First off, Akklaim has put a horrible shame on the machoness of Johnny Rambo by slapping a red leotard on him! Add a low-cut work out sweater to the tights and that headband, and you might as well call this game "Homoerotic Workout, vol.1"! That, and it doesn't even look like Rambo! Things aren't looking up for this NES game...
Here's another trait of a Ghetto Game: silly-ass decision making. Here is a screenshot of the game's beginnig, where Col. Trautman is talking to Rambo in "military prison". Let's eavesdrop at the risk of being made fun of...
If and when you make the choice of staying in your cell, the Colnel tells you "The game won't begin until you choose YES!(or something to that effect)" If the player only knew what horrors lie ahead, he'd choose "I feel better in prison" all night long!
Oh, and look at Rambo's profile! Just look! What was the Colnel thinking when he chose this dude to infiltrate an enemy camp?! You can tell just by his "Uh-huh-huh...where are the McNuggets?" appearance, that he's the wrong klutz for the job. Rambo, we hardly knew ye.
Here's an example of the game's legendary programming. See that little square sporting the "S"? Those are littered throughout Rambo. When you go up to it and press down/up on your control pad, you'll go south/north. Uh, that is, sometimes. These north and south squares can really throw off your NES navigation skills, as they don't lead as they say. Also, the game is a side-scroller, but only to a point. Whatever screen you're on will come to an end, and you'll enter a new one. However, if you go back to the previous screen from the new one, it'll be a totally different screen! It hurts to think about it as much as it does to type it.
At the starting military base, you meet a surly man named Captain Murdock. I'd be surly too if I had lips resembling female genitalia! He seems to be giving Rambo orders for some off-beat porno related mission(he wants you to take photos of prisoners...doing what, I don't know). Like I said, it's a Type 1 Ghetto Game!
Another quick ghetto feature of Rambo: moths attack you in the jungle! Pointless, huh? They're ferocious, all right.
Wow! Look at that menacing, evil school in the midnight hour! When I first popped Ghoul School into the NES, I thought "Gee, I would've paid for this(I got it for free off my friend Nick)!" What a fool I was...I'm certainly glad I did get it for free.
Let's see...the control is awful. Your character(a punk-themed student) jumps very stubbornly, attacks ghouls with what seems to be a baton or part of a coat hanger, and makes use of staircases only with great difficulty.
All this, and there's about 400 classrooms to investigate! The game is mapped out horribly...you'll never know where you've been or where you're going. I know I'm going to throw my copy of Ghoul School in front of a fast-approaching truck.
Like I said, the title screen makes the game seem like some predecessor to Resident Evil or something. Keep your pants on, kids. It gets worse.
Golly gee! Spooky house, super-bloody letters...this game has to kick ass! Wait till you actually enter that house. Then you'll be frightened.
According to the instruction manual, you're Micheal, searhing for Dr. Chaos, your friendly, flash-dancing brother turned mad scientist. Dr. Chaos was messing around with "warp zones", and what came from the green pipes zone machine were two Italian plumbers awful, hideous creatures. Anyway, Micheal needs to piece together a warp zone machine, and save his brother! Exciting, huh? Take a look at this scan of the game's manual:
When you play the game, however, you get Micheal, decked out in...pajamas. At least they're nice pajamas!
These are rooms in the mansion you're exploring. In order to investigate them, you need to use the menu on the right to perform different actions. Hey! Just like fellow Type 1 Ghetto Games Goonies and Friday the 13th! It's a small world, I tell ya. The manual says to hit walls and search around for "warp zone entrances", but half the time, you'll pick a command, and our "hero" lashes out with "No way!" What a guy.
All this, and mice(yes, mice)attack you!
My, it looks ferocious.
My...god. If you saw this title screen in a magazine back in the day, you'd think "Must...get...this...game!" I know I would. But, if you've taken your vitamins and learned the last three lessons, Type 1 Ghetto Game title screens are evil and deceptive, much like
Ronald McDonald. Therefore, don't let this con-ny piece of LJN artwork fool you.
After you make the mistake of hitting start, you're greeted with a cool picture of your boat, and a real cheesey jingle-tune.
And your boat. It doesn't appear to be all that tough for battling a giant, man-eating shark, does it? When will those schmucks at LJN learn? Well, I have to thank them for making fine Ghetto Game fodder.
I was just thinking: no wonder our diver friend dies in one hit, he's got no air meter! Hey, diver! What's with the airtanks? They'll only weigh ya down!
Here we see our diver-turned-fish kibble, on his way to Davy Jones' locker. Yarr, his feeble body was never meant for the sea. Oh, the Jaws situation. When you're sailing along, peaceful and calm, and Jaws' fin rocks your dreamboat, you've gotta dive down and fight his tough ass. Get your NES Advantage plugged in, kids. You'll need that turbo!
Jaws has a big power meter, and about 50 shots from your pea shooter of a harpoon gun'll do it. Of couse "it" is taking one little unit out of his life meter! Good lord! I'm a busy man, I can't be bothered trying to kill a psychotic Nintendo shark! Jeez...
In addition to this merriment, you can collect conch shells and crabs on the ocean floor(produced from maritime meanies). "Maritime meanies"...I like that. Anyway, the conch shells can be used as money. Yeah, we all know how valuable they are...
Here's a change of pace: This Ghetto Game's title screen isn't fancy and/or impressive! It actually sucks, much like the rest of the game.
Note the date: 1986. A pretty early release, maybe even Kemco's first. That could explain the suck level of this game. Funny how Kemco games always use that same font(a lot of companies do that, actually.)
The in-game screens reminds me of Xenophobe, and that's not a good thing. The "object" of the game(I think) is to get some briefcase before the other spy does, all the while setting and avoiding spy-foiling traps. Sounds like a cool concept, but it doesn't work out for this game.
Of course, there are supreme ghetto problems with this game. Usually, traps you set are set off...by you. Put a paint can above a door, and it falls on your head. The all-in-good-fun bomb behind the bookshelf? Yep, it goes off in your face. Sheesh...
I'm sure you've already noticed Spy vs. Spy's hideous graphics in the above screenshot. Just look at the detail put into those desks and doors! Of course, who am I to complain? I knew this game sucked big time(I rented it back then), but proceeded to buy it off my freind for a buck. Well, it's a B- in rarity, so I guess that's a good reason.
Now that we're older and the only thing that scares me is that talking Hamburger Helper glove, I can make fun of this truly bad NES game. The combination of the spooky title screen and the animation of the knife plunging into Jason's hockey mask
make you think "Oh, man! Cool-ass game alert!" Of course, you're a Type 1 Ghetto Game scholar, so you already know this game blows(and you're reading this page). When you start, you're greeted with a map of fat kid's weight loss camp-turned murder carnival grounds, Camp Crystal lake.
The map itself isn't bad, but look at those geek's faces at the bottom! And those are the kids you play as, no less!
