if you made it this far, you either know me or you are in MENSA. i know somethimes i speak a disco era second of strange verbiage, and, dig it now for example, i make no sense. it is my obsession to speak like a homeless man with a can of beans, but if you just bring those highly educated ears down to earth, my earth (don't get all confused with the direction, yahoo has maps), then you'd begin to realise that my name is not nell, sucka, it's miss jones. and you have now reached level one of...

unstandin the cool mofo within yes, even you can speak like moi-say with just a little heart and a lot of cash. okay, you keep the cash money, i'll be cool. but there are three steps that may be sweat beads for some, and matrix for others. like to hear it? and here it goes

1* steal like it's outta yo ma's pocketbook

take from movies that are more than ten years old (gettin to that), and from hippy posters, cos we all know anyone who listens to grateful dead has to procure an expansive and inexpensive soundin tounge.

2* 10 is zen, 8 stinks like kuwait

that's my motto. use words that come from 1990 and you'll be kickin it with roger jones real real soon, but i dare you to say the word phat. don't say that word. just don't. it's not the peniclin on the wonderbread, good brothas, phat is some rye bread gone so bad it's gonna wipe out a small italian village.

3* mr. t

here's another motto: if it ain't mr. t, it's not down with me. and you should know that sounding like mr. t will give that special mr. thx sound (c.b, don't sue me, chump maggot!). and what's better than that?

now take this knowledge bestowed on your wise size and take it to the streets and preach! good god... just don't get carried away like that. you'll be on jenny jones.