Last time on Friends…
Joey: Really? Well… do you want to go out with me?
Monica: Actually, I'd like that Joey.
…….
Rachel: Why? They're two of your best friends… don't you want them to be happy?
Chandler: Of course I want them to be happy… I just don't want to hear Joey doing Monica on the other side of my wall!
Rachel: Joey and his girls didn't seem to bother you that much before.
Chandler: Well, his girl wasn't someone that I was in love with before!
……
(Chandler and Monica on a bed)
Chandler: Hi, Monica.
Monica: Hi, Chandler.
Chandler: What are you doing here?
Monica: I think Joey and I are gonna do stuff.
Chandler: Do you wanna do stuff with Joey?
Monica: No, not really.
Chandler: Do you wanna do stuff with me?
Monica: Ok.
Chandler: Ok
……
Joey: Don't get so upset Ross. I didn't do anything with Monica.
Ross: Oh thank God. (Then Joey adds:)
Joey: No, I couldn't, because before I could get in the bedroom, her and Chandler were already getting it on!
Ross: WHAT?!!!! CHANDLER!!!! …. There isn't any use in hiding! I'm going to find you! And when I do, I'm going to kill you!
……
(Chandler and Monica having THE TALK)
Chandler: Whoa! Wait! What you just said didn't really make much sense… BUT you did just say that you didn't want to sleep with Joey because you didn't have romantic feelings for him.
Monica: Yeah? What about it?! I don't know about you, but I think that seems like a fairly wise decision. I'm not the type of person that just sleeps around with no feeling Chandler! I d… (Chandler cuts her off)
Chandler: You didn't let me finish. I was going to say that you did sleep with me…
Monica: (a little uncomfortable.) So? I WOULD have slept with Joey.
Chandler: But you didn't. You slept with me… and you just said that you didn't want to sleep with someone that you didn't have feelings for.
Monica: So you think I have feelings for you? (She gives a fake laugh)
Chandler: What is it with you? Why do you think you and me together would be such strange thing? At the beach, and now here! (He stands up and storms out.)
Monica: Chandler! Wait. (She runs out into the hall, but he is gone.)
……
(Monica REALLY enjoying a hug from Chandler…)
Monica: Chandler, I've been doing some thinking…
Chandler: Wait, Monica. I've been doing some thinking too, and I just wanted to tell you that… you're right… us together would be too weird. I've been thinking really hard about it, and I've realized that last night didn't mean anything. We were just drunk… and you were there, and I was there.
(Sad Monica)
……
And now…
TOW The Trip to the Middle of Nowhere
****Teaser****
(The Guys' apartment. Chandler is moping on a couch. There is a knock at the door)
Chandler: (Gets up. Says in an disguised voice) Who is it?
Joey: (From behind the door) Chandler, it's me! Open up.
Chandler: (Unlocks the door) Hey man.
Joey: Why'd you lock the door? I just went to get the mail!
Chandler: Well… With you gone… Ross would have his opportunity to kill me with no witnesses around.
Joey: You're still hiding from Ross? It's been over a day! And besides… Your Ross' best friend. He isn't going to kill you, even though you slept with his sister.
(All of a sudden, the door bursts open (Joey didn't lock it behind him). Ross enters, runs at Chandler, flailing a spatula about)
Ross: I've got you alone at last! (Is ready to whack Chandler with the spatula)
Joey: ROSS!
Ross: (freezes. Voice is suddenly demure). Why hello, Joey. I didn't know you were here.
Chandler: A spatula, Ross?
Ross: (Bows head in shame) Yeah. Monica didn't want me getting her knives dirty.
Chandler: Yes… let's forget that there's a human life at stake, just as long as we keep our eating utensils nice and clean.
Ross: (Suddenly angry again) Careful Chandler. Knife or spatula, it still hurts when I shove it up your-
Joey: HEY GUYS! (Joey, with goofy Joey grin, shouts from across the room. Ross and Chandler both turn to look at him.) I found a spork under the couch!
****Opening Credits****
(Girls' apartment. Rachel, Monica and Phoebe are sitting at the table)
Phoebe: (To Monica) You haven't talked to Chandler since yesterday?
Monica: I haven't really talked to Ross either, except when he wanted to use my knives.
Rachel: Chandler's your best friend… You can't let just one incident destroy your relationship.
Monica: It's not… We're still friends… Good friends… He made it very clear that we were to stay friends.
Phoebe: Well then… there shouldn't be a problem! You guys will probably want to spend some time together! (Stands) I'll go get him-
Monica: (Pulls Phoebe back into her chair) No! I mean… What if he doesn't want to talk to me… He might leave… I'll feel so bad…
Rachel: It sounds like You, Ross and Chandler need some time to talk…
Phoebe: We could lock you all up in the bathroom and see who comes out alive.
Rachel: Um… You know Phoebe, that's a very good idea, except I was thinking more along the lines of… maybe a road trip?
Monica: Why Rach, what did you have in mind?
Rachel: Well…. Mom called today, and she reminded me of this antique shop about three hours from here that we went to a few years ago… it was run by these three nice gentlemen on a farm… and they always had such great stuff…Chairs and tables and those cute roll-top desks…
Monica: You just want antiques, don't you?
Rachel: Well Yes. BUT… we could go tomorrow… And we could take two cars… Phoebe's cab and pick-up truck or a van… something to carry my antiques in (rubs hands together. Monica is beginning to look annoyed at her). And. On the way there… you could ride with Chandler… On the way back you could ride with Ross… and with the three-hour drive in a confined area… you and Ross and Chandler could get everything out in the open… It's perfect!
Monica: I still think you just want to go shopping…. But I guess it could work. Though, I doubt we could convince the guys to spend their Saturday afternoon antiquing.
Phoebe: Oh, leave them to me. (Almost sinisterly) I have Joey and Ross under my thumb… and Chandler will be soon to follow. (Evil laugh. Rachel & Monica look at her in shock. Suddenly in a sweet voice). Cookie? (Offering them the tray of cookies that had been sitting on the table).
**********
(Outside Central Perk. The gang is outside next to vehicles, Phoebe's cab, and a red pick-up truck. Rachel and Monica are standing by the truck. Ross is at the cab standing by Phoebe, while Chandler is kinda hiding behind Joey, who is staring blankly into space).
Rachel: Well, it looks like we're about ready to go. Joey, did you put the ropes in the back of the truck-
Chandler: I told you! I'll stop running away…
Rachel: Ropes to hold the furniture in place, Chandler.
Chandler: Oh. I knew that.
Joey: Yeah. It looks like we're ready… but let's go through the checklist first.
Phoebe: Ropes?
Joey: Check.
Phoebe: Spare tire?
Ross: Check.
Phoebe: Money?
Rachel: Check
Phoebe: Sandwiches?
Monica: (Looks in cooler. Then at Joey) All but three.
Phoebe: Ok! Then we're ready.
Ross: (Staring daggers at Chandler. Chandler looks scared) Who rides with who?
Phoebe: Oh. That's easy. (Places her arms around Ross and Joey's waists and pulls them against her) I want you two with ME.
Ross: (Giddy) Oh! Hehe. Ok Phoebe.
Joey: Nice!
Rachel: Ok! That means Monica and Chandler are with me. Hop in you guys. I'll drive. Phoebe, just follow us. Oh… and Gunther. Thank you so much for letting me drive your truck. (Gets in)
Gunther: (Emerging from the shadows, walking to her window) Oh. Anything for you Rachel… you can keep it, if you'd like… I can always get another truck…
Rachel: (Uncomfortable) No… That's all right… I'll just use it to transport the furniture… then I'll bring it back-
Gunther: Do you want me to come and help you carry the furniture?
Rachel: No… that's ok. I think we can handle it. Bye bye! (They drive off)
Gunther: Goodbye sweet Rachel. (Looks down. Thinking) Hmmm… I wonder if they wanted that road map.
****Commercial Break****
(Phoebe's taxi. Phoebe driving, Ross and Joey in back)
Phoebe: Hmmm… I wonder if Rachel knows we've been down this road twice already.
Joey: Maybe she's just taking the scenic route.
Ross: Yes. And how scenic it is. Dead trees and cows.
Phoebe: Hey! Cows are awesome. After my mother died, I spent some time at a petting zoo. The manager told me if I stopped stealing the animals' food, he'd let me milk the cows. And there was this one cow named Flossie, and she liked me so much that she started calling me Ma. MAAAAA she'd say to me… (Takes a bite of her sandwich). Whoa. Joey… this sandwich has meat in it!
Joey: Yeah, it's roast beef.
Phoebe: ACK!!! (Throws her sandwich out the window)
Ross: (Turns around in his seat and looks out the window) Wow. That cow is eating the sandwich.
Joey: Cool. It's eating one of its own! (All of a sudden a loud MAAAAAAA is heard)
Phoebe: NOOOO!!!
**********
(In the cab of the truck. Rachel driving, Monica in the middle, Chandler by the window.
Chandler: Ok. I think. Maybe. Just maybe, we're lost.
Rachel: No… We couldn't be. I've been to this place half a dozen times…
Monica: When Rachel?
Rachel: (Flinching) Fifteen years ago?
Monica: Oh God.
Rachel: No no. It's ok. I know how to get there… maybe if I just saw the map.
Chandler: (Motions his hands towards Rachel). Here you go.
Rachel: Chandler, you didn't give me anything!
Chandler: That's our map. Take it or leave it.
Monica: Well this is just great. We're going to die out here!
Rachel: No. We'll find this place. I haven't been driving for three and a half hours to stop now. I can find this place… If I recall, it was about a mile away from a Dairy Queen.
Monica: They have Dairy Queens out here?
Rachel: WAIT! I think I recognize that farm!
Chandler: Yes. Because we've been down this road three times… and not until the third time does this bright pink farmhouse possess the quality of being recognizable. Rachel, do you stay awake while you drive?
Rachel: No no no… really. This place is on the way! Let's stop and ask for directions. (Pulls up to the farm, with Phoebe's car following)
Rachel: Ok. I’m going to find out if these people know anything about the antique farm. Sit tight. (Exits the car. Monica and Chandler are alone).
Monica: Hi Chandler… Haven't seen you in a couple of days…
Chandler: Yeah well… I've been lying low… You know, with hurricane Ross about.
Monica: I'm sorry about Ross… maybe if I talked to him…
Chandler: No… I mean… I've tried to talk to the guy. I've told him that you and I had talked it over and that we're squared away… But he still thinks I used you and am hurting you. I told him that we both decided it was a mistake… But he just won't listen…
Monica: Yes. A mistake… You know Chandler I think that- (Suddenly the passenger door opens, and Chandler is grabbed by his shirt and dragged out of the car by Ross)
Ross: You avoided me for a while but I have you know. Put up your fists. We're going to settle this like men.
Chandler: Ross what's this going to solve? (Ducks under one of Ross' punches) We're both adults here (Ross takes another punch and Chandler runs away from him into some bushes, out of ear shot from the cars). Ross! Stop! Did I act like this when you kissed my mother?
Ross: (Calmer) Well, no…
Chandler: Look Ross… It was an accident… I can't do anything about it now… I wish I could… I know you think I hurt Monica. But the only trouble I really caused her was putting her in the uncomfortable situation where she had to tell me she didn't want me in that way. Ross, I care about Monica. A LOT, more than you'll ever know. I'd never try to hurt her… I think you know that.
Ross: (Happy) Come here. (Embraces Chandler in a hug. They walk back to the cars, where everyone is outside. Rachel is coming back)
Joey: Are we there yet? I don't want to sit in that car anymore. My butt falls asleep.
Rachel: Well… Good news and bad news. Good news: The lady in the house told me how to get there! (Assorted "Yay's" and "All right's!" from the gang). Bad news: She told me that she wasn't even sure if the place was still open… and that two of the men that run the shop died… ten years ago.
Chandler: Ten years ago?!
Rachel: Well… they were in their 70's at the time…
Ross: Well isn't that perfect.
Rachel: Come on you guys… let's at least go there and see.
**********
(The gang by a large barn. Lots of stables and a farm house on the hill)
Rachel: This is it! This is it! They keep the antiques in that barn!
Ross: (Walks to the door of the barn) Yes Rachel. All the antiques you could ever want… All you have to do now is get through this rusted padlock and these iron chains.
Rachel: (Runs to the door and looks at the locks) No! There must be a way in. My God… the windows are barred.
Joey: Does this mean we have to go home again? And drive all that way? My butt was just beginning to wake up!
Rachel: No. I'm going to get into this antique barn. I’m going to look at antiques. I’m going to buy antiques. I'm going to eat, drink and breathe antiques. Come on you guys, there's got to be another way in. (Starts to walk around the other side of the barn, with the gang following. All of a sudden the bush rustles).
Ross: Whoa. Did you guys just see something move?
Joey: (Scared. Lying) No. (A high pitched squak is heard)
Monica: What is that?!
Phoebe: It must be the guardians. Rachel, they must know you want to take the antiques away.
Ross: Don't be silly. (Continues walking) I’m sure there is a logical expla- (Walks right into a peacock)
Peacock: SQUAAAA
Ross: AAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH
Peacock: SQUAAA SQUAAAAA
Everyone: AAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGG (Everyone turns to run, but there is another peacock. They turn the other way. Another Peacock. And another)
Joey: Eat chicken, you blue chickens! (Joey throws his sandwich and the peacocks run after it. Ross, Rachel, Joey and Phoebe run through one opening. Chandler and Monica find another opening and run the other direction)
**********
(Back by the cars. Rachel, Ross, Joey and Phoebe are present)
Rachel: Who in the heck keeps PEACOCKS?
Phoebe: I told you Rachel… they were after YOU
Rachel: I want my antiques!
Joey: I want my sandwich!
Ross: (Looking down) I want to get this peacock stuff off my shoe.
**********
(Behind some stables. Rachel and Chandler stopping after their run)
Chandler: You know… we're running from poultry.
Monica: Yeah… that's kind of pitiful. This whole trip was pretty pitiful.
Chandler: At least Ross and I resolved things.
Monica: You guys got things sorted out? How?
Chandler: I just told him for the one-hundredth time what you told me… It was just a mistake… No one got hurt… And we're still friends… I guess it finally sank in.
Monica: (Just can't take it anymore) Yes… a mistake. We're just friends. You keep saying that! I get the picture!
Chandler: You get the picture?! What do you mean? Why do YOU sound so upset… you're the one that said all this stuff to begin with. I'm just trying to make you happy. What? You don't even want to be friends anymore? You don't even want that?! I thought we had things settled. I thought we knew where we were.
Monica: (Upset. Turns back to him) Would you stop acting like this?!
Chandler: (Upset and confused) Stop acting like what?
Monica: (Faces him) Stop acting like nothing happened the other night!
Chandler: I'm not acting like nothing happened. We already talked about what happened. We talked about it, and you… we decided it was a mistake.
Monica: (Soft spoken) Well… that wasn't the real talk. I mean… The real talk was supposed to go a different way.
Chandler: (Suddenly very gentle) Ok Monica. How was the real talk supposed to go?
Monica: Well… first off… You would say, "That other night was incredible."
Chandler: The other night was incredible.
Monica: (Smiles) Then, I would say, "Yes, it WAS incredible… but it shouldn't have happened."
Chandler: (Dejected) Oh. Well Mon… that's kinda the way our talk DID go…
Monica: No… you didn't let me finish (Walks up to Chandler and takes his hands). I would then say, "It shouldn't have happened the way it did… We shouldn't have been drunk…(Getting choked up) And… we should have told each other we… we loved one another before we spent our first night together…" (Getting teary) And then you'd say…
Chandler: (Cupping Monica's face in his hands) I love you Monica.
Monica: (Smiling through tears) How'd you know?
Chandler: Then what would you say?
Monica: (Whispers) I think you know. (They kiss)
***TAG***
(Girls' apartment. Ross, Rachel, Joey and Phoebe are sitting at the table, finishing up breakfast)
Joey: It's so nice to be home. I missed home.
Ross: No… I think I'd like to thank Rachel for the wonderful day… it isn't every person that can tell their grandchildren that he was chased by mad peacocks in the middle of nowhere.
Phoebe: Well Ross, I don't think you'll be able to do that either. The peacocks really wouldn't like it. (Ross just gives her a look). Rachel, I'm sorry you didn't get any antiques.
Rachel: Me too… but I guess it's ok. When we stopped at that gas station for a bathroom break, I bought this really cool lamp made from a coat hanger. Hey, where's Chandler?
Joey: I think he's still sleeping. And Monica?
Rachel: Sleeping… OH! I need to give Gunther back his car keys. Wanna come?
All: yeah, ok. (exit)
(Chandler's head pops out of Monica's room.
Chandler: Do you think they knew I was here?
Monica: Probably not… But I mean… shouldn't we tell them?
Chandler: Oh… they'll find out eventually… but until then… isn't it kinda fun keeping it a secret? (puts his arms around Monica and kisses her)
Monica: Yeah… I guess it is kind of fun… fun and dangerous and sexy. (They kiss again).
And I think all you avid season five watchers know what happens from here. J
The End
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