...and fly a kite for 2 more years.
It is with great discomfort that I must announce my inevitable arrival in the Facebook "community". First of all, I wish to explain that I invented Facebook back in '96. Some of you remember that I would faithfully "update my status" by sending an email message every day from my home office in the computer lab at Penn State Beaver to all of my friends that included news from the little corner of the world that was mine. How I remember the many complaints that you didn't like that I sent the same message to everyone, or that you really didn't care about my latest trip to a MetallicA concert or to the CCBC golden dome for an ECW show. I see now that the shoe is on the other hand as all of you post interesting tidbit of information on your pages about what you had for breakfast and what color socks you are wearing. Indeed the historians will record that I was a decade ahead of the rest of the world.
I wish to place the blame for my arrival in this "community" squarely on the shoulders of those responsible. Namely those responsible for the ipod touch that was shoved in my lap last month and the ipad that I'll begrudgingly accept in the next few days. Despite my wishes to remain as unconnected as possible, I will admit that I did indeed send a text message last week, though I have escaped the cell phone world for now. I also blame those of you who care not to share what is happening in your real world's in any form other than the Facebook monopoly. All of you know how important my friends are to me and how I wish that I were able to spend more time with each of you (despite being temporarily marooned here with the Morons in michigan).
I shall now mention (in my typical non-conformist fashion) that I will not be sending out friend requests so that we don’t get into a whole "why did he get a friend request before I did?" fiasco. I do however request that those individuals listed below (all of whom I'm sure get the jokes that this whole post has been intended to be) send a friend request to me at their earliest convenience. As you've all heard a million times, "If I have to explain it, you wouldn't understand".
I wish for you to be my Facebook friend if… (please select all that apply)
We've ever been to WrestleMania together
You taught me how to avoid the toll on the Mt. Hope Bridge
You know why I would ever scream the words "F*ck You 8 year old" in a crowded convention center
You know the name of the heavy metal band I wanted to start as a kid (hint: the initials were V.V.)
You ever drove 120 mph in the Squirrel Hill Tunnels with me in the passenger seat
Your name is (or ever was); Columbus, Czamble, Gregory, or any of the 7 million cousins on my Dad's side...
You're my boss (at home or at work…)
Your little brother ever used the back seat of my Cavalier as a garbage can
You know where to get a $20 xmas tree in the State College area
You know what the initials N.C.D. stand for
Your mother knew my wife was pregnant before my wife did
I ever asked you if you were that guy with the "Joey Styles is my dad" sign
You've ever sat in E-16 with me
You ever told an Oakdale Police Officer that you were my girlfriend
You played on the RWU softball team
We used to send each other real letters in the U.S. mail for 25 cents a stamp
You were the best man at my wedding
You've actually been dead since we became friends
You've ever had to bring your own ingredients so that I would cook chili for you
Your name is Dan Lutz
You know what water balloons have to do with the World Cup®
You were ever at my Mother's house in Washington before it was built
You know which table in the lunchroom at KO was ours
I was "mesmerized" the day I met you
We've ever co-chaired a committee at MHS
We've ever taken a long walk on a Rhode Island beach together
We’ve played soccer or tennis together
I've ever taken you shopping at Victoria's Secret
You've ever served me fancy middle-eastern cusine in a not-so-fancy restaurant
I ever been invited to two of your weddings to the same person
We've ever been stuck in the mud in a certain nature preserve together
You've ever been to a metal show with me
Seriously, I hope you got a couple of chuckles out of this, and I'm looking forward to catching up with everyone.
P.S. the winner of the race for "FIRST POST" will win an all... er, some expense paid trip to a small mid-western town (free lodging on my couch). I'll even through in some chili for you.
P.S.S. michigan residents need not apply.