Title: You Hurt Me (1/1)
Author: Ms. AM
Keywords: Angst, UST, RST, MSR (you decide)
Archive: I would be honored! Just let me know where, please.
Disclaimer: CC, Fox, 1013 and a host of others own everything I'm just borrowing them for a while...sigh.
Spoilers: Up through Field Trip.
Summary: Learning to forgive and to heal.
Authors notes: This story is dedicated to Sam founder of the XFObsession mailing list, who on Fri. July 9th, 1999 has been called to heaven. I didn't know her in person only that she was a dedicated fan of the X Files and knew in her heart that Mulder and Scully share a bond like no other. Sam, we'll miss you...
You Hurt Me (1/1)
I'm sitting here, at some hotel that I can't even remember the name of, watching the rain as it hits the window.
Rain...Water, is an ever changing element.
A single drop...Round, oval or some other curvy shape. Without the sharp corners of squares or other angular shapes.
That same single drop as it hits a surface shatters into so many fragments, an outward explosion, dispersing away from the whole.
When gravity or wind, pulls or pushes, at the drop until is cascades away from its starting point. A tiny stream with no set course...no pre-planned destination.
Rain, millions of drops falling from the clouds. Drops into streams, streams into rivers, rivers into the oceans and seas...
Forces of nature...Washing everything away...
My finger reaches out, tracing a single drop on the glass pane as it elongates and finally begins a crooked path downward. It hits the window ledge where I can follow no farther.
Did that single drop just end there?
If I relied on only my sight I would say yes, but the logical part of my brain tells me the journey continued. Along the outer wall of the building, downward, until it hits and is absorbed into the ground, the soil of the earth.
Like I feel like doing when I hear the door open behind me.
I know who it is.
I didn't even bother trying to hide...I knew I would be found, maybe I *wanted* someone to look for me...until they actually did, now I just want my solitude back...
The door shuts and I feel eyes watching me and it's a strange feeling, like when your arm or you leg falls asleep...pins and needles...pricking all over my skin. I shiver at the sensation.
The voice is just a dull confirmation of what I already knew.
"Scully?" He calls out, tentative, cautious...soft.
He starts to come closer, but stops. I hear him sit on the bed, the springs creaking beneath his weight. Without even turning I know his posture, typical Mulder...frustrated and clueless.
Elbows resting on his knees, head held by his hands, fingers making almost unconscious circles on his temples...thinking.
I envision him digging the heels of his palms into his eyes like he can produce some magic salvation, some answer to a question he is unsure of. When he speaks again the words come out hitched and broken sounding punctuated with a sigh of defeat.
"Scully? Tell me, please...What's wrong...What did *I* do?"
The two questions merge into one and that is enough to break me. Memories of earlier today come flooding back. Washing away my composure. Drowning my control.
My head dips. I see a tear land on the table in front of me, a single drop that does not shatter upon impact. Round and perfect it waits...and I answer him, clearly and sadly.
"You hurt me."
* * * * *
I walked into the office with a feeling I hadn't felt in a while, excitement. I was actually looking forward to debating with Mulder, listening to his theories yet rebuking them all the same with more logical and scientific ones, of my own, of course.
I had everything planned out, if we weren't heading out of town on a case I was going to invite him over for dinner. I wanted to show him he didn't need an excuse to spend non-working hours with me. It had been a month since my baseball birthday gift, which I enjoyed more that I could ever express.
It had also been two weeks since our escape from the giant man-eating fungus. Amazing how a single case could bring us so close together...mutual hallucinations. And how lost I would be without Mulder, something I couldn't even admit to myself until then.
"Mulder," I call out, a smile on my face as I enter the office.
A smile which quickly fades. Walking to 'my area' I set my briefcase down and compose myself before addressing her.
"Agent Fowley, how can I help you?"
She smiles at me politely, forced I'd say, just like my own reaction to her presence. She steps closer to me.
"Actually, it's you I wanted to speak with, Agent Scully...or can I call you Dana?"
"Dana is fine," I hear myself saying. "What did you want to talk to me about?"
"Well, I was just wondering about Fox. How his depression is?"
<Depression? What the? Oh right his lack of enthusiasm before we got the X Files back.>
"I don't think Mulder is depressed, he wasn't overly thrilled about our last assignment, but I don't think I'd call it depression. What makes you think that?"
Something lights up behind her eyes, but then it's gone.
"It's just that...well, your probably his closest friend and..."
She's hedging and that is annoying me.
"Yes, I am Mulder's friend, if he's in trouble..."
"No, nothing like that it's just...The night he came to my apartment he was so lost...we were once very close..."
<Oh My God I *really* don't need to hear this.>
"I hadn't seen him like that...at least not since I've been back and well I offered him my comfort, I tried kissing him..."
Neither of us heard Mulder.
"Diana! What the hell!"
"I, oh, Fox I'm sorry...I assumed you told her, after all you're friends and partners. I just thought..."
"Well don't think." He states, sarcasm evident.
I look at him, take a breath and turn my attention back to Fowley.
"You're right Agent Fowley, we are *partners* and *friends*...now if the two of you will excuse me I think I need some fresh air."
"Scully, wait." He grabs me as I try to walk by him.
"Mulder, let go of my *fucking* arm...NOW!"
The venom in my voice, directed at him, causes a mixture of emotions to pass across his face, but he lets me go and I walk away before my control slips.
* * * * *
Mulder is sitting across from me now, searching my profile.
"How, Scully? How did I hurt you?"
I finally turn to him, I hope he can see the anger in my eyes.
"Do you really want to know, Mulder?"
He nods his head slowly.
"Do you know what it's like Mulder? To have someone in your life that you love so completely that you would do *anything* for them...and then be so afraid...they don't return your feelings?"
"So you bury those feelings deep, cover them up so they can never see the light of day. And then one day when you realize you don't have that many more days left you decide to let that person in, to allow yourself to love that person."
I stand I have to get away from his eyes.
"Do you know what it's like to know that Diana Fowley has had a part of you that *I* will never have?"
I walk over to him, reach out and gently trace his lips with my finger and thumb.
"To know that in your hallway, your lips, came so close to my own that the contact felt like the brush of a butterflies wings against them. I, I tried to tell you *I* heard everything you said, but you turned away from me."
"No! You said my *science* was wrong, yet it is part of me...the *me* you lead me to believe made you a whole person...someone you needed...someone you couldn't go on without..."
"Was I wrong, Mulder?"
"No, Scully..." He chokes out, shaking his head.
"Mulder? How am I supposed to believe...that you love me? You told me once, after you ran off to the Bermuda Triangle...Love is not a word to be given or accepted lightly...you don't *love* me Mulder...not in *that* way..."
I walk back over and sit down, turning back to the window.
"Leave me alone, Mulder. I need time to think about my life, our partnership...everything."
He gets up and starts to leave, but he stops, like I knew he would. Suddenly Mulder is on his knees in front of me, arms around my waist head pressing into my lap.
"Scully, listen to me...do you know what it's like to have everything and everyone you have loved be taken away from you? After Samantha disappeared, so did my parents, not physically, but emotionally they were too involved in their own pain to think about mine."
He sits back resting on his heels.
"I had *no one* Scully. I had Phoebe and Diana at different times in my life...maybe I thought it was love, then...But *I* know the difference NOW."
"Scully, I meant what I said. I know I'm not perfect. I know I can be impulsive, but I had just had *you* in my arms, you're sweet breath was on my face and when I woke up and you were still there I needed to tell you. Even if I was dreaming, telling you I love you is something I've been saying to you in my mind for years."
"But...you and Diana...kissed."
"Yes and it was a mistake. She kissed me, Scully, and I felt *nothing* not one spark of anything...because I don't love Diana and I never really did."
"Scully...you're not the only one hurting...do you know how I feel every single time I tell you one of my theories and you just shoot them down? It's hard to feel like you believe in *me* when my ideas are a part of who *I* am as well."
"Scully...you hurt me when you brushed off my words, my admission of love and then I thought maybe it was better...maybe you didn't feel about me the way I did and do about you."
"Mulder...I know you think you do, but you don't love me."
Suddenly he grabs my upper arms and shakes me.
"God Dammit Scully! What do *I* have to do? How can I prove it to you? Do you want me to rip out my *fucking* heart like Padgett did? Will that make you believe me?"
He must realize how hard he was shaking me and takes me in his arms, rocking me back and forth.
"I'm sorry, Scully...I didn't mean to hurt you...please..."
When he pulls away I'm staring at my tear drop that still rests on the table.
"Mulder? Did you ever notice how weak a drop of water is?"
He watches as more and more of my tears rain upon the table each one breaking apart...shattering, except that first one.
"No, Scully it isn't, a single drop of water...or your tears aren't weak...and neither are mine."
I watch as his own tears hit the table, most of them splashing, flying apart, but one...just one lands on mine and they merge into a larger drop.
Mulder takes my hand in his, interlacing our fingers, holding them up for the two of us to see.
"This...this Scully is our strength...together," he tilts my head up looking deep into his eyes. "Separate we are nothing but pieces of a puzzle...together, we fit...we make each other whole...love, love is what keeps us from leaving one another."
Through my tears I slide to the floor, we are kneeling before each other, penitent.
"Forgive me, Mulder...I do love you." I plead.
He cups my cheeks, thumbs brushing the tears away. My own hands are caressing his forehead, his cheeks and finally stroking through his hair.
"Always," he whispers against my lips. I draw in a breath when the sensation hits, his warm breath fluttering against me.
Mulder presses his lips to mine softly, I want more. I want to draw his breath into my lungs and have him take mine. Opening my mouth under his questing lips causes a sob to rip from me.
This feeling is like nothing I've ever experienced from a kiss, but a simple kiss this is not. The two of us are sharing heartache, death, joy and hope all from this one action.
Our kiss continues it is exploratory yet gentle, passionate and sweet all at the same time. When we finally stop, when the need for oxygen becomes to great, Mulder stands, pulling me along.
Standing by the bed I watch as he unbuttons my blouse his fingers trailing down my arms as he pushes the garment off. Off comes my skirt and I'm standing there in nothing but my underwear and bra.
Mulder drops to his knees again, hands on my hips, I stifle a moan when his lips graze my stomach. I watch as he tenderly kisses my latest scar, the most recent attempt on my life. He is crying again murmuring against my flesh, my hands stroke through his hair, comforting and soothing him.
"Too close...too close..."
I reach around and undo the clasp of my bra, Mulder looks up, smiles through his tears and slides my panties down my legs. Standing he lets me remove his clothing piece by piece.
When we are naked as the day we were born we crawl into the bed, I can feel Mulder's erection against my thigh. Smiling I role over and Mulder pulls me tight against his chest, he tries to move his hips away slightly, but I reach back and pull him back. I want to feel all of him pressed next to my skin.
I don't know if we will make love later in the night or not. I feel Mulder moving against me ever so gently, yes we will make love...pretty soon probably. But for now we are as we need to be.
Flesh to flesh...
Love to love...
Soul to soul...
End Notes: Ok I don't know Angst is kind of hard for me to write, I'm not sure if this worked or not. I liked it though. Well now I'll get back to Sandstorm, but I wanted to do something special in Sam's honor I hope I did her justice. AprilakaMsAM