Risus RPG Recipes!
Snack RPG for those who don't have time to cook!
Risus is a copyright of S. John Ross.
Risus RPG recipes will hopefully be a collection of satires and parodies parading around in RPG clothes. Sure there will be some of the info you'll need to let it rip but no good maps and only the occasional GM character.
All Risus Recipes are solo One on One adventures. To serve more, you'll have to multiply the amounts of ingredients or -"GASP"- improvise!
The first recipe is a fantasy bit called The Bad Temple of Redundant EVIL. Ideas for future recipes include "Bad Delivery"(cyberpunk),"Big Bad" (action movie), "Fistful of Bad" (Western), and "Bad Star"(science fiction).
Note that character PC will be referred to as Bad Ass (BA) in all the recipes and is assumed to be as such. No whimpy introspective types here!
Finally, if you have an idea for a recipe, submit it and I'll post it. Space permitting, of course.
So here is the first recipe...
The Bad Temple of Redundant EVIL!
Recipe for Fantasy Risus
Bad Temple of Redundant EVIL
- Serving Suggestion - One
- Prep Time - 5+ minutes (20 seconds per ingredient plus a bathroom break)
- Baking Time - 2 hours tops without dream sequence
- 1 Small Village (with condemned housing and no running water)
- 1/2 Dozen Smelly Villagers with bad teeth and no sense of fashion
- 1 Village Elder (poor eyesight, bad posture, and breath that smells like cabbage.)
- 1 Young Sidekick
- 1 Evil Cult of Acolytes (with hooded chiffon robes)
- 1 Pack of Guard Dogs in pet bondage gear
- 1 Small Forest
- 1 Big Ass Temple (Four rooms, without running water, inside unsound but cool looking fascade)
- 1 Improbably Large Statue of the 25th Lord of Redundant Evil (called L.O.R.E. for short).
- 1 Preposterously Huge Snake (Venomous,if you like)
- and Finally! ... 1 Bad Ass in furry underwear with a wrestling belt and a big sword (Boots and a Cloak are optional.)
One:Always Start at The Village - BA stumbles in from the North with a bad hangover. Hey, it looks like home! BA is relieving himself by a doorway or looking for a ditch to fall into when he is seen by some villagers. Nobody likes a Bad Ass. Villagers, temporarily bereft of sanity, try to take on BA. After BA has trounced a significan number of villagers, he is approached by The Village Elder (OOOO!). VE squinting at BA offers him a job. "See that temple over there? I left my glasses in there. Could you go get them and bring them back? I'll give you three hundred gold coins. And while you're at it, destroy the temple. It puts every one in a really foul mood." BA similarly squinting but for different reasons says sure. He blew all his money last night two towns over where ever that is. VE is estatic and proclaims there shall be a festival for BA that night. At said festival, BA drains all the libations in the village and impregnates half of the women in the village.
Two:The Chuckling Acolyte - After extricating himself from a pile of empty wine barrels, BA heads south to The Temple. En route through a small forest, he is approached by a young village boy named Kip. Kip wants to be just like BA. Awww, isn't that cute! "Can I come along?"/"Sure Kip, I could use someone to help me find traps." Just then the Villagers come out of everywhere and attack. They seem to mad about something. After he dispatches them again, he can't find Kip. "Did I kill him? Damn." Sifting through the unconscious and dead villagers, he is surprised by a pack of really mean looking dogs in leather S and M outfits. Behind them laughing rather feebly is some creep in a hooded chiffon robe. He saw the whole thing from the top of The Temple and figured he'd join in. BA is smacking the dogs around pretty good when they just start falling over. He looks to the chuckling acolyte who is blowing a big cloud of "sleepy dust" in his direction. Despite his best efforts, BA collapses onto a pile of dogs and villagers. The last thing he sees is Kip fall out of a tree and run back to the village. Feel free to insert "A Bad Ass in Sleepyland" sequence
Three:"Have you seen a pair of Glasses?"
So where is BA when he comes to? A Cell, of course! He feels better than the last two times he's gained consciousness. So he starts testing out the bars and eating the complimentary bread. Tasty!
If you mean in a larger sense, here's the big picture - THE BAD TEMPLE OF REDUNDANT EVIL (Boring Stuff like halls and so-called "connective passages" have been excised for the sake of brevity. Season to taste.)!!
1) The Cell - Where Bad Asses always end up when on missions for smelly villagers. Not much of challenge though.Just break bars, clout chiffon robed acolyte number 2# and get your stuff. Take the rest of the bread with you. Maybe you'll find jam.
2) Supply Room - The Nerve Center of any properly run Bad Temple. It has casks and barrels full of everything you need - Bread, Dog Food, and Wine. Description wise it's fairly dull. No windows, lots of flammable rags, unfinished scrolls ( letters home! ), fake jewelry, and what looks to be a fairly vigorously used chamber pot."That isn't Jam!" Oh yeah, there's the door you came in and the door you can go out: in short, structural genius!
3) The Barracks - The horrifying secret of the Acolytes of The Redundant Evil is revealed. They sleep on the floor with the guard dogs! "By Kokalosh, there're POOCH SCREWERS!" Plus it explains alot about the bad posture. Upon searching BA finds a mixture of evil religious items ( use you imagination here!) and dog toys. Some rolled up parchment for disciplining, pouches of sleepy dust, and torn robes of black chiffon. Sorry, no glasses. However upon close inspection a grooming kit is discovered.
4) The Evil Worshipping Area - Where acolytes come to unwind in the only way they know how. With human sacrifice!
So you got your Altar, Kip is looking pretty uncomfortable up there, and you got your very massive basalt statue which towers some sixty feet above the congregation.
If you look real close you can read its name tag - THE 25th LORD OF REDUNDANT EVIL (AKA L.O.R.E.) BA won't have time though since he will be surrounded by acolytes who are being pretty riled up by some long haired freak in a skull cap brandishing this really wild looking knife. BA is sure of one thing. HE WANTS THAT KNIFE.
So guess what happen next?
Limbs flailing and lots of screaming. Then Kip shuts up and BA makes acolytle tartar. Starts to anyways when the Freak in the skull cap puts on his chiffon robe and hits a ruby encrusted botton on he side of the altar. The Statue's eyes light up
At which point, the Basalt L.O.R.E splits open and THE GIANT SNAKE IS RELEASED.
Released is not accurate. Let's say shoots out of the statue's chest and swallows Mr. High Priest in one gulp. Fully sated, it curls around the altar and goes to sleep.
When the shock finally wears off, BA and the Cultists go back to their routine. In the subsequent chaos, Kip comes to, undoes his poorly tied bonds and runs out of the temple.
So Where Are The Glasses? - Mr. High Priest had them in his robe. Have Fun. You still want that knife?
Four:Good Riddance - Okay here's some ways it could go.
- Destroys Temple. Surviving Acolytes flee. Fights Serpent. Loses Glasses. Gets knife. Comes back to village and everyone has left. "Where did everybody go? I NEED JAM!!"
- Doesn't Destroy Temple. Surviving Acolytes flee. Fights Serpent. Loses Glasses. Gets Knife. Comes back to village. Destroys Village. Gets coins and a sidekick. "They were all working for that long haired freak anyhow."
- Surviving Acolytes make BA their new leader. They all fight the serpent. Get Glasses. Get knife. Go back to village. Destroy Village and sidekick. "Some help you were."
- Destroys Temple, Acolytes, Snake, Glasses, and Knife. Shrugs his shoulders and heads east. "Oh Well. Let's get drunk."
- Destroys Temple, Acolytes, Snake, Glasses, and Knife. Sleeps in Ruins. Sneaks back to village, takes "his" gold. Burns village to the ground. Shrugs his shoulders and heads east. "Oh Well. Let's get drunk."
Okay that's it for now.
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RRR page was, in its entirety, created on September 22 1999 in a very short period of time. This is about high-speed scenario creation not "Art".I throw myself on the mercy on the court!