Jet's thoughs on life

November 16, 1999

I think I have made the biggest mistake of my life. Throughout the course of my day today, I have been thinking alot about my decisions. I really want to go into the Air Fource, but something deep down inside is telling me to look at what I will lose as well as gain. Sure I'll get alot of money and experience, and alot of other stuff. On the other hand I could possible lose the one thing I hold dearly in this world. I fear if I lose this, I'll never find another like it again. It took me so long to find, and even longer to realize what I had discovered. I'm not sure what I should do. Both paths lead to a happy and fulfilling future, but only one will "truely" make me happy. The other will leave me radiant on the outside, but shallow and empty within. I have been given a gift that I may soon have to decide if I value it as much as I should. I wish I knew what to do.

October 17, 1999

I feel as though I have done a good deed tonight. I am once again playing match maker. Two lost wandering souls have gained sight of one another. A burst of light brought them near. A warmth filled the air as the two grew closer to one another. My job is almost done. I have done something good for others before I took care of myself. Why do I do these kind of things? I can't even get my own life worked out. Oh well, perhaps I'll never know.

Jennifer, if you are reading this right now I want to let you know a few things. I haven't spoken to you in so long, but that doesn't mean I have forgotten about you. You are all I ever could have asked for in life. I miss you so much. I hope we can speak again soon. I long to hear your sweet and innocent voice again. You are my angel, a vision of beauty, and the symbol of love. I love you dearest. Good Night ::10:14p.m.::

October 18, 1999

I was once told long ago that all things happen for a reason, and that it may not always be clear why. I think this is one of those kinds of days. I suppose she was right, you know. Long distance relationships couldn't possibly work if we've never even met before. What could I have been thinking? I should have known from the start that it wasn't going to work. I couldn't wait. Why must I be the way I am? Why do I always jump into things that I have never done before? Will I ever learn? Will I ever know what could have happened if I had waited? The past creeps closer and closer to my thoughts with every passing second. Where did I go wrong? I tried so hard to just be what she wanted. Was I just not good enough or was it just not what she longed for? I have to pull myself out of this mood. I know what will happen next if I keep falling deeper into the hidden recesses of my mind. I'll be just as I was..."before". Please speak to me. I am so lost without you. ::10pm::

It seems so difficult to speak to her on this night. I am trying so hard not to show how I truely feel. I wish to give in and break down. I wish to lower my head and fall back into the shadows from which I came. I don't know how I am going to do this. I have never been dishonest to her. She needs to know...sometime. Perhaps now just isn't the time. For now we'll just be friends again. Once blissful and harmonic lovers, now reduced back to ground zero. We're starting all over again. Maybe I'll actually learn from my mistakes. Then again maybe I'll just live in dreams. Thrive in the place where happiness can exist as long as I slumber, and we are together...as we should be. I'll always love you Jennifer. Always... ::10:43pm::

November 21, 1999

A few days have passed, and the pain has let up a bit. The night before last I went to the Harvest Ball. That took some stress off of the situation for the time being. I was actually happy again for a few hours. I really had a great time. It was just Bekah, Jennifer, and me dancing the night away.Those two looked so good that night. Bekah was in a long flowing blue-white dress. It kind of reminded me of a bridal gown. I remember how long it was because I kept steping in the bottom of it whenever I got too close to her. Other than that, the time with her was flawless. Then there was Jennifer. Just the name alone was enough to put me into a trance. Her dress just topped the cake nicely. It was a blue-black velvet kind of gown. Just tight enough to attract attention, but not so tight to cut off the blood flow. We had a great time. You wouldn't have imagined that she could have swing danced the way she did after just giving birth to a beautiful baby boy, Nicholas. It was a night to remember. Probaly will go down in my mind as being one of the most fun nights of my life. I'll have pictures up on here in a few weeks or whenever I can get the stuff developed. ::12:05pm::

Later that day

This had to be one of the worst days ever. It started out good this morning until I remembered that I had to call Steph at 11. Unfortunatley I woke up at 12. Later my friend Brian came over and we went out driving to the mall, and some guy side swiped us. The damage was very minimal but I banged up my knee pretty well. When we went to go to the Municipal building to make a statement, it was closed. Can you believe that? The police station was closed. We got back to my house and called, but we got an answering machine. That was total crap. Officers are never around when you truely need them. My day couldn't get any worse.

To blow off some steam Brian and I stopped off at our friend Angel's, and sparred for a while. Angel got a slight concusion, Brian was cut open on his collar bone and lip, and I was cut on the inside of my lip. Sounds like fun huh? Well we all felt a little better after we took out some agression and frustration. I hope tomorrow is better. Maybe I'll actually find something to finally get HER off of my mind for a while. I just wish I could talk to her. I miss her so much...::11:02pm::

November 23, 1999

I found out just how much I value my friends today. They news spread through my friends about the recent break up between myself and Jennifer. I never would have expected so many to react in the way they did. It really surprised me that so many people really cared. I was so down in the dumps the other day. I was almost to the point of tears so many times,and my friends seemed to be their to catch me when I was falling. If you guys can read this, I want to say thanks for standing by me. It feels good to know that you've got people like them to support you. ::7:12pm::

November 24, 1999

I am feeling much better now a days. My knee isn't so sore, and I got to talk to by bestest friend Jennifer( not the one I was going out with) again for the first time in a while. It is just like before I started play practice. I missed talking to her. Now if only I can get ahold of the other Jennifer. That might take some more time. Oh well, I'll worry about that later on. I am heading out for Thanksgiving. I'll write about all the stuff that happened, Friday when I get home. Till then...::5:01pm::

November 27, 1999

To William: Today was a very sad day indeed for the lives of many around the way. I was informed that William's Grandmother was admitted this morning into a hospital for what is thought to be some sort of brain trama. I do not know exact details about the situation, but I do know that she is currently in a coma. You've been my friend for who knows how long now, and I am not about to leave your side when you need friends most. You know as well as many others that I am not a religious man. I do not even like thinking about the whole concept. However, I found myself sending a prayer up into the heavens for you and her this morning. My heart and utmost compassion are extended to yo uin this time. If you need anything at all...don't be afraid to call. That's what friends are for.

November 28, 1999

It's really early here, but I just can't sleep. An angel from my past finally came back into my life once again. She was so very dear to me, and yet I did not realize this until it was too late. We didn't speak for the longest time. Mainly due to my stupidity. Tonight however, she finally spoke to me again. SHe doesn't hate me!!! The weight of my heart has been lifted some now. Thank you so much for everything Andrea. I missed talking to you. It's nice to know that I have a friend like you. I sometimes think that I have been blessed to have you and so many other friends that care so much. (cont. in morning)

November 28, 1999

Morning has finally come. Actually it has been here for a couple of hours, but I just woke up. I think I am awake. I don't even know. I went to bed this morning at 3:30, so time to me now is pretty obsolite. Anyway, I feel great. Though I can't quite understand why. I had the weirdest dream last...this morning. If you read on and stay a while, I'll fill you in.

My Dream

I am fast alseep in my bed when the dream starts, and I am awoken by a dim blue glow. My eyes take a moment to focus on what is before me. To my surprise it is a young angel. She looks to about my height, maybe taller. I can't quite fix on her eyes, but I can see that she has dark hair. I recognize her image, but can not put a name on her. Her vosion of love and beauty leaves me speachless. I try to reach up to her , but my hands go right through her. It was as if she was their..but not really. Was this trying to tell me that she was physically too far away? Untouchable perhaps? It felt so real. I think it was a dream. All I can remember besides that is that she kept saying I'm sorry... I did not understand what she was saying sorry for. When she left, a chill came over me. I looked down at myself and saw that a piece was missing from my chest. Was this trying to say that she took my heart? She took the warmth from my body and spirit when she left me. It was the wierdest feeling in the world. Shortly after she left, I woke up. The only thing that was left behind from her was a small rose. Strange huh?

November 29, 1999

I had a pretty ok kinda night last night. I went up to the state theatre to meet some friends and hang out. The only catch was that only 2 of the 4 showed up. It was ok though. I got done what I had wanted to acomplish. Brandi came in around 7:30pm, so I gave her a little something to deliver for me. It was just a single pink rose. I wish I could have seen Andrea's face when she came in and had it waiting for her. If Brandi did what I had hoped, she didn't tell who it was from. Let her wonder for a while, or at least until she reads what I just wrote. Since only half of the people showed up, me and Justin just left and went back to his place. As usual we just sat around and played video games.

When I got home I decided to go online. Nothing new was happening in cyberspace, so I just worked on a few parts of my sites. Later that evening, Jennifer(Wa) IMed me. We talked for a while, but I proved to be pretty boring due to my working on the site while trying to talk to her. After we finished online, Lyn called me up on the phone. She was so excited that she saw me drive by her today in the car. Her happiness sounded like that of a child. It was very cute. Anyway, we talked about pretty much the same stuff...Me going into the Air Force, her modeling career, and so on. I think I scared her though. I was getting really bored so I told her about this nightmare I had just recently. That was a mistake. After I finished my story, she claimed that she heard moving in her house all around her, but everyone was fast asleep. Kinda freaky isn't it? ::12:41pm::

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High School Pictures
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Email: capicino4u@aol.com