MESSAGE OF THE DAY:
Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and b*tch-slap the motherf*cker upside the head...
Mickey and Minnie went to court. The judge said to Mickey, "You said here that your wife is crazy?" Mickey says, "No, I didn't say that. I said that she was f*cking goofy."
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!" To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"
*****SeX eDuCaTiOn***
Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious.He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny,she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother. " 'Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too,because pretty soon both of them started panting and gettin all out of breath. His other hand must of been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared --her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp,and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats--they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.
I like *n sync but this is really funny
~~~~Scream 3 Starring...*NSYNC~~~~
The phone rings, and Justin gets up from his couch to answer it..
Justin: Yello?
Scary Voice: Hello, Justin.
Justin: Um, who be dis?
Scary Voice: Well, you tell me.
Justin: I gots no ideas.
Scary Voice: Do you like scary movies?
Justin: Yeah g! I saw dat Backstreet Boys home video 20 times, yo!
Scary Voice: That's not what I'm talking about you f*cking idiot! I
mean
HORROR movies! Like, "Halloween H20" or Friday the 13th, or something
like
that!
Justin: Ohhh! Nah, homes, I don't watch much sh*t like dat. At least
not
without my mommy around ... hold up a minute, who da h*ll is dis? I've gotta fly honey comin' over in a second, so I can't be wastin' my flava on you!
Scary Voice: Her name wouldn't be.. Britney- would it?
Justin: H*LLS NO! I wouldn't touch that skank if ya'll PAID me!
Scary Voice: Then who the hell do I have tied up on your patio?
Justin: WHAT?!
Justin: Yo- it's abouts time someone did that!
Scary Voice: We're going to play a little game, Justin. If you answer
the question right, Britney lives. If you get it wrong, then I kill her and leave her body in your Benz.
Justin: My Benz! Oh my God, da blood would never come out of the
upholstery! [Justin starts to cry.] Okay, okay! I'll play yo' game, g!
Scary Voice: First question ... name the other members of NSYNC in 10 seconds or less.
Justin: [Pausing] Uhh, well ... um, there's JC, ... what's-his-face
Chris!... uh, there's one named Lance, right? Okay, dats four ...
Scary Voice: Times up! Say bye-bye to Britney!
Justin watches in horror as Britney is gutted, her fat rolls out falling
all over the patio.
Scary Voice: Now, Justin. On to Round Two ... what color are you?
Justin: What?
Scary Voice: You heard me, what COLOR are you?!
Scary Voice: Are you BLACK or WHITE, Justin?
Justin: [finally, after a hesitation, he answers...] Yo, is dis a trick
question?
Scary Voice: Wrong Answer, Justin!
A dark figure, wearing a white ghost mask, suddenly jumps through the
glass door. He stabs Justin 34 times. (violent much?) and hangs his body
from
the rafters.
Justin (dying): Joey! ...Dats..who da other..one...is!
The next day at Transcon, NSYNC finds out the horrible news...
Lance (hanging up the phone): Hey, you guys, I got some bad news.
Somebody killed Justin last night.
Chris: WHAT?!
JC: Oh my God! Justin's dead?! Without Justin, we're ruined! Who else can even get 8-year-olds sexually aroused but him? Certainly not any of us.
Joey: Hey, when are we eating?
Chris: Is that all you can think about? My BEST FRIEND is dead! He was the only one who ever laughed at my jokes! I'm screwed!
Lance: Hey, on the plus side, somebody killed Britney too.
JC: Well, I guess every cloud does have its silver lining.
Lou: Boys, I'm sure you've heard the terrible news. I'm probably losing
thousands of dollars as we speak. Anyway, to be on the safe side, I'm
imposing a curfew on you. You must all be indoors by 9 o' clock.
Chris: What a fat piece of sh*t.
Joey (looking up from a bag of chips): Huh?
Chris: No, not you Joey. I was talking about Lou.
Joey: Oh.
JC: So what are we going to do?
Lance: Well, if we have to be in by nine, why don't we invite all of our friends over so we won't be lonely?
JC: Yeah, but Lance, you don't have any friends.
Lance: Oh yeah. Okay, why don't we just all get wasted and make fun of Joey instead?
JC and Chris: Okay!
Chris: Hey, can somebody get me another beer?
Lance: Yeah, me too.
JC: Me three.
Joey: How come I'm always the one who has to get the beer?
JC: What else are you good for?
Lance: Hey Joey, I think there's a coke in the garage.
Joey: Coke?
Lance (nodding): Yeah, a Superman-shaped one. You can have it if you get us more beer.
Joey: SUPERMAN-SHAPED!! Oh my, God, I think I just had an orgasm!
JC: That was more than I needed to know.
Joey: Hey, I don't see any coke! But Lance wouldn't LIE to me! I've
shared too much of myself with him to do that!
Suddenly, the door slams. Joey whirls around only to come face to face
with the dark, scary ghost-faced man.
Joey: What the hell?
The killer raises a knife and charges at Joey. Joey shrieks and tries
to
squeeze through the cat door, only to find that his head is the only thing
he
can fit.
Joey: Well, this is...awkward.
JC (returning from the bathroom, YES, contrary to teenybopper belief,
NSYNC DOES use the bathroom)! : Hey guys, what's taking Joey so long?
Chris: Who cares? He's gone. Lets enjoy the moment.
JC: Well, I'm going to check on him.
JC heads to the garage, and discovers Joey's body hanging from the
door.
Suppressing the urge to vomit, he runs back to the living room to tell Chris
and Lance what he'd discovered.
JC (panicking): You guys! Joey's dead! I saw his body hanging ...
(trailing off) Uh, guys, why are you SMILING like that?
Lance: What's not to smile about? Justin's dead, Joey's dead, and soon you'll be dead. (Lance raises a bloody knife and slowly advances towards
JC.) You like my knife? It's an antique. As BOP reported, I really do collect
them. But you already knew that, didn't you, JC? That's because you know everything, don't you?
JC: Chris! Help me out here!
Chris: Help? HELP? Why? So you can steal more of my solos later? I don't think so.
JC: Why? Why would you do something like this?
Lance: Why? 'Cause I'm from MISSI-F*CKING-SSIPPI, THAT'S WHY! Or how about this? Lets see, how you would feel if people constantly told you that
you couldn't dance, that you were really a girl, and that you were having sex with JOEY?! You would want to kill people too!
JC: You've got a point ... but Lance, all those things are true.
Lance: Shut the f*ck up!
JC: Chris? What about you, what's YOUR motive, huh?
Chris: My motive? I'm a 27 year old virgin (not really, but whatever)
with dreadlocks, and the only people who see me as a sexual being are under
the age of fourteen. Plus, I'm the CRAZY one of the group! It comes with the territory!
JC: Fair enough.
Lance: But you haven't even seen the best part. (Lance snaps his fingers.) Chris! Bring the surprise!
JC: Oh my God! You've kidnapped Nick Carter!
Lance: Picture this: Nick relizes that he is not the number one sex symbol in America anymore because of a certain JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. He snaps,
and goes on a killing spree. He kills all the members of NSYNC, except, of course, me and Chris.
Chris: Being the stupid f*ck that he is, he forgets that we're in the group ... actually, most people tend to forget that.
Lance: Then, the reality of what he's done hits him, and he kills himself. It's perfect!
JC: Yeah, except ... hey, what's Topanga doing here?
Lance turns around quickly. JC quickly kicks the knife out of Lance's
hand and grabs it. He stabs Chris through the forehead. Chris stumbles and
falls face-first into the kitty-litter box.
Lance: Wow, he finally did something funny.
JC: I'll say.
The two continue to struggle as Nick Carter wets his pants for the fifth
time. Finally, JC manages to tip the refrigerator over, crushing Lance's
skull. JC unties Nick.
Nick: Oh, JC! Your my hero!
JC: Dude, get the f*ck off me. (JC brushes himself off.) Hey, now I can
finally have a solo career! What a great ending! I'm
freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!