This is THE Joke List Compilation. Joke Lists 1-17 are included. Many thanks are due to Saurabh Desai (desaiguy@aol.com)for creating this monstrosity. Compiled by Kevin Dwyer (adidaskpd@aol.com). *SPECIAL INSTRUCTIONS* -- To go to any list in particular, Use the "find" function and search for "Joke List X" and replace X with the number. (not roman numerals) ------------------------------------------------------------- Joke List 1 ------------------------------------------------------------- The Frog Story A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?"the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table,the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room." The Camel There is a new commander of a base of the French Foreign Legion, and the captain is showing him around all the buildings. After he has made the rounds the commander looks at the captain and says, "Wait a minute. You haven't shown me that small blue building over there. What's that used for?" The captain says, "Well sir, you see that there are no women around. Whenever the men feel the need of a woman, they go there and use the camel." "Enough!" says the commander in disgust. Well, two weeks later, the commander himself starts to feel in need of a woman. He goes to the captain and says, "Tell me something, Captain." Lowering his voice and glancing furtively around, he asks, "Is the camel free anytime soon?" The captain says, "Well, let me see." He opens up his book. "Why, yes, sir, the camel is free tomorrow afternoon at two o'clock." The commander says, "Put me down for two o'clock then." So the next day at two o'clock the commander goes to the little blue building and opens the door. There inside he finds the cutest camel he's ever seen. Right next to the camel is a little step stool, so he closes the door behind him and puts the step stool directly behind the camel. He stands on the stool, drops his pants, and begins to have sex with the camel. A minute later the captain walks in. "Ahem, begging your pardon, sir," says the captain, "but wouldn't it be wiser to ride the camel into town and find a woman like all the other men?" The Gift A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. "These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. "I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. "When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. "Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love. "P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing." The New Priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." 12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God." 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's. The OJ Trial As Told By Dr. Seuss I did not kill my lovely wife. I did not slash her with a knife. I did not bonk her on the head. I did not know that she was dead. I stayed at home that fateful night. I took a cab, then took a flight. The bag I had was just for me. My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be. When I came home I had a gash. My hand was cut from broken glass. I cut my hand on broken glass. A broken glass did cause that gash. I have nothing, nothing to hide. My friend, he took me for a ride. Did you take this person's life? Did you do it with a knife? I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not anytime. Did you hit her from above? Did you drop this bloody glove? I did not hit her from above. I cannot even wear that glove. I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would, not, anytime. And now I'm free, I can return To my house for which I yearn. And to my family whom I love. Hey now I'm free -- Give back my glove!! Ironies If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter? Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from? If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box? When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose? Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines? How did a fool and his money GET together? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan? How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? What's another word for thesaurus? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? What do they use to ship styrofoam? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? Why is abbreviation such a long word? Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container? Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? Does 'virgin wool' come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet? When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says --"objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible? Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC? If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with? If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away? Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission? Does fuzzy logic tickle? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"? Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress? Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs? Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics? Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one? Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives? If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer? What was the best thing before sliced bread? Bad Day, Worse Day Bad: You can't find your vibrator. Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it. Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room. Worse: You're in it. Bad: Your children are sexually active. Worse: With each other. Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser. Worse: He looks better than you. Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism. Worse: As a sacrifice. Bad: Your wife wants a divorce. Worse: She's a lawyer. Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: For another woman. Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: To enter a convent. Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting. Worse: She implicates you. Good: Hot outdoor sex. Bad: You're arrested. Worse: By your husband. Good: The postman's early. Bad: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47. Good: The secretary said "yes." Bad: Your wife says "no." Good: The teacher likes your son. Bad: Sexually. Worse: He's gay. Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: So did the postman. Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: Your wife walks in. Good: You get a three-day weekend. Bad: You get the flu on Friday. Good: You get tickets to the theatre. Bad: It's performance art. Good: You go to see a strip show. Bad: Your daughter's the headliner. Good: Your boyfriend's exercising. Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes. Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas." Bad: For real. Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right". Bad: Your son, that is. Good: Your daughter's on the Pill. Bad: She's thirteen. Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude. Bad: He weighs 350 pounds. Good: Your son's doing extra credit work. Bad: Making a sex ed video. Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune. Bad: It's counterfeit. Good: Your wife bought a porn video. Bad: Your daughter's the star. Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex. Bad: You live downtown. Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude. Bad: She's coming home. Good: Your wife's kinky. Bad: With the neighbors. Worse: All of them. The Breathalyzer Test A police officer was assigned to stake out the parking lot of a rowdy bar and watch for possible violations of drunk-driving laws. Watching from his car, the cop saw a patron stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, then try to open the doors of a dozen cars before finding his own car and collapsing in the front seat, where he remained immobile. And where he continued to remain immobile as the evening progressed and others left the bar, started up their cars, and drove away. Finally, with the parking lot all but empty, the patron pulled himself to an upright position, started the car, and attempted to pull out of the lot. Immediately the cop pounced, pulled the motorist from the car, and administered an on-the-spot Breathalyzer test. The result: 0.0% blood alcohol content. "How could that be," the cop asked asked the motorist. "Simple," the driver said. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy." 125 THINGS NEVER TO SAY DURING SEX 1)is it in? 2)that's it? 3)you've got to be kidding me. 4)(phone rings) hello? oh nothing and you? 5)do i have to pay for this? 6)do i have to call you tomorrow? 7)oh momma, momma! 8)oh dadda, dadda! 9)you look better in the dark. 10)this is much better than my last girl/boyfriend. 11)i thought that goes in the other hole.... 12)don't tell my husband/wife. 13)you have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it). 14)this sucks. 15)can you finish now? i have a meeting... 16)i hope you don't expect a raise for this... 17)i think you might get the job for this. 18)damn! is that all you know what to do. 19)did i tell you, i have herpes? 20)now we must get married. 21) hurry up, the games about to start. 22)i'm hungry. 23)i'm thirsty. 24)zzzzzzzzzzzz. 25)are you trying to be funny? 26)can i have a ride home after this? 27)are those real? 28)by the way, i want to break up. 29)is that smell coming from you? 30)haven't you ever done this before? 31)wow!! i've never seen those before (then grope wildly). 32)do you know what some female spiders do after sex? 33)you're so much like your sister.... 34)your mom's cute. 35)what's your name again? 36)do i have to be here in the morning? 37)a second time? i barely stayed awake the first time! 38)but you just started!! 39)you're about as good as a 9 year old, and i should know!! 40)don't touch that!! 41)can we order a pizza? 42)i think my dad is listening at the door. 43)smile for the camera, honey!!! 44)take off that damn monkey glove!! 45)get your hand out of there!! 46)i think the condom broke 10 minutes ago. 47)i knew you wore a padded bra!! 48)cover me boys, i'm going in!!! 49)DIVE! DIVE! DIVE! 50)Fire one! 51)God, that is small!! 52)hold on, let me change the channel... 53)who smells like fish? 54)is it o.k. if my mom (and/or dad) joins in? 55)your best-friend does it much better. 56)hope you don't mind i left my boots on. 57)hurry up, the motor's runnin'. 58)you're fogging up the wind-sheild. 59)can i borrow 5 bucks? 60)what the hell noise was that?! 61)stop moaning, you sound so stupid. 62)shut up, bitch! (worse if the girl says it) 63)you know, you're not really attractive. 64)i'm sorry, i was not listening. 65)what, oh yea, i love you too, now let me concentrate!! 66)stop interrupting me!! 67)i have to take a shit. 68)did i leave the iron on? 69)your breath is funky. 70)(start singing Green Day). 71)is it o.k. if i call someone, its o.k. though, keep going.... 72)its ok honey, i can imagine that its bigger. 73)god i wish you were a real woman. 74)why can't you ever shave your legs? 75)by the way, when i drove over here, i ran over your dog.... 76)oh susan, susan... i mean donna.... shit. 77)your breast milk is like my mom's.... 78)you're hairy!! 79)your "happy trail" led me to a dead end. 80)is it o.k. if i never see you again? 81)did i forget to tell you i got worms from my cat? 82)don't make that face at me! 83)all of a sudden i have a headache. 84)you're boring. 85)i like your tits. 86)suck my dick, bitch. 87)how much do i owe you? 88)How come we each have a penis? 89)of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'l kill me! 90)your ass is hairy (the guy says this). 91)just use your finger, its bigger. 92)does your family have to watch? 93)we'll try again later when you can satisfy me too. 94)get off me, i'll do it myself!!!! 95)can you hold this sandwhich for me? 96)you're as soft as a sheep, inside and out. 97)the only reason i'm doing this is because i'm drunk. 98)my mom taught me this..... 99)how cute... peach fuzz! 100)Damn girl! my tits are bigger than your's! 101)should i ask why you're bleeding? 102)this is my pet rat, larry.... 103)if you can't do it, i'll find someone else who can! 104)i haven't had this much sex since i was a hooker! 105)i was once a woman... 106)wanna see me take out my glass eye? 107)no i don't love your mind, i can't grab that!! 108)is it o.k. if i tell my friends about this? 109)i'm sobering up and you're getting ugly! 110)you wanted me to use a condom? 111)you're no better than my brother!! 112)mooooo!! 113)Fire in the hole!!! 114)i wanna see how many quaters i can fit in there. 115)hurry up, i'm late for a date. 116)o.k. start...oh! that feels so... YOU'RE DONE??!! 117)you ever see basic instinct? 118)i'm out of condoms, can i use a sock? 119)don't squirm, you'll spill my beer. 120)Did i tell you where my cold sore came from? 121)you got boogies showing. 122)(start reciting the 10 commandments). 123)i think i just shit on your bed. 124)of course i don't love you. 125)let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-i-n-t. THE WORLD'S BEST PICKUP LINES (AND MUCH, MUCH, MORE!) 1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands. 2. Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams. OR: I want to call your mother and thank her. 3. Is your daddy a thief? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they >say "yes."] 4. You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear. 5. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want? 6. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway. 7. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word. 8. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night? 9. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning. 10. My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream. 11. My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover." 12. Nice shoes. Wanna make love? 13. Can I flirt with you? 14. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of....... 15. [Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?":] Checking to see if you were made in heaven. OR: Checking to see if you're the right size. 16. All those curves, and me with no brakes. 17. If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? 18. Make love to me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me first? 19. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine. 20. [Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken? 21. Is it hot in here or is it just you? 22. Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart. [Cheese alert!] 23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. 24. How about you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up? 25. Do you know what'd look good on you? Me. 26. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me? 27. So... How am I doin'? 28. How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes? 29. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg. 30. Say, that's a nice [dress/outfit/article of clothing]. Can I talk you out of it? 31. I lost my phone number. Can I have yours? 32. I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away. 33. Excuse me, is that semen in your hair? 34. My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it. 35. (regard their outfit) Gee, that's becoming on you, if you wore me, I'd be coming on you too. Pickup Lines Comebacks I know how to please a woman. Then please leave me alone. I want to give myself to you. Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts. Your hair color is fabulous. Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store. You look like a dream. Go back to sleep. I can tell that you want me. Yes, I want you to leave. Hey, baby, what's your sign? Do not enter. or Stop. I'd go through anything for you. Let's start with your bank account. May I have the last dance? You've just had it. Your place or mine? Both. You go to your place, and I'll go to mine. Your body is like a temple. Sorry, there are no services today. Is this seat empty? Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down. What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar? What's it like being the biggest liar in the world? Haven't I seen you someplace before? Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore. The Shit List The Ghost Shit - the kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there’s no shit in the bowl. The Clean Shit - the kind where you feel shit come out, see the shit in the bowl, but there’s no shit on the toilet paper. The Wet Shit - You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don’t ruin them with those dreadful skid marks. The Wet Cheeks Shit - that’s the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water or splash back. The Liquid Shit - that’s the sort where yellowish brown liquid shoots out of your ass, splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, the whole time burning your tender anus. The Mexican Food Shit - in a class of its own The Second Wave Shit - this shit happens when you think you’ve finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realise you have to shoot some more. The Brain Haemorrhage-through-your-nose Shit - you have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke. The Corn Shit - no explanation needed. The Giant Shit - the kind that’s so enormous you’re afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush. The Notorious Drinker Shit - the kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It’s most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush. The “Gee-I-really-wish-I-could” Shit - the kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting. The Power Dump Shit - the kind that comes out so fast, you’ve barely got your pants down and your done. The Spinal Tap Shit - the kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you’d swear it’s got to be coming out sideways. The “I-think-I’m-giving-birth-through-my-asshole” Shit - the shape and size of the turd resembles a tall Bud bottle. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards. The Porridge Shit - The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choice: a) flush and keep flushing b) risk it pilling up to your butt while you sit there, helpless. The “I’m-going-to-chew-my-food-better” Shit - When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning. The “I-think-I’m-turning-into-a-bunny” Shit - when you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make a tiny splishy sounds when the hit the water. The “What-the-hell-died-in-here” Shit - also known as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don’t warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out a-gagging and a-gasping for air. The “I-just-know-there’s-a-turd-still-dangling-there” Shit - where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop. The Happy Little Sperm Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley who lived inside a famous movie actor. Stanley was a very healthy sperm. He'd do push-ups and somersaults and limber himself up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around on their fat asses not doing a thing. One day, one of them became curious enough to ask Stanley why he exercised all day. Stanley said, "Look, pal, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when the right time comes, I am going to be that one." A few days later, they all felt themselves getting hotter and hoter, and they knew that it was getting to be their time to go. They were released abruptly and, sure enough, there was Stanley swimming far ahead of all the others. All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began to swim back with all his might. "Go back! Go back!" he screamed. "It's a blow job!" Top Ten Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex 1. Good chocolate is easy to find. 2. "If you love me you'll swallow" has real meaning with chocolate. 3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft. 4. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to. 5. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind. 6. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate. 7. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake. 8. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate. 9. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped. 10.With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good. ENERGIZER BUNNY OBITUARY It is with great remorse that I inform you all of the sad news of something that happened to someone very dear to us all. Last night, at approximately 8:42 pm, the Energizer Bunny, after going, and going, and going for so long, unfortunately passed away. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner reported the cause of death as acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation.. Apparently, someone had put Mr. Bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming..... ------------------------------------------------------ Joke List 2 ------------------------------------------------------ Algebra I Mid Term Exam Ebonics Version Directions: Make sho yo be putting yo name on the upper right hand coner. Don't be axing no dumbass questions an keep yo shifty mothafuckin eyes on yo own sorryass papers. Number I.(25%) Elon and Tyrell bot want to meet fo lunch. Elon's home be 5 mile north of Tyrell. If Elon leave at 10:30 bookin bout 3 mile per hour while Tyrell, who have one coolass bike, ain't not departin till I 1:00 zoomin bout 20 mile per hour, what time be Elon axing Tyrell for a bite of fiied chicken? Number 2.(25%) Yolanda, she be 11 year older than her daughter Carinda. Carinda have a bitch Carmel who haf her age. In how many years be Carmel haf as old as that uglyass ho Yolanda? Number 3.(40%) If Leroy axes Marvin fo 10 gram of 60% coke an Marvin ain't not got nothing but 8 gram of 80% and some ol 20% shit, how much of the cheap stuff be Marvin mixing up so Leroy can go off the hizzie? Number 4.(10%) Lenwood and Keshawn jus lifted one gross of basketballs offa Kmart. If studly Lenwood can dunk fo mo balls per minute than Keshawn, how long be these bros slammin and jammin fo they be needin suh mo balls to play wif? Extra Credit: Which number, A or B be bigger? Make sho you shows all yo work. A. The total number of hos Wilt Chamberlain and B.B. King be sleeping wif. B. The number of yard OJ done ran fo in his best season timeses the number a cuts he be putting in that no good honkey bitch Nicole afta catchin her wif a guy what ain't got no goddam mothafuckin rights be ridin roun wif Js car. This is a long one COYOTE V. ACME In The United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona Case No. B19293, Judge Lance Ito, Presiding Wile E. Coyote, Plaintiff -vs.- Acme Company, Defendant Opening statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote: My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district, and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result of the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability. Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company's mail-order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labelling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for Workmen's Compensation. Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifty feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along its path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to, due to a poorly designed steering on the Rocket Sled and a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa. Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures, contusions, and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts on all four legs. Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to mobility one pair of Acme Rocket Skates. When he attempted to use this product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attached powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision for passenger safety. Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard so violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette. Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of Defendant: the Acme "Little Giant" Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing, see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalogue and attached deposition, entered in evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner. To cite just one example: At the expense of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiralling downward around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb (Catalogue #78-832), climbed to the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote's prey, seeing the birdseed, approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate prior to its release by Mr. Coyote. In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparations to naught, the premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in the following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote: 1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck, and muzzle. 2. Sooty discoloration. 3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the aftershock with a creaking noise. 4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling, and ashy disintegration. 5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring. We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D. Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to date, no explanation has been found for this product's sudden and extreme malfunction. As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile strength and compressed in a tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard release. Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon his prey in the initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are at a premium. To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's prey was known to frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard release. Within a short time, Mr. Coyote's prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs at full extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the lanyard release. At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyot forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in air. Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the full weight of his head and forequarters falling upon his lower extremities. The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed. The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact with the boulder, or the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process continued for some time. The sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr. Coyote, viz., flattening of the cranium, sideways displacement of the tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr. Coyote's body tissues--a rare and painful condition which caused Mr. Coyote to expand upward and contract downward alternately as he walked, and to emit an off-key, accordionlike wheezing with every step. The distracting and embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a major impediment to Mr. Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life. As the court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is our contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come to mistrust Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in a most reckless and wrongful manner over and over again. Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorney's fees of seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure Defendant, its directors, officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only language they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to equal protection under the law. Ebonics Vocab List A friend of mine has an 18 year old son named Leroy. He attends Oakland High School where they teach Ebonics as a second language. Last week he was given an easy homework assignment. All he had to do was put each of the following words into sentences. This is what Leroy did....... 1. RECTUM - i had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady RECTUM both. 2. DISAPPOINTMENT - My parole officer tol me if i miss DISAPPOINTMENT they gonna send me back to the big house. 3. FORECLOSE - if i pay alimony this month, i'll have no money FORCLOSE. 4. CATACOMB - Don King was at the fight the other night, Man, somebody give that CATACOMB. 5. PENIS - i went to da doctor and handed me a cup and said PENIS. 6. ISRAEL - Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex. I said, man that looks fake. He said, no, ISRAEL. 7. UNDERMINE - there is a fine lookin' hoe livin' in the apartment UNDERMINE. 8. TRIPOLI - i was gonna buy my old lady a bra but couldn't find no TRIPOLI. 9. STAIN - my mother-in-law axed if i was STAIN for dinner again. 10. SELDOM - my cousin gave me two tickets to the Knicks game, so i SELDOM both. 11. ODYSSEY - i told my bro, you ODYSSEY the tits on this hoe. 12. HORDE - my sister got into trouble because she HORDE around in school. 13. INCOME - i ost got in bed wit dis hoe and INCOME my wife. 14. FORTIFY - i axed da hoe how much, and she say FORTIFY. 15. HONOR - at the rape trial, the judge axed my buddy, who HONOR first? 16. DOCUMENT - i be gettin taked to the hospital after gettin beat down by the man. they release me wif no scriptun. i says, "DOCUMENT to be given me some pain killers, right bro?" 17. COPIED - i be drivin and needed 't axe for directions. i be seein the 5-0 man near the alley and goes up to him and be tappin him on the shoda. he be turning round quick and man, that COPIED all over my shoe. 18. DISPLAY - me an my homeboy be checkin out the superbowl on our stoled tv. I be sayin to my man Rufus, "check out DISPLAY comin' up." 19. SEQUENCE - i be sayin to my hoe, "bitch, take you damn wig outside, you be gettin SEQUENCE all over de damn 'partment. 20. COMMAND - momma be standin in de door and yellin, "COMMAND eat yo grits 21. DESCENT - i bein chased by de cops wid de dogs and i be runnin thru the river so de dogs be losin DESCENT. 22. COMPACT - i be smackin my ol lady in the head fo not givin me my pimpin money. she says, "yo, COMPACT yo stuff and be gettin out!" 23. DESIGN - jarome be drivin de stoled lincoln fast 'cause the cops be chasin his ass. He be gettin in a big ol accident at de intersection. i says, "jarome, didn't you be seein DESIGN dat say stop?" 24. DICTATE - Afta dat bitch be givin me blow job, I axed dat hoe my DICTATE. Needless to say, Leroy got an A. GOD BLESS AMERICA. Am I Black or Jewish? This little black kid walks into the living room as says "dad, am I more black or more jewish?" dad just looks at him and says "I dont know, go ask your mother... The kid walks into the kitchen and asks the mother the same thing, she replies "I dont know, go ask your father". The kid walks back into the living room and asks dad again. Dad says " I dont know son, why do you ask?". The kid replies "well billy, down the street, is selling his bicycle and I dont know wether to talk down the price or just steal the motherfucker!" Fridays Suck One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon: Demon: Why so glum, chum? Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell. Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more. Guy: Gee, that sounds great. Demon: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it. Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fxxxin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead. Guy: Golly! Demon: I bet you like to gamble. Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do. Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table. Guy: Gosh, I never played pai gow before... Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs? Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean... Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay... you're already dead. Guy: Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place! Demon: You gay? Guy: Uh, no. Demon: Oooh (grimaces), you're gonna hate Fridays. The Italian who went to New York One day Ima go to New York to a bigga hotel. I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two pisstoast. She branga me only wona piss. I tella her I wanna two piss, she say go to the toilet, I say you no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better not piss on the plate you sonna ma Bitch! I don't even know the lady and she calla me sonna ma bitch. Later, I go to eat some lunch at Emma's Restaurant, the waitress bringa me a spoon, ana knife, but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tellsa me everybody wanna fock. I tella her, you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table. You sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me a sonna Ma Bitch. So I go back to my room inna hotel, an there's no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager ana tell him I wanna sheet. He tells me to go to the toilet. So I say you no understand, I wanna sheet on the bed. He say you better not sheet on the bed, you sonna Ma Bitch. I don't even know the man ana he call me sonna Ma Bitch. I go to check out and the man at the desk, he say peace to you. I say piss onna you too, you sonna Ma Bitch. Ima gonna back to Italy!! What AM I ???? This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 6 to 8 inches long. The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes. Is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft. After everything is ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. WHAT AM I? (answer is below... read on!) ANSWER: A Toothbrush Caught This girl was caught by her grand father fucking for the tenth time. He finally has enough and says "If you can stop fucking for one year I'll buy you a house". So, the girl does what her grandfather says and stops fucking for an entire year. "Well," the grandfather says "I didn't think you could do it but since you did here are the keys to your new house". Well now having a new house the girl does not think she will be interupted buy her grandfather, so she goes out and finds the biggest nigger she can find and takes him back to her new house to fuck. After two hours of fucking the grandfather comes to the front door and starts banging on it screeming "I know hes in there open the door so I can kill that son of a bitch goddamn it." She screems and says "You have got to hide my grandpa will kill you if he finds you here." so she tries the closet but his dick is so long it sticks out between her clothes, so she tries under the bed but his dick stubbs against the floor, so she takes him down stairs but cant ind anywhere to hide him so while her grandpa is still down stairs beeting on the door they run back up stairs and she says "Get on top of the canopy of my bed he'll never look up there." So, the nigger gets on top of the bed and she runs down stairs to let her grandfather in, "whats wrong grandpa" he gives her a dirty look and says"I know that you have someone in there and I'm going to kill him goddamn it." So he searches every room in the house and they finally wind up in her room "Well I must have had it wrong honey, I'm sorry for doubting you I will never doubt you again". Just then he looks up in to the canopy of her bed and notices something hanging down, "whats that?" he says, she looks up and sees the niggers balls hanging down "Oh! Thats my new door bell activator I use it when I go to bed to make sure the door bell is loud enough for me to hear so I will wake up if someone rings it". He walkes over to it and jams it with the but of his shotgun and nothing happens, "It doesn't work." "It worked a little while ago I don't understand why it won't work now," she says. He jams it again with his shot gun this time a little harder and it still doesn't work. So he takes his shotgun by the barrel and swings it like a bat and hits the balls hanging down and the nigger cries out in pain, "DING DONG MOTHERFUCKER DING DONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Cheese with a little Ebonics A poor black family has been saving up for months to buy some cheese. They finally can afford it and the mama send her son to the market for a big-ass bucket of cheese. He gets it, and it's a BIG motherfucker. So he puts it in a wheelbarrel and starts back to his house. Halfway home, it falls out and rolls all the way to the bottom of a large hill where some white guy picks it up and figures 'finders-keepers' so takes it back to his house. When home he says to his wife, "Honey, get the crackers, we got a whole shitload of cheese!" She replied, "What kind?" He said, "It's Nacho cheese." "How do you know?" She said. He said, "Cause this kid kept chasing me home yelling, 'IT'S NA-CHO CHEESE! IT'S NA-CHO CHEESE!!' " Italians on a Bus A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly, "in this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi." Star Trek TNG Meets Microsoft Picard: Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways? Geordi: Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology. Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen. Riker [puzzled]: What the hell is Microsoft? Data [turns to explain]: Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called Windows, through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate. Picard: But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity? Data: Yes, Captain. But when Windows detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an upgrade. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions. Picard: Excellent work. This is even better than that unsolvable geometric shape idea. . . . . 15 Minutes Later . . . Data: Captain, we have successfully installed the Windows in the Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected upgrade. Geordi: Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an upgrade to compensate for their increase. Picard: Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed. Data: Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the upgrade. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards. Riker: Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F! Geordi: [excited]: Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% ! Picard: Data, what do your scanners show? Data: [studying displays]: Appearently the Borg have found the internal Windows module named Solitaire, and it has used up all available CPU capacity. Picard: Lets wait and see how long this Solitaire can reduce their functionality. . . . . Two Hours Pass . . . Riker: Geordi, what is the status of the Borg? Geordi: As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more Windows modules from something called the Microsoft Fun-Pack. Picard: How much time will that buy us? Data: Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest time span of 6 more hours. Geordi: Captain, another vessel has entered our sector. Picard: Identify. Data: It appears to have markings very similar to the Microsoft logo... [over the speakers] This is admiral Bill Gates of the Microsoft flagship MONOPOLY. We have positive confirmation of unregistered software in this sector. Surrender all assets and we can avoid any trouble. You have 10 seconds to comply. Data: The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects. Picard: Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft! Riker: My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?! Data: I dont believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits. Riker and Picard, together [horrified]: Lawyers!! Geordi: It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening. Data: True, but appearently some must have survived. Riker: They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers. Data: I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as red tape. It often proves fatal. Riker: They're tearing the Borg to pieces! Picard: Turn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch. Even the Borg doesn't deserve such a gruesome death! -------------------------------------------------------------- Joke List 3 -------------------------------------------------------------- The Letter Home Dear Mom and Dad, It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down, okay? Well, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and I now can see almost normally and I only get those sick headaches once a week. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump was witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't exactly set the date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me as a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boy friend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am taking daily. I know you will welcome him into the family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, has ambitions. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know oft-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin colour is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too, for I hear that his father is an important gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he comes. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire. I do not have a concussion or a skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engage, I do not have syphilis and there is no colored man in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in history and a "F" in science class and I wanted you to see these marks in their proper perspective. Your loving daughter, Mary NYU Application IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON? I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college. Hebonics The Encino, California School Board has declared Jewish English a second language. Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics as the language of many of America's Jews. Here are some descriptions of the characteristics of the language, and samples of phrases in standard English and Jewish English. Guide to pronunciation Jewish English or "Hebonics" hardens consonants at the end of words. Thus, "hand" become "handt." The letter "w" is always pronounced as if it were a "v." Thus, "walking" becomes "valking." "R" sounds are transformed to a guttural utterance that is virtually impossible to spell in English. It's "ghraining" "alghready." Hard "th" sounds at the beginning of words become "z." Thus, "the" becomes "zeh." Idiomatic characteristics Questions always answered with questions: English question: "How do you feel?" Hebonics response: "How should I feel?" Subject often placed at end of sentence if pronoun used at beginning of sentence: "She dances beautifully, that girl." Sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to front for emphasis. Mountains becomes "shmountains" Turtle becomes "shmurtle" Sample usage comparisons English Phrase Hebonics Phrase He walks slow. Like a fly in zeh ointment he valks. You're sexy! (unknown concept) Sorry, I do not know the time. Vat do I look like, a clock? I hope things turn out for the best. You shouldt be so lucky. Anything can happen. It is never so badt, it can't get vorse. Could you turn on the lights? Don't vorry, I'll just sit in zeh dark (sigh). Bio Class Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body , which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment." New Oakland School Theme Song: When I find myself in Oakland County, I forget to conjugate "to be". I be speakin' "ebonics" Let it be. Let I be. Let you be. Let he be. Let she be. There be no conjugation. Let it be. I be talkin' funny now so Send sum fedrul funds to me So I can speak ebonics and Say "it be"! Say "I be". Say "you be". Say "he be". Say "she be". "Ebonics" be a language Say "it be". Don't tell me I be speakin' wrongly Cause I be watchin' MTV, Where I got my edjucation Let it be! Let I be. Let you be. Let he be. Let she be. I be watchin' rappers. Let it be. So listen to we thugs and gangstas You rich, white guys in old D.C. Hear my words of wiz-dumb Let it be! Exhausted The teacher had given the class an assignment and was stressing the importance of this particular assignment. In fact, no excuse would be acceptable for not finishing on time except serious illness or a death in the family. The students thought this over and then a smart-ass piped up with, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The whole class broke out laughing and when they settled down the teacher responded, "Well, I guess you'd have to learn to write with your other hand." Leap Tall Buildings On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off. Minutes later, he would appear in the elevator and repeat the entire process. This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiosity got the better of him. Finally, he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinking, then jumping off the balcony, and yet, minutes later, you're back again. How do you do it?" Well, the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that when I get near the ground, I slow down and land gently. It's lots of fun. You should try it." The guy, who was also quite drunk out of his gourd, thought to himself, "Hey, why not?" So he goes to the bar, drinks a shot of tequila, then walks out to the balcony, jumps off, and whooooooooooooo, SPLAT! The bartender shakes his head, looks over at the first guy and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk." Waiter and Spoon A man went to a busy restaurant and sat down at the only empty table. As he did so, he accidentally knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. The waiter immediately took a spoon from his pocket and placed it on the table. The man was very impressed by the promptness of the service and asked, "Do all the waiters carry a spoon in their pockets?" The waiter answered, "We had an efficiency expert in to evaluate our operation. He determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoon off their tables. By carrying a spare spoon, we all save trips to the kitchen and can be much more efficient." Later, as the customer asked for his bill he remarked to the waiter, "Excuse me for asking but why do you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "The efficiency expert determined that we were spending too much time washing our hands after we went to the bathroom. To counteract this, we tie strings to our penises." The customer looked confused. "How does that help?" he asked. "Well, when I go to the bathroom I just use the string. Since I never touched myself I don't need to wash my hands." The customer nodded and asked, "But how do you get your penis back in your pants?" The waiter smiled, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon." The Kid and The Frog A boy walks in to a brothel, dragging a dead frog behind him. The woman behind the counter says "How old are you son?" to which the boy replies "I'm nine years old, and I want to fuck a prostitute." The woman is a bit shocked, but answers politely, "I'm sorry son, but you're too young." To this the boy slaps $200 on to the table. "She'll be waiting in the first room on the right, up the stairs." "I want a girl with active herpes." "I'm sorry son, but I just can't do that for you" the woman tells the boy. The boy slaps another $200 on the table. "She'll be waiting in the second room on the left, up the stairs." So the boy walks up the stairs, dragging the frog behind him. About half an hour later, the boy comes back down the stairs, still dragging the frog. Now the woman has been thinking about the boy for the last half hour, so she says to him "I have a few questions before you go kid, 1st, what's with the dead frog, 2nd where did you get the money, and finally, why a girl with herpes?" The boy replies: "Now I've got herpes. When I get home, I'll fuck the babysitter and she'll get it. My dad will screw her when he drops her home and he'll get it. My dad will then shag my mom, and she'll get it, and then my mom will fuck the milkman, and he's the bastard who ran over my frog!!! Dishes Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them." Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!" Three guys in hell Three guys found themselves in Hell: Bob, Dave, and Greg. A little confused at their present situation, they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Bob, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Bob was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment. This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Dave, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Dave, like Bob, was whisked off. Greg, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Greg jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then "Cindy, you have sinned ... " Outrunning a Bear Two men were walking through the woods when a large bear walked out into the clearing no more than 50 feet in front of them. The first man dropped his backpack and dug out a pair of running shoes, then began to furiously attempt to lace them up as the bear slowly approached them. The second man looked at him, confused, and said, "What are you doing? Running shoes aren't going to help. You can't outrun that bear." "I don't need to," said the first man, "I just need to outrun you." The Rules of Combat 1. If the enemy is in range, so are you. 2. Incoming fire has the right of way. 3. Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire. 4. The easy way is always mined. 5. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. 6. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous. 7. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: 1. When you're ready for them. 2. When you're not ready for them. 8. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at. 9. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you. 10. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush. 11. Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you. 12. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. 13. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. 14. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid. 15. When in doubt empty the magazine. 16. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you. 17. Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing. 18. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out. 19. Mines are equal opportunity weapons. 20. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive. 21. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything. 22. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small. 23. Five second fuses only last three seconds. 24. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed. Heaven or Hell? Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?" St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" "I'll leave that up to you." "Okay then," said Bill, Let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!""Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter. "Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill. Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???" "That was a demo," replied St. Peter. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Joke List 4 ------------------------------------------------------------------ You May be a Computer Engineer/Computer Geek... If you stare at an orange juice container simply because it says CONCENTRATE. If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50 If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife" If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts If your idea of a fun evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is" If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal If you have more toys than your kids If you need a checklist to turn on the TV If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life If you spend more on your home computer than your car If you know what http:/ stands for If your lap-top computer costs more than your car NEW STRAINS OF COMPUTER VIRUSES Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 200Mb hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80Mb, and then slowly expands back to 200Mb. Ted Turner Virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor. Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism." Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. Michael Jackson Virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car. Peace Corps Virus: Toughest virus you'll ever love. PBS Virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money. Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self-destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America. Star Trek Virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before. Right to Life Virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives. L.A.P.D. Virus: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense". AT&T Virus: Every three minutes, it tells you what great service you are getting. The MCI Virus: Every three minutes, it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T Virus. Texas Virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. Nike Virus: Just Does it! Paul Revere Virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:> Bill Clinton Virus: Promises to save your disk, then once installed, does what all of the other viruses tell it to do and ignores its installer. George Bush Virus: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs....No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files. Ross Perot Virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits. Al Gore Virus: Undistinguishable from the directory tree. Mario Cuomo Virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run. Dan Quayle Virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network. Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. New World Order Virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it Gallup Virus: Sixty percent of the Pcs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.) Terry Randle Virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort" "Retry" "Fail" message. Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. Airline Virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. Freudian Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard. Ollie north virus: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder. Sears Virus: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks. Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Your programs can never be found again. Congressional Virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything. Kevorkian Virus: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy. Imelda Marcos Virus: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy. Health Care Virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500. Cleveland Indians Virus: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT. Chicago Cubs Virus: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it. Oral Roberts Virus: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, it's programmer will take it back. The Top 7 Things You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support 7) "So -- what are you wearing?" 6) "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!" 5) "Duuuuuude! Bummer!" 4) "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?" 3) "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC." 2) "...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it." and the Number 1 Thing You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support... 1) "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n." Priest's ass A Priest wanted to earn money for his chuch. He has heard there was money in horse racing, so he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However at the local auction the going price for horses was too steep and the Priest ended up buying a donkey. The Priest figured since he had the donkey he might as well enter it in the races. The donkey came in third. The following day in the Racing forms the headlines appeared: "Priest's Ass Shows". The Priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered the donkey in the races the next day also. The donkey won!!! The Racing form headlines read: "Priest's Ass Out In Front". The Bishop was so upset with this type of publicity that he ordered the Priest not to enter the donkey in any more races. The headlines read: "Bishop Scratches Priest's Ass". The Priest mentioned the episode in a posting he did to a Newsgroup on the Internet. This resulted in the headline, "Priest's Ass On Line." This was too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Priest to get rid of the donkey. The Priest gave the animal to the nearby Convent. The following day the headlines in the newspaper read: "Nuns Have Best Ass In Town". The Bishop fainted. He ordered the Nuns to get rid of the animal. So they sold it to a farmer for $10.00. The next day the paper read: "Nuns Peddle Ass for Ten Bucks". They buried the Bishop. The following day the headlines read: "Bishop Died From Too Much Ass". Confucius Quotes A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose. All men eat, but Fu Manchu. America good place to Put Chinese Restuarant. Baseball very funny game--man with 4 balls no can walk!! Butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders. Confucious say it take square ass to shit a brick. Crowded elevator smell different to midget. Don't drink and park, accidents cause people. He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons. He who sniffs Coke, drowns. He who fart in church sit in own pew. House without toilet is uncanny. Lady who live in glass house should dress in basement. Man with no legs bums around. Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons. Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get A flat miner. Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor. Man who eats photograph of his sire is soon spitting image of his father. Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self. Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself. Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands. Man with an unchecked parachute will jump to conclusion. Man who drive like hell bound to get there! Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants! Man who walk middle of road get run over by bus. Man who run in front of car get tyred Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out! Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed. Never trust men with short legs, brains too near the bottom. Ok for shit to happen . . . will decompose. People who make Confucious joke speak bad English. Preserve wildlife - pickle a hedgehog! Rape is impossible. Lady run much faster with dress up than man with pants down! Support bacteria; it's the only culture some people have! To make egg roll, push it. To prevent hangover stay drunk! War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left. Woman who put detergent on top shelf jump for Joy. Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom. The Young Couple A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the spedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help.", he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!" The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in." APPLICAZIONNE TO JOINA DE MAFFIA Whazza u name _________________________ U-Hage_______________ Whazza u howsa nummer ________________ U-Streeta____________ Whazza-U-Bag? Hitta Man_____ Lona-Arranger_____ Prostitutta?___ Izza U Girl or Boy? (If uzza girl, Oh-Boy!)_____ Justta Checka Wun. Putta Downa Wearra U Worgga Now___________________________________ Wazza U Inna De Bigga Ouse? ____ For Whatzza U Inna De Bigga Ouse? I Shoota Wun Guize_____ I Keednappa Sumbody's___________ Protekshun Ragget______ Udda Things_____________________ U Wanna B De Bigga Shotz, Dumdaze?? Yasse_____ No_____ Eh:_______ U Likka Eata Garlic? _________ Pizza? _________ Salami?__________ U No Ow 2 Makke De Cement Shooz? _________________________________ U Driva De Car? _______ Gadillac_______ Buick _____ Linken________ U Likka Likka Spagetti?____ Galamari_____ Girlze?_____ Boyze?______ (Just peeka one--no foola rounda cus I slappa U face) U Sees De Godfather? (Or justa de movie?) Widda U Antry U Gonna Getta Somtink U Reely Lika.................. 1 pr darke glasses 1 lb. mozzarella cheeze 1 black shirte widda white tie 1 kiss (later, onna U cheek) 1 pr. pointie shooz 1 wite hat, widde blacke brim 1 pr. cement shooz 1 spumoni (tutti-frutti) (come later when you foolaround) 8x10 picchur-Frank Sinatra 1 Appy Face Button Goode Stoff (Iffa U notta Sure, I Talle U Whatta U Getta, Wizaguy) JOINNA DE CLUB NOW WHILE YOU STILL CANNA RITE! STATE OF ARKANSAS Residency Application Name: ________________ (last) •(_) Billy-Bob •(_) Billy-Joe •(_) Billy-Ray •(_) Billy-Sue •(_) Billy-Mae •(_) Billy-Jack •(Check appropriate box) •Age: ____ •Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A •Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: •(_) Farmer •(_) Mechanic •(_) Hair Dresser •(_) Un-employed Spouse's Name: __________________________ Relationship with spouse: •(_) Sister •(_) Brother •(_) Aunt •(_) Uncle •(_) Cousin •(_) Mother •(_) Father •(_) Son •(_) Daughter •(_) Pet Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___ Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank) Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box) •___ Total number of vehicles you own •___ Number of vehicles that still crank •___ Number of vehicles in front yard •___ Number of vehicles in back yard •___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks Firearms you own and where you keep them: •____ truck •____ bedroom •____ bathroom •____ kitchen •____ shed Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_ •Do you have a gun rack? •(_) Yes (_) No; please explain: Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: •(_) The National Enquirer •(_) The Globe •(_) TV Guide •(_) Soap Opera Digest •(_) Rifle and Shotgun ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO How often do you bathe: •(_)Weekly •(_)Monthly •(_)Not Applicable Color of teeth: •(_)Yellow •(_)Brownish-Yellow •(_)Brown •(_)Black •(_)Not Applicable --------------------------------------------------------- Joke List 5 --------------------------------------------------------- Farmer's Dayvorce A Farmer walked into an Attorney's office wanting to file for a DIVORCE. The Attorney asked: "May I help you?" The Farmer said, "Yeah, I want to get one of them dayvorces." The Attorney said, "Well, Do you have any grounds?" The Farmer said, "Yeah, I got about 140 acres." The Attorney said, "No, You don't understand, Do you have a case?" The Farmer said, "No, I don't have no case but I got a John Deere." The Attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The Farmer said, "Yeah, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The Attorney said, "No Sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The Farmer said, "Yes Sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays." Shaking his head, the Attorney said, "Well, does you wife beat you up or anything?" The Farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30." The Attorney said, "well, is she a nagger or anything?" The Farmer said, "No she's a white gal, but our last baby was a nagger, and that's why I want this dayvorce!" 3 Beers An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking." Last Wishes A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?" The cowboy says, I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing." The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!" If Men Could Menstruate A white minority of the world has spent centuries conning us into thinking that a white skin makes people superior - even though the only thing it really does is make them more subject to ultraviolet rays and to wrinkles. Male human beings have built whole cultures around the idea that penis-envy is "natural" to women - though having such an unprotected organ might be said to make men more vulnerable, and the power to give birth makes womb-envy at least logical. In short, the characteristics of the powerful, whatever they may be, are thought to be better than the characteristics of the of the powerless - and logic has nothing to do with it. What would happen, for instance, if suddenly, magically, men could menstruate and women could not? The answer is clear - menstruation would become an enviable, boast-worthy, masculine event: Men would brag about how long and how much. Boys would mark the onset of menses, that longed-for proof of manhood, with religious ritual and stag parties. Congress would fund a National Institute of Dysmenorrhea to help stamp out monthly discomforts. Sanitary supplies would be federally funded and free. (Of course, some men would still pay for the prestige of commercial brands such as John Wayne Tampons, Muhammed Ali's Rope-a-dope Pads, Joe Namath Jock Shields - "For Those Light Bachelor Days," and Robert "Baretta" Blake Maxi-Pads.) Military men, right-wing politicians, and religious fundamentalists would cite menstruation ("MENstruation") as proof that only men could serve in the army ("You have to give blood to take blood"), occupy political office ("Can women be aggresive without that steadfast cycle governed by the planet Mars?"), be priests and ministers ("how could a woman give her blood for our sins"), or rabbis ("Without the monthly loss of impurities, women remain unclean"). Male radicals, left-wing politicians, and mystics, however, would insist that women are equal, just different; and that any woman could enter their ranks if only she were willing to self-inflict a major wound every month ("You MUST give blood for the revolution"), recognize the preeminence of menstrual issues, or subordinate her selfness to all men in their Cycle of Enlightenment. Street guys would brag ("I'm a three-pad man") or answer praise from a buddy ("Man, you are lookin' good") by giving fives and saying, Yeah, man, I'm on the rag!" TV shows would treat the subject at length. ("Happy Days": Richie and Potsie try to convince Fonzie that he is still "The Fonz," though he has missed two periods in a row.) So would newspapers. (SHARK SCARE THREATENS MENSTRUATING MEN. JUDGE CITES MONTHLY STRESS IN PARDONING RAPIST.) And movies. (Akroyd and Belushi in "The Blood Brothers"!) Men would convince women that intercourse was more pleasurable at "that time of the month." Lesbians would be said to fear blood and therefore life itself - though probably only because they needed a good menstruating man. Of course, male intellectuals would offer the most moral and logical arguements. How could a woman master any discipline that demanded a sense of time, space, mathematics, or measurement, for instance, without that in-built gift for measuring the cycles of the moon and planets - and thus for measuring anything at all? In the rarefied fields of philosophy and religion, could women compensate for missing the rhythm of the universe? Or for their lack of symbolic death-and-resurrection every month? Liberal males in every field would be kind: the fact that "these people" have no gift for measuring life or connecting the universe, the liberals would explain, should be punishment enough. Army Veteran Mr. Jones had hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. While taking dictation one morning, she noticed that his fly was open. Upon leaving the room she said, "Mr. Jones, your barracks door is open." He was puzzled by her remark, but later that day he noticed that his zipper was open. So, he decided to have a little fun with his secretary and called her back into his office. "By the way Miss Smith," he said, "When you noticed my barracks door open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention ?" "Why no sir," she replied, "All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags." 20 Thoughts to Get You Through Almost Any Crisis Indecision is the key to flexibility. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. Happiness is merely the remission of pain. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. Things are more like they are today then they have ever been before. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. Everything should be made as simple as possible but no simpler. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism. If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it. Actual News Stories LEAD STORIES * Former Gotti crime-family hitman Sammy "The Bull" Gravano cooperated on author Peter Maas's Gravano biography, "Underboss," to be published in April. Despite the fact that Gravano's testimony helped send Gotti to prison for life without parole, and 36 others to the slammer, and despite the fact that he admits to making 19 hits for the Gotti family, Gravano reportedly quit the Witness Protection Program and said he'll take his chances on the street. Though he had plastic surgery after he went underground, he agreed to show off his new face in the book, perhaps, said Maas, because the recently divorced Gravano would like to hear from any interested ladies. * Unclear on the Concept: The Multnomah County, Ore., school system was scheduled to begin in March test-marketing the idea of paying parents of chronic truants to help their kids get to school ($3 if they stay the whole day, $1 for a half day). And in February, the University of Maryland's Student Honor Council, crusading against academic dishonesty, offered local-merchant discount cards to students who pledged in writing not to cheat. (Said a critic, "By the time you get to bribing, you're already pretty far gone.") * Despite a lengthy development period and a year on the market, the Reebok shoe company realized only in February that its new line of Incubus athletic shoes for women was named for a mythological demon who raped slumbering females. And Walgreen's drug stores distributed discount-coupon books nationwide in February to honor Black History Week; among the product specials was skin-bleaching cream directed to the African-American market. FAMILY VALUES * In Woodbridge, Va., in January, a 35-year-old woman was charged with sexual abuse of her son, age 9, and according to police, she also arranged at least one sex instruction session between herself, the son, her daughter, 15, and her boyfriend, 34. According to the boyfriend, she was motivated by wanting to spare her kids from having to learn about sex on the street. (A year ago, she became a grandmother as a result of the boyfriend - daughter liaison.) * Raymond Taylor was sentenced to 40 years in prison in El Paso, Tex., in March after his conviction for attempted murder of his ex-wife. According to trial testimony, Taylor ordered his two kids, ages 10 and 12, to set his ex-wife's house on fire and instructed them how to do it and how to disable the home's smoke detectors. * Parenting License Revocations: According to police in Cairo, Egypt, Ibrahim Mohei Eddin, 40, pushed his 7-year-old son under a moving train and left him for dead at the behest of his brand-new, 23-year-old second wife. (The boy survived, but lost both legs.) And in January, in Williamsport, Pa., David W. Crist, 38, was convicted of pushing his deaf 9-year-old daughter into an oncoming truck in order, said prosecutors, to collect on an insurance policy. (He is also charged with trying to electrocute another daughter in 1990 and hiring a hit man to kill his brother in 1982, all allegedly for insurance money. Both kids survived; the brother didn't.) IRONIES * In October, Richard E. Clear, Jr., 32, was arrested in Tampa, Fla., for shooting his gun toward a neighbor who had complained about Clear's barking dog. Clear runs a martial-arts studio and advertises his experience in "stress management." * In October, the Des Moines Register reported that Daniel Long, 35, had been fired from his job as a greeter at a local Wal-Mart. According to records in the state unemployment appeals agency, Long had called one customer a "snob," told another she had to be "smarter than the cart" to get two carts unstuck, and called another a "fat elephant." * In November, retired police department custodian Jay Pfaff, 73, was fired from his job as school crossing guard because, said a police spokesman, "a number of parents" complained that they were uncomfortable because he was too nice to their children. PEOPLE IN THE WRONG PLACE AT THE WRONG TIME * In Lincoln, Neb., in February, two men attempted to shoplift shoes from an Athlete's Foot store, but a clerk and the manager ran them down outside. Clerk Dave Olson is captain of the University of Nebraska men's track team, and manager Robb Finegan is an Olympics-class marathoner. And two weeks earlier, near Warsaw, Poland, highway robbers forced off the road a car in which the coaches of the Belarussian and Russian biathlon (skiing and shooting) teams were riding. Following right behind, however, was the teams' bus, and as all of the athletes grabbed rifles, the robbers quickly scurried away. * On September 29 in rural northeast Vermont, the car in which Michael O'Keefe, 44, was riding was hit by a 700-lb. moose. O'Keefe was taken for treatment of cuts and returned to the road a few hours later in his own truck, which was then hit by another moose. UPDATE * In 1995 News of the Weird reported that the European Court of Human Rights had agreed to examine whether Britain's assault convictions against three men for engaging in consensual sado-masochism orgies (in which severe pain was inflicted on the genitals of apparently grateful recipients) were oppressive. In February 1997, the Court decided not to intervene, saying Britain had a right to protect its citizens from themselves, analogizing to the requirement of motorcyclists to wear helmets. THINNING THE HERD * Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del., as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger. And in February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles. PREGNANT A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested. When the case came before the court, the young man was as asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins" , then she moved under one that read "Sloan's Liniments Remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident." He won the case. QUIZ: (answers are at the bottom) 1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I? 2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I? 3. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I? 4. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me you feel good. What am I? 5. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I? 6. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I? 7. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. What am I? 8. I make some guys shoot in the air. I usually have a little pecker. I'm better in your hand than in your bush. What am I? ANSWERS 1. A dentist 2. A wedding ring 3. An elevator 4. A nose 5. A newspaper boy 6. A glove 7. An arrow 8. A bird SCORING: 0-1 Are you a teenager? 2-4 Horny eh? 5-7 You'll do better next time.. 8-9 Damn you're a geek DARWIN AWARD WINNER FOR 1997 ANNOUNCED You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. The 1995 winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. In 1996 the winner was an air force sergeant who attached a jet engine JATO) unit to his car and crashed into a cliff several hundred feet above the road. And now, the 1997 winner: Larry Waters of Los Angeles, one of the few Darwin winners to survive his award winning accomplishment. Larry's boyhood dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally discharged, he had to satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his backyard. One day, Larry, had a bright idea. He decided to fly. He went to the local Army/Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons and several tanks of helium. The weather balloons, when fully inflated, would measure more than four feet across. Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to his sturdy lawn chair. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the balloons with the helium. He climbed on for a test while it was still only a few feet above the ground. Satisfied it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and a six-pack of Miller Lite, loaded his pellet gun figuring he could pop a few balloons when it was time to descend and went back to the floating lawn chair. He tied himself in along with his pellet gun and provisions. Larry's plan was to lazily float up to a height of about 30 feet above his back yard after severing the anchor and in a few hours come back down. Things didn't quite work out that way. When he cut the cord anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didn't float lazily up to 30 or so feet. Instead he streaked into the LA sky as if shot from a cannon. He didn't level of at 30 feet, nor did he level off at 100 feet. After climbing and climbing, he leveled off at 11,000 feet. At that height he couldn't risk shooting any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really find himself in trouble. So he stayed there, drifting, cold and frightened, for more than 14 hours. Then he really got in trouble. He found himself drifting into the primary approach corridor of Los Angeles International Airport. A United pilot first spotted Larry. He radioed the tower and described passing a guy in a lawn chair with a gun. Radar confirmed the existence of an object floating 11,000 feet above the airport. LAX emergency procedures swung into full alert and a helicopter was dispatched to investigate. LAX is right on the ocean. Night was falling and the offshore breeze began to flow. It carried Larry out to sea with the helicopter in hot pursuit. Several miles out, the helicopter caught up with Larry. Once the crew determined that Larry was not dangerous, they attempted to close in for a rescue but the draft from the blades would push Larry away whenever they neared. Finally, the helicopter ascended to a position several hundred feet above Larry and lowered a rescue line. Larry snagged the line and was hauled back to shore. The difficult maneuver was flawlessly executed by the helicopter crew. As soon as Larry was hauled to earth, he was arrested by waiting members of the LAPD for violating LAX airspace. As he was led away in handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the daring rescue asked why he had done it. Larry stopped, turned and replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around." Let's hear it for Larry Waters, the 1997 Darwin Award Winner. Condoms Which one would you use? Nike Condoms: Just do it. Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling. Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby. Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop. Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker. Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing. Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman. Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it+s that simple. Ford Condoms: The best never rest. Chevy Condoms: Like a rock. Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did? New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never know. California Lotto Condoms: Who's next? Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever. KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good. Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing. Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one. Campbell+s Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good. General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life! AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone. Bounty: The quicker picker upper. Microsoft: Where do you want to go today ? Energizer: It keeps going and going and going.... M&M condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands! Taco Bell: Get some; make a run for the border. MCI: For friends and family Doublemint: Double your pleasure, double your fun! The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter. Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta is ready when you are. United Airlines travel pack: Fly United. The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before. What girls say ...what they mean ------------------------ ---------------------------------- Can't we just be friends? There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again. I just need some space ...without you in it Can you help me with my If I keep whining, the fool will do homework? it for me. Do I look fat in this dress? We haven't had a fight in a while No, pizza's fine Cheap bastard I just do not want a boyfriend I just do not want (you as) a boy- now friend I don't know; what do you want I can't believe that you have to do? nothing planned Come here My puppy does this too I like you but... I don't like you You never listen You never listen We're moving too quickly I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy in Bio has a girlfriend I'll be ready in a minute I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know you will. Oh, no, I will pay for myself I am just being nice; there is no way I am going dutch Oh Yes! Right there Well, near there; I just want to get this over with I'm just going out with the We are gonna get sloppy and make girls. fun of you and your friends There's no one else I am doing your brother Size doesn't count... unless I want an orgasm ___________________________________________________________________ What guys say... ...What they mean... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ It is just orange juice, 3 more shots, and she'll have her try it legs around my head. She's kind of cute I want to bang her till I am blue I don't know if I like her She won't blow me I need you My hand is tired I had her I had (wet dreams about) her all week. I really want to get to know you ...so I can tell my friends about it. better How do I compare with all your Is my penis really that small? Other boyfriends? You're the only girl I've ever You are the only girl who has not cared about rejected me I want you back ...for tonight anyway We've been through so much If it was not for you, I never together would have lost my virginity I miss you so much I am so horny that my roommate is starting to look good No, I do not want to dance Shoot! She'll know that I have a right now hard-on The break-up should not start I want to have sex a few more times for another 24 hours I am different from all the I am not circumcised other guys Bumper Sticker The other day I went to the local religious bookstore and bought a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at a light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't see notice that the light has changed. The bumper sticker really worked. I found lots of people who really love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out and yelled *Jesus Christ* as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting *Go, Jesus Christ, Go!* Everyone else started shouting too. I leaned out my window and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him something about a sunny beach and waving in a funny way. My kids said it was the Hawaiian Good Luck Sign, so I leaned out the window and gave it back. A couple of cars were so caught up in the joy, that they got out and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray---but just then the light changed, so I stepped on the gas. It was a good thing I did because I was the only driver that made it through the intersection. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks. First Time It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-- he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake you head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. Just Kidding Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life." Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?" The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead." Arson attacks toilets Recently, an arsonist has been targetting portable toilets in Vancouver, BC. Doc Harris, a local radio personality, remarked. "Arson investigators on the scene say they have nothing to go on." ----------------------------------------------------------------- Joke List 6 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Be Manly, and Good Day And now, another addition of How to be Manly... Today: Lesson 2039. Well, it's Friday night and once again, that can mean only one thing - a visit to your favorite drinking establishment to try and find a woman in search of manly gratification. Three hours after you have arrived, you are howling drunk and are still alone, when through the haze of the twelve drinks that you have consumed, you notice a young lady trying to make conversation with you. However something is amiss here, at first you thought that perhaps this young lady was wearing some sort of mask as a joke, but upon closer examination, you discover that she has simply one of the largest noses that you have seen on any human being. "Good Heavens!" you say to yourself. "I'll bet she never has to use her hands to open a door!" You decide you want to thwart her advances, but how can this be accomplished in a manly manner? Follow along in your Manly Manual, page 2673 and repeat after me: 1. "Jumpin' Jehosaphat! Are you a coke dealer's dream or what?" 2. "Would you mind standing on the roof? I'd like to see which way the wind is blowing." 3. "Say toots, is that your nose, or is your face doing a Johnny Wadd impression?" Use any of the above phrases in just such a situation, and as you suddenly appear to be her twin brother when a beer bottle is shoved up each of your nostrils, you can be rest assured that she will have no doubts as to what kind of man you really are. Until next time, this is Mr. Manly saying "Be Manly, and Good Day." -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* And now another addition of How to be Manly... Today: Lesson 4567. Hot diggedy and Shazam! It's Saturday afternoon and that can mean only one thing, it's time to go to your local airport for your weekly flying lesson. That's right. For the last three months, you've been taking flying lessons making you one of the absolute manliest of manly men on your block. You not only truly enjoy the craft of flying, but you also enjoy the manly friendship you have developed with Scott, your flight instructor. Yes indeed, you two have hours of fun telling airplane stories and exchanging jokes about the sex lives of farm animals. However as you arrive at your flight school, you are informed that Scott is ill today and you will be instructed by a substitute instructor. "Oh well," you say to yourself, "at least I still get to fly." So you bound out to your waiting airplane only to be frozen in your tracks when you discover that your flight instructor is no less than a tall, slender, brunnette flying goddess. Your chin is scraping along the runway as you approach her. You decide that this aviatress would appreciate a dose of your manliness, but how can this be accomplished in a manly manner? Follow along in your Manly Manual, page 4556 and repeat after me: 1. "Uh, oh! UH, OH! I think I feel my landing gear extending!" 2. "Say, yummy-britches. How about you sit on my lap and I'll fly through some turbulence?" 3. "Let's play Amelia Aerhart. You be Amelia and I'll watch you go *down*." Use any of the above phrases in just such a situation and two seconds later, when you find it very difficult to fly an airplane, after your hands have been shoved into a rotating propellor blade, you can rest assured that the young flight instuctor will have no doubts as to what kind of man you really are. Until next time, this is Mr. Manly saying "Be Manly and, Good Day!" -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* And now, another addition of How to be Manly... Today: Lesson 2864. Well, hot diggedy, it's Sunday afternoon. One of your favorite days of the week where you do nothing but sit around all day drinking copious amount of beer and passing wind as you watch your favorite sport on TV. However, this week, your wife has different ideas. She insists that you accompany her to the local colloseum to attend a (dare I say it) *dog* show. Normally this would be a most manly activity if this was a show featuring dogs retrieving innocent ducks that have been blown out of the sky or perhaps a cat chasing contest. But No! This show has such things as little tooty-fruity French poodles with little pink ribbons in their hair and small Pomeraneans that look like exploded fur-balls. Since you are married, you naturally have no say-so whatsoever as to whether you attend the show or not. So, once you have arrived, you need to show your displeasure. But how can this be accomplished in a manly manner? Follow along in your Manly Manual, page 2456 and repeat after me: 1. "Mmmm...Mmmmmm, honey. This place smells just like your home cookin'." 2. "Gee, too bad your mother didn't come with us, she could have taken first prize." 3. "Golly! I haven't seen this many bitches in one place since all of your sisters came to visit!" Use any of the above phrases in just a situation and for the next month as you notice that not only does her cooking smell like a dog show, it mysteriously tastes like one too. You can rest assured that your wife will have no doubts as to what kind of man you really are. Until next time, this is Mr. Manly saying "Be Manly, and Good Day!" -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* Answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask... There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in an issue of Sassy magazine. The five questions are: 1 - "What are you thinking?" 2 - "Do you love me?" 3 - "Do I look fat?" 4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?" 5 - "What would you do if I died?" What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answered properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example: 1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things: a - Football b - Baseball c - How fat you are. d - How much prettier she is than you. e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died. According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking." The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers: 2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include: a - I suppose so. b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes. c - That depends on what you mean by "love". d - Does it matter? e - Who, me? 3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include: a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either. b - Compared to what? c - A little extra weight looks good on you. d - I've seen fatter. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy. 4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include: a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way. b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things. c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality. d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy. 5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke: "Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?" "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?" "Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of course not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said. "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" "All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry." "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband. "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause. "Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband. "I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?" "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband. "Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?" "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do." "Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too." "Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed." The 9 Types of Girlfriends Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have" Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly Disadvantages: May wise up someday Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??" Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell Advantages: Pays attention to you Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite" Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy Advantages: Predictable Disadvantages: Contagious The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look." Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom Advantages: Often right Disadvantages: Often right, but so what? Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?" Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey Advantages: Easily soothed Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun." Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at" Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you Disadvantages: You will have no friends Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship" Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now" Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you Types of Boyfriends Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?" Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft- boiled Egg, Snugglepup Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV." Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover. Jerk Advantages: Stays put; predictable Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did." Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'." Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig Lazybones - "Zzzzzz" Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict Advantages: Well rested; easy target Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams The Sneak - "Who, me?" Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt Disadvantages: May be having time of his life Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?" Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster Advantages: Perpetually aroused Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--" Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool Advantages: Tells good stories Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus" Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?" Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE by matt groening RELATIONSHIPS: First of all, a man does not call a relationship -- he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doint it on a semi-regular basis". When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, and 99% if all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective. SEX: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women. HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note. COMEDY: Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out. BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane. SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit , then slip on Reebok sneakers. She wil carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. LOW BLOWS: Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain. DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals. WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party". SOCKS: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat socks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back. NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless. MENOPAUSE: When a woman reached menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche. DIRECTIONS: If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men wil never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store." ADMITTING MISTAKES: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer. RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women. MADONNA: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason. PLANTS: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens. CAMERAS: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures. LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie. GARAGES: Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages. MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. CONVERSATION: Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie.", "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size.", "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys", etc. Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on. FRIENDS: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time. Men on a boys' night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?" RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tots, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?" How To Translate Women's Language Womanspeak English --------------------------------------------------------------------------- * You want <= You want * We need <= I want * It's your decision <= The correct decision should be obvious by now * Do what you want <= You'll pay for this later * We need to talk <= I need to complain * Sure... go ahead <= I don't want you to. * I'm not upset <= Of course I'm upset,you moron. * You're ... so manly <= You need a shave and you sweat a lot. * You're certainly <= Is sex all you ever think about? attentive tonight. * I'm not emotional! <= I'm on my period. And I'm not overreacting! * Be romantic, turn <= I have flabby thighs. out the lights. * This kitchen is so <= I want a new house. inconvenient * I want new curtains <= and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... * I need wedding shoes <= the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white * Hang the picture there <= NO, I mean hang it there! * I heard a noise <= I noticed you were almost asleep. * Do you love me? <= I'm going to ask for something expensive. * How much do you love <= I did something today you're really not going to me? like. * I'll be ready in <= Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V. a minute. * Is my butt fat? <= Tell me I'm beautiful. * You have to learn <= Just agree with me. to communicate. * Are you listening <= [Too late, your dead.] to me!? * Yes <= No * No <= No * Maybe <= No * I'm sorry. <= You'll be sorry. * Do you like this <= It's easy to fix, recipe? so you'd better get used to it. * Was that the baby ? <= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep. * I'm not yelling! <= Yes, I am yelling, because I think this is important. * All we're going to <= It goes without saying that we're stopping buy is s soap dish at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD there's a sale in lingerie, and wouldn't these pink sheets look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook? ------------------------------------ /* in answer to "What's wrong?" */ --The same old thing. <= Nothing. --Nothing. <= Everything. --Everything. <= My PMS is acting up. --Nothing, really. <= It's just that you're such an asshole. --I don't want to <= Go away, I'm still building up steam. talk about it. Q. Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive? A. Because she was a woman. Q. Whats the difference between a dog howling on the front porch and a women sceaming on the back porch? A. The dog shuts up when you let it in. Q. How are women and rocks alike? A. You skip the flat ones. Q: Whats the difference between Like and Love? A: Spit and Swallow. Q: How can you tell a macho women? A: She rolls her own tampons. Q: Which of the following doesn't belong? (a) meat (b) eggs (c) wife (d) blowjob. A. (d) a blowjob because it's possible to beat your meat, your eggs, or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob. Q - Why did god create women? A - Sheep can't cook. Little Kids talk about love... CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE "One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." Andrew, age 6 "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell ... That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." Mae, age 9 "I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." Manuel, age 8 ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." John, age 9 "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." Glenn, age 7 ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." Anita C., age 8 "It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." Brian, age 7 "Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." Christine, age 9 REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE "Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." Greg, age 8 HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE? "Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much." Arnold, age 10 "All of a sudden, the people get movie fever so they can sit together in the dark." Sherm, age 8 CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." Gavin, age 8 "They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing." John, age 9 CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television." Jill, age 6 "Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime." Floyd, age 9 "Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place ... We were behind a tree." Carey, age 7 "Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." Dave, age 8 "I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." Regina, age 10 THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER "Sensitivity don't hurt." Robbie, age 8 "One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." Ava, age 8 SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." Del, age 6 "Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't worry if their parents are right there." Manuel, age 8 "Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." Alonzo, age 9 "One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." Bart, age 9 HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE? "Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." Bobby, age 9 "Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold ... Other people care more about the food." Bart, age 9 "Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up." Sarah, age 9 "See if the man has lipstick on his face." Sandra, age 7 "It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are --- on fire." Christine, age 9 TITLES OF THE LOVE BALLADS YOU CAN SING TO YOUR BELOVED "'How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your Nose?'" Arnold, age 10 "'You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.'" Larry, age 8 "'I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!'" Eddie, age 6 "'I Am in Love with You Most of the Time, but Don't Bother Me When I'm with My Friends.'" Bob, age 9 "'Hey, Baby, I Don't like Girls but I'm Willing to Forget You Are One!'" Will, age 7 WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU" "The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." Michelle, age 9 "Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat." Dick, age 7 HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED? "I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." Gina, age 8 HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS "You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls." Julia, age 7 "You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." Brian, age 7 "It might help to watch soap operas all day." Carin, age 9 WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "When they're rich." Pam, age 7 "It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you ... That's why I stopped doing it." Tammy, age 10 "If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission." Roger, age 6 HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." Dick, age 7 "Don't forget your wife's name ... That will mess up the love." Erin, age 8 "Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." Dave, age 8 "Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind ... Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch." Natalie, age 9 --------------------------------------------------------------- Joke List 7 --------------------------------------------------------------- The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can't see my license plate. Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do." Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car? A: Always wear a condom. Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car. Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster. Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully. Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute. Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color. Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics. Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons. Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer? A: It would be tough to be a dickhead all day long. The Suppository A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours. So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!" "What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?" "No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder." Fore! A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside.. She began to massage his crotch. She then asked him: "How does that feel?" To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!" SUBJECT: Reduction in Forces. 1. Once again, as a result of the reduced funding available in the FY97 and FY98 budgets, we are forced to significantly down-size our forces. 2. Under the guidelines we have received from HQ AFPC, those members over forty years of age will be asked to accept early retirement, thus permitting retention of younger, lower paid personnel who represent the future Air Force anyway. 3. Therefore, a program to phase out the older personnel by the end of FY97/98 via retirement will be placed into effect immediately. This Program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early). 4. Personnel who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to cross-train. Personnel being RAPED can request a review of their records prior to termination. This phase of the program will be called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). 5. All Personnel being RAPEd or SCREWed may file an appeal to higher headquarters, this phase will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Follow-ups Termination). Under the guidelines to the new policy, a member may only be RAPED once or SCREWED twice, but he she may be SHAFTED as many times as the Air Force deems appropriate. 6. Provided an employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be entitled to receive HERPES (Half-Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance), or CLAP (Combined Lump-Sum Assistance Payment), unless he or she already has AIDS (Additional Income from Dependent or Spouse). As HERPES or CLAP are considered benefit plans any member who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the Air Force. 7. The Air Force wishes to reassure the younger personnel remaining with the organization that they will continue to receive the best training possible through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT) program. The Air Force Takes great pride in the amount of SHIT that our personnel receive. We have given our personnel more SHIT than any other branch in the Department of Defense. If anyone feels that he or she has not received his or hers fair share of SHIT, please feel free to bring it to your supervisor's attention. He or she has been instructed to ensure that all personnel receive all the SHIT that they can handle. 8. Those personnel who have been RAPED, SCREWED, and SHAFTED, and previously accepted either HERPES or CLAP but now have AIDS aren't eligible for SHIT! TRULY STUPID SPORTS QUOTES "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle" - Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach "You guys line up alphabetically by height" - Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school." -Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton." -Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my #%@# clothes." - Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." -Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." -Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann New Barbie Dolls Divorced Barbie: Comes with all of Ken's accessories Teenage Single Parent Barbie: "Welfare check" from Mattel mailed each month Crack Addict Barbie: Pipe included, sugar may be used to simulate crack cocaine Boulevard Barbie: With cheap makeup, short skirt, and high heels Lesbian Barbie: Barbie with a butch Lipstick Lesbian Barbie: Actually no different in appearance from regular Barbie Bulimorexia Barbie: Also no different in appearance from regular Barbie Brunette Barbie: The only Barbie with a brain Quantum Physicist Barbie: yeah, right Bow-wow Barbie: The ugliest Barbie you've ever seen Punk Barbie: Has rings in all sorts of strange places Navy Pilot Barbie: Comes with a body bag, wrecked fighter jet sold separately Breast Implant Barbie: Now Barbie's a D-cup Cancer Patient Barbie: Remove the wig and Barbie's bald Black Barbie: Once your Ken doll goes black, he'll never go back Feminist Barbie: Has unshaved legs and armpits Battered Wife Barbie: Comes with a black eye and restraining order to serve to Ken Barbie Bobbitt: Comes equipped with knife, Ken had better watch out Bag Lady Barbie: Complete with shopping cart; wearing everything she owns. Sister Mary Barbie: This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and neck for genuflecting and praying, mini-rosary beads, a mini-bible, and a black sequined nun's habit (after all, she's still Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she says nothing because she's taken a vow of silence. Admin Barbie: Works twenty-hour days for little pay (80% of Admin Ken's salary) and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini-laptop. Pull the string on her back and she'll Schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-org and a move, and order airline tickets for Director Ken. Temp Barbie: This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she'll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini-resume, and mini-filing cabinet filled with the past five years' worth of US Tax Code revisions, which need to be collated. Can also suck off the New York Islanders. Twelve-Step Barbie: Pull the string on her back and she says, "Hi, I'm Barbie and I'm an alcoholic." Comes with a "One Day At A Time" bumper sticker, a 30-day chip, and a pack of smokes. Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials. Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken. Blue-Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet. Our Barbies Ourselves: Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and out, comes with spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying glass, and detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can learn about their bodies in a friendly, non-threatening way. Also included: tiny Kotex, booklets on sexual responsibility. Accessories such as contraceptives, sex toys, expanding uterus with fetus at various stages of development, and breastpump are all optional, underscoring that each young woman has the right to chose what she does with her own Barbie. Homegirl Barbie: Truly fly Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and she says things like "I don't think so," "Dang, get outta my face," and "You go, girl." Teaches girls not to take shit from men and condescending White people. Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe. Baywatch Barbie: The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch" have joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise. After all, both companies have made millions off airheads with flawless skins, Malibu tans and synthetic breasts. Versatility of the word "Fuck" Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language is the word "FUCK". It is the one magical word, which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "FUCK" falls into many grammatical catagories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and in transitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an active verb (John really gives a fuck) or passive verb ( Mary really doesn't give a fuck) ; or an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), and as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful): as you can see, there are very few words with versitility of "FUCK" . Besides its sexual connotations this incredible word can be used to describe many situations: Greetings----------------------How the fuck are you? Fraud--------------------------I got fucked by the car dealer. Dismay-------------------------Oh, fuck it! Trouble------------------------Well, I guess I'm fucked now. Aggression---------------------Fuck You! Disgust------------------------Fuck Me! Confusion----------------------What the fuck-------? Difficulty----I don't understand this fucking business. Dispair------------------------Fucked again. Incompetence-------------------He fucks up everthing. Displeasure--------------------What the fuck is going on here? Lost---------------------------Where the fuck are we? Disbelief----------------------Unfuckingbelievable! Retaliation--------------------Up your fucking ass! It can be used to tell time--It's five fucking thirty! It can be used in an anatomical description--He's a fucking asshole! It can be used in bussiness--How the fuck did I wind up with this job? It can be maternal-- as in "Motherfucker" It can be politcal-- "Fuck Clinton" And never forget General Custer's last words : "Where did all them fucking indians come from?" Also,the famous last words of the mayor of Hiroshima "What the fuck was that?" And, last, but not least, the imortal words of the captain of the Titanic, who said, "Where is all this fucking water coming from?" The mind fairly boggles at the many creative uses of the word. How can anyone be offended when you say "FUCK"? Use it frequently in your speech and it will add to your fame and prestige. Today, say FUCK YOU to someone and brighten their day. The Lottery Ticket One sunny afternon, grandpa and grandson were fishing. Grandpa had pulled out some chewing tobacco and bit off a plug. Grandson: Grandpa, can I have some chewing tobacco? Grandpa: Well grandson, does your dick reach your asshole? Grandson: No. Grandpa: Well grandson, your not a man. You can't have any chewing tobacco. A few minutes past and grandpa lit up a cigarette. Grandson: Grandpa, can I have a cigarette? Grandpa: Well grandson, does your dick reach your asshole? Grandson: No. Grandpa: Well grandson, your not a man. You can't have a cigarette. Shortly there after, grandpa opened a can of beer. Grandson: Grandpa, can I have a drink of beer? Grandpa: Well grandson, does your dick reach your asshole? Grandson: No. Grandpa: Well grandson, your not a man. You can't have a drink of beer. Some time had past and no fish were being caught, so the grandpa and grandson had decided to go home. After leaving the fishing spot, grandpa had noticed that they were running low on gas and stopped at a gas station. He gave his grandson a 20 dollar bill and told him to pay for the gas, and if there was any change that he could buy whatever he wanted. So the grandson went in and paid for the gas and with the change he bought a soda pop and two lottery tickets. The grandson got into the car with grandpa and they started home. Grandpa: Well grandson what did you buy? Grandson: I bought a soda pop and, OH, two lottery tickets. The grandson scratched the first lottery ticket which was not a winner. To his surprise, the second lottery ticket awarded him 1 million dollars. Grandson: Look grandpa, look. I won a million dollars! Grandpa: Let me look at that ticket grandson. (He looks at the ticket) Well grandson, you sure did. Are you going to give grandpa any money? Grandson: Well grandpa, does your dick reach your asshole? Grandpa: Yes it sure does. I am a MAN! Grandson: Well grandpa, then GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!! Chauvinistic Jokes (My favorite) Q - Why did the woman cross the road? A - The man told her to. Q - Why did she come back? A - The man snapped his fingers. Q - What was the strange thing about all of this? A - She should never have been out of the kitchen. Q - Why Did God create Adam first? A - So he'd have a chance to talk before Eve came along. Q - Why do women fake orgasms? A - Because they think men give a shit Q - How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb??? A - None, make the woman do it! Q. What is the definition of "making love"? A. Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her. Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint? A. It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy. Q. What happened to the Polish rocket ship? A. At 500 feet it ran out of coal. Q. What's the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman's mouth? A. Einstein's cock. Q. What does a Polish woman do after she sucks cock? A. Spits out the feathers. Dilbert's Laws Of Work If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous." Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. Following the rules will not get the job done. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" No matter how much you do, you never do enough. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong. New Vocabulary CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will "remove" all the germs. ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror. EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean, follow suit. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest at a movie theater. ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the "illegal" side. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away. Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books Chocolate Chip Cookies: Ingredients: 1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten 2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3 3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite 4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride 5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11 6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11 7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde 8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein 9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao 10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10) To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium. Five Reasons Computers Must Be Female 5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference. 3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you." 1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. Labor Pains Once there was a husband and wife and the wife was pregnant . Well she went into labor and when the couple got to the hospital a nurse there told them of a very special program that could give the father some of the pain . Well the husband being the nice guy he was agreed to take some of his wife's pain! Well first they gave him 10% and he didn't feel anything so they gave him 20 then 30 then 40 then 50 then 60 then 70 then 80 then 90 percent of the pain and he still didn't feel a thing so he told the nurse "Hey just give me all the pain." So she did. The baby was born. The wife hadn't felt any pain and neither had the husband so they were happy . When they got home the milkman was dead on the doorstep!!!!!! The Genie A man and his wife were playing golf. The man tees off and his ball veers off to the right, right into the window of a house. The wife says you must go and apologize and pay for the window. Both the man and his wife walk up to the house, ring the door but no one answers. He opens the door and inside, next to the window he sees a broken vase with his golf ball laying on the floor. Suddenly a man comes out of a nearby room, the golfer starts to apologize for breaking his window and the vase. The man inside the house says, no don't apologize, I am a genie and have been in that vase for 10,000 years, you have rescued me and I owe you deeply. For helping me I will grant three wishes. I will give you one, your lovely wife one and I would like to keep one for myself. He asks the man what he wishes for, he studied awhile and said; I wish for a million dollars. The genie waves his hand and said, A million dollars, its yours, it has been deposited into your bank account. He asks the wife what is her wish. Shes says; I wish for a condominium in Hawaii, the genie waves his hand and said, A condominium in Hawaii, its yours. The genie says, now it is my turn: He thinks awhile and said, you know its been 10,000 years since I have had a woman, could I make love to your wife? The man thinks for a while and said, honey, he gave us a million dollars and a condominium in Hawaii, the least you could do is make love to him. She agrees and they both go to the back bedroom. After making passionate love, the woman says, I can't believe that my husband let you do this to me. The genie says: and I can't believe that your husband still believes in genies. Love Therapy "Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?" The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her." "Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help." Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home. "Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone. Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him? He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there. A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy". A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?" "Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer. "Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently. "Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago." ---------------------------------------------------------------- Joke List 8 ---------------------------------------------------------------- The Gold Miner A miner comes into a new town after being in the field for a month. He's carrying a sack of gold..The first thing he does is head to the local saloon. As he approaches the bar he flips the sack of gold on the bar and says 'Hey barkeep give everybody in the place a drink, I'm going upstairs to take a shower. Send up a steak dinner and the prettiest girl in town. Take out a few bucks for your troubles' The bartender hollers out 'Sorry mac there aren't any women in town. All we got is a Chinaman' The gold miner without missing a step up the stairs, answers, ' Never mind I don't go for that shit' The next day the miner is off to the fields and doesn't return for 6 weeks. When he returns he has a sack of gold about twice the size as the original one. Again he heads for the saloon and states 'Hey barkeep give everybody whatever they want to drink & eat for the rest of the night. I'm going up to my room & take a shower. Send up some food and a couple of the best women in town. Take out some gold for your troubles' The bartender again bellows out 'Sorry mate we still have no women in town. The stagecoach that was bring them in had problems. All we got is that Chinaman' This time the miner stops about halfway up the stairs, pauses a few seconds & says 'Never mind I don't go for that shit' The next morning the miner is once again headed to the gold fields. This time he's gone for another month & when he returns he has 2 sacks of gold both larger than the previous one. First stop has him back at the saloon He enters throws one of the bags on the bar & says 'Hey barkeep drinks are on me till that bag is gone,keep some for yourself. I'm going upstairs to take a shower. Send me up the best steak in the house and two of the prettiest women in town' Again the bartender says ' Sorry mac the women never did get here. The only thing we got is the Chinaman' This time the miner spends at least a minute on the stairs and finally says 'OK send the Chinaman up' The bartender replies' That will be $600.00 in advance' The miner turns around in disbelief and says ' WHAT $600.00 for a Chinaman?' The bartender replies' No Sir The $600.00 is for the three guys that are going to hold the Chinaman down. He don't go for that shit either. Best Detective Search The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a fucking rabbit! The Toothbrush Burglar A nice, conservative family of four once went on holiday to Paris. They checked into a hotel and went sightseeing. Upon returning to their hotel room they found it had been broken into, though very few of their possessions were taken or even out of place. Two things struck them as odd, though - their toothbrushes were strewn around the sink and their camera had been moved. After filing the necessary reports with the local authorities, they went on and finished their holiday. They didn't think any more of it until they had their holiday pictures devceloped. Several of the photos showed the burgular with his pants down and their toothbrushes stuck up his ass. Tennis Elbow One day, Ken complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that!!! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00." Ken figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing.After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks. Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.He decided to give it a try.He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter.To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins. Your daughter's using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife's pregnant - twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, You're never going to fix that tennis elbow. The 50 Inch Penis A man with a 50 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. "They all tell me that my penis is too long." "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there any way you can shorten it?" The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch. The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 50 inches long and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?" The witch asked him to "Pull it out and let me look at it." The man uncoils his 50 inch penis. The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. First you must ask the frog to marry you. Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be ten inches shorter." The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He came upon the pond and sure enough, there sat this frog on a log. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO". The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 10 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "This is great!!" But it's still too long at 40 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again. "Frog, will you marry me?," the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 10 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 30 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Thirty inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. So, I'll ask the frog to marry me one more time. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?" The frog looked back across pond shaking its head, "NO..........NO..........and for the last time..........NO! Sentenced To Death Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn burn your penis off!", said the sheik. Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living". And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!" Capital Punishment A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying. The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!" The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?" The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!" The Christian Bear It seems a pastor from Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains. As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear collided. The pastor stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain-with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the pastor crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle flying in one direction and breaking both his legs. As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out in desperation, "Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me! Lord, please make that bear a Christian." Suddenly the bear skidded to a halt at the pastor's feet, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and said, "God, bless this food which I am about to eat." New Darwin Award Winner Police in George, WA issued a report on the events leading up to the deaths of Robert Uhlenake (24) and his friend, Ormond D. Young (27) at the Metallica concert last Friday. Uhlenake and Young were found dead at the Gorge Amphitheater after the show. Uhlenake was in pickup that was on top of Young at the bottom of a 20 ft drop. Young was found with severe lacerations, numerous fractures, contusions, and a branch in his anal cavity. He also had been stabbed and his pants were in a tree above him, some 15 ft off the ground; adding to the mystery of the heretofore unexplained scene. According to Commissioner-In-Charge Inoye Appleton, Uhlenake and Young had tried to get tickets for the sold-out concert. When they were unable to get any tickets, the two decided to stay in the lot and drink. Once the show began, and after the two had consumed 18 beers between the two of them, they hit upon the idea of scaling the 7 foot wooden security fence around the perimeter of the site and sneak in. They apparently moved the truck up to the edge of the fence and decided that Young would go over first and assist Uhlenake later. They had not counted on the fact that while it was a 7 foot fence on the parking lot side, there was a 23 foot drop on the other side. Young, who weighed 255 lbs and was quite inebriated, had jumped up and over the fence and promptly fell about half the 23 foot distance before a large tree branch broke his fall AND his left forearm; unfortunately, he also managed to get his shorts caught on the branch. Since he was now in a lot of pain and with no way to extricate himself and his shorts from the tree, he decided, seeing bushes down below, to cut his shorts off and fall to the ground. Upon cutting the last bit of fabric from himself, he suddenly plummeted to earth, losing grip of the knife. The "soft" bushes were actually holly bushes and landing in them caused a massive number of cuts. He also had the misfortune of landing squarely on a holly bush branch; effectively impaling himself. The knife, which he had accidentally released 15 ft up, now landed and stabbed him in his left thigh. Apparently, he was in a lot of pain. Enter his friend Robert. Uhlenake had apparently observed the last bit of this and, despite his inebriated state, realized that Young was in trouble. He hit upon the idea of lowering a rope to his friend and pull him up and over the fence. This was complicated by the fact that Uhlenake was outweighed by his friend by a good 100 lbs. Again, despite his state he realized he could use their truck to pull Young out. Unfortunately, because of his state, Uhlenake put the truck in reverse, rather than drive, broke through the fence, landed on Young (killing him), was thrown out of the truck and subsequently died of internal injuries. "So that's how a dead 255 lb man with no pants on, with a truck on top of him and a stick up his ass came to be" said Commissioner Appleton. But WAIT, there's more... Derrick L. Richardson, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Ken E. Richardson. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol to Ken's head instead of a revolver. (For the gun-unschooled: There is much less mystery to the game if played with a semiautomatic, in which the one bullet automatically goes to the firing chamber.) Who's this worse for? A black guy and a gorilla go into a bar together. He says to the bartender, "I'd like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here." The bartender says, "Oh come on, pal, we don't serve no gorillas in here." So the guy figures he'll fix them, he takes the gorilla home, shaves off all her hair, gives her a nice wig, lipstick, red dress, etc. He takes her back to the bar and says, "I'd like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here." The bartender gives them the drinks and they go off and sit down and chat. The bartender turns to his buddy at the bar and says, "You know, that drives me crazy, it seems like every time a good looking Italian girl comes in here, she's with a black guy." Top 10 Signs You Drank Too Much This Weekend 10. You spent Sunday night in jail for cow tipping--with your Oldsmobile. 9. Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles. 8. Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday. 7. Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli. 6. For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball hoop. 5. Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes. 4. Answering machine full of warnings from Ted Kennedy. 3. Absolute wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle. 2. Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions. 1. You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge. Mars Denies UFO Crash Subject: ASTRO - Mars Air Force Denies Stories of UFO Crash AIR FORCE DENIES STORIES OF UFO CRASH Valles Marineris (MPI) - A spokesthing for Mars Air Force denounced as false rumors that an alien space craft crashed in the desert, outside of Ares Vallis on Friday. Appearing at a press conference today, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser, stated that "the object was, in fact, a harmless high-altitude weather balloon, not an alien spacecraft". The story broke late Friday night when a major stationed at nearby Ares Vallis Air Force Base contacted the Valles Marineris Daily Record with a story about a strange, balloon-shaped object which allegedly came down in the nearby desert, "bouncing" several times before coming to a stop, "deflating in a sudden explosion of alien gases". Minutes later, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser contacted the Daily Record telepathically to contradict the earlier report. General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that hysterical stories of a detachable vehicle roaming across the Martian desert were blatant fiction, provoked by incidences involving swamp gas. But the general public has been slow to accept the Air Force's explanation of recent events, preferring to speculate on the "other-worldly" nature of the crash debris. Conspiracy theorists have condemned Rgrmrmy's statements as evidence of "an obvious government cover-up", pointing out that Mars has no swamps. Top Ten Mike Tyson Jokes: 10. Tyson already has his next fight lined up, with Lorena Bobbitt. Winner eats all. 9. This gives new meaning to "box lunch". 8. Reporter: "Evander, what did you think when Tyson bit off your ear?" Holyfield: "What?" 7. Spock-vs.-Tyson bout hastily canceled. 6. What did Mike Tyson say to Van Gogh? "You gonna eat that?" 5. Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson computer? It has two bytes and no memory. 4. Next bout: Tyson vs. Hannibal Lecter, with Julia Child to referee. To be held in Hungary. Billed as, "The snackfest in Budapest." 3. How does Mike Tyson differ from Metallica? Metallica leaves a ringing in your ears. Tyson leaves your ear in a ring. 2. Slogans for Tyson-Holyfield III: The Third Gogh Around The Last Supper Ear-Reconcilable Differences Grazing Bull Blood, Sweat and Ears No Lobe Lost 1. When interviewed after the fight, Tyson's first remarks were: "It tasted like chicken." This is an excerpt from a 1950's textbook...not to say that some of the principles can't be applied today... The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life. 1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are oncerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed. 2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work- weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift. 3. Clear away the clutter: Make one last trip through the main part of thehouse just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too. 4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. 5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him. 6. Some Dont's: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. 7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind. 8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. 9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead, try to understand hisworld of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax. 10. The goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax. She/He Definitions Wants & needs (wontz and nedz) n. female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship. male: Food, sex and beer. Thingy (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood. male: The strapfastener on a woman's bra. Lesbian (lez-bi-an) n. female: A woman who makes love to other women. male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch and get really turned on. Glass ceiling (glas see-ling) n. female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business. male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up. Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. male: Playing ball without a cup. Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys. Butt (but) n. female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger." male: The organ of mooning (and farting). Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n. female: A desire to get married and raise a family. male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend. Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. female: A good movie, concert, play or book. male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges. Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n. female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion. male: An endless source of enterainment, self-expression and male bonding. Making love (may-king luv) n. female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink. Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 1/2 minutes. Taste (tayst) v. female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good. male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out. Showing Your Respect A golfer and his buddies where playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200. As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt. One of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration, to pay your respects." "Well, we were married for 25 years." How To Satisfy Each Sex HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME Lick, paw, ogle, caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, dig, floralize, feed, laminate, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, bark, purr, hug, baste, marinate, coddle, excite, pacify, tattoo, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave,return,beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, tunnel, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl,shower, shave, ululate, trust, dip, twirl, dive, grovel, ignore, defend, milk, coax, clothe, straddle, melt, brag, acquiesce, aromate, prevail,supercollide, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, reddi-whip, embrace, delouse, accept,butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, mosh, locomote, beg, plead, borrow,steal, climb, swim, hold her hair while she's puking in the toilet, nurse, resuscitate, repair,patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay,kill for,die for,do a nickel in Attica for, dream of, promise, exceed, deliver, tease, flirt, enlist, torch, pine, wheedle, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, hezbollah, jihad, elevate,enervate,alleviate, spotweld,serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble,gratify, take her to Funkytown,scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather,tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze,flabbergast,enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back and do it again. HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME Blow job. Cunnan vs Versace Q. What was the name of Gianni Versace last shoe design? A. 12 Gage pumps. Q. How do you know when you`re wearing a Gianni Versace shirt? A. It has six holes but only four buttons! Q. How can you tell Andrew Cunanan is only half the man that Gianni Versace was? A. It took 2 bullets to kill Versace. Q. Why is James Cunanan going to be buried face down? A. So his former buddies can stop by for a "cold one" at the wake. Q. What's the difference between Cunanan of last week and this week? A. Last week, he was in one piece and in a thousand places, this week he was at one place in a thousand pieces. Q. What's the difference between Cunanan and K-mart shoppers? A. K-mart shoppers think Italian designer outfits suck, Cunanan likes to suck Italian designers. Q. Why did Cunanan shoot himself? A. He mistook the pistol for a dildo. Q. Why did it take so long for Cunanan to kill himself? A. Everytime he put the gun barrel in his mouth, his head would bob up and down. Q. What finally killed him? A. The gun came and he swallowed. Worst Cartoon Characters #10- Tweety Bird- You know there's a problem when every single kid roots for the "hero" to be devoured in each episode. No sense of humor. No personality. Annoying voice. Plus he was always tattling. I knew kids like this growing up. Most of them ate paste, sat in the front of the bus, and got me in trouble. #9- Grape Ape- A real moron. All he knows how to say is his name. And he does so non-stop for a half an hour. I'd rather watch "Davey and Goliath covet their neighbors model airplane." #8- Olive Oyl- Am I the only one out there who thought this was one lady NOT worth fighting over? And that's what they did every episode! She talks like Edith Bunker and looks like a pipe cleaner with a cheap hat. Hey, Popeye, you're a sailor... you can do better! Plus Olive can never decide if she wants to date that jerk Bluto or not. The girl is just bad news. #7- Petunia Pig- Remember her? Porky's girlfriend? She was a real zero. What was the point of her anyway? To make Porky look good? Come on, who did they think they're fooling. We all know Porky is gay. #6- Pebbles & Bam-Bam, as teenagers- What were they thinking? Were they trying to cash in on the "Joanie loves Chachi" thing? And how come every cartoon teenager plays in crumby rock band? An awful -and thankfully shortlived- idea. #5- Pepe LePew- Hello, Warner Brothers, ever heard of sexual harassment? Let's take a good look at this character; a horny, rapist skunk who's attracted to other species! NOT good for the kids. Plus, worse still, he's French. #4- Alan, from Josie and the Pussy Cats- How weak was this "Fred" clone? They even gave him an ascot, for crying out loud. Well, I knew Fred. I grew up with Fred. Fred was like a friend of mine. Let me tell you something...you're no Fred. #3- Zan and Zana, the Wondertwins- How many times do we have to say it? Leave the crimefighting to the professionals! "Form of... an idiot!" They should have been voted out of the Hall of Justice a long time ago. There's no room for dead weight in this game. #2- Kazoo, from the Flintstones- It's like "Hmmm, a miniature, green spaceman who appears only to Fred Flintstone isn't enough of a stretch. I know! Let's give him a snotty London accent!" Um, could I get a drug test from Hanna Barbara, please? #1- Scrappy Doo- And, really, who else COULD it be? This guy ruined Scooby Doo! Just came in and ruined it! Scrappy is the Yoko Ono of Saturday morning cartoons. I can't even talk about it anymore. It's too upsetting. Republican PBS 8:00 am Morning Stretch: Arnold Schwarzenegger does squats while reciting passages of "Atlas Shrugged." 9:00 am Mr. Rogers' Segregated Neighborhood: King Friday sings "Elitism is neat." The House Un-American Activities investigation of Mr. McFeely continues. Mr. Rogers explains why certain kids can't be his neighbor. 10:00 am Sesame Street: Jerry Falwell teaches Big Bird to be more judgmental. Oscar the Grouch plays substitute for Rush Limbaugh. Bert and Ernie are kicked out of the military. Jesse Helms bleaches all the Muppets white. 11:00 am Square One: A MathNet episode "Ernest Does Trickle-Down." Jim Varney explains how cutting taxes for the rich and spending more on defense will balance the budget. Noon Washington Week in Review: Special guest Senator Bob Dole, explaining why the current pension crisis, budget deficit, bank closings, farm foreclosures, S & L bailouts, inflation, recession, job loss, and trade deficit can all be blamed on someone else. 1:00 pm Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? Guest detective Pat Buchanan helps kids build a wall around the U.S. 2:00 pm William F. Buckley's Firing Line: Guests George Will, Rush Limbaugh, John Sununu, Pat Buchanan, James Kilpatrick, Mona Charen, G. Gordon Liddy, Robert Novak, Bay Buchanan, Pat Robertson, Joseph Sobran, Paul Harvey, Phyllis Schafly, Maureen Reagan, and John McLaughlin bemoan the need for more conservative media voices. 3:00 pm Nature: Join James Watt and Charlton Heston as they use machine guns to bag endangered species. 4:00 pm NOVA: "Creationism: Discredited, but what the hell?" 5:00 pm Newt Gingrich News Hour: Clarence Thomas and Bob Packwood present in-depth personal reports on sexual harassment. Pat Buchanan says he is being shut out from national exposure. 6:00 pm Mystery Theater: Hercule Poirot, Jane Marple, and Sherlock Holmes team up to investigate Whitewater. 7:00 pm Great Performances: Pat Buchanan is a guest conductor of Wagner's "Prelude to a Cultural War." 8:00 pm Masterpiece Theater: Ibsen's "A Doll's House." Phyllis Schafly adds to this classic with an added scene where Nora gladly gives up her independence while her husband chains her to the stove. 9:30 pm Washington Week in Review: Guests George Will, Rush Limbaugh, John Sununu, Pat Buchanan, James Kilpatrick, Mona Charen, G. Gordon Liddy, Robert Novak, Bay Buchanan, Pat Robertson, Joseph Sobran, Paul Harvey, Phyllis Schafly, Maureen Reagan, and John McLaughlin discuss liberal media bias. 10:00 pm Adam Smith's Money World: How to Profit from Ozone Depletion 10:30 pm Nightly Business Report: Wall Street celebrates the end of all laws regarding antitrust, consumer protection, work-place safety, environmental protection, minimum wage and child labor. 11:00 pm Insights of Dan Quayle 11:01 pm Sign-Off ----------------------------------------------------------------- Joke List 9 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Men's Behavior Explained 1. Why are men such jerks? It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood. 2. Why do men always have to ogle at other women? Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can. 3. Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public? We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus. 4. Why do men always say such stupid things? We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words. 5. Why are men so uncommunicative? You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner. 6. Why do men have to act like such retards? Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays. 7. Why can't men just share their feelings? Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel. 8. Why can't men cuddle more (i.e., lie down and hug)? Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters...Need go roam...Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story. 9. How can men sit on their asses all day without moving? Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etcetera. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability. 10. Why can't men just say "I love you?" Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults. 11. Why do men say "I love you" when they hardly know me? Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well. 12. What does it mean when men say "I Love You?" 1. Please sleep with me. 2. I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did. 3. I forgot to get you a gift; this will have to do. 4. Huh? I'm sorry; I wasn't listening. 5. What did I forget? This should buy me a little time. 6. Stop nagging me. 7. What do I have to do to get a beer around here? 13. Why doesn't my partner ever answer me? We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things. 14. Why won't men ever pick up after themselves? Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up. 15. What's with all the belching and farting? This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps. 16. Why do men hate shopping? It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? err... Buying? 17. Why can't men ever leave the toilet seat down? Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet seat is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet seat is a function of the time spent peeing over the time spent sitting. The closer that ratio approaches one, the truer the proposition. Besides, it's actually a courtesy that we lift the seat. Why would we care if we pee all over the seat. You're the ones that have to sit on it. You should appreciate the fact that we actually lift the darn thing. We aim to please. 18. Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive? Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun and doing exciting things. They don't walk around with the weight of the world on their shoulders. They don't ever give us a hard time for being a dumb male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the ones they don't get). What more could any of us males ask for? 19. Why do men act like they own the remote control? What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine tenths of the law. Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just anyone. I believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote control is to arm wrestle for it. 20. Why can't men stay on a single channel for more than two seconds? Are you kidding? What if there is something good on the next channel? We could miss it if we stay on one channel for too long. (See also: Why do men fear commitment?) 21. Why do men fear commitment? Don't be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what 'commitment' means and can spell it correctly. It's like an automobile. No matter how good you think this year's model is, they're always coming out with newer, faster, better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply cannot be expected to purchase the first one we see. We must browse around a bit and test drive a few. Who wants to end up with a lemon? At least with a car, there's a slight chance of it eventually becoming a classic. It simply makes much more sense to lease and upgrade to the younger...err... I mean newer models every couple of years. Some of them come with fun extras like dual air bags. 22. What does it mean when men say, "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now" or "I don't want a girlfriend?" It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough so that we want to see you repeatedly. 23. What does it mean when men say, "Can we just be friends?" Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is physically repulsive enough that no beer goggles may be thick enough to provide adequate protection. 24. Do all men really masturbate? Yes. It is genetically inherited behavior. It's been passed on from our most primal forefathers, and it'll be passed on to our sons. 25. Why do men generally have greater upper body strength? Several factors are at work, namely evolution, heredity, nutrition, and environment. (See also: Do all men really masturbate?) 26. Why do men generally have better hand-eye or spatial coordinate motor coordination? It is like with all things. Practice... Practice... Practice... (See also: Do all men really masturbate?) 27. Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women? As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed with ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men are so obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some people are always going to be left out. I don't see anyone screaming about equal treatment for the stupid people either. 28. Why do men like younger women? Well, let's see. Besides the fact that they like older men, they're easily impressed. They're also perky, energetic, and come with very little baggage. And gravity has less prevail over their bodies. 29. Why do men only have one thing on their minds? While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We may only be able to entertain one idea at a time, but we do think of lots of other things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also get hungry quite often. 30. How can men possibly find that other woman attractive (i.e., "Whatever do you see in that fat pig?")? Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get the idea that you are ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and you lose a few attractiveness points. I'm a bit puzzled by this one myself. I think evolution is to blame. We men are just innocent bystanders in the war of the selfish genes. You should love us despite our inherent weakness. 31. Why are men such dogs? I resent that. Dogs are faithful... loyal... affectionate... and obedient... Random Offenses Q. What do you do if your dishwasher stops working? A. Slap her! Q. How do you fix a woman's watch? A. You don't...there's a clock on the oven! Q: what do you call two lesbians in a canoe A: fur traders Q. Have you heard about the new Yugo anti-theft device? A. They made the logo bigger. I went to the auto parts store and asked, "do you have a gas cap for a Yugo?" He thought for a second and then said, "sounds like a fair trade". Q. Why are men like the Internet? A. Both of them promise more than they can deliver. Q: How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital ward? A: He's the one blowing the foam off of his bed pan. Apples = Red Bananas = Yellow Grapes = Purple Dates = Brown Pears = Green Orange = Orange Whats blue? A fruit who just found out he has AIDS. A guy gets into an elevator and there's a woman already on it. They go up a few floors and the guy says " Pardon me miss, can I smell your pussy?" She slaps him and says "Certainly not" He says "I'm sorry, I guess it must be your feet then". Q. What do you do if a poodle humps your leg? A. Shake it off. Q. What do you do if a Rotweiler humps your leg? A. Fake an orgasm. Q. Why do most Chinese drivers have flat faces???? A. Airbags Q. What was Oksana Bayuls blood alcohol level when she ran her car off the road. A. 1.6 1.6 1.7 1.5 1.5 1.6 1.7 1.8 Q. What's better than winning a gold medal at the Paraplegic Olympics? A. Having arms and legs. Q. When do you ask for a girl's hand? A. When her lips are too tired. Q. Here about the fag who worked at the sperm bank? A.. He was fired for witholding deposits and drinking on the job Q. You are in a room with a mass murderer, a terrorist and a lawyer. You have a gun with only two bullets. What do you do? A. Shoot the lawyer twice. Q. Why is women's car insurance less then mens? A. Becasue they don't ask for blowjobs while they drive! Q. What do women and dogshit both have in common? A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up. Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father. One boy said, "My father is better than your father." The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother." The first boy paused, "I guess you're right. My father says the same thing." Q. How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum? A. Three - one to eat the possum and two to watch for cars If a man speaks in a forest, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? Q. Why does Stevie's head sway from side to side when he sings? A. He's trying to find the microphone. Q. Why does Stevie wonder always smile A. Because he doesn't know hes' black. Q. What do you call a leper in a hot tub? A. Chowder Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob? A: You know she'll swallow. Q: How does every ethnic joke start? A: By looking over your shoulder. Q: How can you tell if you're in a gay church? A: Only half the congregation is kneeling. Q. What's the best thing about a blowjob? A. Ten minutes of silence. Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind. Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off? A: The difference between spitting, swallowing and gargling. President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" exclaims the President. "Its this Abortion Bill Mr. President, what do you want to do about it?" the aide replies. "Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President. Q: What's white and 10 inches long? A. Nothing Q: Who enjoys sex more, men or women? A: Women. Here's the proof....... You know how when your ear itches, you put your finger in, twist it, wiggle it, and then take it out? Well, which feels better, your finger or your ear? Q. What's funnier than a dead baby? A. A dead baby in a clown suit. Q: What are the similarities between a tornado and a woman? A: They both twist and turn when they come, and take the house when they leave!!! This blonde wakes up under a cows udder and says,"You four guys still here"! Windows95: n. 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition. AMUSING IRRELEVANT FACTS 1. In Kentucky, 50 percent of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers. 2. Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during W.W.I. 3. Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded. 4. In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles. 5. About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it. 6. You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day than in any other weather. 7. An average person laughs about 15 times a day. 8. Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas. 9. Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air. 10. The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night. 11. A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h. 12. The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500's. 13. The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C. 14. A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee. 15. The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is. 16. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants. 17. The average bank teller loses about $250 every year. 18. In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan. 19. Every person has a unique tongue print. 20. Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does. 21. Women's hearts beat faster than men's. 22. Pollsters say that 40 percent of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets. 23. Bubble gum contains rubber. 24. You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog. 25. Only 55 percent of all Americans know that the sun is a star. 26. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jello. 27. Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks. 28. Most American car horns honk in the key of F. 29. The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people. 30. Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head. 31. In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills. 32. A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana. 33. About 70 percent of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money. 34. It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas. 35. Some toothpaste's contain antifreeze. 36. Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns. 37. Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as President Bush in 1991. And, rightfully so. 38. Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the Western Pacific. 39. There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones. 40. Most lipstick contains fish scales. 41. Lee Harvey Oswald's cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992. 42. Mosquitoes have teeth. 43. Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray. 44. Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego. 45. The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley. 46. When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food. 47. Most cows give more milk when they listen to music. 48. 27 percent of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential hell." 49. In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die. 50. Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant "plenty of excrement." 51. Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark. (Hence, the light bulb?) 52. "Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo. More Useless Facts Stewardesses and reverberated are the two longest words (12 letters each) that can be typed using only the left hand. The longest word that can be typed using only the right hand is lollipop. Skepticism is the longest word that alternates hands. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. (I don't believe this one) In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not re-number the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1. A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle, a group of geese in the air is a skein. The underside of a horse's hoof is called a frog. The frog peels off several times a year with new growth. The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards. The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed." The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable. Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic." The shape of plant collenchyma cells and the shape of the bubbles in beer foam are the same - they are orthotetrachidecahedrons. The word 'pound' is abbreviated 'lb.' after the constellation 'libra' because it means 'pound' in Latin, and also 'scales'. The abbreviation for the British Pound Sterling comes from the same source: it is an 'L' for Libra/Lb. with a stroke through it to indicate abbreviation. Same goes for the Italian lira which uses the same abbreviation ('lira' coming from 'libra'). So British currency (before it went metric) was always quoted as "pounds/shillings/pence", abbreviated "L/s/d" (libra/solidus/denarius). Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten. The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead". Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head." Camel's milk does not curdle. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere. An animal epidemic is called an epizootic. Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants. The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used. Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan. All porcupines float in water. Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio. Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ? The world's largest wine cask is in Heidelberg, Germany. Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was host of "Lorne Greene's Wild Kingdom." Cat's urine glows under a blacklight. If you bring a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to receive $.10 from the town. St. Stephen is the patron saint of bricklayers. The first song played on Armed Forces Radio during operation Desert Shield was "Rock the Casba" by the Clash. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases. Non-dairy creamer is flammable. The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.) Texas is also the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as the U.S. flag. The only nation who's name begins with an "A", but doesn't end in an "A" is Afghanastan. The names of the three wise monkeys are: Mizaru: See no evil, Mikazaru: Hear no evil, and Mazaru: Speak no evil. When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, and Diamonds - Julius Caesar. There is a story of a famous scholar who found himself sharing a seat in a bus with a farmer, and proposed an exchange of riddles to help pass the time. "When I miss a riddle," suggested the scholar, "I'll pay you a dollar, but since obviously I've had more opportunity than you to acquire knowledge, when you miss a riddle you need pay me only fifty cents." The farmer nodded agreement. "I have my first riddle ready for you right now," he said. What is it that weighs six hundred pounds on the ground and only fifteen pounds when it flies?" "I don't know," confessed the scholar, "so here's my dollar." "I don't know either, admitted the farmer, "so here's my fifty cents." ------------------------------------------------------------ Joke List 10 ------------------------------------------------------------ Why Bicycles are Better than Women 1. Bicycles don't get pregnant. 2. You can ride your Bicycle any time of the month. 3. Bicycles don't have parents. 4. Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong. 5. You can share your Bicycle with you friends. 6. Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you've ridden. 7. When riding, you and your Bicycle can arrive at the same time. 8. Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you have. 9. Bicycles don't care if you look at other Bicycles. 10. Bicycles don't care if you buy Bicycle magazines. 11. You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to own a new Bicycle" unless you go out to buy one yourself. 12. If your Bicycle goes flat you can fix it. 13. If your Bicycle is too loose you can tighten it. 14. If your Bicycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it. 15. You can have an old Bicycle and bring it home to your parents. 16. You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Bicycle. 17. If you say bad things to your Bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again. 18. You can ride your Bicycle as long as you want and it won't get sore. 19. You can stop riding your Bicycle as soon as you want and not get frustrated. 20. Your parents won't remain in touch with your old Bicycle. 21. Bicycles don't get headaches. 22. Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider. 23. Your Bicycle never wants a night out with the other Bicycles. 24. Bicycles don't care if you're late. 25. You don't have to take a shower before you ride your Bicycle. 26. If your Bicycle doesn't look good you can paint it or get better parts. 27. You can ride your Bicycle the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother. 28. The only protection you have to wear when riding your Bicycle is a decent helmet. 29. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your Bicycle. Things I've Learned From Children I've Babysitted 1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. 2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room. 3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late. 4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 5. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. 6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes. 7. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep. 8. LEGOS will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old 9. Super glue is forever. 10. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. 11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 12. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 13. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. 15. The fire department in Horsham, PA has at least a 5 minute response time. 16. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. 17. It will however make cats dizzy. 18. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. Small World Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette. After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, " I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through. " He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back, explaining, " I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them." The second man walked toward the ladies, goes halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said, " Small World! " Special Monkey A guy walks into a pet shop wanting to buy a dog. "We're out of dogs," the owner said, "but I have this special monkey." "What's so special about it?" "It gives the best blow jobs." "Oh, come on. Really? How much is it?" "It's two thousand dollars." "Two thousand?" "I promise you'll love it. And if you're not satisfied I'll give you a full refund." So the guy takes the monkey home. Later that night the man's wife walks into the kitchen and sees pots and pans all over the place. "What's going on?" she asked him. "If I can teach this monkey to cook, you're outta here!" Lawyer's Dog A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog. The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts. The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie. The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called "Bullshit, come!" Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff. Bullshit immediately sodomized the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf. Congress (Opposite of Progress?) Representative Tim Moore sponsored a resolution in the Texas House of Representatives in Austin, Texas calling on the House to commend Albert de Salvo for his unselfish service to "his country, his state and his community." The resolution stated that "this compassionate gentleman's dedication and devotion to his work has enabled the weak and the lonely throughout the nation to achieve and maintain a new degree of concern for their future. He has been officially recognized by the state of Massachusetts for his noted activities and unconventional techniques involving population control and applied psychology." The resolution was passed unanimously. Representative Moore then revealed that he had only tabled the motion to show how the legislature passes bills and resolutions often without reading them or understanding what they say. Albert de Salvo was the Boston Strangler. Subject: Sign of the times Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go." Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority." Female Employee: "And I'm a woman." Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin." ...To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..." Top 10 McDonald's excuses for a condom being found in a Big Mac: (taken from The Late Show With David Letterman) 10. We were test-marketing the new "McTrojan" 9. Condom, condiment--what's the damn difference? 8. It still tastes better than the "Arch Deluxe" 7. It was either there or in the vanilla shake 6. Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true 5. We're experimenting with a new, even happier "Happy Meal" 4. So what -- a regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway 3. Employees too embarrassed to say, "Would you like condoms with that?" 2. Drive-thru speaker broken -- "Coke with lots of ice" sounded like "prophylactic device" 1. When you're serving billions and billions, you can't be too careful Duck Hunting So this guy is hunting ducks. He realizes he has one bullet left, and he has to make this one count. Lo and behold he shoots one down and goes to retrieve it. As he's picking it up, another man, with a gun pointed at the first man, stops him and says, "Easy fella, that there's my duck, I shot it down." The first man replies, "I don't think so. I know I shot it. It's mine." The second man cocks his gun and says, "Not on your life." The first man remembers he's out of bullets and wouldn't stand a chance in a shoot-out. So he says, "Why don't we have a contest. The stronger man gets the duck." "What kind of contest?" "We take turns kicking each other in the groin as hard as we can, the last man standing gets the duck," says the first man. "Okay," agrees the second one. "I'll go first," says the first man. He winds up and boots the other guy with all his strength right in the nuts. The second man buckles down to his knees, in total agony. After five mintues of deep breathing and concentration, he's able to stand up. "Okay, my turn," he eagerly winces. At this the first man says, "Nah, it's okay, you win, keep the duck." Damn Nerds A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." And for plenty of good reasons, since it can: 1. cause excessive sweating and vomiting 2. it is a major component in acid rain 3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state 4. accidental inhalation can kill you 5. it contributes to erosion 6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes 7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was water. The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?" He feels the conclusion is obvious. Yet Another Lawyer Joke Young woman: "This is the first time I've ever needed a lawyer. How much would you charge me if all I had were three questions?" Lawyer: "A hundred bucks." Young woman: "A HUNDRED DOLLARS... Is that ETHICAL?" Lawyer: "Of course it is. Now what's your third question?" What To Do With Cows Socialism -- If you have 2 cows, you give one to your neighbor. Communism -- If you have 2 cows, you give them to the government; and the government gives you some milk. Fascism -- If you have 2 cows, you keep the cows but give the milk to the government, who then sells you the milk at a high price. Nazism -- If you have 2 cows, the government shoots you and keeps the cows. New Dealism -- (FDR Version) If you have 2 cows, you shoot one, milk the other one; then pour the milk down the drain. Capitalism -- (Reaganomics) If you have 2 cows, you sell one and buy a bull; you then sell all the excess milk to the government who in turn ships it to fascist and communist governments. Anarchism -- If you have 2 cows, your neighbor on your left takes one cow, and the one on the right takes the other; while your backyard neighbor takes the milk, the bucket and the stool. Utopianism -- If you have 2 cows, Mother Nature zaps the cows, turning their udders into eternal milk-shake dispensers. Radical Feminism -- If you have 2 cows, you declare an amazonian state free of bull oppression and sit around waiting for the cows to hump each other. Dictatorship -- You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. Pure Democracy -- You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk. Representative Democracy -- You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. Random Offensive Jokes Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist? A: No one to talk to during orgasm. Q: If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have? A: Divorce proceedings, most likely. Q. How can you tell which bottle contains the PMS medicine? A. It's the one with the teeth marks on the cap. Q. What do you do with an elephant with three balls? A. Walk him and pitch to the rhino. Q. What does a Jew do with 20,000 bras? A. Cuts them in half and sells 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps. Q. What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg? A. Nothing. They've never met. Q. A:What is the only time a man will think about a candlelight dinner? A. When the power goes off. Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? A. His wife is good at picking out clothes. Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking? A. Because all those men already have boyfriends. Just think, if we had elected Ross Perot, we wouldn't have to worry about a sex scandal in the White House. Let's get it straight: It was George Washington who couldn't tell a lie, Richard Nixon who couldn't tell the truth and Bill Clinton who couldn't tell the difference. Q. What do you call the foreskin on a homo's penis A. Mud flaps. Q: What do you call an amish with his hand up a horses ass? A: A mechanic KISS KISS!! It's Good for you because... ...it helps prevent tooth decay. Dr Peter Gorden, Dental Advisor at the British Dental Association, explains. "After eating, your mouth is full of sugar solution and acidic saliva, which cause plaque build up. Kissing is nature's own cleaning process," he adds. "It imulates saliva flow and brings plaque levels down to normal." ....it relieves tension. A passionate kiss is a great relaxation technique, says stress consultant, Michelle Kay Mcnabb. "When your mouth is in a kissing position, you're almost smiling and, as our emotions and body language are so closely linked, it's almost impossible to smile and feel tense at the same time," she explains. "Also, your breathing becomes deeper and your eyes close when u kiss - that's what u do when u relax. It's a perfect way to shut out the world." ...it helps you lose weight. "A long kiss makes the metabolism burn up sugar faster than usual," says Claire Potter. "The calories burned depend on the intensity, but u can rely on 10 calories for every 10 minutes." ...it slows the ageing process. "Kissing helps to tone your cheek and jowl muscles, so they're less likely to sag," says Cosmo's Fitness Consultant, Claire Potter. ...it increases fitness levels. Your heart is pumping, your pulse is racing..." If kissing is exciting, you release adrenaline into the bloodstream and your heart pumps more blood around your body," says Dr Susan Hotchkies. "It's a great cardiovascular workout." ...it is a good indication of what's to come. Kissing a new man gives you the perfect opportunity to check out his pheromones - the chemical messengers that signal sexual attraction." The first kiss is always a good way to work out if there's any chemistry between you," says Paul Brown, a sexual and marital therapist. "In humans, it's thought that smells plays a vital part in subconscious attraction, and if your pheromones aren't in tune', you're unlikely to hit off in other areas." And finally, ...it boosts self-esteem. There's nothing better than a passionate kiss for a major dose of feel - good factor. "In theory, when you're kissing, you're happy. And when you're happy, you feel good about yourself," says psychotherapist Paul Zeal. (Doesn't it make you feel like kissing someone now?) There you have it...Why Kissing Is Good for YOU! Just one little change.... BLOWJOB!! BLOWJOB!! It's Good for you because... ...it helps prevent tooth decay. Dr Peter Gorden, Dental Advisor at the British Dental Association, explains. "After eating, your mouth is full of sugar solution and acidic saliva, which cause plaque build up. A Blowjob is nature's own cleaning process," he adds. "It simulates saliva flow and brings plaque levels down to normal." ....it relieves tension. A passionate blowjob is a great relaxation technique, says stress consultant, Michelle Kay Mcnabb. "When your mouth is in a blowjob position, you're almost smiling and, as our emotions and body language are so closely linked, it's almost impossible to smile and feel tense at the same time," she explains. "Also, your breathing becomes deeper and your eyes close when you blowjob - that's what u do when u relax. It's a perfect way to shut out the world." ...it helps you lose weight. "A long blowjob makes the metabolism burn up sugar faster than usual," says Claire Potter. "The calories burned depend on the intensity, but u can rely on 10 calories for every 10 minutes." ...it slows the ageing process. "Blowjobs helps to tone ur cheek and jowl muscles, so they're less likely to sag," says Cosmo's Fitness Consultant, Claire Potter. ...it increases fitness levels. Your heart is pumping, your pulse is racing..." If a blowjob is exciting, you release adrenaline into the bloodstream and your heart pumps more blood around your body," says Dr Susan Hotchkies. "It's a great cardiovascular workout." ...it is a good indication of what's to come. Blowing a new man gives you the perfect opportunity to check out his pheromones - the chemical messengers that signal sexual attraction." The first blowjob is always a good way to work out if there's any chemistry between you," says Paul Brown, a sexual and marital therapist. "In humans, it's thought that smells plays a vital part in subconscious attraction, and if your pheromones aren't in tune', you're unlikely to hit off in other areas." And finally, ...it boosts self-esteem. There's nothing better than a passionate blowjob for a major dose of feel - good factor. "In theory, when you're blowing, you're happy. And when you're happy, you feel good about yourself," says psychotherapist Paul Zeal. (Doesn't it make you feel like blowing someone now?) There you have it...Why Blowjobs Are Good for YOU! La Math Test City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam Name:_____________________ Gang:________________________ 1. Duane has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload? 2. If Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it? 3. Rufus is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit? 4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of Heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need? 5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to make $800? 6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money? 7. If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint? 8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up? THE NERD TEST Score one point for each YES. The score is % nerdity. 1) Have you ever used a computer? If the answer is no, try taking the Baker House Purity Test. 2) Have you ever programmed a computer? 3) Have you ever built a computer? 4) Done #2 continuously for more than four hours? 5) Done #2 continuously for more than eight hours? 6) ? (For those non-MIT students out there, this translates as, "Do/did you major in electrical engineering or computer science?) 7) Do you wear glasses? 8) Are your glasses broken (e.g. taped)? 9) Is your vision worse than 20/40? 10) Worse than 20/80? 11) Are you legally blind? 12) Have you ever asked a question in lecture? 13) Have you ever answered a question in lecture? 14) Have you ever corrected a professor? 15) Have you ever answered a rhetorical question? 16) Do you sit in the front row? 17) Do you take notes in more than one color? 18) Have you ever worn a calculator? 19) Do you read science fiction? 20) Have you ever used a microscope? 21) Have you ever used a telescope? 22) Have you ever used an oscilloscope? 23) Is your weight less than your IQ? 24) Have you ever done #2 on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday of the same weekend? 25) Have you ever done #2 past 4 am? 26) Have you ever done #2 with someone of the appropriate (either or both, your choice) sex (besides your consultant)? 27) Have you ever done #2 for money? 28) Do you have a Rubik's Cube? 29) Can you solve it? 30) Without the book? 31) Without looking? 32) Do you have acne? 33) Do you have greasy hair? 34) Are you unaware of it? 35) Have you ever bought anything from Radio Shack? 36) From Heathkit? 37) Do you know trigonometry? 38) Do you know calculus? 39) Do you know Maxwell's Equations? 40) Do you have them on a t-shirt? 41) Have you ever dissected anything? 42) Do you know pi past five decimal places? 43) Do you know e past five decimal places? 44) Do you own more than $500 in electronics (excluding stereo)? 45) More than $1000? 46) More than $2500? 47) Have you ever built more than $2500 worth of electronics? 48) Have you ever watched Dr. Who? 49) More than three times in the same night? 50) Have you ever read _The_Hitchhiker's_Guide_to_the_Galaxy_? 51) Was your SAT math score more than 300 points higher than your verbal? 52) Have you ever done homework on a Friday night? 53) Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? 54) Have you ever redesigned a major household appliance? 55) Have you ever played a computer game? 56) Done #55 in the last three months? 57) Done #55 in the last three weeks? 58) Have you ever written a computer game? 59) Are your pants too short? 60) Do your socks mismatch? 61) Have you used a chemistry set? 62) After the age of 13? 63) Have you ever played D&D (or any other role-playing game)? 64) Since high school? 65) Have you ever entered a science fair? 66) Did you win? 67) Do you own a digital watch? 68) Does it play music? 69) Does it have a calculator? 70) Have you ever used a rare earth element? 71) Do you own a CRC? 72) Do you own a CRT? 73) Do you know RPN? 74) Do you own a laser (over 1 mw)? 75) Were you ever on a chess team? 76) A debate team? 77) Do you know more than three programming languages? 78) More than eight? 79) Have you ever made a technical joke? 80) Did no one get it? 81) Can you name more than ten Star Trek episodes? 82) Are you socially inept? 83) Do you own a pencil case? 84) Do you wear it? 85) Do you know Schrodinger's Equation? 86) Have you ever solved it? 87) Have you ever used the word "asymptotic"? 88) Can you count in binary? 89) Have you ever broken into a computer system? 90) A government system? 91) Have you ever changed your bank account? 92) Changed someone else's? 93) Done #92 for money? 94) Have you ever inhaled helium? 95) Do you know the Latin name for the fruit fly? 96) Do you own anything that is radio controlled? 97) Have you ever interpolated? 98) Have you ever extrapolated? 99) Have you ever used a modem? 100) Have you ever reached sexual climax while doing #2? Men Women Courses Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. 1. Combatting Stupidity 2. You Too Can Do Housework 3. PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut 4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray 5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Just Give Us Credit Cards) 6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am 7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly called "Don't Wash My Silks") 8. Parenting Roles Beyond Initial Conception 9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook 10. How Not To Act Like An Asshole When You Are Obviously Wrong 11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right 12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence 13. You, The Weaker Sex 14. Reasons To Give Flowers 15. How To Stay Awake After Sex 16. Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere Except In The Bathroom 17. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb 18. A. You Really Can Fall Asleep Without Doing It, If You Really Try B. The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake In The Morning, Take A Cold Shower 19. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Damn Well Please 20. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat (formerly called "No It's Not A Bidet") 21. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Often Bullshit 22. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost 23. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency 24. Romanticism - Other Ideas Beyond Sex 25. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes 26. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too 27. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous 28. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children 29. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver 30. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home 31. You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked 32. Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works! 33. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Your Vocabulary 34. Fluffing The Blankets After Farting Is Not Necessary 35. You Don't Really Need That Porsche After Thinning Hair And Mid-Life Crisis 36. How To Tolerate Bras And Pantyhose Hanging In The Bathroom ----- Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. 1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag 2. You Can Change The Oil Too 3. PMS - Learning To Sleep Over At Mother's 4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug 5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas (Just Wear The Sexy Lingerie I Gave You) 6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness 7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football 8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around 9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop 10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right 11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself 12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right 12. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility 13. You, The Whining Sex 14. Reasons To Give Head To Your Man 15. How To Stay Awake During Sex And Imagine That It Lasted For Over 10 Minutes 16. Why It Is Unacceptable To Talk About Feminine Hygiene In Mixed Company 17. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours 18. A. You Can Use A Bed For More Than Just Sleep B. It's Okay To Do It Outside Of The Bedroom 19. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother 20. How To Close The Garage Door 21. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation 22. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia 23. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank 24. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation 25. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself 26. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend 27. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous 28. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother 29. You Too Can Carry A Backpack 30. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most 31. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men 32. Dress Like A Slut And Put On Something Sexy - Why It Won't Ruin Your Brain 33. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving 34. Apologizing For Farting When You're On The Toilet Is Not Necessary 35. How To Remain Femininely Enticing And Attractive After Menopause 36. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste Nazareth Secondary School Term Report Student: J. CHRIST Form: III Term: 1 SUBJECT GRADE TEACHER'S COMMENT Religion D To the question "Who made the world?" persisted in answering 'My dad'. Claims bible originated from the same source. English D+ Tends to speak and write in archaic forms and uses outmoded figures of speech. History A Excellent pupil of ancient and Religious History. Geography C- Assignment on 'Hot, dry lands' was excellent, but shows little interest in the rest. In geology, keeps talking about the Rock of Ages instead of the ages of Rock. Social Studies B+ Shows keen interest in social issues. Mathematics F Lacks basics. Keeps muttering about 'Three in one' and 'I and the father are one'. General Science D Lacks discipline - e.g., when asked to repeat the experiment for making hydrogen, claimed he knew a better way. Graphic Communication D Prefers to draw with a stick in the sand to pencil and paper. Consumer Education C+ Interesting ideas about alternative life style: Something about living like sparrows and lilies of the fields...too impractical. Art/Craft B Obviously has imagination and creativity, a good potter - likes working with dirt and water. Material Studies A Excellent in woodwork section. Obviously receives help and stimulation at home. Music/Drama B+ A keen member of the school choir. On occasions can be frighteningly dramatic. Community A Keenly interested in all aspects of Living community. Physical Education D- A trouble maker - e.g. during the learn-to-swim campaign insisted on trying to walk across the pool. Health Classes A Shows a remarkable aptitude for first aid and knowledge of the body. CLASS TEACHER'S COMMENT: This boy has a very unhealthy tendency to form gangs. He has organized twelve of his friends into a gang and is seen constantly in the company of the children of publicans and sinners. He needs to be more selective in his choice of friends. Also, he should learn to keep his hair at a tidy length and not wear sandals with the school uniform. -------------------------------------------------------- Joke List 11 -------------------------------------------------------- Proof That Barney Is Satan Proof that Barney, the cute purple dinosaur, is Satan can be ascertained with a little numerical study of his name and description. Given: Barney is a cute purple dinosaur. Step 1: Extract the Roman numerals from the given. (Remember since the Romans had no letter 'U', we must replace each instance of 'U' with a "V") Initial conversion: CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR Numercial extraction: CV V L DI V Step 2: Add them: 100 + 5 + 5 + 50 + 500 + 1 + 5 = 666 And you thought that PBS was safe! Little Johnny Jokes Johnny's teacher had a new game for the children. She would pick a word and have the children make a sentence out of it. She had to be careful because she knew that Little Johnny would try and turn this into something dirty, as he had done so many times before. She chose the word "fascinate". Knowing that Johnny could not possible mess this one up, she called on him first. Johnny said, "My sister went to the mall and bought a blouse. It had 10 buttons up the front, but her boobs were so big she could only fasten eight." The teacher is going through the alphabet, asking the students to say a word that begins with the letter. "OK, the first letter is 'A'," the teacher says. Little Johnny is raising his hand. Knowing that he is rude and foul mouthed, the teacher decides not to call on him for fear of some bad words. So she calls on someone else. They go through the wohle alphabet until the letter "R." At this point Little Johnny had been raising his hand for every letter. The teacher thinks "Well, I can't think of any bad words that begins with 'R'." "Johnny, want to try this one?" "I have a word- 'rat'." Now the teacher is so glad he didn't say anything disgusting when all of a sudden Little Johnny adds "A Big Fucking Rat." Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first. One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God. The teacher praises the little girl, as a little boy raised his hand. The little boy says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love." "Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no", she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?" Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'" One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought >my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fuckin' beautiful!'" One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about." "Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely, ignored him and picked Jenny, who promptly answered "An apple." "No Jenny, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now, for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like you're thinking. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now, Johnny is about to expolde as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Jonny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it's got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!" Pervert A man was brought into the psychiatric ward in handcuffs. Shortly afterward, a staff physiciam came into the man's room and asked, "Why are you here?" "I was arrested for screwing a three year old in the ass." the man replied. "My God!" the shocked shrink exclaimed . "Was it a boy or a girl?" The man snapped, "A girl, of course. What do you think I am, a pervert?" Size Matters A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's corvette back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the rabbit and the horse were playing in the meadow again and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab my dick and pull yourself up." And the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety. The Moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Corvette. Change of Professions A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so he thought he'd become a mechanic. So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result. The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark. The instructor said, "No, no, that's right. First I gave you a 50% for stripping down the engine -- a very thorough job. Next I gave you a 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really. Then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler." The Shotgun Rules Version 1.1 The rules listed below apply to the calling of Shotgun (the passenger seat) in an automobile. These rules are definitive and binding. Section I The Basic Rules 1. In order to call Shotgun, the caller must pronounce the word Shotgun" in a clear voice. This call must be heard and acknowledged by the driver. The other occupants of the vehicle need not hear the call as long as the driver verifies the call. 2. Shotgun may only be called if all occupants of the vehicle are outside and on the way to said vehicle. 3. Early calls are strictly prohibited. Shotgun may only be called while walking toward the vehicle and only applies to the drive immediately forthcoming. Shotgun can never be called while inside a vehicle or still technically on the way to the first location. For example, one can not get out of a vehicle and call Shotgun for the return journey. 4. The driver has final say in all ties and disputes. The driver has the right to suspend or remove all shotgun privileges from one or more persons. Section II Special Cases These special exceptions to the rules above should be considered in the order presented; the case listed first will take precedence over any of the cases beneath it, when applicable. 1. In the instance that the normal driver of a vehicle is drunk or otherwise unable to perform their duties as driver, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun. 2. If the instance that the person who actually owns the vehicle is not driving, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline. 3. In the instance the the driver's spouse, lover, partner, or hired prostitute for the evening is going to accompany the group, he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline. 4. In the instance that one of the passengers may become so ill during the course of the journey that the other occupants feel he/she will toss their cookies, then the ill person should be given Shotgun to make appropriate use of the window. 5. In the instance that only one person knows how to get to a given location and this person is not the driver, then as the designated navigator for the group they automatically get Shotgun, unless they decline. 6. In the instance that one of the occupants is too wide or tall to fit comfortably in the back seat, then the driver may show mercy and award Shotgun to the genetic misfit. Alternatively, the driver and other passengers may continually taunt the poor fellow as they make a three hour trip with him crammed in the back. Section III The Survival of the Fittest Rule 1. If the driver so wishes, he/she may institute the Survival of the Fittest Rule on the process of calling Shotgun. In this case all rules, excepting I-4, are suspended and the passenger seat is occupied by whoever can take it by force. 2. The driver must announce the institution of the Survival of the Fittest Rule with reasonable warning to all passengers. This clause reduces the amount of blood lost by passengers and the damage done to the vehicle. Please follow the above rules to the best of your ability. If there are any arguments or exceptions not covered in these rules, please refer to rule I-4. The Pope and The President President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was sent to hell. The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye as he went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stop to chat. The Pope said, "Sorry about the mix up." President Clinton said "No problem." "Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven!" gushed the Pope "Why's that?" "All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary." "You're a day late." the President responded. Doesn't Look Like We're In D.C. Anymore Quayle, Gingrich, and Clintonare traveling in a car together in the midwest. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the Land of Oz. They decide to go see the Wizard of Oz. Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain!" Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart!" Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?" Random Offensives Yo Mama's So Stupid... She told me to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk". She sat on the TV and watched the couch. They had to burn down the school to get her out of third grade. She sold the car for gas money. A guy goes to a brothel and asks for the cheapest girl. The madam tells him that he can have Old Mary for $5 on condition that he wears a black condom. "Why do I have to wear a black condom"? he asks. "Haven't you any respect for the dead". the madam replies. Q. How many battered wives does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. One, if she knows whats good for her. Q. What does a homosexual call a used rubber? A. Sack lunch. Q. Why is the Mexican Olympic team so small? A. Because anyone who can run jump or swim is already here Q. What is the difference between Olympic swimmers, and Olympic divers? A. Mark Spitz and Greg swallows. Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms? A. For traction in the mud. Q. What does the gynecologist and the pizza delivery boy have in common? A. They can both smell it but can't eat it! Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Q. What's the best way to load the dishwasher? A. Take her to a bar and give her whiskey Q. Why do men die before their wives? A. They want to. Q. What makes a dead baby float? A. One scoop of ice cream and a scoop of dead baby. Q. What's the difference between blondes and the Bermuda triangle? A. Blondes swallow more seamen. 'Knock, knock.' 'Who's there?' 'Polish burglar.' Q. Did you hear Lorena Bobbit died in a car crash? A. Some dick cut her off. Q. What do you call a fat woman with a yeast infection? A. A whopper with cheese. Q. What does walking a high wire, and getting a blow job from Jenet Reno have in common ? A. Either way, don't look down Q. Whats the difference between an Italian girl and a monkey A. About three hairs Q. Did you hear about the Princess who stayed out past midnight? A. She turned into a concrete wall... Q. What's the difference between a Mercedes & a Hyundai? A. Diana wouldn't be caught dead in a Hyundai. Q: What was the last thing she kissed? A: The radiator Q: How did Diana stay so thin? A: It was that crash diet "Those photographers drive me up the wall!" Some insight by Dennis Miller on what men want from women... I know the myth is that men want: Traci Lords in the bedroom, Julia Child in the kitchen, Hazel around the house, Lesley Visser during a game, Mary Poppins for the children, Cha Cha Muldowney in traffic, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Chick when we're sick, Mary Richards at work, Mother Theresa when we come home with leprosy, Gertrude Stein in conversation, the body of Sophia Loren in 'Boy on a Dolphin' combined with the voice of Sade, and to top it all off, the IQ of Anna Nicole Smith, because we don't want to feel too threatened. So if that's the myth of what we want, what's the reality? Well, first put that Cosmo article down right now and back slowly away from the magazine. Now go to the window and take a deep breath. You must clear your head of bullshit articles like "How to Trick Your Man into Cooking Tex-Mex". Trick me? How about asking me? And then I'll be able to tell you I don't have a fucking clue what Tex-Mex is, okay?! All right, I'm not supposed to do this. I'm not supposed to reveal the master list to all you non-tripods, but what the hell; here goes: Here's what men want from women. One through Ten: 1. We want you to understand that we don't give a shit about clothes, all right? Yours OR ours. All we need is one pair of tennies and one pair of church shoes. That's it. 2. Don't talk to us while the television is on, all right? Very simple: Television is off, we talk. Television is on, we don't. 3. THREE- When you're behind the wheel of a car, if you want to get aggressive, that's fine, but don't give somebody the finger and expect me to defend your honor when Steroid Lad comes over swinging a pair of nunchucks, all right? 4. Would it kill you to watch 'The Godfather' with me for the fifty-seventh time? 5. FIVE- Hey I'm sorry, but some of us see a beautiful sunset and think, "You know, I betcha my accountant is boning me up the ass." 6. You go see Nell by yourself, all right? I met enough chicks like that at "The Drink" when I was single. 7. Have a sense of humor. Without a sense of humor, a relationship lasts about as long David Duke at a Black Panther meeting. 8. Work out your job-related anger before we have sex. Just because Helmut, the office boy, brought you the CUP of lima bean consomme instead of the BOWL of lima bean consomme from Soup Plantation, I don't want to end up in the friction burn groin ward at Cedars-Sinai, all right? 9. Don't ask us to cry. As much as you say you want us to cry, you don't really want us to cry. You hate it when we cry. I've tried crying in front of my wife. She enjoyed it for about thirty seconds and then started thinking, "Why in the fuck did I marry this hamster?" 10. Be patient. Hold us. Love us unconditionally. Help us out of this testosterone-induced fog we dwell in and lead us into the light. Or if that's asking too much, how's about a big sloppy blowjob once in a while?" Things You May Not Have Known About Beer It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in- law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon". I have also heard that it was believed that if the groom drank mead for an entire moon it would enhance the chances of his wife bearing a male heir, the bride however had to abstain from drinking alcohol at all. Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb". In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's". After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles. In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy", a word still in use today. I'll never forget the first time I took it in my mouth.......... First Time....Again I fiercely tore open its prison walls. I was surprised when it slid out into my hand, but I quickly adapted to the feel of it in my hand. I held it gently, careful that it didn't melt under my touch before I could really enjoy it. I held it to my nose and inhaled deeply, permanently storing its unique scent in my memory. I gently ran my tongue across the ever-so-subtle ridge before taking it deeply into my mouth. I took it in my mouth as far as it would go, it took all of my strength to resist the urge to swallow it whole. My tongue worked on its sweet shell until I could finally start to taste its slightly salty filling. The quickness took me by surprise, and I moaned in approval, even though I hoped it would have lasted longer. I held the last few morsels on my tongue, savoring the taste before swallowing it all. I smiled, already looking forward to the next time ................................................ Thank God Reese's peanut butter cups are sold in packages of two. Porn Star's Baby A woman is just about to give birth in the hospital when she says to the doctor, "Doc, do me a favor. Tell me what color the baby is as it's being born." The doctor is understandably a little puzzled at this. "Why don't you know what color the child is going to be?" "Well", says the woman, "The problem is that I'm a porno actress and the child was conceived during the making of a film. I have no idea who the father is." "OK", says the doctor, "I'll do it for you but it is most unusual." The baby begins to be born and the doctor says, "Here comes the head, it seems to have yellow skin and the eyes are slanted. Was one of the actors Chinese?" "Yes, doctor he was.", says the woman. "Wait", says the doctor," The chest and arms are out and they seem to be very dark. Was one of the actors black?" "Yes, doctor he was." "Wait, now the legs are out and they're brown. Was one of the actors Asian?" "Yes, doctor he was." So the doctor pulls the baby free and gives it the traditional slap on the back. The baby lets out a healthy "Waaaahh" and starts crying. "Oh, thank God for that!", says the woman, "For a moment there, I expected it to bark!" Medical Ethics Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him - "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality - "Howard. You're a veterinarian." How Many Times? (Patriotic Joke) A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American in an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me." "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man." When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop." Drinking Vodka A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks and the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted. The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. This goes on for the next few nights. Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle." Headache Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . . .size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure . . ." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see. . .34 sleeve and . . . 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure . . ."The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see. . .9 and a half. . . wide." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure . . " The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. . .7 5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure . . "The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see. . size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache." Electrical Joke A tale from an Electrical Engineer HE ADVENTURES OF MICRO-FARAD AND MILLI-AMP One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to seek out a cute coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli-Amp and took her for a ride on his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone Bridge, around the sine waves, and stopped in the magnetic field by a flowing current. Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's characteristic curves, soon had her fully charged and excited her resistance to a minimum. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance. He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it in her socket, connecting them in parallel and began short circuiting her resistance shunt. Fully excited, Milli-Amp mumbled, -OHM-OHM-OHM.- With his tube operating at a maximum and her field vibrating with his current flow, it caused her shunt to overheat, and Micro-Farad was rapidly discharged and drained off every electron. They fluxed all night trying various connections and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost all of its field strength. Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her solenoids. With his battery fully discharged, Micro- Farad was unable to excite his field, so they spent the rest of the night reversing polarity and blowing each other's fuses. Lucky Jackass A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The Farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.' Don't Laugh, You're Next A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up you bastard! You're next!" The Top 10 Signs Marv Albert Has Been In Your Hotel Room 10. When have you ever seen a hotel shoeshine rag with tape on one side and dandruff on the other? 9. You're bra is missing. Your panties are missing. The rug is missing. 8. Dennis Rodman drops by to get his panties and garter belt back. 7. Lipstick scrawled on the bathroom mirror reads, "If the panties don't fit, you must acquit!" 6. The big dent in the mattress, the size XXXXL orange turtleneck, two dozen empty quarts of Good Humor ice cream, and a keg of chocolate sauce. (Oops! That's a sign *FAT* Albert's been in your hotel room.) 5. Throw rug on the floor is only 8 inches in diameter. 4. A quick jump on the bed releases one last lingering echo of "YESSSS!!!!" 3. "Marv was here" gnawed into headboard of bed. 2. "Saturday" missing from your day-of-the-week panty collection. (Editor's note: Day-of-the-week panty collection?) and the Number 1 Sign Marv Albert Has Been In Your Hotel Room... 1. There's a toupee on the nightstand and a career in the toilet. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Joke List 12 ------------------------------------------------------------------ Drunk's Confession One Sunday morning, a priest opened the front doors of the church and looked out into the early day. His eyes dropped down where he spotted a drunk stumbling up the street, weaving from one side of the road to the other as he made his way toward the church. The Priest watched him with interest as the drunk began to stumble up the church steps and up the aisle toward the confession booths. The Priest thought to himself, "I bet this man wants to repent for his sins and change his ways," so he quickly got in one side of the confessional as the drunk got in the other one. The Priest waited for a minute, but the drunk didn't say anything. Finally, the Priest called out, "Can I help you my son?" The old drunk slurred, "Awww Shitt, yah, ya got any toilet paper on your side?" So who's easy? This is on page 60 of the May 1997 issue of Details magazine. For you guys, it's the one with Tyra Banks on the cover. Who's Easy: A Statistical Analysis of Promiscuity 70% of women who smoke have had more than 4 lovers in the last year while 60% of female non-smokers had none. Women who respond to sex surveys in mags like Cosmo may have 5 times as many lovers as typical women. Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don't. Women with a Ph.D are twice as likely to be turned on by the thought of anonymous sex as women who never got a bachelor's degree. Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts. National birthrates rise and fall with the height of heels. In a bar or nightclub, the hemlines and necklines of unaccompanied women rise and fall (respectively) during ovulation. Women who have a postive attitude towards sex tend to be less achievement oriented. White teenage girls who live with single mothers are 60% more likely to have sex before the age of 18 than those who live with both parents. The percentage is much lower for Black girls. Women who lost their virginity before their 18th birthday are likely to be twice as sexually active as women who don't. Atheists, non-Christians and Jews are tend to be more sexually active than practicing Christians. Women who have spent a night in jail are almost 50% more likely to have had more than 10 lovers in the past year than women with no criminal record. Australian women are more likely to have sex on the first date. Latino women have sex more often than either Blacks or Whites, who get down at roughly the same rate. Black women are 50% more likely than White women to come every time they have sex. White women, especially those with a college degree, are the most receptive to anal sex. 20% of women who live with their boyfriends have more than one sex partner. Playmate IQ Test A few months ago, Howard Stern hosted Julie Cailini ('96 Playmate of the Year) and Stacey Sanchez ('97 Playmate of the Year) for a morning of sordid joviality. The ladies, who were promoting their latest calendars, answered ten questions from Howard, ostensibly to demonstrate how important it is for them *AS ROLE MODELS* for young women to stay up on current affairs. The ladies' answers were amusing (and a bit sad), but the bit did prove that you don't have to be a neurosurgeon to earn a pile of cash! Love him or hate him, you have to appreciate Howard's sense of the absurd. Q: Who is the President of Russia? Julie: "Gorbachev" Stacey: "Gretzky" (correct answer: Boris Yeltsin) Q: Define the meaning of NAACP. Julie: "Something, something, for Certified Pianists" Stacey: "It's some kind of police organization." (correct answer: National Association for the Advancement of Colored People) Q: Who was the inventor of the lightbulb? Julie: "I know Edison invented the telephone, but I can't remember the Light bulb guy." Stacey: "I don't know." (correct answer: Thomas A. Edison. Alexander Graham Bell was the phone guy!) Q: Who is the Speaker of the House? Julie: "Gore something-or-other." Stacey: "Bill Clinton." (correct answer: Newt Gingrich. For the benefit of international members of the market-l, Al "Gore" is the U.S. Vice President, "Bill Clinton" is our president.) Q: Define the meaning of the letters CIA. Julie: "I don't know." Stacey: "Certified Investigation Association." (correct answer: Central Intelligence Agency) Q: What is the center of our solar system? Julie: "The Equator" Stacey: "The Moon" (correct answer: The Sun) Changing his tack to create better odds for the girls, Howard switched to what he termed "industry related" questions: Q: What do the initials "DK" stand for? A: both knew it was fashion designer "Donna Karan." Q: What is "Cristal?" A: Both knew it was an elite champagne Q: What car company has a model known as a "911?" A: both knew it was Porsche. What if Star Wars was turned into a pimped out Movie? Well, we figured many great movies out there were the "pimped-out" ones, such as Shaft, Dolemite, Disco Godfather, Black Belt Jones, I'm Gonna Git You Sucka, and Petey Wheatstraw. So, what would be a good movie to turn into a pimped out movie? Why, Star Wars, of course. Here are a list of changes that would have to be made, to make Star Wars the truly great trilogy it was meant to be. The Millennium Falcon has hydraulics, and gold plated landing gear. It also has huge, 500w subs mounted by the cannons. The chess table is replaced by a craps table. At the Cantina, Han Solo and Chewbacca are drinking 40's of Old-English 800. Han Solo doesn't shoot Greedo under the table, he drops the sucka execution style. C3-P0 is a completely soul-less, rhythmless white guy. Artoo is a short Hispanic man with Turret's syndrome (he's always wise-cracking at 3P0). Princess Leia has hair extensions and bamboo earrings. The Rebel Alliance is the Black Panthers. The Emperor becomes The Man. Light sabers are completely replaced by kung-fu fighting. Lando is exactly the same, just carrying a 16oz can of Colt 45. Ohhhhhhhhh yeah. The Force would be some pharmacological substance which can be grown in your backyard. Obi Wan is a Dead-Head who goes around trying to give the Force away for free. Blasters are replaced with 9's. The Ewoks are the gangs from China Town, carrying switchblades. Vader's a crack dealer (Dark Side of the Force). Jabba's place is a disco. Jabba remains the same. Boba-Fett is an Sicilian hitman named Guido ("And I want them alive. Nooooooo cement shoes"). Han's known only as "One bad mutha". Uncle Owen is the equivalent of the father on the Wayan's Brothers. He doesn't want Luke to leave, because he needs him at the local convenience store. The Jawas are replaced by the local fences. (Say my man, you want a watch?). Sand People are replaced by drunken hillbilly rednecks (They're easily startled, but they'll soon be back). Banthas become monster trucks with gun racks, mud flaps, and 4000 watts of flood lights on the roll bars. The Gammorean guard would be replaced by huge black guys named Tiny. The stormtroopers (i.e., the cops) would be paid off with a bag of the Force ("these aren't the droids you're looking for..." "move along...") Yoda's all shriveled, short, and green because he's been holding in the same hit for a looooong time ("When 900 years you reach, look so good, you will not, hmmmmm?") The best Force is found on Dagobah. The entire soundtrack is redone by George Clinton and the Parliament F(Ph)unkadelic. X-Wings are replaced by low-riders. Bespin is a huge whippet manufacturing plant, busted by the Man. Chewie is some huge Cuban (hence the accent) guy named Jesus. ("Cubans have been known to rip people's arms off when they lose."). Donna Summer is singing at Jabba's Disco. Luke is the ultimate player Mac Daddy. He pimps his own sister to his best friend. Luke's so bad, he's on the chronic : hence he's wearing all black when he enters Jabba's place. Scene Changes Uncle Owen :"We talked about this before. I need you here at the Qwiki-Mart behind the counter." Luke :"Yo, G, I just wanna chill with the homies!" Uncle Owen :"But closing time's when I need you the most." Leia :"You're not actually going into the projects are you?" Han :"Shut up, biotch! They'd be crazy to follow us wouldn't they?" Luke :"Yo, Artoo, get this door open for me." Artoo:"Ok, esse!" (scene at Mos Eisley where Luke is accosted and Obi Wan saves his ass) (Luke is tapped on shoulder by a hand with many big gold rings) Guy: "Eh yo, man, my homie ain't down wich u." (Luke turns away and is tapped again) Guy: "Eh yo man! I ain't down wich u neithuh!" Guy: "Ya'll just watch yo sorry ass. We all's wanted muthas. I gots post office posters in more hoods 'n i got gold chains" Luke: "Yo man, it,s cool, i be cool." Guy: "YO ASS'LL BE CAPPED SUCKAH!!" The Top Ten Sexually Suggestive Lines in Star Wars Star Wars 10. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!" 9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?" 8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed." 7. "You've got something jammed in here real good." 6. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?" 5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought." 4. "Sorry about the mess..." 3. "Look at the size of that thing!" 2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!" 1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid." The Empire Strikes Back 10. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me." 9. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?" 8. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here." 7. "But now we must eat. Come, good food, come..." 6. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while." 5. "Control, control! You must learn control!" 4. "Hurry up, golden-rod..." 3. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?" 2. "Possible he came in through the south entrance." 1. "And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!" Return of the Jedi 10. "Hey, point that thing someplace else." 9. "I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master." 8. "I never knew I had it in me." 7. "There is good in him, I've felt it." 6. "Grab me, Chewie. I'm slipping -- hold on. Grab it, almost... you almost got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me Chewie." 5. "Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one." 4. "Back door, huh? Good idea!" 3. "She's gonna blow!" 2. "I think you'll fit in nicely." 1. "Rise, my friend." Politics: It all really just boils down to this: Issue: Criminals: Democrats: Give them a second chance. Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death. The poor: Democrats: Give them some food. Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death. Endangered species: Democrats: Give them protection. Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death. Dictators: Democrats: Give them a way out. Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death. The uninsured: Democrats: Give them health care. Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death. *The cost: Democrats: $9,000,000,000,000,000,000 Republicans: $29.95 (cost of one sword) Top ten books checked out by Bill Clinton (or any other white male you wanna burn, just about all my friends, I'm so glad my friends are so homogenous) at the prison library... 10. "First aid care for rug burns on the side of your face" 9. "How to maintain your dignity with someone's dick in your mouth" 8. "Proctology... It's Not Just for Doctor's Anymore" 7. "How many cartons of cigarettes will I need to not be someone's bitch" 6. "Soap-On-A-Rope, Your Shower Time Friend." 5. "Crime and Punishment" 4. "101 Ways You're Gonna Get It" 3. "Bite down and I'll shank your fat white ass, honkey" 2. "Bedtime Fairy Tails" 1. "Using meditation to overcome the pounding sensation in your ass" The Five Stages of Drunkeness THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS Stage #1 -- Smart This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject. You know all and greatly wish to express this knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are also always right. And of course the person you are talking with is very wrong. You will talk for hours trying to convince someone that you are right. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are "smart". Two people talking,in fact, arguing about a subject neither one really knows anything about, but are convinced that they are they complete authority on the subject makes for great entertainment for those get the opportunity to listen in. Stage #2 -- Handsome/Pretty This is when you are convinced that you are the best looking person in the entire room and everyone is looking at you. You begin to wink at perfect strangers and ask them to dance because of course they had been admiring you the whole evening. You are the center of attention, and all eyes are directed at you because you are the most beautiful thing on the face of the earth. Now keep in mind that you are still smart, so you can talk to this person who has been admiring you about any and all subjects under the sun. Stage #3 -- Rich This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar and put it on your bill because you surely have an armored truck full of your money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets in this stage. Now of course you still know all, so you will always win all your bets. And you have no concern for how much money you bet because you have all the money in the world. You will also begin to buy drinks for all the people in the bar who are admiring you because you are now the smartest, prettiest, and richest person on the face of the earth. Stage #4 -- Bulletproof You can now pick fights with the people you have been betting money with because you cannot be hurt by anything. At this point you would go up to the boyfriend of the woman who had been admiring your beautiful self all evening and challenge him to a battle of wits for money. You have no worry about loosing this battle of wits because you know all, have all the money to cover this bet, and you obviously win a fight that might erupt if he looses. Stage #5 -- Invisible This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do absolutely anything because no one can see you. You can get up and dance on a table, to impress the people who have been admiring you all evening, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person whom you have picked a fight with earlier in the evening. You can walk through the streets singing at the top of your lungs (because of course you are still smart and know the tune perfectly) and no one will think anything of it because they can't see you. All your social inhibitions are gone. You can do anything, because no one will know. And you certainly won't remember Guys cannot Win If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy. If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard. If you thump her, it's wife bashing. If she thumps you, it's self defense. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're a fag. If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious. If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else. Top 15 Rejected Jenny McCarthy TV Pilots 15> My So-Called Talent 14> Mary Tyler Moron 13> Get Smart -- Please! 12> The XXX-Files 11> Masterpiece Theater Unplugged! 10> PR 9> The Wonderbra Years 8> Saved by the Bell Curve 7> Murder, She Giggled 6> Full Blouse 5> What's My Lines? 4> Real Sex With Jenny McCarthy and Jeff Downey 3> Hormone Improvement 2> IQ of Thirtysomething and the Number 1 Rejected Jenny McCarthy TV Pilot... 1> Leave It To Cleavage Top 10 Ways To Know You're Burnt Out From School 10. You're so tired, that you now answer the phone, "Hell." 9. Mom calls to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream,"Get off my back, bitch!" 8. When your parents inquire about your grades, you sing the Cookie Monster song: "C is for cookie, that's good enough for me..." 7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care. 6. You've got so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee. 5. Just to take a break from studying, you actually exit your dormitory when the nightly fire alarm goes off. 4. You sleep more in class than at home. 3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your bookbag. 2. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday. 1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now. The Buffalo Theory of Beer Drinking and Brain Development A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster. The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter. Quality Control A quality control engineer of a latex company goes to visit and survey one of their sites. During his visit, the local plant's senior engineer is taking him through the production floor to show him the equipment and explain the procedure of the production of the latex products. During the tour, the visiting quality control engineer here an odd sound like..HISSS..HISSS..POP! HISSS..HISSS..POP! Now curious, the quality control engineer asks the local plant senior engineer..."what is that sound? What kind of machine is making this odd noise?" The local senior engineer replies that this is the machine which makes the latex baby bottle nipples. And the HISSS..HISSS sound is the machine pumping high amounts of air pressure into the latex nipple to test the durability of it. The "POP" sound, is the machine then piercing a hole in the tip of the nipple so that the liquid will pass through when a baby is suckling on it. The quality control engineer is impressed, and realizes that the HISSS.. HISSS..POP sound makes perfect sense. Strolling along the plant floor and observing the work environment and the machines, he comes encounters another odd noise. Now, the sound is HISSS..HISSS..HISS..POP! HISSS..HISSS..HISSS POP!! The quality control engineer turns to the local senior engineer and says... " why does this machine make such a different noise than the first machine? What does this machine do?" The local senior manager replies..."this machine makes prophylactics...you know...condoms, rubbers!" "Oh yes", the the quality control manager responds. "But, why does the machine make a POP sound? "Well" the local senior engineer responds..."it's because one in every four condoms gets a hole punctured in it!" "What on earth do we put holes in condoms for?", replies the quality control engineer. "I'm sure I do not know, sir", responds the local senior engineer, "but our baby nipple sales sure are up this year!" Hair Spray A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma." The Unfaithful Wife This guy decided one day to clean his home for some occasion.As he was searching the drawers of his wife's dressing table,he came upon a box.He opened the box and inside found three eggs and $2000.He was absolutely astonished. When his wife came home he asked her about the box but she refused to explain.He insisted,reminding his wife that they had been married for 50 years nad really shouldn't have any secrets between them. Finally his wife gave in and told him that she put an egg in the box every time she was unfaithful to him.He was shocked adn upset but finally came around.Three times in 50 years wasn't so awful. "And the $2000?',he asked. "Well",his wife explained,"every time I had a dozen eggs in there I sold them." Can't We All Just Get Along? Fred decides one day to go for a round of golf. He turns up at the club, pays his money and then asks where he can get someone to caddy for him. "Sorry, Sir," says the secretary, "being Saturday, everyone's out already. "However, seeing Fred's crestfallen expression, he continues "You can take out the shiny metal robot if you like." So, they bring out the shiny metal robot. It picks up Fred's clubs and follows him outside. Fred goes up to the first tee and is about to swing when the shiny metal robot coughs politely. "Sir," says the Shiny Metal Robot, "I feel I must point out that you are standing too close to the ball. If you take a step backwards, the ball will travel much straighter." Fred shrugs and takes a step backwards. He hits the ball and indeed it flies straight and lands on the fairway. Fred is amazed. So, Fred and the shiny metal robot trundle up to the ball. "Give me a 5 iron please", says Fred. "Sir," says the Shiny Metal Robot, "if you use a 5-iron, as you can see from the way the wind is blowing the trees it will blow your ball way off course. I suggest a 6-iron instead." Fred takes the 6 instead and indeed the ball sails across to land on the green. They walk across to the ball and Fred is about to putt. "Sir," says the shiny metal robot, "you will find you get much better control if you move your right hand down a bit." Fred obeys without question and [plunk] straight into the hole. The round continues like this, and Fred has the best day's golf he's ever had. The following Saturday, Fred turns up at the club again. "I don't want any old caddy, " he says to the secretary, "I want the shiny metal robot." "Sorry Sir," says the secretary. "We had to get rid of it." "Why?!" cries Fred. "Well, Sir, he was so shiny that other people were being put off their game by the light glinting off his shiny metal body." "Surely you could have solved that by painting him black?" Fred asks. "Oh, yes, that's what we did," says the secretary. "Then he kept coming in late, and things started going missing..." Happy Birthday! Two homosexuals come home from a long day at work. Bruce says to the other, "Something is wrong with my ass, it's been hurting all day and I cant figure out why." So the Andre wants to help and sticks a couple of fingers up Bruce's ass. Bruce says,"No, no go up further. I think something is stuck way up inside." So Andre, wanting to help, puts his arm up and says, "Wait I think I got it!" After pulling his arm out he says,"Oh my god, Bruce, its a watch!" Within seconds Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you!" Where's my pen? A doctor had come out of an examination room and begun to write a prescription. A nurse walked by and said, "Excuse me, Doctor, but you are trying to write with your thermometer." The doctor looked at the thermometer and said, "Dammit! Some asshole has my pen." Intellectual Property? Microsoft has announced a 54 million dollar lawsuit against Tomagotchi maker, Bandai. Microsoft is claiming that the Tomagotchi (the Japanese electronic pet that's all the rage with the kids) is an infringment of its intellectual property. Microsoft spokesperson, Erik Loregard stated "Software that needs constant, even hourly attention, or else it dies? Sounds like Windows to me. This is clearly an infringment on our technology". Random Offensives Q. What do you call a pretty girl in England? A. A tourist. Q. What is 1 mile long and has an asshole in the middle? A. Radar trap. Q. Did you hear about the Polish car pool? A. They all meet at work. Q. What happens when a Jew with an erection walks into a wall? A. He breaks his nose. Q. What were the two design flaws that plagued john denver's experimental plane? A. It wouldn't fly and it wouldn't float Q. Why are there no beggers in Amish County. A. You ever try geting change out of an Amish. Q. What's the difference between a Mercedes and Princess Diana? A. A Mercedes will easily reach 40. Q. Why couldn't Superman save Princess Di? A. Cause He's a fucking Quadriplegic!! Q. Why did Dodi invest in construction? A. He wanted to make a big impact on the concrete industry. Q. Did you hear that Di has something in common with George Burns? A. They both died when they hit a hundred. Q. Why did Elton John sing at the funeral? A. Because he's the only queen who cares. Q.Where did Jon-Benet Ramsey's parents take her for her birthday? A. The Abusement park (I think this is the joke that just bought me the non-refundable one-way ticket to Hell.......I wonder if there is a refundable ticket....) The Battle of the Sexes Continue..... Q. Why did god give men penises A. So we'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up Q. Why are hangovers better than women A. Hangovers will go away Q. What do you tell a battered wife with two black eyes? A. Nothing, you already told her twice. Q. Why do women have smaller feet than men? A. So they can get closer to the sink. Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A. Both of them. Q. why don't women blink during foreplay? A. Not enough time Women are like department stores....their clothes should always be half off. Women are like coolers... load them with beer and you can take them anywhere. Women are like horoscopes.... they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong. Men are like plungers... they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom. Men are like cement.... after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard. Men are like vacations.... they never seem to be long enough. --------------------------------------------------------------- Joke List 13 --------------------------------------------------------------- Sisters of Mercy A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business." "Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door". He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY. Pope's Meeting One day there was a knock on the Pope's office door. When he answered it, the salesman said, "Hello, my management team would like to discuss a proposal with you." After taking a seat in his office, the salesman said, "I am with Kentucky Fried Chicken. We would like to offer you a contract to the church if you can change the Lord's blessing from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'daily chicken'." The Pope said, "I'm sorry we just cannot do that." The salesman went back to his office where he discussed the outcome of the meeting. He returned to the Pope's office a week later with the same proposal, only he had upped the bid to 4 million. The Pope gently declined, again. The next week he came again and offered the Pope an offerring of 10 million. The Pope said, "Let me think it over." The Pope then called a meeting with the elders of the church and said, "Well gentlemen, I have good news and bad news. Kentucky Fried Chicken has generously offered us 10 million dollars to change the Lord's Prayer from 'daily bread' to 'daily chicken'. The bad new is that we will lose the Wonder Bread account. Two nuns Two nuns are hard at work painting the monastery. It is very, very hot and one nun says to the other, "Do you think it would be evil if we took our habits off since we're working so hard and it's so hot?" The other nun said, "Well, we're all alone and no one ever comes here, to the monastery, so it will be fine". So the nuns took their habits off and were painting in the nude when all of a sudden, a knock was heard at the door. "Who's there?" they cried in a panic. "The blind man," came the reply. "Well," said the first nun, "if he's blind, it won't make any difference." The nuns opened the door. "Nice tits!" said the man. "Where do you want me to put the blinds?" Rabbi and Priest A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God." The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?" The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police." What Do I Look Like? One day this man is getting ready for work when all of a sudden his wife comes in and says to him "Honey the washing macine is broken do you think you can fix it?" He looks at her and says "What do I look like, the Maytag man?" and he finishes getting ready for work...... Later on in the day while the husband is at work the wife calls up and says "Honey the sink is all stopped up do you think when you come home you can fix it?" Over the phone he says "What do I look like, the Rotor Rooter man?" and then he hangs up the phone..... That evening the husband came home after having a long day at the office and he just wanted to relax when all of a sudden the wife once again approaches him and says "Oh honey guess what?" Husband says "What?" The wife responds "the most incredable thing happened today the next door neighbor came over and he had heard about what was going on with the appliances and he offered to fix them. However he told me before he would fix them I either had to sleep with him or bake him cookies." The husband responds "So you made him cookies right?" She says "What do I look like, Betty Crocker?" The Pharmacist A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing. The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway? So he tells his clerk "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes." Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies "Your house." Psychiatric Hotline RING... RING... CLICK "Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline." If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want- just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press- no one will answer. Fidelity A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversery. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer can not take that all that away. But,.. I must know, did he have a different father?" The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did." The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?" Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says "You". Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day 10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. 9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half. 8. See if they could finally do splits. 7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet. 6. Cross their legs without rearranging. 5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes . . . BEFORE closing time. 4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first. 3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video. 2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too ...and, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina... 1. Finally find that damned G-spot. Top 15 Most Ironic Celebrity Deaths 15. Charleton Heston -- Shot by an ape cleaning its semi-automatic "hunting rifle" 14. Pamela Anderson Lee -- Boobytrap 13. Susan Lucci -- Tripped and broke her neck while running up steps to accept Emmy 12. Barry White -- Ambushed by a squad of confused Girl Scout leaders 11. Alanis Morissette -- Killed just after winning the lottery at age 98, in a car accident during a traffic jam on her own rainy wedding day while receiving a prepaid free ride from three women who look just like her but with worse hair. Whoa. 10. Anna Nicole Smith -- Suffocated while working out on a slant board 9. Jenny McCarthy -- Struck by a random thought 8. Keith Richards -- Natural causes 7. RuPaul -- Prostate cancer 6. Madonna -- Exposure 5. Al Gore -- Dutch Elm disease 4. Keanu Reeves -- Brain tumor 3. Marv Albert -- Hit by Victoria's Secret delivery truck outside of Carpet World 2. Pee Wee Herman -- Died by his own hand and the Number 1 Most Ironic Celebrity Death... 1. Gallagher -- Killed by Smashing Pumpkins Multiple Guess Quiz 1. A woman whispers "Fuck me now, big boy..." In your ear. She is obviously: a) Short sighted. b) Attempting to overcome a lack of self esteem through meaningless sexual gratification. c) Begging for it. d) A recording. 2. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as: a) Sex. b) Fucking. c) Enclosure. d) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town. 3. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared: a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship. b) Your Blood-test results. c) A cab. d) Five tequila slammers. 4. You time your orgasm so that: a) Your partner climaxes first. b) You both climax simultaneously. c) The director can set up for a close-up. d) You don't miss Sportsnight. 5. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: a) Strictly for cats. b) Healthy, creative love-play. c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to. d) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about. 6. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is: a) The best part of the experience. b) The second best part of the experience. c) A loathsome chore. d) $100 extra. 7. Your girlfriend says she's gained two kilos in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is: a) No concern of yours. b) No barrier to her finding a new boyfriend. c) No problem - she can join your gym. d) A conservative estimate. 8. Today's sensitive, caring man is: a) An ideal to which you aspire. b) A myth. c) An oxymoron. d) A moron. 9. Your girlfriend announces that she is pregnant. Do you: a) Take her in your arms and say: "Oh darling, this is the happiest day of my life..." b) Take her to bed and say: "I might as well get hung for a sheep as a lamb..." c) Take her to the abortion clinic. d) Take her phone number and tell her you'll get back to her. 10. A prostitute is: a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression. b) Someone who provides an essential service. c) A cheap date. d) A valued employee. 11. A wife is: a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression. b) Someone who provides an essential service. c) A cheap date. d) A valued employee. 12. Masturbation is: a) Sex with someone you love. b) A healthy exploration of your erogenous zones. c) A team sport. d) A cheap date. 13. How can you tell when your partner has an orgasm? a) When she drops her nail file. b) When she goes the colour of Man Utd's home strip (or a Chicago Bulls uniform) . c) When the Earth moves. d) Who cares? 14. It is the day after a one-night stand. Do you: a) Call her. b) Call your lawyer. c) Call your doctor. d) Call your wife. 15. Which of the following lines best fits into your ideal role-playing sexual fantasy: a) "Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a damn..." b) "I've got a nasty swelling down here, Nurse..." c) "You're a lovely, fluffy little sheep...." d) "Another consonant please, Carol...." 16. You take a woman out to dinner and the bill comes to $300. Do you expect: a) An overdraft. b) A blow job. c) Her to pay next time. d) A thank-you letter. 17. You call your penis: a) John Thomas. b) Terry-Thomas. c) Massive. d) On its birthday. 18. Foreplay is to sex as: a) Priming is to painting. b) Appetiser is to entree. c) Trailer is to feature. d) A queue is to an amusement park ride. 19. The slogan that sums up your sexual mores is: a) Free Lorena Bobbitt. b) Free Mike Tyson. c) Free Willy. d) Free condom with this survey. 20. During sex you: a) Haggle. b) Talk dirty. c) Talk of love. d) Talk on the phone. 21. Your local MP (Mayor) is involved in a lurid sex scandal. You are: a) Outraged. b) Implicated. c) Jealous. d) A Labour voter anyway. 22. A woman who consents to having sex with you when she is drunk is: a) Easier. b) Unfortunately, probably incapable of rational judgement. c) Fortunately, probably incapable of rational judgement. d) A tricky defence in court. 23. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship? a) "I hope we can still be friends." b) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you." c) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...." d) "Keep the change." 24. At what point do you put on the condom?: a) Before you go out. b) Before you pass out. c) As a party trick. d) Never. 25. You wake to find your partner clutching your penis in one hand and a carving knife in the other. Do you: a) Talk through her anger. b) Shout "Look behind you!" and make a run for it. c) Ask her to put down the offensive weapon. d) Ask her to put down the knife. 26. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate: a) Is uptight and a waste of time. b) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy. c) May need glasses. d) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place. Random Facts In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license. Dr. Seuss coined the word "nerd" in his 1950 book "If I Ran the Zoo." It takes 3000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun. The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1. Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars. The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order. When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year. It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs. The Bible has been translated into Klingon. Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands. Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka. Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants. On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined. Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California. Average lifespan of a major league baseball: 5 pitches. Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years. Average age of the Rolling Stones: 50.6. Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and chocolate. According to one study, 24% of Iawns have some sort of lawn ornament in their yard. Internationally, Baywatch is the most popular TV show in history. Ebonics to English Rap Translation The following song lyrics were translated from ebonics to standard English. Artist: Notorious B.I.G. Album: Ready to Die Song: One more chance (Lyrics) First things first, I poppa, freaks all the honeys Dummies - playboy bunnies, those wantin' money Those the ones I like 'cause they don't get nuthin' But penetration, unless it smells like sanitation Garbage, I turn like doorknobs Heart throb, never, black and ugly as ever However, I stay coochied down to the socks Rings and watch filled with rocks (Translation) As a general rule, I perform deviant sexual acts with women of all kinds, including but not limited to those with limited intellect, nude magazine models, and prostitutes.I particularly enjoy sexual encounters with the latter group as they are generally disappointed in the fact that they only receive penile intercourse and nothing more, unless of course, they douche on a consistent basis. Although I am extremely unattractive, I am able to engage in these types of sexual acts with some regularity. Perhaps my sexual prowess is somehow related to my fancy and expensive jewelery. (Lyrics) And my jam knock in the Mitsubishi Girls pee pee when they see me, Nava-hoes creep me in they tee pee As I lay down laws like I lay carpet Stop it - if you think your gonna make a profit (Translation) I enjoy playing my music loudly on my car stereo. Apparently, women enjoy this also because they become sexually aroused when they see me driving. Oddly enough, when I visit the Native American reservations, some of the more sexually promiscuous Indian women attempt to seduce me in their primitive homes.Their intent is to divest me of my earnings. Such actions are unacceptable (Lyrics) Don't see my ones, don't see my guns - get it Now tell ya friends Poppa hit it then split it In two as I flow with the Junior Mafia I don't know what the hell's stoppin' ya I'm clockin' ya - Versace shades watchin' ya Once ya grin, I'm in game, begin (Translation) Understand this fact: you can have neither my money, nor my weapons. I suggest that you inform your peers that we engaged in violent sexual acts. Currently, I am rapping with my associates, the Junior Mafia. I'm having some difficulty understanding why you refuse to approach me. I am attempting to make eye contact with you through my expensive glasses, and as soon as you respond with a smile, I will approach you. (Lyrics) First I talk about how I dress and this And diamond necklesses - stretch Lexuses The sex is just immaculate from the back I get Deeper and deeper - help ya reach the Climax that your man can't make Call and tell him you'll be home real late Let's sing the break (Translation) I prefer to open the conversation with light banter about my wardrobe and jewelery, then I like to discuss my collection of expensive cars.This is more than enough to convince you to have sexual intercourse with me.I am able to insert my penis further into you when I enter you from behind. Furthermore, you will be able to reach orgasm.I understand this to be a problem with your current sexual partner. He needn't be concerned about your whereabouts.Please phone him and inform him that you won't be home for a while. By the way, please sing the chorus of this song for me also. (Lyrics) She's sick of that song on how it's so long Thought he worked his until I handled my biz There I is - major pain like Damon Wayans Low down dirty even like his brother Keenan Schemin' - don't bring your girl 'round me True player for real, ask Puff Daddy (Translation) Your current love interest no longer wishes to hear your fabrications about the length of your ember. After I had sexual intercourse with your woman, she became enlightened as to the proper way it is supposed to be performed; violently and immorally.It would be in your best interest to keep your woman away from me as my sexual prowess is very strong.If you are unconvinced, ask Puff Daddy (Lyrics) You - ringin' bells with bags from Chanel Baby Benz, traded in your Hyundai Excel Fully equipped, CD changer with the cell She beeped me, meet me at twelve (Translation) Despite the fact that you attempted to win her at her doorstep with bags full of expensive clothes and a car (the lower end model Mercedes Benz which you financed by signing over your current vehicle) containing an expensivestereo and a cellular phone, your woman has contacted me through my pager indicating that we should rendezvous at midnight. (Lyrics) Where you at? Flippin' jobs, playin' car notes? While I'm swimmin' in ya woman like the breast stroke Right stroke, left stroke what's the best stroke Death stroke - tongue all down her throat Nuthin' left to do but send her home to you I'm through - can ya sing the song for me, boo? (Translation) You, on the other hand, jump from job to job, barely able to maintain payments on the Mercedes Benz you purchased for your woman. Meanwhile, I continue to engage in sexual intercourse and commit lewd osculatory acts with your woman.My only remaining option is to request that she leave my home and return to you because I have reached orgasm and no longer have a need for her presence. (Lyrics) So, what's it gonna be? Him or me? We can cruise the world with pearls Gator boots for girls The envy of all women, crushed linen Cartier wrist-wear with diamonds in 'em The finest women I love with a passion Ya man's a wimp, I give that ass a good thrashin' (Translation) The ultimate decision rests with you. Whom do you choose as your sexual partner?I can take you on cruises around the world. I will dress you in the finest jewelery and footwear.You will be envied by women worldwide in your fine clothes and jewelery. There is a special place in my heart for beautiful women. I will defeat your man in an altercation because he is effeminate. (Lyrics) High fashion - flyin' into all states Sexin' me while your man masturbates Isn't this great? Your flight leaves at eight Her flight lands at nine, my game just rewinds Lyrically I'm supposed to represent I'm not only the client, I'm the player president (Translation) You will be dressed in finest clothes on the runways of Paris. I will fly you to every state to shop for fine clothes and jewelery. You will enjoy sexual intercourse with me and your man will be forced to pleasure himself through manual stimulation.What a life! I'll return you to LaGuardia in time to catch your 8 o'clock flight.The timing is perfect becuase I have scheduled a date with a second woman who arrives at the same gate at 9 o'clock.I'll seduce her in the same way that I seduced you.I rap well and I am a positive reflection of my hometown. Not only am I a sexually deviant, misogynistic, immoral, wealthy, male prostitute, but I am also chief executive officer of the record company that distributes this recording. Doctor's Advice A recent bride accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor took the bride aside and said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die: 1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast, including hot chocolate and Belgium waffles, and send him off to work with a kiss on his cheek and in a good mood. 2. At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work. 3. For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores. 4. At night, have sex with him several times a week. Be tender with him, do whatever he asks you to do as if you were on another honeymoon, and satisfy his every whim." Afterwards, on the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said. "You're going to die" she replied. Martian Visitors A young couple is living on a farm. One evening a flying saucer lands on the farm, right next to their house. Out the flying saucer steps a young Martian couple, and they look very much like humans. The earth woman invites the Martians for dinner. They all sit down and start talking. They begin exchanging ideas and traditions, and they get to liking each other so much that they decide to switch partners for the night. The farmer and the Martian's wife go into one of the rooms, and the farmer's wife and the Martian man into the room. As the Martian man takes off his pants, the farmer's wife looks down & sees that his phallus is extremely small. "What are you gonna do with that?" she says. "I'll show you," he says, and proceeds to twist his right ear. Suddenly his penis extends to a foot & a half. However, it is still only as thick as a pencil. "That's pretty long," says the woman, "but it s really not very wide." The Martian then reaches up, twists his left ear, and then becomes thick as a huge sausage. They then proceed to have sex. The next morning, the Martians take off & the farmer and his wife are having breakfast. "So, how was it?" asks the farmer. "It was great," says the wife, "the best sex I've ever had! How was yours?" "Well," says the farmer, "it was kinda weird. All night long she kept playing with my ears." Royal Flush vs. a Pair Lady Diana and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in. St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity." St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Diana the same question. Diana drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may go in. Have a nice day." Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about?! I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, and she gets in and I don't??!!!" "Sorry, Dolly, but a royal flush beats a pair any day." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Joke List 14 ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Racial Discrimination First grade class comes in from recess. Teacher asks Alice: "What did you do at recess?" Alice says, "I played in the sand box." Teacher says "that's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie." She does and gets a cookie. Teacher asks Billy what he did at recess. Billy says, "I played with Alice in sand box." Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'Box" correctly on blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." Billy does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess. He says, "I tried to play with Alice and Billy, but they threw rocks at me." Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie." Paradise A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian." Random Offensives "Mommy, Mommy, can I lick the bowl?" "Shut up and flush." "Mommy, Mommy, what's an Oedipus complex?" "Shut up and kiss me" "Mommy, Mommy, why are you moaning?" "Shut up an keep licking!" "Daddy, Daddy, what's a transvestite?" "Shut up and unhook my bra" Q. What's the difference between sin and shame? A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out. Q. What do you call a chinese man behide a cash register? A. Ching Ching Q. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong ? A. Made her chain too long. Q. Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles? A. He was half nuts. Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass? A. Very satisfying. Q. What do you say to a lesbian with no arms and no legs? A. Nice tits. Bitch. Q. What do you say to a girl with no tits? A. Q. What kind of a file would you use to make a small hole bigger? A. Pedophile. Q. Why aren't there any Mexicans on the starship enterprise? A. Because they don't work in the future either. Q. Why don't the cheerleaders in San Francisco where short skirts? A. Because when they sit down, their balls hang out. Q. Did you hear they came out with a Penthouse for married men? A. It has the same centerfold every month. Q. What do you call a hundred blacks behind a barn? A. Outdated farm equiptment. Q. What's meaner than a pit bull with AIDS? A. The guy who gave it to him. Q. What did the turd say to the ass-hole? A. I don't ever wanna go through THAT again. Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?" A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started." Little Johnny the Fireman A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little Johnny was wearing a red fire man's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly. Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck." "Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren." Top Dr. Seuss Titles That Were Rejected 1. The Cat in the Blender 2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert 3. Fox in Detox 4. Who Shat in the Hat? 5. Horton Hires a Ho 6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax 7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day 8. Your Colon Can Moo--Can You? 9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil 10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch 11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out! 12. Are You My Proctologist? 13. Yentl the Lentil 14. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket 15. Aunts in My Pants 16. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff! 17. Horton Fakes an Orgasm 18. The Grinch's Ten Inches The Top 35 Worst Pick-Up Lines 1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here! 2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw 3. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good 4. Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be 5. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money? 6. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock. 7. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you 8. My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going 9. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too 10. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away 11. You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're the Bomb. 12. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous. 13. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants. 14. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one? 15. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter. 16. Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long. 17. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon. 18. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag. 19. If you were a car, I'd wax you and ride you all over town. 20. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I've seem to have lost mine. 21. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house. 22. If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays? 23. I love every bone in your body - especially mine. 24. Excuse me, do you wanna fuck, or should I apologize? 25. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. 26. Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead? 27. I lost my bed, can I borrow yours? 28. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy. 29. My recipe for love is one cup of you, one cup of me, knead till hard, and serve hot. 30. Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long. 31. Hey baby, I'm like American Express, you don't want to leave home without me. 32. Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams. 33. The word for the night is legs, legs go back to my room and spread the word. 34. Was you dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons. 35. You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that. Young Priest A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. On his way there two nuns look at him and he says, "Good morning sisters." and they reply in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite but he just goes on. He encounters a Brother a little while later along the way and he says,"Good morning Brother." The Brother replies in a sing song voice, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." The priest looks confused at all this but goes on. He gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he says, "Good morning Father." The priest replies in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Now the priest was mad. He continues his walk to the dinning hall not saying a word to anyone. The Bishop sees him and says, "Father ..." The young priest was not going to take any more even from the Bishop. He looks at the Bishop and says, "No I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!" The Bishop looks at him stunned and says, "What?" The priest realized his mistake and said "I am sorry your Holiness, what is it you want?" The Bishop looks at him and says, "All I was going to do was ask you why the hell you have on Sister Mary's shoes." Letter of Recommendation Memo to: the Director Subject: Letter of Recommendation Bob Smith, an assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be sent away as soon as possible. - TLP Project Leader (Later that afternoon another memo was sent...) Memo to: the Director Subject: Letter of Recommendation Sorry about that earlier memo, Bob was reading over my shoulder as I wrote it. Kindly read every other line (i.e. 1, 3, 5, 7...) for my true assessment of him. Regards, TLP Project Leader Saddle Up! A blonde had a near death experience the other day when she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started galloping out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. With her foot caught in the stirrup as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as she was about to give up all hope, and was losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged it. I2: Insemination Day A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do some business. "That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I've hung a nail by the right stall so's you know which one I want him to impregnate." Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left for town. That afternoon, the "Inseminator" arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail. "There's the nail so this is the cow right here." she tells him. "What's the nail for?" the guy asks. Replies the wife, "I guess its to hang up your pants." Porn Movie Parodies 1/ Pulp Friction , Gulp Fiction (Pulp Fiction) 2/ Jurrasic Cock (Jurrasic Park) 3/ Poke-your-anus (Pocahontas) 4/ Ass Ventura - Dick Detective (Ace Ventura - Pet Detective) 5/ Sin-derella (Cinderella) 6/ Rambone (Rambo) 7/ Babe Wire (Barb Wire) 8/ Cherry Busters (Ghost Busters) 9/ Fun and Funner (Dumb and Dumber) 10/ The Sack (The Mask) 11/ Doloris Playmore (Doloris Claiborne) 12/ Deep Mother (Deep Cover) 13/ Air Playing (Air Plane) 14/ Dangerous Hinds (Dangerous Minds) 15/ Desperate "Otto" (Desperado) 16/ Cunt Less (Clueless) 17/ Cunt Go (Congo) 18/ Secret to my Suck-sess (Secret to my Sucksess) 19/ Virginousity (Virtuosity) 20/ Sackers (Hackers) 21/ Strange Ways (Strange Days) 22/ Something to Cum About (Something to Talk About) 23/ Tales from the Hips - Semen Knight (Tales from the Crypt - ...) 24/ Cockers (Clockers) 25/ Stay Hard (Die Hard) 26/ Richie's Bitch (Richie Rich) 27/ Twist-her (Twister) 28/ Beauty in the feast (Beauty and the Beast) 29/ Blood Squirt (Blood Sport) 30/ Nowhere to Cum (Nowhere to Run) 31/ Moby's Dick (Moby Dick) 32/ How and When (Now and Then) 33/ The Tie I can't Find (The Tie that Binds) 34/ The Cum Men (The Gun Men) 35/ The Unfuckables (The Untouchables) 36/ Clit Hanger (Cliff Hanger) 37/ Nine Humps (nine Months) 38/ The Pussy's Free (The Prophecy) 39/ The Hooker's Wife (The Butcher's Wife) 40/ White Men can't Hump (White Men can't Jump) 41/ Crimson Hind (Crimson Tide) 42/ To Cum For (To Die For) 43/ The Bitches of Madison County (The Bridges of Madison County) 44/ Dick of Time (Nick of Time) 45/ The Maddam's Family (The Addams Family) 46/ Independence Night (Independence Day) Fart Facts & Fallacies Q: Is it true that too much farting can cause blindness or sterility? A: NO! There is absolutely no scientific evidence to support this fallacy. It was probably created by parents who were afraid of their children abusing the fart. Q: Do beans really warrant their reputation as a fart maker? A: YES. Beans and other pulses (dried edible seeds) contain an antipyretic factor that interferes with the digestion of proteins. The undigested protein is worked on by bacteria to produce flatus. Fried foods also produce a lot of gas because they are so difficult to digest; a lot is left for the bacteria to work on. Q: Does excitement enhance farting? A: YES. Anything that speeds food through the digestive system (as excitement does) will create undigested food material reaching the colon, creating a feast for bacteria. Q: Is it true that farts are flammable? A: YES. Any college student can tell you that methane and hydrogen, if lit, will produce a gem-like flame. Q: Is Man at the top of the fart world? A: NO. Although well up on the scale of farters, man can't hold a candle to some of nature's farters. Man produces 400-1200 cc of flatus per day.A cow, whose diet is totally plant material, produces 300,000-600,000 cc of gas per day. But the real gas guzzlers, ranking number one on the "toot meter", are the elephants, whose flatulence production runs into the millions of cc's per day. Q: Is garlic a gas producer as well? A: Garlic inhibits the growth of bacteria and therefore REDUCES the amount of flatus. Q: Is it true that the extinction of the dinosaurs can be attributed to the fart? A: VERY POSSIBLE. The extinction of the dinosaur and the rise of the mammal coincide at about 70 million years ago has led scientists to the "furry fart theory." With the mammals came the first true farts. The addition of extra methane and hydrogen sulfide to the air polluted the dinosaurs and thus led to their slow extinction. Q: Is Gustav Andre Stool, the famous farting ventriloquist, still alive? A: YES. Now 83, the famous nightclub entertainer of the late 1940's, Stool presently resides in Miami Beach. During the late 40's and early 50's he amazed audiences around the country with his ability to throw a fart across the stage and into the audience. By the middle 50's his act ran out of steam. No longer in demand, he withdrew into seclusion. Surfacing again in the late 60's, full of bitterness, he secretly toured the country embarrassing dignitaries and show business types by throwing his farts at inopportune times. His final "performance" came at the second inauguration of Richard Nixon. Standing in the audience, some 100 feet from the stand, Stool threw his fart right at Nixon right in the middle of the swearing in. At that moment the Chief Justice turned to a colleague and was heard to whisper, "An ominous air hovers over this administration." Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. You know I really should call you back later... Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness" Bo! Bo! Comeback with that! Bad Dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? Damn, there go the lights again... "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off What's this doing here? I hate it when they're missing stuff in here. That's cool! now can you make his leg twitch?! I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right? What do mean he wasn't in for a sex change...! Anyone see where I left that scalpel? And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough. What do you mean "You want a divorce"! She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!! FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out! Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing! Info for Women The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most often asked questions of women (ie. relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below. Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex? A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact. Q: Should I have sex on the first date? A: YES. Before if possible. Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex? A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway. Q: How long should the sex act last? A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready. Q: What is "afterplay"? A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift. Q: Does the size of the penis matter? A:Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare &, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift. Q: What about the female orgasm? A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth. Bill Gates Wealth Index Most people will have read the recent reports of how Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates has had his personal net worth soar over 40 billion dollars. He certainly knows how to make money. Consider that he made this money in the 22 years or so since Microsoft was founded in 1975. If you presume that he has worked 14 hours a day on every business day of the year since then, that means he's been making money at a staggering half-million dollars per hour, *around $150 per second.* Which means that if, on his way into the office, should he see or drop a $500 bill on the ground, it's just not worth his time to bend over and pick it up. He would make more just heading off to work. We're assuming about 4 seconds to bend down and pocket the bill. Of course he can afford to hire people to follow him and pick up any $500 bills he may drop. Not that he would, fortunately he doesn't quite think of his wealth or time this way. When I first calculated this, it was only a $20 bill, and then for some time it was a $100 bill. I remember speaking to him at a conference some years ago thinking, "$31 per second, $31 per second" as we talked. I didn't mention this. It's perhaps more disturbing to look at the slope of his appreciation this year. From January to July he's gained some $16 Billion, meaning that at the rate he's going, if he sees a $10,000 bill, he's just as well to pass it by. (They do exist, but he won't see one until he buys the U.S. treasury-they are not circulated. Salmon Chase, former secretary of the treasury and chief justice, is on it.) If it's a pile of cash he has to count, it's even worse. At $2,500 per second so far this year, they would have to be thousand-dollar Bills-and he would need to have a quick hand-to avoid him losing the money in wasted time while he's counting them. Counting $500 bills would be very unprofitable. The "Too-small-a-bill-for-Bill" index has gone up quite a bit over the years. When Microsoft went public in 1986, the new multimillionaire only had to leave behind $5 bills. Bill Gates Dollars Another way to examine this sort of wealth is to compare it to yours. Consider the average American of reasonable but modest wealth. Perhaps she has a net worth of $100,000. Mr. Gates' worth is 400,000 times larger. Which means that if something costs $100,000 to her, to Bill it's as though it costs 25 cents. You can work out the right multiplier for your own net worth. So for example, you might think a new Lambourghini Diablo would cost $250,000, but in Bill Gates dollars that's *63 cents*. That fully loaded, multimedia active matrix 233 MHZ laptop with the 1024x768 screen you've been drooling after? *A penny*. A nice home in a rich town like Palo Alto, California? *Two dollars*. You might spend $100 on tickets, food and parking to take your family to see an NHL hockey game. Bill, on the other hand could buy _the team_ for *100 Bill-bills*. You might buy a plane ticket on a Boeing 747 for $1200 at full-fare coach. In Bill-bills, Mr. Gates could buy *three 747s*. One for him, one for Melinda and one for young Jennifer Katherine. Evan Marcus a Systems Engineer from Fair Lawn, New Jersey who maintains a Bill Gates Net Worth Page on his web site, notes that Bill could buy every single major league team in Baseball, Football, Basketball and Hockey for only about 35% of his net worth-plenty left over to buy a European sport. Of course then he wouldn't have around $150 for every person in the USA as he does now. Nor could he still give $6.70 to every person on the planet. Marcus suggests that Bill could only pay Michael Jordan's 1997 salary only 1300 times, but that he could buy 902 million subscriptions to TV guide. He's also fascinated by how much much all this money would be if put into dollar bills. Laid end to end, the Bills would stretch 3.8 million miles-to the moon and back over 8 times. They could paper over all of Manhatten 7 times, or be stacked 2,690 miles high-watch out for satellites. They would weigh 40,000 tons -- 100 times the weight of one of those 747s he bought above. But one thing Marcus says Bill can't do is even dent the national debt. Should he selflessly donate his stock to the U.S. treasury, he would reduce the $5.37 trillion national debt by well under 1%. It's nice to put things in perspective. Dating in the 90's Men often find blowing off a chick the most difficult part of the dating process. The closest they ever come to telling a chick it's over is to look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week." But now there is a great way to shut her down. It?s safe. It's affordable, and the best part is, the chick has no opportunity to throw things at you. And it's at your fingertips right now. E-mail rejection. That's right. E-Mail. That's how all the happening, 90s kinds of guys are telling chicks they're not worthy. You'll feel like a real man, knowing you've told her how you really feel -- from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete her response without ever reading it. What could be more painless? The following is an E-mail rejection letter: Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on waivers. Hope it comes in handy. Dear (her name) or babe, I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well- qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available or I become extremely horny. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition: (Check those that apply) ___ Your surprise at learning Paul McCartney was indeed in another band prior to Wings revealed you do not meet my age requirements. ___ Your failure to reach for your purse even in a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics. ___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for this position. ___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself. ___ The only question you asked was how much money I make. ___ You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you. ___ My breasts are bigger than yours. ___ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application. ___ Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless. ___ The way you enthusiastically jumped up on the stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality. ___ Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously. ___ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time. Sincerely, Your Name (Optional) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Joke List 15 ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Top 15 Signs You've Caught the Chicken Flu 10. Uuncontrollable urge to defecate on the windshield of your neighbor's Ford Escort. 9. Mom makes you a nice hot bowl of human soup. 8. You feel a darkening in the force, as though a million little chicken souls were suddenly snuffed out. 7. You just served your kids regurgitated cornmeal for dinner again. 6. You have the strange urge to smother your breasts with spaghetti sauce & parmesan cheese. 5. Showing your pecker in public no longer results in an embarrassing arrest. 4. Sudden irrational fear of hot sauce and blue cheese dressing. 3. Your new marketing plan wasn't the only thing that laid an egg at the staff meeting. 2. Suddenly, you're deliriously happy to work for chicken feed. and the Number 1 Sign You've Caught the Chicken Flu... 1. Suicidal urge to climb into a hot tub full of boiling teriyaki sauce or a big plastic bag of Shake 'n' Bake. All I Want..... When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big tits. In high school, I dated a girl with big tits, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned. Now all I want is a girl with big tits Top 5 Changes at the White House w/ Buddy 5. "Bitch" label now somewhat ambiguous. 4. Chelsea drops to #2 on the White House Pug-Ugly List. 3. Pipe and slipper retrieval removed from Al Gore's daily to-do list. 2. "Get that horny furball off my leg!" no longer refers exclusively to the President. 1. Cries of "What a dog!" no longer make Janet Reno burst into tears at State dinners. The Top 11 Web Pages Least Likely to Prosper 12 www.Al-Gore-In-2000.org 11 www.drscholls.com/foot/fungus/images 10 www.chi-cubs.com/worldseries 9 www.dentistry.com/drill.wav 8 www.sony.com/products/betamax 7 www.microsoft.com/bloatedcode/downloads 6 www.nails~on~blackboard.com 5 www.kerristrugmania.com 4 www.oj.com/help_find_killers 3 www.marcelmarceau.com/chat 2 www.amish.org/amish_women/pictures And the Number 1 Web Page Least Likely to Prosper... 1 www.willardscott.com/showercam Top Ten Rejected Chirstmas Toys Of 1997 10. Pickle Me Elmo Have hours of fun getting sauced with Sesame Street's lovable red hooch monger. Johnny Walker Black included. 9. "Aberdeen Army" Barbie A modern military lady with a slight limp and a story to tell. "Sodomy Sergeant" Ken sold separately. 8. Nintendo 666 It's not a video game system ... it's a gateway straight to Hell! Invite your friends over for a game of Super Mario and have hours of fun sacrificing them to your new dark master. Redemption NOT included. 7. Microsoft's "TWA 800" Flight Simulator Enjoy seconds of fun as you pilot a commercial airliner into eternity! Comes on one 3.5 floppy and takes up only the memory of the friends and family. This is diffidently a "smoking" flight! 6. GI Joe "Mission to Bosnia" Play set Join Joe and his mercenary pals as they fly thousands of miles, set up camp, and then do absolutely nothing! The set comes with bright blue, easy-to-target-with-a-sniper-rife helmets and fully "unloaded" M-16s. 5. Pedophile Theatre Presents "Boy Story" on home video. Toy's don't always come to life .... but sometimes "Uncle Ernie" comes over to baby-sit. 4. Michael Jordan "Space Scam" Action Figure It's a small piece of plastic that doesn't do squat but you'll feel just like your dealing with the real MJ because it cost's 25 million dollars and you only get to keep it till next Christmas. 3. "Gates-opoly" from Parker Brothers Just like the old "Monopoly" but only one person can play and you start the game with all the property on the board and all the money in the bank. You then spend the next few fun filled hours trying to buy or destroy all of the other Parker Brothers board games. 2. XXX-Files Action Figures Now you can do what Mulder and Scully should a been doing many season's ago.... rutting like wild boars in heat! No UFO's. No bigfoot. No scar-faced, telepathic serial killers.... just hours of meaningless sex in a cheap hotel on the FBI's Amex card. The truth may be "out there" but the quality lovin' is "right here". 1. Disney Automobile Air Bags Fast moving, potentially lethal car safety equipment adorned with all your favorite Disney characters! Watch your child's last moment's on Earth be filled with joy as he is greeted head on by a smiling, 200 mph visage of Mickey, Minnie, Donald or Goofy! ("BatWatch" and "Seinfeld" characters available for small adults). Season's Greetings Money's short, times are hard, here's your fucking, Christmas card. Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, everyone felt shitty, even the mouse. Mom at the whorehouse, Dad smoking grass. I'd just settled down, for a nice peace of ass. When out on the lawn, i heard such a clatter. I sprung from my piece, to see whats the matter. Then out on the lawn, i saw a big dick. I knew in a moment, it must be Saint Nick. He came down the chimney, like a bat out of hell. I knew in a moment, the old fucker fell. He filled all our stockings, with pretzels and beer. And a big rubber dick, for my brother the queer. He rose up the chimney, with a thunderous fart. The son of a bitch, blew the chimney apart. He swore and he cursed, as he rode out of sight. Piss on you all, and have a good night. Finally, I'm In The Movies Jerry is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he's excited. He's especially thrilled because he got to take two long solos. After the sessions, which went great, Jerry can't wait to see the finished product. He asked the producer where and when he could catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explained that the music was for a porno flick that will be out in a month, and he told Jerry where he can go to see it. A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, went to the theatre where the picture is playing. He walked in and sat way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding. The movie started, and it was the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever...group sex, S&M, golden showers...and then, halfway through, a dog got in on the action. Before anyone could blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women, in every orifice; and most of the men. Embarrassed, Jerry turned to the old couple and whispered, "I'm only here for the music." The woman turned to Jerry and whispered back, "That's okay, we're here to see our dog." THE TOP 16 FATAL THINGS TO SAY TO YOUR PREGNANT WIFE 16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds." 15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!" 14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!" 13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl." 12. "Damn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella." 11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt." 10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!" 9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?" 8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?" 7. "Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!" 6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today." 5. "Got milk?" 4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney." 3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!" 2. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water." and the Number 1 Fatal Thing to Say to Your Pregnant Wife... 1. "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger, Lardass." THE MOST VENOMOUS SNAKE IN THE WORLD NAME: Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake) LOCATION: Throughout the world DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and sub- species. SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower frontal abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling occurs followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. It has been known to attack men in the lower posterior section, resulting in an incurable disease and consequent death. HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places. ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body, only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men. * WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED * TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected. CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the initial bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow. SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reportedly successful. MILKING THE SNAKE: 1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front. 2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion. 3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, starting to spit. 4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last known time the snake attacked. 5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 15 - 20 minutes. CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin and when treated with the right kind of respect, makes a wonderful pet. --------- End forwarded message ---------- ------------------------------------------------------------------- Joke List 16 ------------------------------------------------------------------- Charlie Brown in the 90's A few years ago Charlie Brown and the Peanuts gang made a new friend who developed leukemia in an animated special entitled, "Why Me, Charlie Brown?" Recently MetLife put out a series of instructional pamphlets which feature the gang dealing with contemporary issues. Peanuts specials for kids of the 90's: We learn about VD in: "IT BURNS WHEN I PEE, CHARLIE BROWN" Charlie and the little red-headed girl learn about unwanted pregnancy in: "I'M STARTING TO SHOW, CHARLIE BROWN!" Is Linus gay? "ITS A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, CHARLIE BROWN" Charlie moves back to his house in East L.A in: "OYE! VATO! QUE PASA, CARLITO MORENO?" See how the Peanuts Gang deals with date rape in: "NO MEANS NO, CHARLIE BROWN!" Discover a father's forbidden love in: "IT'S OUR LITTLE SECRET, CHARLIE BROWN" Franklin speaks! The Peanuts gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in: "IMO BUSTA CAP INYO ASS, CHARLIE BROWN" What goes on the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner workings of Pig Pen's twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego "Mr. Clean" in: "GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT, CHARLIE BROWN" Schroder teaches the Peanuts gang about getting high in: "ROLL US A FAT ONE, CHARLIE BROWN!" Charlie Brown gets his first job in: "WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT, CHARLIE BROWN?" Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing social security checks and stripping cars in: "GO BLAME SOCIETY, CHARLIE BROWN" Peppermint Patty 'goes to town' on Marcie in: "WHO NEEDS MEN, CHARLIE BROWN?" Charlie gets an AOL account and stays up all night long in: "WELCOME!... YOU HAVE MAIL, CHARLIE BROWN" PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY OBITUARY Veteran Pillsbury spokes model, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, Chef Boyardee and the Hostess Twinkies. The grave site was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy describing Fresh as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Fresh rose quickly in show business, but later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. Furnace Filter A seventy-five-year-old guy whose hair is completely white marries a twenty-two year-old girl, and she gets pregnant. Nine months later, he walks into the maternity ward and says to the nurse, "Well, how'd I do?" The nurse says, "She had twins" He says, "Heh, heh, heh. Well, I guess that goes to show, that even if there's snow on the roof, there can still be fire in the furnace." She says, "Yeah? Well, then you'd better change filters. Both of the babies are black.' TOP TEN SIGNS IT'S TIME TO STOP BREASTFEEDING 10. Child can now open your blouse by himself. 9. The kid starts burping up silicone. 8. Child has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue. 7. The little one keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt. 6. Child demands that you express for his cafe latte. 5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine. 4. After each session, you both have a smoke. 3. Child invites his friends over for dinner. 2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to hear "Dueling Banjos." And the number one sign... 1. Beard abrasions on areola. Mother Loves Goats A door to door salesman is making his rounds through the neighborhood and knocks on the next house on his list. A little boy answers the door and the salesman says, "Hi, is your mother in?" "Yes, said the boy, she's out in the back yard screwing the goat." "No," says the salesman, "I don't believe it!" The boy says, "Come and see for yourself." So the salesman looked in the back yard, and sure enough, there was the mom bent over with a large goat screwing her from behind. The salesman said to the boy, "Isn't she afraid she'll get pregnant?" The boy says, "N-a-a-a-a-a-a-" Two Blondes Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left". Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left". An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left". One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day". Attempted Suicide A blonde walked into the doctors office with a hole in her hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound! The blonde said, "Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide, and first stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don't want to ruin it, so I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don't want to ruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don't want to ruin them! So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is going to be loud... THE TOP FIVE THINGS OVERHEARD IN THE WHITEHOUSE LAST WEEK. 5. Sir, Ted Kennedy, Bob Packwood, & Marv Albert want to confirm your golf date 4. Oh, I always thought that said "Thou Shalt not ADMIT Adultery." 3. Bill, it would not be an improper relationship -- I'm your WIFE! 2. Al get out of my chair 1. You Know only one thing is clear -- NO ONE is having an improper relationship with Janet Reno Dumb Quotes Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana...The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are. --Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22 Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C. The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this century's history...We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century. -- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe. -- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post. -- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island Seinfeld Guide To Sex Backed Up: Glandular condition that men get from not having sex. Bad Breaker-Upper: Someone who ends a relationship by saying those mean things that people don't mean - but means them. Home-Bed Advantage: The confident feeling one gets while making love in one's own surroundings. "It didn't take": George's explanation for Susan's short-lived experimentation with lesbianism. The "It's-not-you-it's-me" routine: Breakup method to which George lays claim. Love: A spice with many tastes, according to Newman. Make-up Sex: The best feature of a heavy relationship; eclipsed only by "conjugal-visit sex". Master of your Domain: One who can refrain from masturbation. (Also: Lord of the Manor, King of the County, Queen of the castle.) Public Fornicator: A porn actor. Put in: The length of time one has to keep up a relationship after a sexual liaison. Elaine suggests three weeks. Sexual Camel: Someone who can go great lengths of time without sex. Sexual Perjury: Faking it. Shrinkage: Physical reaction men have to cold water. Slip One Past the Goalie: To impregnate a woman. Stopping Short: Frank Costanza's technique to cop a feel in the car. The Switch: Dating a woman, then dating her roommate after the breakup. Has never been done successfully. The Tap: Sign a woman uses to stop oral sex, sort of like the manager coming to the mound and asking for the ball. Stand By Me A man was walking across the road when he met the accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be comatosed for two days before he finally regained consciousness. When open his eyes, his wife was there beside him. He held her hands and said meaningfully : "You have always been beside me. When I was a struggling university student, I failed again and again. And sometimes, even my re-papers as well. You were always there beside me, encouraging me to go on trying.." She squeezed his hands as he continued :"When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me, cutting out more ads for me to apply..." He continued "Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And you were there beside me." Then I finally got another job after being laid off for sometime. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognized. As such, I remained in the same position from te day I join the company till now... And you were there beside me" Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband :"And now I had an accident and when I woke up, you are here beside me.... ....There's something I'll really like to say to you..." She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, and sobbing with emotion. "I think you really bring me bad luck, you bitch." Women's Advice to Men The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim. If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's the butts. If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie. Don't fret if you find out that the milkman delivers more than once a day. Please don't drive when you're not driving. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime. Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths you take. If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts. If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"? Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care. When you're not around, I belch loudly, too. Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life--you'll never see the 'island' coming. Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist. Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that y chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level. Your balding is a good thing--it subsidizes our hair care expenses. Useless Facts If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. Nearly a third of all bottled drinking water purchased in the US is contaminated with bacteria. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over 1 million descendents. You are more likely to be struck by lightning that to be eaten by a shark. You are more likely to be infected by flesh-eating bacteria than you are to be struck by lightning. If you urinate when swimming in a South American river, you may encounter the candiru. Drawn to warmth, this tiny fish is known to follow a stream of urine to its source, swim inside the body, and flare is barbed fins. It will remain firmly embedded in the flesh until surgically removed. The soft plastic headphones used on airplanes create a warm, moist environment in the ear canal that is ideal for breeding bacteria. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times. On a plane, if the passenger in your seat on the incoming flight had serious gas, then you are sitting on a cushion full of disease-causing microbes. Four sunken nuclear submarines sit at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. One, a Russian sub resting in deep water off of Bermuda, holds 16 live nuclear warheads. Scientists and oceanographers are unsure what the impact of the escaping plutonium will have, but warn that corrosion could create the proper chemical environment for a massive nuclear chain reaction. In 1994, electromagnetic interference (EMI) from a nearby cellular telephone captivated a power wheelchair at a scenic vista in Colorado, sending the passenger over a cliff. If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles? More people working in advertising died on the job in 1996 than died while working in petroleum refining. HOW TO MESS WITH THE I.R.S. Internal Revenue Service: An agency of the government to whom Americans pay taxes on their salary Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put a row of them down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples in the right side. Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to: remove all your staples, rearrange your paperwork, and then re-staple it (on the left side). Line the bottom of your envelope with elmer's glue and let it dry before you put in your forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand. If you're one of the many unfortunates who owe money, be sure to make your payment using a two or if possible, three party check. Make the three party check payable for the amount you owe minus one dollar. Pay that one dollar in cash. Any cash recieved, no matter how small an amount, has to be taken to a special desk, and accompanied by a few nasty forms. Write a little note of appreciation. Any correspondance received has to be read and stamped regardless of its content or what material it's written on. Be sure to compose your note on something misshapen and unconventional. For instance, the back of a Kroger sack. When you send your return, mail it in a BIG envelope (even if it's just a single EZi form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with the mess you have created for them. If you send 2 checks, they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form. Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Foreign fasteners of any kind must be removed and put away. Sign your name in ink on every page. Each occurance of a signature must be individually verified and date stamped. These are just a few of the thousands of possible fun and entertaining games you can play with the tax man. Please note: These methods are generally recommended only when you owe money. Top 70 Things Not To Say To A Guy With A Small Penis 1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2. Ahh, it's cute. 3. Stop fingering me and fuck me. 4. I'm sorry. 5. Who circumcised you? 6. Why don't we just cuddle? 7. You know they have surgery to fix that. 8. It's more fun to look at. 9. Make it dance. 10. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that. 11. Can I paint a smiley face on that? 12. It looks like a nightcrawler. 13. Wow, and your feet are so big. 14. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger. 15. It's OK, we'll work around it. 16. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim? 17. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh. 18. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 19. Oh no, a flash headache. 20. (giggle and point) 21. Can I be honest with you? 22. My 8-year-old brother has one like that. 23. Let me go get my tweezers. 24. How sweet, you brought incense. 25. This explains your car. 26. You must be a growing boy. 27. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow. 28. Thanks, I needed a toothpick. 29. Are you one of those pygmies? 30. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow? 31. Ever hear of Clearasil? 32. All right, a treasure hunt! 33. I didn't know they came that small. 34. Why is God punishing you? 35. At least this won'tt take long. 36. Let's just stick with your hand. 37. Do you need a splint to prop that up. 38. How interesting. 39. I never saw one like that before. 40. What do you call this? 41. But it still works right? 42. Damn I hate baby-sitting. 43. It looks so unused. 44. Do you take steroids? 45. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks your dick. 46. Maybe it looks better in natural light. 47. I think there's a dildo around here somewhere. 48. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes? 49. Let me know when you're done. 50. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident. 51. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt? 52. Aww, it's hiding. 53. Are you cold? 54. If you get me real drunk first. 55. Is that an optical illusion? 56. Does this run in your family? 57. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry. 58. Were you neutered? 59. It's a good thing you have so many other talents. 60. Does it come with an air pump? 61. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality. 62. Where are the puppet strings? 63. Look, it all fits in my mouth at once. 64. Deep throat??? I doubt it'll reach my tongue!!! 65. Your big gun is more like a BB gun. 66. Can you get this pencil out of me now? 67. Do I hang my hat on it? 68. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes! 69. Don't hold back. 70. Nevermind, why bother. WHO IS SMARTER? There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island. The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island. The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge. How To Be Manly And now another edition of How To Be Manly. Today lesson number 1062. Well, it's certainly one of the disadvantages of having a wife who does shift work as a nurse down at the hospital. Four to six nights a month she pulls the graveyard shift leaving you all alone at home. And tonight was one of those nights. After some late night TV, you went on to bed. After turning out the lights you lay down to go off to sleep. "Heh-heh!" you say to yourself, "Oh! that David Letterman surely was funny tonight!" (snore) You're sleeping like a baby until, what's that? Your wife walks into the bedroom and crawls into bed. "Well, must've been a slow night at the hospital and they let her off!" you say. So, in the darkness you roll over to give her a little kissy-wissy on the mouth. (kiss) Then you give her a little pat of the bottom before putting your arm around her. Yes indeed, it's great to snuggle with her in the still of night and--what ho?--she seems to have put on a little weight. In fact, she's put on a great deal of weight! What the hell? You claw for the lamp and when you turn it on--AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! You scream out loud for it seems that your visiting mother-in-law has sleep walked her way into your bed!! She is furious as you order her out of the room. She apologizes but you are way too upset to be able to reason with her. She leaves and you lock the door before going into the bathroom to gargle with an entire bottle of Listerine. When you go back to bed you find that you spend the rest of the evening waking up in a cold sweat. The next morning when you go downstairs, you find your wife standing there looking at you, arms folded across her chest clearly upset with you. Next to her is her mother with her packed-bags at her feet. Your wife tells you that if you don't apologize then her mother is leaving this very instant. "Apologize! Me? For crying out loud!" you say. You want to let them both know how you feel but how can this be accomplished in a Manly Manner? Follow along in your Manly Manual, page 1009, and repeat after me: 1. Apologize? I'm the one who spent the rest of the night having nightmares about being Princess Leah chained to Jabba the Slut!! 2. Mumsies after feeling you on the butt I now know what it feels like to reach into the BLACK HOLE OF CALCUTTA!!!!!! 3. No, wait, Mumsies, you don't have to leave because I am! And after last night, if you want me, I'll be spending the rest of my life in gay bars!!!!!! Use any of the above phrases in just such a situation and a split second later when you are flailing around the room frantically trying to breathe, after your lower lip is stretched out and over your head, you can rest assured that your mother-in-law will have no doubts as to what kind of man you really are. Michael Kennedy---The ultimate tree hugger... Q. Why wouldn't Michael, his dad or his uncle John have been good at boxing? A. They just couldn't take a shot to the head. Q. What was Michael's favorite movie? A. Nightmare on Elm Street Q. What did Ted Kennedy say when asked about the accident? A. Don't ask me, You're barking up the wrong tree. Too bad his kids were with him at the time... but he had trouble getting a baby-sitter. People say Michael Kennedy was a rich playboy who did nothing. But in his final moments he made a big impression. Q. How can you be sure that Michael is really a Kennedy? A. Check the family tree. Random Jokes Q. How did Helen Keller burn her face? A. Bobbing for french fries. Q. Did you hear what happened to the Polish dog? A. The tree pissed on him. So my dad was having "that" conversation with me when I was about 12 or 13. He said that if you masturbate you'll go blind. I said, "I'm over here dad..." In response to President Clinton's firm denial, Monica Lewinsky released a statement through her Lawyer: "I have had enough! This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more! I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face! This may be a load to handle, but when times are hard, that is when I am at my best! I have faced hard times in the past and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way I know how ... head on! I have licked bigger odds than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a fighter, that she quit before the job was done! I will work non stop and fight this blow by blow until my name is wiped clean of this dirty affair! And sure, Willie might have gotten off before, but I won't let the little squirt get off that easy this time. I'm thinking there's a stiff penalty to pay. Thank you, Monica Q: What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse? A: Talk Q: What does a cow have four of and a woman has only two of? A: Legs. Q: What can you find in a mans pocket that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much they often blow it?? A: A twenty dollar bill. Q: What's a word that starts with f and ends with u-c-k? A: Firetruck Q: What's a word that is four letters long, ends with u-n-t and is a word for a woman? A: Aunt Q: What does a dog do that you can step into? A: Pants Q: What's a four letter word that begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you use your hands? A: Fork Q: What's hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a woman fat? A: An Almond Joy candy bar. Q: What's four letters long, ends with i-t and is found on the bottom of bird cages? A: Grit A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly." Q: And last but not least...What is it that all men have one of, it's longer on some men than others, the pope doesn't use his, and a man gives it to his wife after their married? A: His last name!! This woman goes to the doctor's office and the examination, the doctor said "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is you don't have PMS. The bad news is - you're a bitch." Q. Why do only 30% of women get into Heaven? A. If it were more, it would be Hell. Q. What's the difference between Pink and Purple? A. The grip In Washington State, elementary school teacher Mary Kay Le Tourneau pleaded guilty to having sex with a sixth-grade student. Miss LeTourneau has been branded a sex offender, or as the kids call her, "the greatest teacher of all time." GREAT JOKE: DONE VIA PHONE CALL: You : What has a small dick and hangs down? Victim: Uh, I dunno... a bat? You: Good! Ok, now what has a big dick and hangs up? Victim: Uhm, I don't know, I give up. You: There was a young girl named Hornatio Half the age of the Prez by ratio As an intern unpaid She'd hoped to get laid But the Prez wanted only fellatio. Yo mama is so fat she walked in front of the TV and I missed 3 comercials. Q. How did Jesus prepare for Good Friday? A. Cross training. (Okay, So I'll burn in hell for this one, but hey don't lie you're smiling, that means you're gonna be there too -Saurabh) After hearing a shot, Todd ran next door and found his friend Jason crying. "Say, what's wrong?" Todd asked. Jason sobbed, "I had to shoot my dog." Todd said, "My God! Was he mad?" Jason replied, "Well, he wasn't exactly thrilled." Two boys were skinny dippin and the one couldn't help noticing the size of the others manhood, so he asked "How did ya get it that big?" The other boy responded "Well I rub it down every night with lard." Two weeks later they were back at the swimming hole. Once again there was a comparison made with no results. The first boy said "I did what ya told me. Every night I have rubbed it down with Crisco." The other boy exclaimed "Well no wonder, that's shortening." Q. What's the difference between a bull and a cow? A. The bull smiles when you milk it. Q. Why are men so concerned about the size of their penis? A. Because they should be. Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house? A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time. Q. How can a woman tell she is flat-chested? A. She looks down her dress and the only bumps she sees are knees. Q. What is the definition of a menstrual period? A. A bloody waste of fucking time. Q. What do you call a 300 pound woman? A. Fat ass. Q. Why do women have arms? A. Do you have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean? Q. What's the difference between a brown-noser and a shit-head? A. Depth perception. Q. What's the difference between Mike Kennedy & Sonny Bono? A. A week. Q. How do you make your wife scream when having sex? A. Call her and tell her where you are. A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50 for three questions." replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes." the lawyer replied, "What was your third question?" Q. How does a Mexican know when it's time to eat again? A. His asshole stops burning. Q. How do you embarrass an archaeologists? A. Give him a Tampax and ask him what period it came from. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Joke List 17 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Crisco Two boys were skinny dippin and the one couldn't help noticing the size of the others manhood, so he asked "How did ya get it that big?" The other boy responded "Well I rub it down every night with lard." Two weeks later they were back at the swimming hole. Once again there was a comparison made with no results. The first boy said "I did what ya told me. Every night I have rubbed it down with Crisco." The other boy exclaimed "Well no wonder, that's shortening." HATE MAIL 101 by Andrew Hicks I've been writing humor columns on the Internet for about two and a half years now, and a lot of people like what I do. This piece isn't about those people. The theme here is People Who Think I Suck, a category I get right every time I play "The $20,000 Pyramid." I get a lot more nonsensical hate mail now than I used to, most of which can be traced back to my "eMpTyV: Music Video Reviews" website. Since it's been listed in the Yahoo directory, it hasn't attracted the most articulate of crowds. So that adds greatly to my usual stack of nasty flame letters. The problem is, a lot of this hate mail is just boring and/or stupid. It takes a special kind of e-mail to really get under my skin. So here's what I'm going to do. I'll reprint quotes from ten sample e-mails and grade them, from A+ to F, as a good survey of the dos and don'ts of hate mail writing. So read along with me, and, hate mailers, you just might see yours! [NOTE: Hate mail is a nasty game. So, for the first time, I'm placing a full Parental Advisory on something I've written. In the interest of education, I'm leaving all hate mails uncensored. This means a lot of misspellings, grammatical errors and motherf#&*ing cuss words. Only proceed if you're 18 or over, or if mommy and daddy are in the next room watching "The Flintbones."] 1. "U really suck, ifi ever see suck a faggotish thing on the internet again im going to beat the living shit out of u over the internet because youre a phatty dyke, u can get the fuck off the internet and get me a diet peps while youre up u fuckin BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I wanted to start with an example of an outstanding hate mail message. Note the very beginning and end. This e-mail starts with the misuse of "u" for "you," a strong sign of sub-literacy bound to annoy a writer like me, and ends with sixteen exclamation points, a brutish declaration of the intense degree of hatred this person has for me. In between is a delightfully enraging series of random slurs and swear words, which are made even more powerful by their abject refusal to make any sense whatsoever. He coined the phrase "phatty dyke," which has been referenced in countless hate mails since, and I'm still wondering exactly what "a faggotish thing" is. Note this person's mention of the product "diet peps," which I assume is some kind of new beverage specifically delivered by Internet humor writers to people who really hate them. This one gets extra credit for pissing me off before I even started reading it with the subject line, "u dyke, suck my scrot, after youre done garglin me balls." Grade: A+. 2. "What the Hell is this page. It is stupid. No one will read this crap unless to make fun of you. You sound like a stupid queer." This is one of the most bland hate mails I've ever seen. Surely, if you want to insult me, you can do better than "it is stupid," although the simplicity of the sentence does a good job of offsetting the longer sentences of six words or more. The lack of any shocking swear words or visual imagery lends no real feeling of hate. D+. 3. "just wanted you to know that you are the most pathetic, sorry excuse for a human being i have ever seen in my 20 years of existence on this rock we call earth... you suck rhino nutz." An all-around good hate mail. Concise, to the point, and with an epic quality in singling me out as the single "most pathetic" person on the planet. It places a huge burden on me as the target, making me wonder for the rest of the afternoon and well into the evening whether I am indeed the lowest of more than six billion. Closing it with the image of me sucking "rhino nutz" is also effective, although untrue -- I do not suck rhino nutz, I only lightly nibble. Grade lowered by one letter for the "rock" reference, a little too literary for hate mail. It boosts the e-mail to fifth grade level, which is inconsistent with the lack of capitalization and use of "z" to end plural words. B+. 4. "Hey man, not to be a prick of any sort but...your web page sucks. It's not interesting and I can't see how anyone would like to visit it." Very mediocre hate mail. It starts out good, opening with a greeting that let my guard down, then prefaces the actual slamming with a sarcastic half-apology, a nice irony, but there's no real substance and the last sentence is awkwardly-constructed. Saying "I can't see how anyone would like to visit" is too formal. Closer to the true spirit of hate mail would be, "People should stay the flying fuck away." He should have consulted his Hate Mail Style Book (13th Edition). C. 5. "you're a nerd. get a better page" Another fairly effective letter. It proves hate mail can work without any real creative effort on the part of the author. This seven- word message says to me, "I hate you so much I'm not going to waste any time elaborating on it or capitalizing a damn thing." This letter is knocked down by one grade for correctly using "you're" as opposed to "your." Again, we should be reading our style books, people. B-. 6. "you suck you suck you suck. and as far as i am concerned, you will always suck... you should tear down all your sites. your best bet is to fuck yourself." The strength of this e-mail is emphasizing that, in at least two tenses (present and future), I indeed suck. The three consecutive admonitions of "you suck," not separated by any punctuation, conveys a true immediacy. Even more effective would be to run them all together without any spacing (i.e. "yousuckyousuckyousuck"), which would condense this person's hate into an even tighter ball of bitterness. The closer leaves me something to dwell on, implying that there are other, unpleasant options aside from having sex with myself but that, after considering them, self-sex will turn out to be my "best bet." B. 7. "pardon my immaturity but i think you'll appreciate it: you are dumb and have poor taste in music... i have decided i hate you. sorry. you're an asshole and the antichrist. weezer rocks." Again, a solid piece of hate mail. The opening phrase sets this mail up as serious advice to be considered, albeit from an individual whose immaturity I should pardon. It means "blunt but true," and I like it, although this letter's weakness lies in the post-colon mark of the first sentence. I'm dumb and have bad music taste... this is what he's building up to with that great opening clause? There's no epic scope of hatred. He redeems himself toward the end, though, by going so far as to call me the Antichrist and closing with those terrific two words that put it all in perspective, "Weezer rocks." B+. 8. "your reveiws suck shit. stp kickass . rap sucks. mtv sucks. marilyn manson rules you stupid christian moron.you suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck" While the sucking of shit, preferably through one of those wacky, bendable kids' straws, is an engaging hate mail image, this letter could not sustain my interest beyond that first sentence. This is the first time I've seen three consecutive two-word sentences since "Me Tarzan. You Jane. Let's shag." The last word, while it does send an immature sexual message (an integral feature of competent hate mail) in having exactly 69 letters, is overkill. The Hate Mail Style Book specifically says not to stretch a word more than ten times its original length for effect. That means the elongated "suck" should not have exceeded 40 characters. Sloppy, sloppy hate mail. D. 9. "You are a fool if you think you're fooling anyone educated past 9th grade into believing that you little articles are well thought out... I don't know you so I can't say that you SUCK... but your little web page is Super Sucking... Sorry...?!?!?!" This one is pretty scattershot, but an overall thumbs-up. What enraged me as the recipient of this e-mail was the full bag of hate mail tricks. The use of nominative "you" for possessive "your," the all- capitalized "SUCK," the overuse of ellipses, the one-two punch of "fool" and "fooling" in the first sentence and, of course, the punctuation gone wrong at the end, alternating exclamation points and question marks in demonstration of the chaotic and confused hatred the person must have been feeling for me at the time. I also like the capitalization of the phrase "Super Sucking," almost as if to suggest my writing is so bad it deserves a trademarked brand name to signify its awfulness. A-. 10. "your are so stupien" This isn't an excerpt from an e-mail, this is the e-mail. Brief but incredibly stirring. Note the lack of even minimal capitalization or punctuation, the use of the possessive "your" in place of the nominative "you" (a complete reversal of the previous e-mail) and, most effective, the misspelling of the word "stupid" by more than two letters. This is hate mail at its finest, the product of a truly creative, inspired mind, someone who is not the least bit stupien. A+. That's a good survey of the various approaches one can take to writing hate mail over the Internet. For further reference, check your local university library for the latest studies in hate mail journals like Go 2 Hell Quarterly, U Suck and Stupien Society Bulletin. Don't be discouraged if any of these writings seem above your level; good hate mail is a learned skill. Most professional hate mailers have a master's degree or, at entry level, a bachelor's from the most prestigious Hate Mail schools in the country. These people are professionals and have been at it for a long time. Their first hate mails weren't much to look at either; most of them probably seemed almost... nice. All you can do is keep writing hate mail and studying the work of others. Practice makes perfect and someday you'll be tearing productive individuals to shreds too. The Entertainer Two guys were sitting in the kitchen which overlooked the golf course. They were discussing what to get the homeowners daughter for her birthday. While talking they looked out on the course and a guy was doing the most awesome flips, handstands, etc.. They thought that would be great entertainment for the party. They go out and asked a guy in the foursome if he thought his friend would be willing to do those great flips etc for the daughters party for $50 and he said "I don't know, but I'll go ask him". So he goes over to the guy and says, "Hey John, would you be willing to take another seven iron in the nuts for $50"? Smile! Three ladies decide they are going commit suicide by jumping of the Empire State Building. The first one jumps because she has no money and can no longer live a life of poverty and hardship, and it takes the police 1 week to clean her off the sidewalk. The second one jumps because all of her family members have died and she can't bear to live alone, and it takes the police 2 weeks to clean her of the sidewalk. The third one jumps because she's never had sex, no matter how hard she tries no man wants to sleep with her, so she jumps. On the way down she hits a light post and it takes the police 3 weeks to wipe the smile off her face. The Pontiff A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person." Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance." Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?" Only one word leapt to mind. "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'." "Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser? Top 10 Ways Things Would Be Different If Microsoft Were Located In Georgia! 1. Their No. 1 product would be "Microsoft Winders". 2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle. 3. Occasionally, you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape. 4. Instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel", dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Aww-right", "Naw", or "Git". 5. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders95 would be an outhouse. 6. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders95 theme song would be "Boot Scootin' Boogie". 7. Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz". 8. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am. 9. Daisy Duke screen saver. 10. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator. THE 10 MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN A WOMAN'S LIFE 1. The Doctor because he says,"Take off your clothes" 2. The Dentist because he says,"Open Wide" 3. The hairdresser because he says,"Do you want it teased or blown" 4. The Milkman because he says,"Do you want it in front or in back?" 5. The Interior Decorator because he says,"Once you have it all in, you'll love it." 6. The Banker because he says,"If you take it out to soon, you'll lose interest" 7. The Police Officer because he says,"Spread 'em" 8. The Mailman because he always delivers his package. 9. The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down. 10. The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots. Top 10 Signs Your Airline Attendant is About Ready to Retire 10. Always grumbling about how things were much simpler when Orville and Wilbur ran the business. 9. For dinner, asks, "Ya want the white crap or the yellow crap?" 8. Loudly refers to pilot and co-pilot as "Opie" and "The Beav." 7. At the security checkpoint, her hip sets off the metal detector. 6. No matter what you order, she serves up a nice warm glass of Bosco. 5. After demonstrating the oxygen mask, needs to keep it on. 4. Matches entire business class shot for shot. 3. Uses false teeth to prevent the food cart from rolling down the aisle. 2. Breaks wind so forcefully that the oxygen masks drop. 1. Keeps getting lost on the way to the cockpit. Father Knows Best Once upon a time there was a guy and a girl who had been dating for a long time. The boy, who had never been with another girl, was not very knowledgeable in the area of love. After a long talk one night, the girl tells the young man that she wants to make love to him the next day for the first time. The boy was extremely excited. Shortly after dropping the girl off, the boy stops at the pharmacy. The boy walks in, and with a red face goes to consult the pharmacist. The pharmacist, seeing that the boy was inexperienced, spent close to an hour explaining the ins and outs of sex and contraceptives. After he was done, the boy chose a brand of condoms. The pharmacist asked if he wanted the 3, 6, or family size pack. The boy, explaining that it was going to be a busy night, chose the family size pack. The next day the boy arrives at her house and knocks on the door. The girl answered the door and told the boy that they would eat at her house and then go get a hotel room. The boy agrees and goes inside to the dining room. After a few minutes of meeting the girl's mother, the father walks in. He proceeds to tell everyone to bow their heads for the blessing. After he said "Amen" the boy kept his head bowed. Twenty minutes later the boy's head was still bowed. The young lady leaned over to him and whispered, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy then leaned over and whispered to the girl, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." The Fire Dept. There's a big fire in New York City, and the firemen are using the big ring to catch the people who are jumping out of the windows. But every time a black guy jumps, they pull the ring to the side, and he smashes onto the concrete. One guy sticks his head out of a window and yells, "Hey, man! I'm not black. I'm Spanish." Then he jumps... They pull the net to the side and yell, "Ole'!" Are You Man Enough? by Dennis Leary Here's a cold hard fact that you must now chew and swallow: if you are reading this, you are not macho. Period. Case closed. Real men do not read anything other than GUNS AND AMMO, SPORTS ILLUSTRATED, or SHAVED BEAVER. Do not mention FIRE IN THE BELLY. Do not clutch your copy of IRON JOHN. Sit your soft little ass down and listen up. Understanding macho means that you don't possess it. I have proven myself to be the pussy that I am by writing this piece. (I'm wearing a powder blue cotton print shirt and peach panties as I type) [sic] Ernest Hemingway, you say? Wrong. Ernest lived a very macho life and wrote some very macho stories. But Ernest threw it all away by blowing his head off with a shotgun. Very unmacho. Real men do not commit suicide. Real men know just how much life sucks. Real men grit their teeth and take it bill after bill, war after war, tumor after tumor. You don't greet Death, you punch him in the throat repeatedly as he drags you away. I think John Wayne said it best when he said, "Fuck Death and the lung cancer he rode in on." Macho is a very slippery thing. You don't read about it, you don't write about it, you don't even know the correct spelling of the word. In a vain attempt to keep some semblance of masculinity, I didn't research the roots of the word while writing this article, but I can only assume that "macho" comes from "machismo," which sounds a hell of a lot like machine. Being macho implies a tough, hard, blocklike approach full of pistons and rods and axles and other big steel-type stuff. It's hard to live by the old macho code these days. They've chipped away at it over the years, slowly but surely. Drinking has been reduced to a few beers or a couple of whiskeys, if that. Otherwise, your AA friends begin to stare across the table with that "I personally think you have a problem and that all alcohol should be banned so that I won't feel the urge to drink myself into a naked stupor but I'm not gonna say anything" look on their faces. No mess, no mauling, no mistress, no mas. From time to time, people try to use macho as an image builder. Bush tries to make himself seem like a card-carrying Mace Club member. He's not. The last macho pres. we had was FDR. FDR-a man stricken by polio, stuck in a wheelchair, fighting the Nazis all the while smoking 3 & 1/2 packs a day. "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself!" Yeah, and staircases, of course. And soccer and dancing. I think the death of macho is easily located on a very recent map. Sometime in the late '70s-right around the time the Village People released "Macho Man" and Barry Manilow sang "Copacabana" and Robby Benson was mewling his way into the hearts of teenage ultra-virgin, men made a serious mistake. We started TALKING to each other. We stopped punching each other and began discussing why we wanted to punch each other. I'll bet my right nut that if I had done some research, I would have found a dramatic decline in facial cuts and brain contusions starting in 1977. Now we're supposed to be sensitive. We are supposed to share our feelings and cry at funerals and care about our hair. We're, in short, supposed to be women. Hello, my name is Shirley. Touch me in the morning. I believe in equal rights. I believe that women should get equal pay for equal jobs. I believe women should have control of their bodies and be in positions of power. I believe we should have the same size shoulder pads in our suits. But I also believe that men should be men and women should be, well, women. Women should be soft and smart and mysterious. And men should have their own tools. I pine for the sheer stupidity of the old macho days, when men would brandish hammers and build huge, bulky cars that sucked up gas and tore open the ozone layer and crushed small animals beneath totally useless but totally cool-looking tail fins. When men were apes with good shoes and a dental plan. John Wayne, John Huston, Bill Holden, Bob Mitchum, Clark Gable, Babe Ruth, Lee Marvin, Sam Peckinpah. Men who drank and fought and puked and ate raw meat right off the bone and drank some more and fought some more and puked again and kept on drinking. Men who died of massive heart attacks or sudden brain seizures or who just plain fucking blew up. Men who had cancer six or seven times. Men made out of leather. My dad was one of these men. My dad once cut off his thumb with a power saw, duct- taped it back on, and drove himself to the hospital smoking a Camel un- filtered on the way. My dad's theory was simple: no pain-no fucking pain. My dad smoked 5 packs a day, worked 3 jobs 7 days a week, ate beef for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. One night in 1985, he ate a big steak dinner with a side order of bacon and extra steak fries. He ordered some coffee, sat back, lit up a cigarette, and exploded. I don't wanna hear about Arnold Schwarzenegger. Even Arnold caved in. In Terminator 2, he was all of a sudden Mr. Caring Guy, protecting the kid and hoping the earth wouldn't end. Bullshit. There was even a sequence at the end of the movie where a huge truck full of flammable liquid tears down a highway for about 3 minutes and then doesn't blow up. A sign of the times if ever there was one. Every real man knows the 1 golden rule of macho movie making: if you see a truck on screen, blow it up. In Thelma & Louise, the women saw a truck. What did they do? Susan Sarandon pulled out her gun and blew the truck way the fuck up. Another sign of the times. Arnold's tromping around praying for the earth to save itself and Ms. Davis and Ms. S. Sarandon are drinking and shooting and screwing their way all over the macho west. Citizen Kane? A masterpiece. But every real man knows it would have been better if a huge Mack truck with the word ROSEBUD emblazoned on the trailer drove through the front gate of the mansion and then KAA- POWWWWW! Another movie matter I'd like to get off my girly little chest: asses. Part of this new male code has men baring their butts on screen the way women used to do. Mel Gibson, Kevin Costner, Michael Douglas, and of course, Arnold. Hey if I wanted to see Kevin Costner's ass, I would've married him. You never saw Bob Mitchum's ass. I am in a macho movie called GUNMEN, and I can guarantee you that you never see my ass on any screen but if you do, it will not be shaved. It will be hairy and hoary and very, very white. Our macho movie idols have changed forever. No wonder they end up baring it all. Listen to the names--Mel, Kevin, Michael, Arnold. In the old days movie stars had real names: John, Bill, Duke, Buck, Chuck, Rip. Kevin sounds like your skinny Irish cousin with the big Coke bottle glasses and a heat rash; Mel, the guy in charge of aisle five at Woolworth's. ("Excuse me Mel, where are the light bulbs?") It's getting very bad, boys. We don't blow up trucks anymore. Hell, we don't even drive trucks anymore. We drive simple little Japanese cars with air bags. In the old days we used to rip out the seat belts and fly through the windshield ready for action. "Thrown from the car." Remember that phrase in accident reports? Always the sign of a very macho driver. We seem a little more sorry, a little more plump, a lot more ladylike around the edges. If you really want to reclaim your macho self, if you really want to be a macho, macho man, stop reading this article. If you are still reading, you probably need a little more help. Forget Robert Bly or "FIRE IN YOUR PROSTATE." Don't go on a Male-Bonding Self-Discovery Weekend, which is just another term for Circle Jerk as far as I'm concerned. Here, instead, is a guide: BALLS, A.K.A. COJONES: You should have several. Preferably brass or steel. Extra large. CRYING: Never. Ever. Over anything. Not death in the family, not a bullet in the chest. You may tear up ever so slightly in one eye only when watching a favorite sports legend retire. You may tear up in both eyes only when kicked, accidentally or on purpose, in the COJONES. KISSING: see "SPORTS" HUGGING: see "SPORTS" SPORTS: Once all men within reach are dressed in a team uniform, it is perfectly acceptable to kiss and hug and grab each other's ass. This is probably because all men are latent homosexuals and prefer male company to female company. But if some guy points out this fact to you, punch him directly in the throat. (Optional retorts: "Prefer this!" or "Fuck You!" or "Shut the fuck up!") HEALTH: Never go to the hospital or visit a doctor. If you have a stroke, keep drinking and act like you prefer to use only one side of your body. If you cut off a limb while using a power tool--so what? That's why there's duct tape and staple guns. If someone tries to drive you to the hospital after a heart attack or maiming, punch him in the throat. (Optional retorts: "Drive This!" or "Fuck you!" or "Shut the fuck up!") DIET: Meat, cigarettes, meat, booze, meat, and coffee. In case of aneurysm or alcohol-induced coma, see "HEALTH." FIGHTING: At all times, over anything. Never hit a woman. Or a child. Or a bus. Never hit a priest until he takes off his collar. (If it's the pope, wait until he removes the large hat.) Clergy will often provoke a punch in the throat with their "violence doesn't prove anything" pontifications. (Optional retorts: "Prove this!" or "Fuck you Father!" or "Shut the fuck up, Padre!") DRINKING: No falling down. No puking--unless to empty the stomach in order to continue drinking. No slurring of words. Tell a few war stories: "See that scar? I was in 'Nam and I ate a grenade and it blew up in my colon." If your aim is off due to alcohol, it's acceptable to punch someone in the head or solar plexus. SEX: You're probably too drunk or just plain stupid to have sex but pretend you get a lot, i.e. "You should've seen me last night, blah, blah, blah, blah." Absorb this info and you should be on your way. If you have any further questions, call 1-800-COJONES. Remember: We're men. Big, boxy, sweaty, ignorant men. We have penises. Well, we used to have penises. Either way, I think Billy Martin, the late Yankees manager, said it best when he said, "Hey, I can drive." Tell Santa... A cop on horseback is at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Tell Santa next year to put a taillight on that bike." The kid says, "Nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The cop says, "Yeah." The kid says, "Well, tell Santa next year to put the prick underneath the horse, instead of on top." Random Offensives Q. Why are men so concerned about the size of their penis? A. Because they should be. Q. What's the difference between a brown-noser and a shit-head? A. Depth perception. Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house? A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time. Q. What is the definition of a menstrual period? A. A bloody waste of fucking time. Jesus is coming, everyone look busy. Q. What did the gay man say when he saw Jesus hanging from the cross? A. Good God you're well-hung. Q. How do we know that O.J. would have been comfortable in jail? A. Because he's used to big black guys opening up holes for him. Q. Why did it take so long for Lorena Bobbitt to throw the dick out of the window? A. She didn't have the balls. Q. What's the definition of speed? A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest. ------------------------------------------------------- There it is as of May 1, 1998. As more are made, they will either be added to this list or a new one will be compiled. Also, in the near future, this list will be put on my webpage. To get the URL, mail ADiDASKPD@AOL.COM or DESAIGUY@AOL.COM. It should be up soon, but then I'm extremely lazy. Anyway, enjoy. -kevin