*Guy-Bashing Poetry*

*Guys Just Aren't*

Guys are like lipstick,
you can't find the right shade.
Guys are like bricks,
waiting to be laid.
Guys are like dogs,
on the verge of a bark.
Guys are like fires,
have to be that light in the dark.
Guys are like cars,
going way too fast.
Guys are like dollar bills,
they never do last.
Guys are like rugs,
you want to take outside and beat.
Guys are like smelly socks,
you want to get off your feet.
Guys are like that medicine,
that leaves a really bad after-taste.
Guys are like that expensive outfit,
your realize later was such a waste.
Guys are like the stains,
you can't get off your shirts.
Guys are like the nasty green stuff,
hiding inside those cute little Certs.
Guys are like gum,
stuck on the bottom of your shoe.
Guys are like the monkeys,
that should be caged inside the zoo.
Guys are like the wind,
all they want is a blow.
Guys are like the wilted flower,
that never will grow.
Guys are like cops,
you just need hand cuffs and a warrant.
Guys never have been, never will be, because...
guys just aren't.

*The Player*

He'll meet you and sweep you off of your feet;
He's nice and he's funny, so cute and so sweet.
Surprisingly, he likes the same things as you;
He does all the things that you love to do.
He's the perfect guy, the one of your dreams;
You belong together, or so it seems.
He looks in you eyes, and plays with your hair;
He tells you that he'll always be there.
His touch is so soft, his hold is so tight;
His words are so soothing, his kiss is just right.
You ditch all your friends for you new obsession;
You don't even realize you future is full of
 depression.
You think that you love him, you give him your heart;
Little do you know that he'll tear it apart.

You do what he wants, you know its not good;
You told him slow down, and you think he understood.
You let it slide by, he's just having fun;
You'll learn to like it as time goes on.
He's taken your heart, and locked it away;
And you see him with a different girl the next day.
You cry and you grieve, but then you forgive;
He won't do it again for as long as he lives.

At this point, you've fallen into his trap;
He has all control when you're in his lap.
You believe he's sorry, you're together again;
You give him a chance, he's your only friend.
You're right where he wants you, he molds you like
 clay;
And you see him with girl number 3 the next day.
He got what he wanted, accomplished his goal;
He still has your heart, which he evilly stole.
He's taken you purity, you still can't believe;
You feel hurt and cheap and extremely naive.

If only you hair was blond and straight;
If only you look like you lost some weight
If only your clothes were a little bit tighter;
If only your teeth a little bit whiter.

You know he's an ass, but you still want him back;
And you grieve about all of those qualities you lack.
All you wanted was to have some fun;
Now you wish that this whole thing had never begun.

You wish that one day you'll see him cry;
That on day he'll know how he killed you inside.
But you know that he won't, cause he's numb to pain;
He'll be with some girl while you cry and complain.

Beware of the players, they'll steal your heart;
And they'll give it back once its all torn apart.
Don't let them suck you into their game;
Cause once you lose, you're never the same.

*Boys*

A heart is not a play thing, 
a heart is not a toy,
but if you want it broken,
just give it to a boy.

Boys like to play around with things,
to see what makes them run.
But when it comes to kissing,
they do it just for fun.

Boys never give their hearts away,
They play us girls for fools.
They wait until we give our heart, 
and then they play it cool.

You will wonder where he is at night
You will wonder if he's true.
One moment you'll be happy.
One moment you'll be blue.

If you get a chance to see him, 
your heart begins to dance.
Your world revolves around him.
There's nothing like romance.

And then it starts to happen.
You worry day and night.
You see, my friend, your losing him.
It never turns out right.

Boys are great though immature.
The price you pay is high.
He may seem sweet and gorgeous,
but remember, he's a guy.

Love is fair, but hurts so much
the price is very high,
If given a chance of life or death,
I think I'd rather die.

Don't fall in love with just a boy,
that takes alot of nerve.
You see my friend, you need a man,
to get what you deserve.

So when you think that you're in love,
be careful if you can.
Before you give your heart away,
make sure that he's a man.

*The Infamous Bitch Poem*

Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess,
I have two mounds upon my bodice.
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee,
Can justify any shopping spree.

Don't go to a barber, but a beauty salon,
Can get a massage without a hard-on.
I can balance the checkbook, can pump my own gas,
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass.

My beauty's a masterpiece, and yes, it takes long,
At least I can admit to others when I'm wrong.
I don't drive in circles at any cost,
And I don't have a problem admitting I'm lost.

Let me tell you men
Listen to me boys
Those things in your pants
That you treat as toys
You love them more then we ever will
We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill

I never forget an important date,
You just gotta deal with it, I'm usually late.
I don't watch movies with lots of gore,
Don't need instant replay to remember the score.

I won't lose my hair,
I don't get jock itch,
And just 'cause I'm assertive,
Don't call me a bitch!

I don't wear the same underwear everyday,
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay.
Don't burp, don't belch and I certainly don't fart,
Ballet, not football, is what I consider an art.

Don't say to your friends,
"Oh yeah, I can get her" -
In your dreams, my dear,
I can do better!

Flowers are okay,
But jewelry's best.
Would you look at my face,
Not at my chest!

I don't have a problem,
Expressing my feelings.
I know when you're lying,
You look at the ceiling.

I know all you men
Think that you're "IT"
But compared to a woman
You just ain't SHIT!

Don't call me a girl,
A babe or a chick.
I am a WOMAN,
Get it, you prick?!

*Ode To Boys*

We like them, but do they like us?
The ones we do never fuss
They never stop in and we wonder why
We stress, we bitch, we sometimes cry.
"Guys are assholes!" we always say.
Yet their stupid games we always play.
One day this, one day that.
So we turn to food which makes us fat
Then they complain we're putting on weight
Defining to us why we never date.
They're the reason, those stupid fucks,
Making us believe that college life sucks.
SCREW THEM ALL, LET'S GRAB A BEER!
We've got our friends, they're all here.
Cheers to the girls, fuck the guys.
We're sick of their shit and stupid ass lies.
We don't need them, no not us.
Good for a scam but never to trust.
So here's what to do:
Together we stand.
We'll party it up with beers in each hand.
Alone in our beds of course it might end,
But we don't get dumped and we still have our FRIENDS!

*A Poem For The Ladies*

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,
My doctor found a lump.
She ordered up a mammogram,
To look inside that bump.

"Stand up very close" she said.
As she got my boob in line,
"And tell me when it hurts" she said.
"Ah yes! There, that's fine.

She stepped upon a pedal.
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate pressed down and down,
My boob was in a vise!

My skin was stretched and stretched,
From way up under my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt.
Within it's vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this viscous thing,
My poor defenseless tit!

"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.

"There, that was good," I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying.
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Lord have mercy I was praying.

It squeezed me from up and down.
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet she's never had this done,
Not to her tender little hide!

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped, "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how they come out !!!


**NOTE:  I am NOT taking credit for any of the
 above poems.  I have mostly found them in chain
 letters and, with each poem, no author was given.
  Otherwise, if I had the author's names, I would have
 given them credit.  Anywho, just a reminder:  I am
 NOT taking credit for these poems at all!
**