Jokes (About Guys, Obviously)
*Guys Just Aren't*
Guys are like lipstick,
you can't find the right shade.
Guys are like bricks,
waiting to be laid.
Guys are like dogs,
on the verge of a bark.
Guys are like fires,
have to be that light in the dark.
Guys are like cars,
going way too fast.
Guys are like dollar bills,
they never do last.
Guys are like rugs,
you want to take outside and beat.
Guys are like smelly socks,
you want to get off your feet.
Guys are like that medicine,
that leaves a really bad after-taste.
Guys are like that expensive outfit,
your realize later was such a waste.
Guys are like the stains,
you can't get off your shirts.
Guys are like the nasty green stuff,
hiding inside those cute little Certs.
Guys are like gum,
stuck on the bottom of your shoe.
Guys are like the monkeys,
that should be caged inside the zoo.
Guys are like the wind,
all they want is a blow.
Guys are like the wilted flower,
that never will grow.
Guys are like cops,
you just need hand cuffs and a warrant.
Guys never have been, never will be, because...
guys just aren't.
*The Player*
He'll meet you and sweep you off of your feet;
He's nice and he's funny, so cute and so sweet.
Surprisingly, he likes the same things as you;
He does all the things that you love to do.
He's the perfect guy, the one of your dreams;
You belong together, or so it seems.
He looks in you eyes, and plays with your hair;
He tells you that he'll always be there.
His touch is so soft, his hold is so tight;
His words are so soothing, his kiss is just right.
You ditch all your friends for you new obsession;
You don't even realize you future is full of
depression.
You think that you love him, you give him your heart;
Little do you know that he'll tear it apart.
You do what he wants, you know its not good;
You told him slow down, and you think he understood.
You let it slide by, he's just having fun;
You'll learn to like it as time goes on.
He's taken your heart, and locked it away;
And you see him with a different girl the next day.
You cry and you grieve, but then you forgive;
He won't do it again for as long as he lives.
At this point, you've fallen into his trap;
He has all control when you're in his lap.
You believe he's sorry, you're together again;
You give him a chance, he's your only friend.
You're right where he wants you, he molds you like
clay;
And you see him with girl number 3 the next day.
He got what he wanted, accomplished his goal;
He still has your heart, which he evilly stole.
He's taken you purity, you still can't believe;
You feel hurt and cheap and extremely naive.
If only you hair was blond and straight;
If only you look like you lost some weight
If only your clothes were a little bit tighter;
If only your teeth a little bit whiter.
You know he's an ass, but you still want him back;
And you grieve about all of those qualities you lack.
All you wanted was to have some fun;
Now you wish that this whole thing had never begun.
You wish that one day you'll see him cry;
That on day he'll know how he killed you inside.
But you know that he won't, cause he's numb to pain;
He'll be with some girl while you cry and complain.
Beware of the players, they'll steal your heart;
And they'll give it back once its all torn apart.
Don't let them suck you into their game;
Cause once you lose, you're never the same.
*Boys*
A heart is not a play thing,
a heart is not a toy,
but if you want it broken,
just give it to a boy.
Boys like to play around with things,
to see what makes them run.
But when it comes to kissing,
they do it just for fun.
Boys never give their hearts away,
They play us girls for fools.
They wait until we give our heart,
and then they play it cool.
You will wonder where he is at night
You will wonder if he's true.
One moment you'll be happy.
One moment you'll be blue.
If you get a chance to see him,
your heart begins to dance.
Your world revolves around him.
There's nothing like romance.
And then it starts to happen.
You worry day and night.
You see, my friend, your losing him.
It never turns out right.
Boys are great though immature.
The price you pay is high.
He may seem sweet and gorgeous,
but remember, he's a guy.
Love is fair, but hurts so much
the price is very high,
If given a chance of life or death,
I think I'd rather die.
Don't fall in love with just a boy,
that takes alot of nerve.
You see my friend, you need a man,
to get what you deserve.
So when you think that you're in love,
be careful if you can.
Before you give your heart away,
make sure that he's a man.
*The Infamous Bitch Poem*
Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess,
I have two mounds upon my bodice.
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee,
Can justify any shopping spree.
Don't go to a barber, but a beauty salon,
Can get a massage without a hard-on.
I can balance the checkbook, can pump my own gas,
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass.
My beauty's a masterpiece, and yes, it takes long,
At least I can admit to others when I'm wrong.
I don't drive in circles at any cost,
And I don't have a problem admitting I'm lost.
Let me tell you men
Listen to me boys
Those things in your pants
That you treat as toys
You love them more then we ever will
We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill
I never forget an important date,
You just gotta deal with it, I'm usually late.
I don't watch movies with lots of gore,
Don't need instant replay to remember the score.
I won't lose my hair,
I don't get jock itch,
And just 'cause I'm assertive,
Don't call me a bitch!
I don't wear the same underwear everyday,
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay.
Don't burp, don't belch and I certainly don't fart,
Ballet, not football, is what I consider an art.
Don't say to your friends,
"Oh yeah, I can get her" -
In your dreams, my dear,
I can do better!
Flowers are okay,
But jewelry's best.
Would you look at my face,
Not at my chest!
I don't have a problem,
Expressing my feelings.
I know when you're lying,
You look at the ceiling.
I know all you men
Think that you're "IT"
But compared to a woman
You just ain't SHIT!
Don't call me a girl,
A babe or a chick.
I am a WOMAN,
Get it, you prick?!
*Ode To Boys*
We like them, but do they like us?
The ones we do never fuss
They never stop in and we wonder why
We stress, we bitch, we sometimes cry.
"Guys are assholes!" we always say.
Yet their stupid games we always play.
One day this, one day that.
So we turn to food which makes us fat
Then they complain we're putting on weight
Defining to us why we never date.
They're the reason, those stupid fucks,
Making us believe that college life sucks.
SCREW THEM ALL, LET'S GRAB A BEER!
We've got our friends, they're all here.
Cheers to the girls, fuck the guys.
We're sick of their shit and stupid ass lies.
We don't need them, no not us.
Good for a scam but never to trust.
So here's what to do:
Together we stand.
We'll party it up with beers in each hand.
Alone in our beds of course it might end,
But we don't get dumped and we still have our FRIENDS!
**NOTE: I am NOT taking credit for any of the above poems. I have mostly found them in chain letters and, with each poem, no author was given. Otherwise, if I had the author's names, I would have given them credit. Anywho, just a reminder: I am NOT taking credit for these poems at all!**
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
Shut the door.
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world
does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband
is every night?
A widow.
When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.
How many men does it take to make popcorn?
3--1 to hold the pan and 2 to act macho and shake the
stove!
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of
marrying?
The same urge that make dogs chase cars they have no
intention of driving.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors and don't
work half the time.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new
dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet
paper?
We don't know, it's never happened.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
Why is it hard for women to find men who are
sensitive, caring and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they
wrinkle.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so
beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so
dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
--Perfect Joke--
One day the perfect man and the perfect woman went out
in their perfect car. They suddenly saw Santa Clause
on the side of the road. His sliegh had broken. So,
the perfect people happened to have a sleigh and
decided to let Santa Clause borrow it, and help him
deliver presents. Well, the slegh suddenly crashed
down. So, who survived: The perfect man, the perfect
woman, or Santa Clause?
A. The perfect woman--there's no such thing as the
perfect man or Santa Clause!
Men are like...bananas. The older they get, the less
firm they are.
Men are like...vacations. They never seem long enough.
Men are like...bank machines. Once they withdraw,
they lose interest.
Men are like....weather. Nothing can be done about
either one of them.
Men are like...blenders. You need one, but your not
quite sure why.
Men are like...cement. After getting laid, they take
along time to get hard.
Men are like...chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they
usually head right for your hips.
Men are like...coffee. The best ones are rich, warm
and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like...commercials. You can't believe a word
they say.
Men are like...department stores. Their clothes should
always be half off.
Men are like...lawn mowers. If your not pushing one
around, you're riding it.
Men are like...mascara. They usually run at the first
sign of emotion.
Men are like...popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for
a little while.
Men are like...snowstorms. You never know when he's
coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he
will last.
Men are like...place mats. They only show up when
there's food on the table.
Men are like...mascara. They usually run at the first
sign of emotion.
Men are like...bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but
otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like...government bonds. They take so long to
mature.
Men are like...parking spots. All the good ones are
taken.
Men are like...copiers. You need them for
reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like...lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all
that bright.
Men are like...bank accounts. Without a lot of money,
they don't generate much interest.
Men are like...high heels. They're easy to walk on
once you get the hang of it.
Men are like...miniskirts. If you're not careful,
they'll creep up your legs.
Men are like stars...there's millions of them, but
only one will make your dreams come true.
Men are like roses...you gotta watch out for the
pricks.
Men are like slinkies...not good for much, but you
have to laugh when they fall down the stairs.
Men are like flies...they annoy you with their
constant buzzing, then, you learn how to ignore them.
Men are like computers...hard to figure out and never
have enough memory.
Men are like horoscopes...they always tell you what
to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like plungers...they spend most of their lives
in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like laxatives...They irritate the crap out
of you.
Men are like parking spots...the good ones are
already taken and what's left is handicapped.
"So live that you can look any man in the eye and tell
him to go to hell."
"Love is like a tug-o-war: A bunch of jerks trying to
get a piece."
"Guys are like slinkies: Not good for much, but you
have to laugh when they fall down the stairs."
"Dogs are dirty, slobber alot, hump anything they can
get near, sniff each other butts, do nothin' but play
all day, poop wherever they feel like it, and can
barely think for themselves. Cats are self-
sufficient, aloof, clean, tidy, sleep as much as they
can, are very picky about what they hump, and have a
great deal of disdain for dogs. Dogs are men in
little fur coats. Cats are women in little fur coats."
"If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to
put them all up there."
"Never let your man's mind wander; it's too little to
be out alone."
"Go for younger men. You might as well; they never
mature anyway."
Men are all the same, they just have different faces,
so that you can tell them apart."
"Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the
opportunity to make some woman miserable."
"Women don't make fools of men; most of them are the
do-it-yourself types."
"The best way to get a man to do something is to
suggest they are too old for it."
"Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener."
"If you want a committed man, look in a mental
hospital."
"The children of Israel wandered around the desert for
40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask
for directions."
"If he asks what sort of books you're interested in,
tell him checkbooks."
"Remember a sense of humor does not mean you tell him
jokes, it means you laugh at his."
"Sadly, all men are created equal."
"Don't waste your time on a guy who isn't willing to
waste some time on you."
"Don't waste your time looking for Prince
Charming...Cinderella has already got him."
"Hey, you player, you thought you stole my heart. But
I knew you were a player right from the start. The
games you played, I played them too. So, silly
player, the joke's on you!"
"When another girl steals your guy, there is no better
revenge than to let her keep him."
"If guys had their period, they'd probably brag about
the size of their tampons."
"Guys have P.M.S. too...Permanent Masturbating
Syndrome."
"Men are children of a larger growth."
"You are a man, and men can do nothing that makes any
difference."
"Coffee, chocolate, men...somethings are just better
rich."
"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each
other. Perhaps they should live next door to each
other and just visit now and then."
"And though we adore men individually, we agree that,
as a group, they're rather stupid."
"When women are depressed they either eat or go
shopping. Men invade another country."
"You can't change a man unless he's wearing a diaper."
"My mom told me not to chase little boys...so now I
leave them in the dust."
"You know, sometimes, when I think you are the
shallowest man I have ever met, you manage to drain a
little more water out of the pool."
"I think guys are confusing for one reason: They are
so scared to admit what they really feel."
"Until a man touches a women’s heart, he shouldn’t
touch her body."
"A woman without a man is like a fish without a
bicycle."
"Never chase after a guy or a bus...there will always
be another one coming!"
"All men should freely use those seven words which
have the power to make any marriage run smoothly: 'You
know dear, you may be right.'"
"A woman's guess is much more accurate than a man's
certainty."
"Men are proof that women can take a joke."
"Women are crazy.
Men are stupid.
Women are crazy because men are stupid."
"If a woman strives to be equal to a man she lacks
ambition."
"Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach
him how to fish and you can get rid of him of the
entire weekend."
"Don't criticize a man till you've walked a mile in
his shoes. That way, you'll be a mile away from him
and you'll have his shoes!"
"There's no such thing as a bad women, bad men just
make them that way."
"MENopause. MENtal anxiety. MENstral cramps. MENtal
breakdown. Ever notice how all our problems begin
with MEN?"
"Sure God created man before woman, but then you
always make a rough draft before the final
masterpiece."
"If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the
universe, he'll believe you. But if you tell a
man a park bench has just been painted, he has to
touch it to be sure."
"First God created man, then he had a better idea!"
"Men are like seagulls - never look up to them."
"Life is simple. Men insist on making it complicated."
"When God made man, She was just kidding!"
"If women have to admit their age, men should have to
act theirs."
"There are easier things in life than finding a good
man....nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance."
"You can lead a man to water, but you can't make him
put the seat back down."
"Men--can't live with them, can't shoot them."
"As long as there are women in this world, there will
be guys doing stupid stuff to impress them."
"Men are like toilets--either occupied or full of
crap!"
"God made rivers, God made lakes, God made men, But we
all make mistakes!"
"Of course I don't look as busy as a man--I did it
right the first time!"
"If women have 2 chromosomes and men only have one,
then that means women are 100% women, and men are 50%
women."
"Men have the power to destroy the earth, but women
have to wisdom to save it!"
"I wish my mom would have told me the same thing about
guys as she said to me about horror movies when I was
five--'Don't worry, Honey, it's all fake!'"
"Behind every great man is a greater woman!"
"God created dinosuars, God destroyed dinosaurs, God
created man, Man destroys God, Man creates dinosaurs,
Dinosaurs destroy man...Woman inherit the earth!"
"A heart is not a playing thing
A heart is not a toy
But if you want it broken
Give it to a boy!"
"When and since you are climbing up the ladder to success
Don't let the boys look up your dress
They'll say you are cute
They'll say you are fine
Nine months later, they'll say it's not mine!"
"Men roar, bellow, order people about, and issue
edicts, and their women let them because they know
that after they have finished they usually feel rotten
and will do what the women wanted in the first place.
The trick is always to let them think they are having
their own way."
"Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and
lots of happy, fat women."
"The average woman would rather have beauty than
brains because the average man can see better than he
can think."
"Personally, I think if a woman hasn't met the right
man by the time she's 24, she may be lucky."
"The wise woman is that who adds some suger to what
she says to a man...and some salt to what she hears
from him."
"When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.
Man invade another country. It's a whole different
way of thinking."
"Boys are immature, guys are jerks, and men are rare."
"It is better for girls to be single but not for boys.
Boys need somebody to clean up after them."
~ Lynette, age 9
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke forgets
that she took him."
"...He was reminded of Marta, who often said she would
find a male companion just as soon as she figured out
what she needed one for.."
"All men are animals, but some make good pets. And
just when you think you have them trained, they do
something dumb, and you have to hit them on the nose
with a rolled up newspaper."
"Men who treat women as helpless and charming
playthings deserve women who treat men as delightful
and generous bank accounts."
"Men are just grown up boys....the difference is the
price of their toys!"
"If we can send one man to the moon, why can't we send
them all there?"
"I think when God made boys he got a little drunk and
added too much ego, forgot the sense, and missed a
few shakes of compassion."
"God gave men brains larger than dogs, so they won't
hump womens legs at cocktail parties."
"Men are like a fine wine. They start out like grapes,
and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in
the dark until they mature into something you'd want
to have dinner with."
"God gave guys a brain and a penis....and only enough
blood to run one at a time."
"Never met a wise man. If so it was a woman."
"Boy, n.: A noise with dirt on it."
"Men are always whining about how we're suffocating
them....Personally, I think if you can hear them
whining, you're not pressing hard enough on the
pillow!"
"Treat a woman like a dog, and she'll pee on you."
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Email: guyssuck4ever@yahoo.com
