(AP) Chapelsnap - Veteran actor and quadraplegic Christopher Reeve rolled into Chapelsnap this afternoon to boost morale as part of his "United We Sit" USO campaign. The wheelchair bound celebrity, whose faultering career was revived with a debilitating injury, met with several town elders and young whippersnappers alike, all of whom snapped up copies of his wife's autograph.

After recently appearing in a revamped "Rear Window", in which he played a quadraplegic, Reeve's subsequent film credits consist solely of similarly altered remakes of previous films, including "Sit by Me", "Sit and Deliver", "Stephen King's The Sit", "The Loneliness of a Long Distance Roller", and "12 Angry Paraplegics". He is currently directing an original screenplay titled "Custer's Last Squat", after the financial disaster of his Led Zeppelin biopic "Rampway to Heaven."

Young women flocked to meet him after his appearance, clearly intent on a one night sit. "There's something so erotic about an immobile man," intoned breathless Amway Diamond Rita Lungy. "He's such a sweetie. He couldn't hurt me if he tried."

The USO is recruiting celebrities with the widest appeal to demostrate national unity following the Photomat incident. Even arch-nemesis Lex Luther, whose kryptonite horse injured Reeve, came to help out. "These tragedies have made strange bedfellows. Aquaman and Manta Ray are carpooling. Who'd have seen that coming?"

Following today's Yay Chapelsnap! celebration will be tomorrow's Boo Weltsville! rally. Authorites estimate this afternoon's turn-out to be an integer.


This just in: "Family Ties" actress Justine Bateman was spotted outside Trough County Rodeo repeatedly throwing herself off of an odd-toed ungulate, in an attempt to lower her mobility and boost her Q rating. Realmedia files pending.
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