"One day, I'm picking fruit and the next, the fruit pick me. God bless theUSA," D'Vacuum stated to CNN.
This morning, Wabash was found wandering the streets without his walking stick, dazed and reeking of apple butter. "That lame duck's goose is cooked!" D'Vacuum said at his victory fiesta in a heavily accented voice, clad in trademark spats. "I hit him like a pinata, and now all hisdelicious interior goodies will fall out for my friends to feast upon."
Consistent with his campaign promises, D'Vacuum has already closed a dealwith Toxxico Corporation to turn every square inch of public propertyinto uranium disposal sites. At least one townsperson was visibly shakenby the news. The epileptic non-voter, who declined to give her name, hadlittle to add. "I can go up to ten. After that, no more fingers."
Speculations run rampant regarding a political neophyte's ascension to political beatification. "Unlike the stereotypical big fish in a small pondor little fish in a big pond scenarios, here we see a guppy in a mid-sized sedan,"perennial pundit William E. Buckley has expounded.
"D'Vacuum's nihilistic approach has appealed to the already downtrodden townsfolk on a visceral level," mused commentator Rory Fabulous at hishome on the ocean floor. "Either that or something else."
D'Vacuum, who was trailing the race only two days ago with -46%, wasbuoyed by a misprinted headline in the Daily Itch, which declared "D'Vacuumis Reincarnation of Christ!" Editor's ran a hastily printed retraction, whichwas in fact so hastily reprinted that it, also, was misprinted, and only compounded the error: "Really, we mean it! D'Vacuum=God!" D'Vacuum himself downplaysthe incident. "If I was God, would I really be driving a Galaxy?"
Last night's boisterous party was interrupted by occasional outbursts from the mayor-elect. "This town's gonna see some changes," D'Vacuum promisedhis constituents, although it was unclear whether he was referring to hissecret agenda or the Fox Fall Line-Up.
When asked about his private life, D' Vacuum only grinned lasciviously, andin a delicious pun, said, "Don't worry. My 'cabinet' has already been 'filled.'"
Phyllis Navidad, Regional Public Relations Vice President of the Committeefor the National Organization of Third Party Rights and the Women's Self-Betterment Alliance of Garment Workers (C.N.O.T.P.R.W.S.B.A.G.W.) and the International Secretary of the Global Awareness and Reorganization Organization for the Advancement of Persons and Migrant Farm Worker Election Discussion Group (G.A.R.O.A.P.M.W.E.D.G.), could not be reachedfor comment.
Fictional candidate Snappie has already filed for a recount in federal court.
