Ten Minutes Ago:
Attack At Chapelsnap High Ends in Tense Stand-Off
CHAPELSNAP (AP)- This afternoon, two members of the "Headband Syndicate," a secretive student organization known for their asocial antics and bright florescent headbands, rushed the auditorium during an assembly featuring the cast of "Booty Call", armed with spatulas and foul mouths. Forty-six students were rushed to Chapelsnap Memorial Hospital after being seriously poached."They were obsessed with eggs, " said one student, 17-year-old Tervin McKung, who asked not to be identified. "They would come to school nude except for those headbands. Sure, people used to yank their genitals between classes, but did that justify this?"
After three hours of negotiations, the two lads were on a Huey to Cuba. "Let Castro deal with them," Mayor-elect D’Vacuum said. "Better there than here."
JUST IN:
This morning:CHAPELSNAP HIT BY TSUNAMI!!!!!
This evening:CHAPELSNAP TO BE REBUILT!!!!!Yesterday evening-
Chapelsnap (AP)-Local activist Shawna McPoodle was seriously injured this evening while attempting to freeze herself within a block of ice outside of the Chapelsnap Library in a bizarre protest against late fines. More info as it becomes available.
Yesterday morning-
Chapelsnap (AP)-Frank Sperling, last of the ChapelsnapSperling Pancake Dynasty, was found murdered in the restaurant that brought his lineage world renown. Chapelsnap police have no leads.
Mayor Wabash ordered all flags, regardless of their purpose, flown at half mast, inadvertently causing a 6 car pile-up in the final lap of the Chapelsnap 500. Wabash also spoke for an hour in town square despite an unflagging hailstorm which drove away reporters and townsfolk alike. Because of this, no quotes are available. As with his last wishes, Frank Sperling will be batter-dipped and cremated.
Two days ago-
Breaking News-(AP) Weltsville-A rival pancake house has opened in Weltsville, located on the opposite end of Springfield. It's owners claim not to be concerned with competition from Chapelsnap's renowned 'Sperling pancake house'. Prices are steep, but owner Vito DeGamma has faith in himself, saying as part of his hilarious new ad campaign, 'People will eat here if I have to kill someone.'Three days ago- HOAX!
AndrewCunanan sited in Chapelsnap!
prime suspect in the Frank Sperling murder as well as the McPoodle jaywalkingincident! He was last seen headed to Weltsville in a dune buggy with town bully Big Ricky Linto.Any Information?Also, the "Where's Waldo?" parody book, "Where's Cunanan?", hasbeen pulled from the shelves of the Chapelsnap Bowdlerizer BookShop at Fifth and Livid.
