THE AISLE SEAT - "THE WATERBOY"
by Mike McGranaghan
If ever there was a one-joke movie, The Waterboy would be it. And here's the joke: Adam Sandler tackles people. Are you laughing yet? Not only does Sandler tackle people, he does so again and again and again, for 90 minutes. The best comedies are inspired. Think of the brilliant construction of sight gags in There's Something About Mary to see what I mean. The Waterboy, meanwhile, reeks of desperation. No one involved with the making of this film seemed to have any funny ideas. It just limps along from one disastrous moment to the next.
Sandler plays Bobby Boucher, an obnoxious loser with not one but three speech impediments - a stammer, a stutter, and a lisp. (Speech impediments played for laughs are always a cheap joke. Having three of them is a sign of comedic bankruptcy.) Bobby is the waterboy for a top college football team in the South. He takes his job seriously, giving the sweaty players their choice of spring, distilled, or rain water (please, stop - you're killing me with the hilarity!). Oddly, the players tease Bobby mercilessly, even coming up with plans to make him spill his beloved water. This struck me as odd; after dehydrating on the football field, wouldn't they want that water? Never mind - the movie doesn't think you'll be smart enough to ask those kinds of questions.
Bobby is eventually fired and takes a job with a ragtag football team run by Coach Klein (Henry Winkler). The new team picks on Bobby, too, and Coach suggests he fight back. Thinking of all the people who have ever picked on him, Bobby runs onto the field and tackles a guy twice his size. The coach is so impressed, he gives the waterboy a place on the team. Bobby visualizes all the people who make him mad, then goes out and tackles members of the opposing team. The movie thinks this is so funny, it even has Bobby tackle people off the field - like his college professor.
If you guessed that the new star player turns the fortunes of the ragtag team around, pat yourself on the back. If you also guessed that the movie's climax would involve The Big Game played against the team that fired Bobby, reward yourself by not wasting time or money seeing The Waterboy. The script (by Sandler and writing partner Tim Herlihy) never once strays from the old underdog sports formula. I have no objections per se to juvenile humor, but this film is unwavering in its predictability. If you're going to spend three months and millions of dollars making a feature film, why not at least try to come up with an original idea or two? The sheer laziness of this movie annoyed me.
Of course, I haven't even mentioned Bobby's mother (Kathy Bates) who doesn't want her son playing "the foosball" because it's the work of "the debil" (more accents and speech impediments - my sides are splitting!). She serves rattlesnake and frog muffins for dinner (ha, ha) and has a donkey living in the house with her (how riotous!). Bobby also has a girlfriend named Vicki (Fairuza Balk) who stands by him when everyone else thinks he's a moron. She attempts to teach him about sex, but that's too difficult a concept for such a simple mind.
The Waterboy not only revels in mindless, unfunny humor, but it also wants to deliver an Important Message as well. There are several scenes that remind the audience it's okay to be different. At one point, Bobby's mother even gives a speech about how special he is. The only thing more pathetic than this movie's attempts at humor are its attempts to be heartfelt. It has less depth than a greeting card.
My objections to The Waterboy are not high-minded, but they are simple. I didn't laugh. Not once. I didn't enjoy any of the performances, which are universally one-note. There are no good scenes, and there is nothing in the plot which surprised me. I sat there looking at the screen, wondering why anyone wanted to make this movie. And - if they were going to do it - why they chose to make the central character such a detestable dolt. I wouldn't want to spend two minutes with Bobby Boucher in real life, yet a 90-minute movie has been made in which he is the hero.
The only thing that amused me about this film was a credit for a "Kathy Bates Stunt Double" at the end. Never thought I'd see that credit. It's a bad sign when the best part of the movie is the credits. As a film critic, I believe in using a language of intelligence in criticizing all movies. However, in keeping with the idiotic tone and crudeness of The Waterboy, I'll momentarily stoop to its level: This movie sucks.
(
out of four)
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