A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
- A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $250 due for a consultation.
Random Jokes
Then there is the story about a patient who transfers from a prestigious nearby institution after a full
admission workup. The resident is asking Abie about his transfer.
R: Was it the doctors?
A: The doctor's there - I can't complain.
R: Was it the food?
A: The food there - neah, I can't complain.
R: How about the nurses? the staff?
A: The people there, all of them - I can't complain
This went on for several other topics, with Abie always answering "I can't
complain."
Finally:
R: So, just why exactly did you transfer to this hospital?
A: Because here, HERE - I CAN COMPLAIN
There was this fellow who received a phone call from his doctor. The doctor said, "I have some bad
news and some *really* bad news."
The fellow said, "let me have it."
The doctor said, "The bad news is that I got your test results back and you have only 24 hours to
live."
The man groaned, sobbed, and otherwise carried on. Finally he asked the doctor, "What's the
*really* bad news?"
The doctor replied, "I forgot to call you yesterday!"
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual
questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey
look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just
by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed
it to her and said, "There you are. ...Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put
down."
Three contractors were touring the white house on the same day. One was from New York,
another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them
what they did for a living.
When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said "Hey, we need one of the rear
fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid."
So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure
and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for
materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick
figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this Job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and
$100 profit for me."
Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving the
contractor says, $2700."
The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says "You didn't even measure like the guys! How did you
come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy
from Missouri."
A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling
to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and
I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come
and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his
patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver.
Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."
