Horror, The Macabre
And Other Weird Shit In The Iraqi Desert.
by Jon Wayne Pluko
They called it a 'routine round-up mission'. We didn't do it very often, so I don't quite understand why they called it 'routine', but it certainly entailed rounding up some Iraqi folks. Our mission was to find some Iraqis and beat information out of them. There was one fatal problem with the operation, however. No one in our group spoke Arabic. For some reason, our Colonel thought that I knew how to speak Arabic. I don't know where he got that impression and I may never know, but that sort of misinformation indeed caused some serious issues with our mission. We quite rarely got any information out of the Iraqi bastards. I don't think, in fact, we ever got any information out of them. However, that's a different story, for a different time. The story I'm about to relate to you now is of a different nature. It may seem unusual and maybe even a bit far-fetched, but I swear to you, loyal reader, that this story is one hundred percent true. It started, as I said, when we were on our 'routine round-up mission'. We were taking a turn at a high rate of speed when I lost my grip and fell out of the jeep that I was riding in. I landed in the sand uninjured, but my radio wasn't so fortunate. I wasn't able to communicate with my fellow soldiers. I was however, able to receive transmissions. They were garbbled and unintelligable, but my interpretation is as follows:
Voice 1 : I think Private Pluko fell out.
Voice 2 : Good!
So there I was, stranded in the middle of the Iraqi desert. Luckily I had my bearings about me. I began to make my way back to the safety of my fellow Americans when a most interesting, albeit unfortunate turn-of-events took place. The ground opened below me and I was sucked into an underground cavern. Startled, yet uninjured, I turned on my flashlight. Upon initial inspection it appeared as though I was fucked. There was zero chance of me climbing back up to the narrow hole that I fell in and even less of a chance that someone would happen upon me. I had no choice but to aimlessly wander the maze of caverns that would come to be my new home. After a few hours, the batteries in my flashlight died, leaving me in total blackness. I stood silent for an eternity. I know now that the feeling I was experiencing was fear. I had never felt it before, but I was overcome by it. Finally I was able to calm my uneasy nerves and figure out a plan. I realised that I had only one choice. I began screaming. I screamed until my voice failed me. Again I stood in silence. A few moments later I heard a noise. It was the noise of footsteps. I knew who it was. It was an Iraqi bastard, son of a bitch. He heard my screams and started towards the direction of the origin. He had intentions of killing me. I had the advantage because, with no form of light, I could just wait until I saw his flashlight and unload in the general direction. I crouched down in the darkness and waited and listened. The footsteps came closer, and closer still, yet I saw no emittance of light. I listened. The man was nearly upon me when I lost control and fired. I fired the entire contents of the clip, thirty rounds into the blackness. I heard the man's screams and the sound of impact when he hit the cavern floor, then silence. I moved foward, crawling, towards the man. He was still breathing. I moved closer, close enough to touch him. That's when he spoke to me. The words he spoke would forever change me. I immediatly made haste through the endless winding of the cavern. There was no way out. I knew that, but it didn't stop me. I continued to run, bumping into every wall that would be in front of me. I finally stopped and decided to come to terms with the fact that I was going to die in that cursed cavern. I am a resourceful soldier, however. I found ways to live. I found insects to eat and water to drink. And there I lived, for the next fifty-some odd years, until finally I came upon a strange sight. It nearly blinded me, for my eyes had adjusted to the eternal blackness of my new home. I came upon a green, glowing sphere. It hummed and shined and sparkled. I moved closer to it and reached out my hand. Upon touching it, it disappeared. That's when I heard the screams. They sounded like the high-pitched screams of a woman. I ran as quickly as I could towards the direction of the voice, when it suddenly stopped. I listened for a moment. The person was near, I could hear the breathing. I followed the sound with my ever-acute ears. Closer I came when suddenly I felt a piercing force tear through my chest, accompanied by the sound of gun fire. I had been shot. I fell to the ground, waiting to die. The person came closer to me, reaching out his hand. I used my last bit of life's energy to whisper, "I am Private Jon Wayne Pluko of the United States Army."