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FUN THINGS TO DO IN A DEPARTMENT STORE
1. Hide uderneath the clothes racks, preferably the circular
ones, and have a picnic.
2. Go up to the checkout when there isn't a clerk there and
ring the little bell a lot, then hide. Wait until they come out and
leave. then do this again.
3. Sit on the one big comfy chair outside the dressing rooms so
everyone else that's waiting for someone has to sit on the metal
folding chairs.
4. Laugh at those ugly sequined dresses.
5. Go into the kid's section, find a little kiddie and make a
noise like running water(pssssshhhhhhhhh)Do this after locking the
doors in the bathroom stalls.
6. Take the price tags off the REALLY EXPENSIVE STUFF
7. Or even better, get out your trusty red pen and "lower" the
price by....well....a lot.
8. Buy something. Wait until the clerk has a new customer, hit
yourself on the forehead and say to yourself, "Self, you don't actually
WANT this...do you??"sahke your head no. Then go and return it. Do this
all the time to the same clerk.
9. Ask for an arcticle of clothing in a non-existant color.
10. Pretend to be a mannequin
#10 Does this come in children's sizes?
#9 No Thanks. Just Sniffing.
#8 I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
#7 Mom will love this.
#6 Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys Logo on it?
#5 No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.
#4 Will you model this for me???
#3 Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!
#2 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
and the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in
Victoria's secret:
#1 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and
stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout
the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air
fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin
narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think
we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and
turn the volumes to "10".
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in
so
long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud
enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for
a "test drive."
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet
away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your
playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized
and say, "Wow. Magic!"
20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only
invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other
aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm
Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside
down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't
you people just leave me alone?"
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them,
yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are
any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale
battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
35.While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk
if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission:
Impossible."
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your
Twinkies?"
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: "Marco Polo."
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle,
etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various
funnels.
46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something,
quickly
make off with it without saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal
position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If
the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get
out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
-Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and
then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.
-Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that
you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
-You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
-You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends
you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
-Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to
relieve
yourself on it.
-You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of
evil dandruff spirits.
-You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for
setting fire to his lawn decorations.
-Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
-People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
-Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.
-You laugh out loud during funerals.
-When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!"
-Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you
through that scuba mask.
-You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've
stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one
day seek revenge.
-You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
-Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your
little illusion.
-You collect dead windowsill flies.
-Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its
wings!"
-You like cats. Especially with mayo.
-You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.
-You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.
-You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they
weren't rescued.
-You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
-Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
-You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
-You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the
middle of your front lawn.
-Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched
on
it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
-Melba toast excites you.
-When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room
to
tell him, because "the napkins have ears."
-You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.
-Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think
to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today."
-You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just
for
a few minutes.
-Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.
-Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"
-You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala
or to be loved by an infectious disease.
-You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and
pretend that you're a stalk.
-You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.
-You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)
-People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a
violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
-You like reading lists like this.
Next time one of those pushy telemarketing people calls, try one of
these
responses:
10. I'm sorry, sir, but I'm completely filled with fruit and cheese.
9. OK, I'll take it on the condition that, right now, you bark like a
dog for three minutes straight.
8. I can't make that kind of decision now; I'm on my deathbed. (cough,
cough)
7. When you send that registration form to me, do I fill it out in pen,
or is human blood OK?
6. I'm too fucking drunk to decide. (vomit noises)
5. Grandpa? Grandpa, is that you?...But...but...you've been dead for 15
years!
4. (Japanese accent) Sorry, I'm not very interesting.
3. Really, ma'am, this is not a good time. I'm cold and naked with a
plastic bag over my head.
2. Now will this protection you're offering cover all the children I
keep
locked up in the basement?
1. No, sir, you will not solicipitate me!!!
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink
and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited
there?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on
the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the
pan?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you
turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the
package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a
shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes,
why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you
turn down the volume on the radio?
Why do people look at the door when they're in an elevator?
======================================================================Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T say out loud in Victoria's Secret:
Fun Things to Do at Wal-Mart
The Warning Signs Of Insanity
Dealing With Telemarketers
Why