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The blind man was out walking with his Seeing Eye dog when suddenly the
animal paused and wet the blind man's leg. Bending down, the blind man
stretched out his hand and patted the dog's head.
Having watched what happened, a passerby said, "Say, why are you patting
him? That dog just pissed on your leg!"
"I know," said the blind man, "but I gotta find his head before I can
kick his ass."
For decades two heroic bronze statues, on male and one female, faced
each other in a city park, until one day an angel come down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that I'm
going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life
for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want to.: And with
a clap of his hand, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly but soon dashed for the
bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter,
and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later the two statues emerged
from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking
conspiratorially.
grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue
and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down, and I'll shit
on its head!"
Staggering piss ass drunk out of a bar, the drunk started to make his
way home. Walking down the street he noticed a nun walking in his
direction. With out warning the drunk charged at the nun, leaped on top
of her and began to beat her up.
Two men who were walking on the opposite side of the street rushed over
to aid the nun. As they were pulling the drunk off of her the drunk
yelled out, "You're not as tough as you think you are, are ya batman!!"
A big tough guy whose wife has just left him is drowning his sorrow at
the bar when a flamboyant faggot swishes up to him, simpers, and says,
"Hey wanna play some bar football?"
"Fuck off, faggot."
"C'mon, big boy," insists the fag. "Try bar football-you'll like it."
Sunk in misery and self-pity, the guy finally gives in. "Fuck, what is
it anyway?"
"You down a pint of beer and that's a touch down," explains the fag,
excitedly, "then drop your pants and fart for the extra point."
Feeling he has nothing to lose, the guy says, "Shit, okay."
"I'll go first," shrieks the gay, quickly downing his beer. "Touchdown,
six points," he yells, then just a quickly drops his pants and emits a
high squeaky fart. "Seven to zip, your turn!"
The tough guy chugs his beer, then unenthusiastically pulls down his
pants. In a flash the fag leaps behind him inserting his penis in the
tough guys ass, squealing, "Block that kick! Block that kick!"
Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy
asked whether he could fly like Superman.
"Sure you could," Charlie assured him. "You just gotta flap you arms
really really hard."
So Mickey climbed up onto the windowsill, started flapping, jumped, and
smashed into the sidewalk six stories down. Horrified, their mother came
rushing into the room and screamed, "Charlie, what happened?"
"Ma, I was just teaching the kid not to believe everything people tell
him."
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITIVE TRAINING (S.H.I.T)
In order to assure the highest possible levels of
quality work and
productivity from employees, it will be our policy to
keep all employees
well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH
INTENSITIVE TRAINING
(S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our employees more
S.H.I.T. than anyone
else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of
S.H.I.T. on the job,
please see your manager. You will be immediately put
on the top of the
S.H.I.T. list, and your managers are especially
skilled at seeing that get
all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who don't
take their S.H.I.T.
will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS
(D.E.E.P.
S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.
seriously will have to
go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T). Since our
managers took
S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have
to take S.H.I.T.
anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T.
already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested
in a job training
others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING
LECTURE LIST
(B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.
S.H.I.T. will get the
S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF
EXTRA EMPLOYEE
PROGRAMMING (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our
HEAD OF TRAINING,
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.
S.H.I.T).
Thank You,
BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING(B.I.G.
S.H.I.T.)
1. You can GET chocolate
2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate
3. Chocolate satisfies you even if it has gone soft
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called
nasty names
9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate
10. You can have chocolate on top of your desk/workbench during working
hours without upsetting your co-workers
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face
slapped
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month
16. Good chocolate is easy to find
17. You can have as many different kinds of chocolate as you can handle
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate
19. When you have chocolate it doesn't keep your neighbours awake
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
1. Offer to shake hands, all the time. Immediately afterwards, go to
the
bathroom and wash your hands for about half an hour. If your
roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Better to be safe than sorry."
2. Keep a goldfish in your room. Watch it for hours, writing down all
of
its movements and actions in a notebook. Then, one day, stuff the
notebook in the fish bowl, and write down all of its movements and
actions on the fish. If your roommate asks, explain that the
notebook
is a lot easier to keep track of, and doesn't eat nearly as much.
3. Use your VCR as a toaster, stuffing bread or pop-tarts into it
every
morning. When you eat them, complain that something doesn't taste
quite right. Adjust the tracking on your VCR, and from then on
rave
about how good the food is.
4. Keep a plant by your telephone. Every time you enter the room, ask
the
plant if anybody called. Complain to your roommate that the plant
has
been making up wild stories about important phone calls.
5. Get a Pet Rock. Sleep with it, and read it bedtime stories. Every
night, as soon as you turn out the light, start screaming at the
top of
your lungs. Explain to your roommate that the rock is afraid of
the
dark.
6. Get a trampoline for your room. Invite your friends over and jump
on
it all the time. Then, while your roommate is gone, get rid of the
trampoline and draw a chalk outline of a human body on the ceiling.
If
your roommate inquires, say that you don't want to discuss it.
7. Set your alarm for any time during the day. When it goes off,
immediately go to bed, letting the alarm clock continue ringing or
buzzing until your roommate turns it off. When he/she does, get up
and
go about your normal daily business.
8. Stuff yourself into a big plastic bag. Tell your roommate that
you've
contracted a rare case of the Bulgarian Measels, and you're now
being
quarantined by the Health Center. Tell your roommate you've been
using
his/her toothbrush.
9. Light firecrackers and toss them into your roommate's bed while
he/she
is sleeping. When he/she wakes up, pretend to be asleep.
10. Get a sponge and draw a face on it. Take it to class with you.
Let
the sponge help you with your homework. Leave notes to your
roommate,
from the sponge, accusing your roommate of not living up to his/her
academic potential.
11. Make "small talk" with your roommate, asking questions like, "How
was
your day?" and "What are your plans for tonight?" Act interested
and
write all the responses down, muttering things like, "Hmmm....
Very
interesting." Call a local radio station and report the results.
12. Dump all of your roommate's laundry in the center of the room in
one
big pile. Burn it. If your roommate protests, explain that it was
a sacrifice to the "fashion gods".
13. Wait until your roommate is very tired. Insist that you are a
master
of massage. Ask your roommate to lie down. When he/she does,
whack
him/her in the head with a baseball bat. If your roommate is still
alive, and protests, say, "Oh, I must have done it wrong. Let me
try
again." If your roommate is dumb enough to let you try again, once
more hit him/her in the head with a baseball bat.
14. Complain often about having a loose tooth. When your roommate
isn't
looking, stuff your mouth with white marbles. Pretend to sneeze,
and spew the marbles all over the place. Scream, and run out of
the
room.
15. Come into the room with a fire extinguisher hidden behind your
back.
Ask your roommate if he/she has a light. If he/she gives you one,
spray him/her with the fire extinguisher. If he/she doesn't give
you
one, spray him/her anyway.
16. Put an umbrella up, over your bed. Sleep underneath it at night.
If
your roommate asks about it, respond by saying, "A storm's
a-brewin'."
Then, one night, get a bucket of water and dump it on your roommate
while he/she is sleeping. Get back into bed. If your roommate
asks
about the incident, claim that you don't know what happened.
17. Get a gasoline can and fill it up with water. Keep it under your
bed.
Wait until your roommate is around, and start running around the
room.
Then, collapse, and say, "Damn, I ran out of gas!" Crawl over to
the
gasoline can and drink from it. Get up, and start running around
again.
18. Get two mannequins and keep them inside the room. Every day, dress
up
one to look like yourself, and the other to look like your
roommate.
One day, position them so that your mannequin is shaking the
roommate
mannequin's hand. Later that day, shake your roommate's hand. The
next
day, position them so that your mannequin is kicking the roommate
mannequin. Later that day, kick your roommate. The next day,
position
them so that your mannequin is stabbing the roommate mannequin with
a
really big knife. Glare at your roommate for the rest of the day.
19. Keep a variety of bugs and insects inside a jar. Use a stethoscope
to
"listen" to what the insects are talking about. Act like you can't
understand anything. Then, at night, get up suddenly, turn on the
lights, and start yelling, "Shut up! I'm trying to sleep! You
guys are so damn loud, I can't hear myself think!" Continue
complaining
for about half an hour. Do this every night until all of the
insects
are dead, at which time, sob, sniff, and say, "I'm gonna miss those
guys."
20. Get an air pump. Put the end in your mouth, and start pumping. Do
so
for a few seconds. Repeat this action every day, eventually
extending
the amount of "pumping" time to several minutes. Then, one day,
while
your roommate is out, get some blood, intestines, and anything else
you
can find at the biology lab. Scatter and smear these things around
the
room, leaving the air pump in the center. Leave your roommate a
note
that reads, "I'm sorry, I just can't stand living with you any
more.
So, I'm ending it all. Sorry about the mess."
50 fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i.e. you are
going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the
final exam).
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last
15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and
do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre,
I've got the secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it
is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols.
Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the
instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud,
debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to
stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking."
Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it,
loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this.
I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the
deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume
at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting
way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse
to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with
my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a
sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me,
I have to leave the country" and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, sand up, rip up all the papers
into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out
"Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another
copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this
process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on
your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam.
Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one,
make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not
looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to
be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the
instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the
instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are
allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to
another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you
walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and
true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out
interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions
and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down
violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the
instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all
leaving after one hour to go drink).
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some
point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy.)
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor
asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light
bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked
up to a clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes,
put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom
of the opera" until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you
know the class is very small, and the instructor would
recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to
every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly,
say "you don't really expect me to waste my time o this
drivel? "Days of our Lives" is on!!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy.
Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When
they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin
whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest
proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary
numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam,
relate everything to your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with
sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way
through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because
you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is
obvious...like history notes for a calculus exam...
otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked
out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment
"Please use the attached notes for references as you
see fit."
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to
any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of
him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around
like they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right
next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc...
sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks,
chairs, anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards
at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes.
If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a
copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the
instructor to find the section on musical instruments during
finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor
So and So Sucks".
1. During Communion, when handed the wafers, declare loudly: "No
thanks,
I'm a pagan."
2. When the minister invites the congregation to pray, pull out a drum
and
start chanting.
3. Make change from the collection plate.
4. During the sermon, keep raining your hand.
5. Keep referring to Jesus as "God's Bastard".
6. Get "the spirit". (This works best in Catholic or Southern Baptist
venues)
7. While the rest of the congregation is singing "Michael Row the Boat
Ashore" try to start rounds of "Row, Row, Row your Boat".
8. Ask if the communion wafers come with dipping sauce. If anyone
answers
"No" pull out a bottle of honey mustard.
9. Vomit.
10. Ask to sing in the choir. Pick your nose the entire time.
11. Bring the Sunday comics section. Read during sermon. Laugh out
loud.
12. Same as #11, but add Silly Putty.
13. Keep bringing up the Spanish Inquisition.
14. Wash your hands in the holy water fount. (Hint: Bring your own
soap)
15. Fart. Loudly. Blame it on the little blue-haired lady sitting in
front
of you. Repeat often.
16. Tarot readings during Sunday School.
17. During the invitation, step into the aisle, walk halfway to the
front.
Stop. Change your mind. Turn around and run, screaming frantically,
until
you're outside.
18. After every hymn, during that brief moment of silence, sing "Shave
and a
Haircut, Two Bits!"
19. Bring pets.
20. Pretend you don't speak English (or whatever language is
predominant)
21. Think ballpark. Think food vendor. Become an entrepreneur.
22. Pretend you're at a concert. Bring a beach ball.
23. Come in on crutches. Halfway through service, stand up and shout
"I'm
healed!!" Fall down. (Optional: Repeat several times)
24. Bring your own incense.
25. Have a pizza delivered. Ask for extra wine during communion.
26. Attend services in drag.
27. Keep asking, "Where do the goats get sacrificed?"
28. Two words: Super Soaker.
Blind Man's Dog
Statues
Nun-Man
Bar Football
Big Brother
S.H.I.T.
TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:
20 MORE WAYS TO CONFUSE YOUR ROOMATE
Final Exam
Things to do to get kicked out of Church