wow! that was fun, too many ?s though. this is my first entry, not much to say, oh well, bye!
The hopping bunnies means that I upgraded in between the entries. I always keep my first one up cause I like it. I'm writing it in reverse cronological order so you may want to start from the bottem.
Here's a list of my friends' alias that I'll be using on this site.
i want to lose weight by the time he leaves. my mom has been bugging me about my college essays non stop! can't she get her own life? i hate it. the more she nags me the more i dont' want to work on it. i just want some independence. and she got all upset at me for wanting to go running without her. geeze, i'm a seventeen year-old
so i was frustrated last night, and decided to play tetris. i beat his score and a lot of other peoples. i guess it made me feel better. but of course he got really upset and started calling me a liar and stuff. i wasn't supposed to play tetris for a week, so that i would get rusty, and he could catch up. so of course he's upset. i can't believe he's upset, when i'm not the one who's flirting with another guy.
ugh, i was so irritated today because my friend talked to my boyfriend about her relationship with this guy! she told him that they played in cars and at his house and did stuff naked and other stuff like that. and he told her stuff about our relationship!! and i just feel terrible because i don't have friends i can have close conversations with. and now he is telling me that he wants to flirt with girls in college. and that he's been talking to this girl allegra, and borderline flirts with her. and allegra is such a cute girl she's tiny, and has the perfect body. i don't know! i'm so irritated
I saw west side story! punohoiph performed it. Ï was in it. he was bernardo. which is kind of strange because he doesn't look puerto rican. some other people i know are in it too. ¾ and another girl from ballet. it was really good. but eth; banged his car in the parking lot. his mom was mad. he had a few other driving mishaps. it wasn't too bad though. we went to that cemetery in manoa. that was fun. i hope he doesn't get too down on himself about the car and driving and everything
so we have these prom transportation problems. i don't know how we're going to get there. we need a limo because eth;'s mom doesn't want him to drive. but then we need people to fill the limo, and he arranged stuff with one friend who doesn't have a date, so he needs a date, but he's not doing much about it, so eth; has to make all these plans and it's giving him a headache. but today he called me while i was driving home and basically took it out on my message machine and attacked how i never pick up my phone. i was driving! geese...
i saw these two guys at ala moana trying to fly a sponge bob kite. it was quite funny i must say.
Okay, i think the underlying problem is that he's probably going to go to uc davis or maybe santa clara. and i don't really want to go there. I mean, i want to go there because he's there, but i never even pictured myself at a school like uc davis. all the schools i was planning on applying to are small liberal arts colleges. i don't know if he realizes what i'd be giving up. and he keeps pressuring me into considering what kind of major i want and what kind of job. not only am i only a junior in high school, but i like to be free and to keep my future free.
eth; can be really annoying. i dunno. like i said that when i'm in college i want to be in a musical and he thought that that would be like changing my identity or something weird like that. i dunno. it's stupid. and i said that i've always wanted to try to be in one because it looks like fun and because i think it would be fun to just try something new. and he thought it was stupid to do something just for the sake of trying something new. and then he said something about how he's particular about the kind of girl he likes and that he likes the really bookish kind of girl. i should be able to do whatever i want in college.
i got a beautiful dress from neiman marcus for prom. it's ivory, and eth; approved. i love it.
I was trying on prom dresses with my mom and she noticed this bump on my butt. so we went to the doctor and he prescribed some antibiotics. it was pretty awkward.
So i haven't had my period in a really long time. like over 60 days. i think i'm really messed up this time. i've never had a cycle this long before.
I don't know why i've been so tired lately. tired and unmotivated. and when i go home all i do is eat and try to do other things to keep me from eating. but never my homework. and i'm so tired during the day. i feel like i'm dragging myself around and i can't get through ballet. i don't know why.
So eth; went on his trip to oregon over the spring break. i miss him a lot.
so remember that girl who eth; thought was more special than me, and who was in my bio class with the whole aquarium thing, and happens to be the most obnoxious girl ever? well she practically came up to him today and said, come with me, we're going to ka wai ola. and he already promised he'd stay with me. and then she went on to say that he has to go with her, because i care more about him and i'll forgive him. what kind of logic is that??? why is she encouraging him to take advantage of my love for him? so i stuck it to her and said, ka wai ola's not that important. no one reads it. i think she was completely shocked. but i'm glad i said it because it's totally true. so he ended up going to for a bit, and i just had to wait outside. i was pretty upset. i should've just gone to my class.
Ugh! i'm so mad at ñ! so ð and i snuck up to her and her boyfriend during jr function and snagged a picture of them dancing just for kicks. apparently, her ahole boyfriend got mad and later told ñ that eth; and his ex had sex! i mean, eth; didn't even tell him that, it's not his information to give? and what was he trying to get out of telling ñ? that's got to be the most uncalled for thing ever. anyway, so what ñ did, was she actually eth; if he did or not! the nerve!!! and then get this, then she asked if we were considering it!!! i'm so upset at her, i can't even talk about it. especially since she's always been so critical about my and ¥'s boyfriends when her's is the deutsch.
so, there's a jazz workshop with the dancers giodanni dance company, and i signed up to go, but it's on monday march tenth, which is ð and my one year anniversary. i asked him if he had a ka wai ola meeting that day and whether i should go, and he eventually said no and that he could skip out on ka wai ola. so i decided to skip it since not a lot of people signed up for it.
So jr. function was really fun. i hope my pictures turned out nice. i guess i'm sad that i didn't get to spend that much time with my friends because we all had dates and i had to hang around with ð we saw his ex's mom there before we got on the bus and she took our picture which was really awkward, i don't know why she did that. i felt pressured to eat the junk there. ð and i had a fun time dancing and we snuck a picture of ñ and her date dancing. it was so funny. we sat out on the grass too, like we did last year. i guess later i was kind of irritated how it was my function but we still hung out a lot with his friends that were there. especially with that sophomore girl that he asked out sometime before we were going out. they would just talk about things i didn't know and in french too sometimes. and then he started singing a really annoying song in french about why he doesn't listen to french music. i was really irritated at my parents, because as soon as i got off the bus, they called me and said they were there already. geese, i told my mom i'd call her when i get at school. i wanted to hang out for a bit, plus i felt bad because ð had to wait a long time at school after i left. they're just so irritating like that. they better not be like that for prom and graduation and everything.
ð doesn't like ← . I mean they're friends, but he thinks that ← likes me, or at least used to, or something. I don't know. i think it might be that he just doesn't like my guy friends, i mean, earlier he told me that he didn't like ¾, and I really never saw that before. but i mean, i have to deal with his overly posesive and emotional ex, and he has a lot of friends that are girls. I guess i am pretty harsh on some of them though, but that was because of that one time that he said they were more special than me.
ñ has been having secret meetings with her senior friend. i was kind of suspicious, but it all came out in the open today. but now she wants to go to function with him, but she's already going with ←. so later today she told ← that that girl who was in my biology class wanted to go with him, and that she started going out with this senior dude who she wants to take. I think he took it well. oh, and she did convince ‰ to take that other senior guy. so it all worked out.
ð didn't get his license
is there something wrong with me? today, while i was supposed to be in street class, i ran over to the mall and went to longs drugs. i walked around in there for a while, nervous as hell. the words were at the tip of my tongue "do you know if you have any syrup of ipecac?" i was looking for someone young, who probably wouldn't know enough to suspect anything of me, but experienced enough that they would know if they carry it, without having to ask another worker. i ended up asking this middle aged woman filling up the gift wrap isle. she didn't know what it was, and had to ask the tall plump asian fellow, who had to ask the small skinny asian fellow. they were talking about it and i heard the woman say "eww" i said something about my mom and i going on a trip and making a first aid kit and something about how i have allergies, i don't even remember. they said that i would have to special order it so i said i'd come back with my mom. i bought some "softlips" chapstick and got out of there. i can't believe i did that. when i was walking back to the ymca, i saw my mom park her car. i was scared out of my mind. i made it to the ymca without her seeing me. when she came to pick me up, i just said that the teacher had somewhere to go, which is why we ended a little early.
ð and i want to make it. we want to stay together. i want to be with him forever
I went to ð's house again. his parents aren't coming home for another few days. we were walking to the bus stop and there was this strange guy who came up to us and said hi. he put his arm around me. as we left ð noted his special olympics button. when we were on the bus, we passed something about the uss arizona and i didn't know what that was. ð said something like, "are you kidding me? i thought that was common knowledge." that ticked me off, but i was trying not to be too upset. When we got to our house he turned on the history channel and said "there's a special on presidents right now" i asked him "would that give me an average person's knowledge?" he said "you have more than an average person's knowledge, you just missed one thing along the way... that didn't make it sound much better either, sorry" but it still made me feel better. it was really fun. he said that i had let the beast out that day, which i thought was kind of funny. he asked me if i would have been ready for sex. i said that i didn't know. he asked me if i thought i would be ready by april, before his prom and i did a smilish nod, half "yeah" of approval sort of maybe thing. after a while we were lying there and he said "we have to stay like this, forever" he moved to the edge of the bed to look out the window. i felt stinging in my eyes and bits of water rolling from them. I tried to make it stop. He looked back at me and asked, "are you crying?" "you're leaving" i squeaked into his ear. he started kissing my eyes. like he did before i left to london. "no one's ever cried for me like that before...you cry about my absence when i'm right here" and he continued to say, "nothing's going to be the same after right now" i could here the music, "if this world were a flower garden" he drove us back to the dole cannary. he started singing "sunny" as soon as the song started. i was amazed that he knew what song it was going to be. "age of aquarius" "let the sunshine" "some people want to fill the world with silly love songs" "if you're going to san fransisco" we talked and laughed, and the bright sun shone. but when we got to the intersection at dole, we saw my mom and brother in the car right to the left of us. i pretended not to see them. it was one of the most nerving moments of my life. we saw the jumper, but the whole time we were both scared as heck as to whether they saw us or not. when they picked me up, after awhile, my brother said, "so i see ð got his license" my mom replied "really?" and i said "yeah" and never brought it up again.
ð's parents went away for the weekend on a ski trip, so we decided to go to his house. he asked me if i would be ready for sex, and i said that i didn't think so. i told my mom that we were going to see a movie in pearlridge, so she dropped me off there. i met ð there and we drove to his house, eventhough he only has his permit. it was fun. he paid me back for all the yeah... it kind of hurt because of his teeth. i felt more relaxed though. i think i might have orgasmed, but i can't tell. then we went to a good japanese restaurant that he likes.
^ isn't allowed to take ballet at ballet hawaii anymore!! i don't get why, but ms pam called and told her that she can't take classes only certain days of the week. i think it's stupid. i'd understand if it was during a performance time, but we aren't even working on anything right now. i think ms pam is just being bitter and i think she had a previous issue with mr. mailey, ^'s ballet teacher at midpac, who has been scheduling all of ^'s rehearsals. i'm just sad that i never see her anymore.
Junior function is coming around again. wow, that was fast. i can't believe it's been almost a year. ÿ is going with one of the guys she's been going on camera whoring outings with. he's nice, really smart and a really talented musician. I used to hang out with him and my good friend from elementary school and some others back in junior school. it was funny though, ñ asked ← to go with her. She said that she was going to call a senior to ask him, but she chickened out and asked the first person who logged onto aim. I hope she's okay with that. now she's trying to get ‰ to go with the senior that she went with last year. i think she should, it would be fun. but she doesn't want to abandon that really shy, sweet annoying girl i used to biology with.
I was running at magic island and this guy said "hey baby" i couldn't tell if he was talking to me so i just kept running. on my next lap he did it again, and asked me what my name is. it was kind of awkward.
¥ has a new boyfriend. He's nice and I kind of know him. I don't know him that well though. It's good because she really likes him. I can't tell it's different from her first one, who she was really good friends with and then just kind of went along when he started liking her. But I became friends with that guy because i guess he's kind of more personable. Her new boyfriend doesn't talk much, so I don't know him as well. But he's really nice.
i went back to ballet. i'm super rusty!!! this is the longest i've not taken class.
ms. pam has gone off the deep end. she won't let ^ take classes at ballet hawaii anymore because she can only come on certain days. how does that make sense?
i saw the cutest movie in french. and for once the main actor isn't older than me. it makes me feel old. but he's a really good singer.
carnival was so much fun this year. i hung out with ð a lot. we went on the zipper and the super sizzler, where i was practically crushing him, and the ferris wheel. we also got caught behind griffiths by mr hata, of all people! that was so scary, and now it's really awkward. ð and i got about 11 cows at the kiddie games. that was fun because they were trying so hard to get rid of all their stuff by the time we got there, i barely had to try. i worked with ¾ at bean soup, which was fun, and the librarian took our picture. then student worker committee had me running all over the place to find somewhere for my second shift, since purchasing, ‰'s booth, didn't need me anymore. i moved to bowling so that i could work with ←, but he was busy. but i wish i got to hang out with my friends more
I saw ð in the variety show tonight. he was the president of the military history club. there was a dance afterward too. it was super fun.
famous amos came to talk to us in chapel today. he was so hilarious!!!
it was raining really hard, and i was waiting at the road to get picked up by my dad. Ï came along with his umbrella. he shared his umbrella with me, and we caught up. it was fun. i'm glad. i knew not bringing an umbrella to school would pay off one day.
I bought fabric for my dress. i'm nervous cuz i haven't sewn in a long time. and i just spent over 400 dollars on materials for the dress. i can't mess this up. it's going to be a light salmon pink with gold lace. view a. so the short one with no sleeves. i hope it turns out nice.
ð got mad at me again. i can never tell when he's going to do that. i don't want to live in constant fear of making him angry. he can really yell. it makes me bottle up, and i don't respond. he doesn't like that. then he started attacking the way my parents brought me up. that really got at me. he pretty much said that i'm flaky because my parents always told me "it's okay" whenever i messed up. which is very not true.
My brother is rather irritating.
My brother had two friends over the vacation. one is his friend from japan. the second one who came is his best friend from school.
i just blew all my finals...whoot!
i'm 17! i can't believe it. i feel so old. ð and i went to see sweeney tod. my first r-rated movie. it was fun. the movie sucked though.
i've been late for a while. ð is getting all worried that i'm pregnant eventhough we didn't even have sex. i know it's just becaues my cycles are naturally messed up and because i've put my body through so much stress recently. but he scares me sometimes when he talks about it.
my aunty mabel died. why do people keep dying, why???
i can't stop eating! i keep gaining weight, and i can't stop eating. i gained 14 lbs, in a week and a half. how is that possible?!? i dunno, this is so frustrating, and i can't stop. i worked so hard to lose about half the amount of weight that i just gained.
Christmas was so much fun. thank you santa for an awesome year.
i watched funny girl and funny face. two great movies. amazing actors. and i feel like i can relate to both characters
i went to my grandma's house after going home and taking a shower. when my popo saw me she said, "did you take a shower?" and i said "yes" and she said "go dry your hair" but i didn't i was so sick of not being good enough for people and being told what to do, that i didn't even try, i just sat there.
ð blew up at me again because i didn't try to contact him on christmas. i know that was terrible of me, but i slept practically all day, and then went to my cousin's house. i don't see how he can get so angry just like that. and the next day, he made a big deal about how when he says he's going to sleep i say "yeah, okay" i didn't realize that he found it so offensive. god, i wish he could just suck it up sometimes
^ and Î are terrific. they helped me with my quick change every night, and they are just so good friends. i'm so sad that this was Î last nutcracker, it really won't be the same without her next year. ^ was my secret santa this year again! and she did it right! she gave me a really cute top, too. i love them both
this was actually my best performance yet, because i made it the best. and all my family came to watch, and they all loved it. i feel so incredibly happy. i can't describe it. friday night was magical, but tonight really meant something to me. i cried during the snow pas. i cried during the sugar plum fairy pas. i love the ballet, i love the theatre, i love the dancers, i love the girls, i love my family, and my life, because it's just all so wonderful. i checked my voicemail, and i guess he left a pretty good message, but i think i found out through this experience that he doesn't care what's going on in my life and what i'm going through emotionally. he doesn't have the capacity too. i just wanted to share, because he always shares with me, and i thought he would appreciate the same, but i've discovered the contrary. but i'm okay with that. i just didn't know that that's how he was. so i won't expect any more from him
i woke up at five this morning, and couldn't go back to sleep, i just had so much anxiety. so i basically got four hours of sleep. i kept thinking about how i only had one more chance, for another entire year, and that in just a few hours, everything i've been working for would be completely over. and all i wanted was for ð to just say "good job" once. i wanted to be able to share the happiness that dancing made me feel with someone else, and i wanted that person to be him. i'm so tired of trying to do things to make me fall asleep while i'm writhing in anxiety. like eating walnuts and cherries and milk and listening to music and that stupid lavender thing. i wish my mom would let me take a sleep pill so i wouldn't feel so afflicted. i just want to sleep! i need my sleep. i want the rest, the comfort. but i can't! god, i'm so frustrated. i kept crying, but i didn't want my eyes to be puffy, but i started getting frantic, and screaming and throwing my body around. and my mom got upset, but i had to let out my frustration. and i tried to explain it to her. guh! my mom said that ð might be having a hard time because he's under so much stress, and when guys see other people having success, it makes them feel like they are out of control. that could be it. but, i've been in the corp my whole life. i know what it's like to be in the gutter for a long time. and i wish he could just be happy for me this once because it is a big deal for me. we went to jamba juice and got a double matcha green tea shot. so, i called him, and i was going try confide in him, don't ask me why. but when we started talking, he just started complaining about how all i talked about last night was my performance and that i haven't been listening to him or caring about what was going on in his life. i don't know where he gets this for god's sake! maybe i talked about my performance last night because he came to see it last night. i mean he talks about his college apps every frickin day! and moreover, i can't believe he bothered me with this a few hours before my performance. he doesn't realize the mental and emotional concentration it requires to do what i do. i told him that i always ask him how he's feeling and how his things are going. it made him feel a bit sorry. taking class was helpful, it didn't clear my mind, but it did help center me at give me peace. so did being with my friends. especially because we were all full of spirit because it was the last day. i didn't answer any of his later calls or check my voicemail because i knew that i couldn't take the risk of him taking me out of my performance zone plus, i didn't have the time. the green tea tastes gross, but i drank it all an hour before the performance.
tonight went really well too. or i think it went just as well as last night. except timour, the lead trepak didn't want to do his cool solo bow, so he bowed with us, but i didn't know which way he was running after the bow, so as i ran off, i ran in front of him. i totally violated the ballet code of ethic. but i he's such an experienced dancer, and i'm only a girl, and this isn't a very important performance for him, so i think it will be alright. ð came to watch tonight. he gave me some beautiful white roses. i haven't seen him since monday. his mom thought i did really well. i really don't think he could care. or i thought he would. i wanted to tell him all the things that i was feeling, and share with him the things that were happening in my life. most of all, i wanted to do well tonight because he was watching. but he didn't even mention anything. so, i asked him how he was feeling because he's been sick for a while, and how his college apps were going. and that night, all he talked about was his college apps, and i only mentioned the performance that has been the center of my universe since i was five one time the entire night. and he said something about all he wanted was to have support and attention. and i couldn't take anymore of his talking, especially since i needed sleep for the next performance.
opening night went well. wow i feel like i'm floating on a cloud. i can't believe i did it. it's amazing. the people, the lights, everything. i feel so enchanted. i mean tonight had its few rough spots, but over all, it felt so wonderful. i only hope the next two nights go as well, that would be my dream come true. oh, and i got a lei from ms pam on stage. or the bon bons gave out leis after the bows to some important dancer, and ella came up to me and said that ms pam told her to give one of the trepak girls a lei. that was exciting. i got to mingle with some of the professionals at the cast party after ward. i actually felt like i was kind of important.
i went running today, it made me feel so good. it does that sometimes. it feels unbelievable. i did pilates out on the patio today. it was the best things ever. it was so uplifting. i think i'm going to do that every day, before my performance
okay, i take that back, the muscle below my right rib cage has been hurting recently.
i feel like i don't know my body as well as i did before. i was so in tune with it on maui, and at auditions. i think that those two times, i was technically at my peek. i just want that sensation again for these next performances. but, i haven't taken a good class in a while. the dorsal sides of my feet feels strained, but at least i don't have any muscle aches
Î never ended up going to her winter ball. she thought it would be too risky, especially because mr. vernons here and everything. she was right. the other girl from iolani decided to go to the ball, and miss rehearsal, so ms pam kicked her out of waltz, and put Î in her place. i can't believe it. that was really harsh. i just feel so bad for her. ^ and Î told her too, because they wanted to let her know before ms pam told her. it was difficult.
we found the marzipan dress, which means the casting is pretty much the same, just that girl who came back from that ballet school is doing chinese, and ^ is in spanish. this also means that i'm still middle trepak, but also that we're doing single pirouettes. gah, i really wanted to do doubles because that's what makes trepak difficult. that's what ms pam looks for when she casts for it. and if all goes well, i'm not doing trepak again, so i'll never do it in it's full glory. oh well, at least i get lifted.
i like egrets. i see them once in a while in hawaii. i think they're so serenely pretty. and they can be quirky to
I the last time i ate was yesterday at 4pm, and it is currently 8pm
ð's parents are on a ski trip, so i went to his house so that we could hang out in a private place by ourselves. we met at the mall, and took a bus to a stop about 2 miles from his house and we walked the rest of the way. i was nervous because we've never really been alone like that before, but he promised me that the first time we were alone like that, that we would not have sex. i'm not going to go into every detail, but we did a lot of stuff. it was fun. but then we were running late, and i had to go to ballet, and it became a pretty big mess, because my dad was supposed to pick me up back at the mall again. my parents got worried when we weren't there and it all just kind of blew up. although i was not late to my rehearsal because it started 15 minutes late. but today was really special.
i didn't do so well at washington place. i was freezing cold and still from the question and answer part. and it's just exhausting and not that fun an experience when you're that fatigued. i hope ms pam wasn't watching.
the ymca performance was os much fun! and ‰, ñ, and ÿ came to watch me. it was fun, they've never seen me dance before.
i was late to the ymca rehearsal, and they actually weren't mad! i was so scared they'd be mad because i was an hour late because of my nutcracker rehearsal. i love the shirts you can buy at them. but jeeze, i love watching them cuz they're so good. street looks like so much fun. i wonder if, i keep it up, if i'll get that good.
I made these cool candles. i got candles and i lit them, and waited for the wax to melt so that i could put pine needles in the wax. it's so much easier than actually trying to make the candles
i need school to be over! it will be over soon, i'm so happy!
we're doing nutcracker stuffs at washington place, which is like a historical house near the capitol. we're doing it for some of queen liliuokalani's under privaleged children or something like that. i'm just so tired. and it's on the same day as ymca performance and the day after that too.
i took pictures for nutcracker today. it was so much fun! with î and we just took it on our own and chose our own poses because ms pam was so busy. i like it better that way. plus, i was trying to avoid her. i think i took a good trepak picture.
it turns out that that girl can't dance for another few months! i don't know how the casting is going to go. the other two girls will do marzipan for sure, but trepak is still somewhat up in the air. i thought ¡ was going to do her part in snow, but this other girl who used to take from ballet hawaii came home. she would be a senior at punahou this year, but she left to go to a ballet school. she's so pretty and super skinny and an amazing dancer, god, i didn't realize. it's so weird having her back, and kind of depressing on my self esteem. so she's doing that part in snow, and chinese lead.
there's a 3o'clock rehearsal for ymca, and it's manditory, and i had a moral break down today, wondering if i should go to that rehearsal or the ballet hawaii one. i mean i missed both of last weeks ymca rehearsals because i was in maui, and i just feel really bad about practically shafting them like this, and it's not a fair thing for me to do to them. so, long story short, i argued about it for a while with my mom, and i ended up going to the ymca. but i don't think they'd even notice if i weren't there. i was just frustrated at my mom because she was like, "i think you've put too much into ballet hawaii to throw it away" i know how much i put into ballet hawaii! i'm the one who put it in! and then she was like "well at least you'll always have maui" the nerve!
maui was so much fun! i actually ended up getting lifted! by jonathan poretta. he was super nice, and pretty, i guess...i had a hard time sleeping though. Î and ^ were my roommates, it was super fun. i got to see a video too, ms. pam made us keep watching them. i really think friday night was the best performance of my life. i had some trouble sleeping though, so i don't think sunday was quite as good. one girl from snow fell though. she was in marzipan and snow. we had to cut her part down in snow a lot, and the girl who did spanish lead also did her part in marzipan. it was pretty traumatizing. i wonder how she feels
i might be middle trepak! after we did the dance, ms pam was like, okay, this needs a lot of work. and she told me to go in the middle. that means i might be lifted! eventhough the tallest one is supposed to go in the middle. but that's good too. ¡ was getting so cocky about being trepak, just because it was ±'s favorite. that's like her purpose in life
ð is so messed up! so he has this whole thing with his ex, and then he tells me that it's not her, it's because he has these weird crush things for these two other girls. one, that he used to really like a while ago, and she's in college now, and the other who's a year younger than me, and in our pe class. i don't get it. but he says that he still loves me, and that they're nothing and he doesn't understand why he has these thoughts and whatever. and i asked him if he'd still take care of me, and he said he would. but later in the conversation he was said something about how my conversation skills are getting better, which really erked me. he's always after something that's wrong with me, like i'm his project or something. i called robert, and left a message because he said i could call him if i'm ever lonely.
Today, after french, i saw ð waiting for me outside my classroom. he was really distraught. we went behind griffiths and he got in the fetal position. i came over i put my arms around him, and he told me that he kissed his ex! he asked me to come to his econ class with him, so i did, and there she was. then we went back to griffiths and well, we skipped pe. yeah, i don't know what we're going to do about that. i don't get why he did it, or how it happened, all he's been telling me is that he was incredibly stupid. He feels really, undescribably bad, though. i mean he's coming down on himself really hard. but there's nothing i can do about because i think he should be coming down really hard on himself because he did it to himself. and me. but i forgive him, and i'm trying to be loving and supporting even though i feel like dirt. i didn't get mad at him though. but i can't take it. why are they like that. i don't know, but it's actually not affecting me as much as i thought it would or as much as i think it should, actually.
okay, i need to somehow stop eating that autumn wheat cereal. i get so addicted to it. i practically ate an entire box today. i tried to throw it up, but it didn't work, again. i don't think i'll ever be able to make myself do that. i suppose that's a good thing.
i met this guy when i was running at magic island today. i was jogging, and he was passing by with his boogie board. ok, note, he was a considerably older guy, like midforties i'd guess. but he was like "ah, exercising" and "you in highschool?" then "oh, well you're gorgeous" i was really flattered. i kept jogging and we crossed paths again. he asked me what i was thinking about for college and i told him i wasn't sure, and he asked me if i liked science or art better, and i said science, so we started talking about disease research for asians like for malaria and so forth, and how asians can die from anesthesia, because their blood is thinner. and then he started talking about engineering, and said that he was an engineer. he was really nice, borderline creepy, but it was the longest conversation i ever had with a stranger.
It was so scary today. She put me and some other people in spanish. i don't want to do spanish! we tried all the costumes and everything. i thought i was done for. then she tried to see everyone else in trepak, and none of them rehearsed it. so she asked some of the spanish girls which they would rather be in. i said trepak, and guess what? now i'm in it!!!!!!! for maui at least. it would be a godsend, if i'm spanish on o'ahu.
Î started crying today to. it's just the pressure ms pam put on us with that speech when we already give her so much. i mean Î has made so many sacrifices, with debate and everything, and time over all. and she's just under so much stress because of college apps too. we got her a chocolate bar and wrote her a card to help her feel better
I missed a stupid make up session today and ms. pam was upset. and then later she gave a whole speech about how everyone has to come to the makeup workshops and comit their time to looking their best for the performance. well you know what? i haven't missed a single rehearsal. i've been kissing her feet for the past who knows how long! and she can't expect me to all of a sudden make time for stupid makeup workshops a couple days in advanced. i have my street class at the same time. and guess what, there's a mandatory rehearsal for street that i can't go to, because i'll be in maui. also that i just found out about today. can't dance teachers learn to tell you these things in advanced?
Okay, this is what i have to do. i have to do at least trepak this year, and marzipan next year. and do spaanish during one of those years. trepak and marzipan are back to back, so if i get spanish this year, i'm literally scewed.
Aagh! I've had enough! all ð ever does is complain. first about is life, which is supposedly stressful, and then about me. okay, i bet he's not even as busy as me, i am going insane, but he doesn't know because i never complain. even that other time when i was completely trashed, i didn't complain to him that night. all he ever does is complain. and then it really gets to me when he complains about me. and especially when he starts going, "i never do this to you, i never do that" like he's so perfect. Well, i never complain about him!!! it just hurts so much when he complains about me. a few nights ago, i couldn't go to sleep until four o'clock because i was thinking about it, and last night i started crying, and i had to sleep with my mom. i can't take it. i already feel like trash because of the whole marzipan thing, my dreams since i was three, cut down before my eyes once again. and i frickin tried to induce vomiting the other day! and now my boyfriend doesn't think care about him and has an endless list of complaints about me. god, i suck at everything!!! and it just tears me down more and more everytime. i have to learn how to just ignore it because usually by the next day or day after at least, he's past it. so i have to learn how to ignore just the terrible parts.
I fewwl so gross! i ate crap today, basically. way too much cereal, fish, gross salads, lasagna, and the richest brownie and icecream at the opera ball today. When i got home, i tried to throw up for the first time. i got my fingers back there, but it didn't work. i did spit out some of it, but not much came out. i feel disgusting.
I love my mom. she let me skip math this morning, because i was so tired from yesterday. i got to school, and there ð was talking to his ex. i went over and sat down. and all they do is talk about stupid stuff that sounds important. i'm totally out of it, i don't care anymore about trying to be anything in front of her, god. but they just keep going and geeze, they change subjects super fast. i don't care! well, at least ð is awesome, i love him. he saw that i was really down, and took me out of that hell hole, and hugged me, and kissed me, and made me feel a lot better. but i couldn't make the words come out of my mouth, saying everything that was really wrong
i am so fed up! First i am so frustrated because i have so much work. practically every half hour of my day is planned. i have to do homework for some of my classes during my other classes. And to top it all off, i know i'm not going to be marzipan...god, i'm so upset. She asked this other girl who's always been a favorite of ms. pam's. ever since she was little. but now she's huge, and doesn't come to class. i think my technique is even better than her's now. but she's done marzipan for the past two or three years, so ms. pam does trust her. but still! agh. and then ms. pam made me stay after rehearsal even longer to try on princess costumes for the stupid romeo and juliette opera ball, where i literally run around and do nothing, which i had to spend three hours rehearsing yesterday. and i have so much homework!!! I'm falling apart. and to top it off, my mom made me eat a lot, and she said that i'm getting too skinny. my dad said that a few days ago too. god, i knew i lost some wieght, but that was a while ago, and i didn't think it was enough to be noticable. it was only about five pounds total since before i left to london. at my lowest, i'm 97 lbs, right now, but i'm usually between 98 and 99. but can't i control anything in my life? ugh. i'm not going to be able to study for my free response for APUSH which is tomorrow because i'm so fed up with this. ugh.
I didn't get to be anything for halloween, because we never came up with anything. ð and i were going to be peanut butter and jelly but it never happened, because he's been so dazed and frustrated. it's my fault too though, becuase i couldn't think of any good ideas. although, i was really cute for halloween. i wore this really cut black out fit, basically it looks like a cute black mini button down dress, that goes into a pair of shorts instead of a skirt. I put a bright orange ribbon through the loop holes around my waste and tied it in a bow on one side. i carried around a plastic pumpkin bag, with a bunch of little pumpkins that i gave to people. ð was a beatnick. he wore his beret with a pair of aviator sunglasses. He was SUPER CUTE. He played quiditch with his friends on the quad too. it was so cool. we hung out after school. it was poring rain, but i thought it ws fun. although he hates the rain.
oh, and robert called me today, when i was out with ð and he was being all spacey. he told me how he was at the hospitol and something about drinking alcohol and he was trying to reach someone, but dialed a 2 instead of a 3. i asked him if he was okay, but he said no, well i don't blame him. but he said that god would take care of him. best wishes to you out there, robert!
It was ð eighteenth birthday today. I can't believe he's an adult. And we actually didn't have school today. It was some teacher day, so we were going to go to his house because there wouldn't be anyone at home. But his mom and dad took off from work, and we couldn't go to my house, because my dad doesn't have a job right now. We were both really dissapointed. i didn't know what to get him. i got him jazz101, which wasn't really about jazz itself, more about history, so i knew it waouldn't be that interesting to him, but i couldn't find anything better. i video taped myself dancing to "everytime we touch" for him to. i hope he doesn't think that's too strange. we walked all around chinatown. he was really out of it for most of the day, and it was really frustrating. i just wanted to have a good time together on his birthday, but he was so out of it. we finally stopped walking around after a few hours and found a place to eat at a chinese noodle shop. he was staring off into space, and as i move my head to try to get his attention, i hit the bowl of soup that the lady was bringing to our table. not much of it spilled, but i did get some of it on my hair and pants. we went to punahou, back to behind griffiths, where he was still really out of it. i tried to hold him, to make him feel better, or something. well but we did do something new...he kind of took my hand put it over his crotch and had me sort of rub it. he later started kissing my boob and stuff, and i'm not quite sure what happened, but i made him ejaculate. yeah, that was interesting...but at least he was happier
I went to the claremont reception today. it was okay. i'm actually really interested in pitzer but my mom is like "you can't go there..."
I got to work at an okinawan fashion show today. it was pretty fun. I got to dress up all the special guests. the models were so tall. i felt kind of out of place because i wasn't one of the designated helpers, but everyone was really nice.
This guy robert called me. he had the wrong number, but he was super nice. he said that i sounded very lovely and that he had a knack for voices. he said to keep his number in case i get lonely, so i did. i don't know if i'll ever call him.
i did four pirouettes today!!! en pointe too
I went to see across the universe with ð today. It was pretty good. afterward we went to ward warehouse and we snuck into a bathroom... that was fun
ð got me so upset today. I don't know how we got onto the subject but somehow we did and he was talking about how some people are just special or something and he used the worse example. he said that he was talking to dr. traymore, my ap us history teacher and asked him who he mentored (because he's an apush mentor) and he said, me, carrie and susan, who are girls i'm fairly good friends with. and she said, "oh, carrie did really well" and "susan, she did well too" but then she said that she didn't remember how i did. god, why would he even tell me this? before i knew it, i started walking away, and he pulled me back. but, god you just don't tell people that. aaaaaggggghhhh it still bothers me, because i know that everyone else in the world probably feels the same way. but geeze, i was feeling so comfortable with myself. if my own boyfriend doesn't think i'm special, who will?
I was so stupid! I went to the waltz rehearsal to help out because ms. pam asked that a few old waltz's come and help, and i got stuck in waltz!!! i so shouldn't have gone. And marzipan is right before bon bons, which is right before waltz!!! I'm so stupid!!!
today in ballet ms. maria said in the middle of center in fron of the entire class, "'my name', you are working so nice!" I was so happy, and flattered and excited. but now i have to work really hard and be really focused from now on.
I was waiting to cross the street when this really nice chinese man was waiting there too. there were a lot of cars and there was no stop light. when the cars finally stopped he turned to me and said "well, should we cross? we go together, is much safer" he was super nice.
takashi played somewhere over the rainbow, i love that song, i remember when i used to confide in the times he'd play it. i still do.
It's so sad, € got princess. she didn't even get waltz... and all the little girls got snow
I was in the hallway, when ms. pam walked by with a bunch of little kids. she said to me that she sent the letters out from our audition already. she told me that snow+ means snow, a divertisment part. I'm so exited, because this means that that's what's on my letter, or else she wouldn't have told me that.
school started again. it feels kind of weird. but it's nice to see all my friends again.
yeah, the whole masturbating thing became a long tireless conflict. very frustrating. i really don't want to go through the anxiety of describing all the details.
ð and i were behind griffiths, which is like our "spot" if you want to call it that, when i hear someone say something "tardface". I knew exactly who it was. i turned around and saw his exgirlfriend. and then she said something about stupidity and inadequacy, and ugh, it seems like sometimes she's just trying to put me down and make me feel inferior.
well, today was the last day i saw him. we went behind griffiths and he basically did somethings, like kiss my nipples and put his hand in my pants and yeah... i don't know how comfortable i am with this. especially with the whole "you don't masturbate thing?"
well, it was kind of a big deal when i went to london. two weeks away from him is a lot. i love him so much. all i can think about is how much in love we are and how truly special that love is. i can't believe that other people could possibly go throuch the same feelings. we stay up all night talking on aim sometimes till three or four in the morning.
Ever since we took that purity test he's been like, "how is it possible? how can you not masturbate?" I don't get it!!! Why is it such a big deal???
He promised that he wouldn't try something like that for a while. Well guess what, practically three or four days later, I felt his hand crawling up under my shirt. I honestly didn't realize when it past my bra until I felt his finger on my nipple. But, I didn't twitch or anything, I guess i had time to get accustomed to the idea.
The other day, okay, I admit my shirt was really low, but he was feeling my left breast, and it just kept coming lower and lower, and he was, well, he was pulling down lower and lower. I started freaking out, well not really outwardly, but my eyebrow kept twitching, and i eventually "lost balance" and he stopped. I was perfectly fine, it was just overwhelming. you're going to hear me say that word a lot from now on
Yeah, but this piano trio thing really isn't going to work. why did i agree to it?
So ð and i went to the movies to celebrate our 4th month and Bastille day, because he's just that french. So, we saw La vie en rose, because of the frenchness...the most boring movie ever!!! But the boringness of the movie was funny, and we had a good time, and I'm so glad we made up so well.
I've been really busy for and this is the first time i haven't written in here for this long, but i want to give just some of the important points of my life since thenmy last entry.
ð is really upset with me for the first time. He asked me if i loved him or the viola more. I said "hm...probably you". I never thought about stuff like that. i never compare things in my head, i just let them fall wherever they do. Anyway, i hurt him, and i didn't even know, because he was being all round about. But this made it a lot worse because he was really upset at how oblivious i am to his feelings. but i really didn't sense it at all. And i only said that because i thought that if i asked him the same question he would definitely pick the cello over me, and i was trying to protect myself,but i guess i was wrong. well i talked it out with ÿ because she was on aim, which made me feel better.
Ballet was a breather. walking with my mom was too. i listened to my ipod with her and we walked to nuuanu elemantery school so i could run. i hadn't been there in forever. it reminded me of the days i would pick up ¿ with grandma. i ran, and listened to message in a bottle. we walked back home, and when we got close, i sprinted, which i really needed. oooh, and i weigh 101, but not for long.
The next day, it was okay, too, when i saw him, and we talked and held each other and it was fine. until, i realized i had to go to class and i didn't want to leave, and he didn't want me to leave either, so i started crying again, and i don't know why. and i was still crying in class when we were watching a film about mark twain. but when i saw him again, idk... but then i had to go again to get picked up by paul, this guy my parents are hiring to drive me to ballet, and i started to cry a little, but not really. he called me later that day, and left a message. i called him back and woke him up from his nap. he said that it was a good thing he had taken a nap because he was really upset at me earlier. he said that one, from now on we won't think about it anymore, and i won't do any of this crying business because if promised him that i wouldn't judge him on it. and two, that he wasn't a victim and it was his choice, which i knew. i don't know why i cried. i really don't. but we talked about other stuff, idk.
I was talking to ð and somehow we, mainly he, came up with this idea to take a purity test together. It was going okay... until i found out that he had sex with his ex-girlfriend twice. i was completely shocked... cuz one of the questions was, "have you ever thought you had, or gave someone an unwanted pregnancy" and he said yes, and i said what? but he was hesitant to tell me, so i let it pass, well in the comversation, not in my head. we went further along the test, and i think there's something wrong with me cuz i stopped masturbating when i was around in the fifth grade. anyway... yeah. but after we finished that section, he explained to me. it was okay, and we talked, until it got really late, about 1:50ish when he said we should think about logging out soon. It made me start to cry, because i didn't want to be alone with my thoughts. i asked him to stay up just ten minutes longer with me, and he said he would stay up the whole night if i needed him. so we stayed up for ten more minutes until logging off.
I'm doing this cool project for english. i don't know how i'm going to get it done though, with everything. i was supposed to start it already, but i was so busy with little mermaid, i've been kind of putting it off. Anyway, i'm researching different dance styles that have an impact on hawaiian culture. I'm going to make a video and write a fictional story.
ð and i were kissing, and he said to me, "hm, it seems like i'm always the one kissing you" i told him that i'm not as courageous as he is. i finally kissed him, and we were kinda making out and he grabbed my right boob. i kinda pretended to not really notice, but after i felt pretty violated. it wasn't violated in a bad way just strange. i ran over to my hang out cuz for some reason i needed to be with friends. luckily sarah was there. i remember thinking, geeze my brother said that i better not get two second base by the time he gets home from college, and he's coming home in about a week.
I found out that ¥ is going out with this guy, $. i was really surprised, because they're really close friends. i don't know if i believe it
i went to see spiderman 3 with a bunch of people for ‰'s birthday. it was super fun.
Ha, you know what. i suck at driving so much. My driver's ed teacher after two sessions was like, "do you want to reschedule your last session so that we might be able to work on harder stuff." Ugh, oh well.
ð and i went to see blades of glory. it was a lot of fun.
I was sitting and eating my dinner outside the theatre, when i saw this white bird. It was like the white brids that i saw at the cemetary that one time a while ago. The strange thing was that the bird was climbing this vine covered fence that kept going up and up, and it just kept, walking on that fence, not flying.
Little mermaid was a mess. There were what seemed like endless dress rehearsals just for a few shows. for ballet hawaii's nutcracker we only have one dress rehearsal and that's with professionals and the honolulu symphony. she is truly insane. and her make up techniques are truly hideous, although i have to say that most stage make up techniques are. But her daughter came to me the other day with a long list of things i did wrong with dancing and make up and everything. and something that really irritates me is that she let this other girl who was selected to go to maui to see the dalai lama go eventhough it was on the night of final dress rehearsal. earlier this year, when they were considering people to put into a pool to be selected to go, i asked her if i would be able to or not because it is on that night, and she said no. Plus i got this terrible fever over 100° and i think i'm getting everyone in the darn show sick.
Ugh, i can't go to sleep. I'm getting over a fever. i know i have to go to sleep, cuz i have a performance tomorrow, but i'm just so fed up with myself that i can't. huh. My dad came over to try to consol me. it didn't work. i was sitting on the stairs to the family room. i know he tries, but i just can't pour out to him the way i can to my mom.
ð and i have been spending a lot of time together. Or at least we try to, but we hardly ever have breaks together. but i love the time we spend together. what we talk about, and when we kiss or make out, or whatever we do, not really sure, i'm not that exposed to that type of jargon.
I really love this poem he wrote. He submitted it along with a few other things to Ka Wai Ola, which is a hand held book our school publishes every year. I really hope that one of his pieces makes it into the book because that would make him so happy.
wow! that was fun, too many ?s though. this is my first entry, not much to say, oh well, bye!
The hopping bunnies means that I upgraded in between the entries. I always keep my first one up cause I like it. I'm writing it in reverse cronological order so you may want to start from the bottem.
i saw the cutest movie in french. and for once the main actor isn't older than me. it makes me feel old. but he's a really good singer.
famous amos came to talk to us in chapel today. he was so hilarious!!!
i watched funny girl and funny face. two great movies. amazing actors. and i feel like i can relate to both characters
i like egrets. i see them once in a while in hawaii. i think they're so serenely pretty. and they can be quirky to
maui was so much fun! i actually ended up getting lifted! by jonathan poretta. he was super nice, and pretty, i guess...i had a hard time sleeping though. Î and ^ were my roommates, it was super fun. i got to see a video too, ms. pam made us keep watching them. i really think friday night was the best performance of my life. i had some trouble sleeping though, so i don't think sunday was quite as good. one girl from snow fell though. she was in marzipan and snow. we had to cut her part down in snow a lot, and the girl who did spanish lead also did her part in marzipan. it was pretty traumatizing. i wonder how she feels