GLOSSARY:
Preggers = pregnant.
If any other words confuse you, e-mail me for confirmation.
And now to the story…
Nick and I sat at a table outside our VCE centre in the schoolyard. Opposite each other on wooden benches, we each were eating lunch, and talking shit.
“Hey man,” I started “if you were a Siamese twin, and you shared a penis with your brother, would it make you gay to masturbate?”
Nick took a bite of his sandwich. Cheese and lettuce. Swallowing it down, he responded.
“Well one would assume, theoretically, that given the fact that although it’s someone else’s 'member', it’s also yours, and you’re doing it for your own pleasure. But if you were doing it because your twin asked you to, then you would in fact be homosexual… and incestuous.” I thought he was finished, but then: “also there’s the matter of do you drink the semen?” he posed the question thoughtfully. “But all in all, I’d say NO, not gay.” He finally came to a conclusion.
I took a sip of my juice and then continued the conversation.
“Yeah... i dunno man. Something about it seems off. I don't think I could ever be comfortable wanking with a family member next to me, let alone having a family member in my hands.” I took another drink of juice. “Siamese twins are a fucked up thing though.” I added.
“I certainly hate the things.” Nick responded, watching as some Year 11’s played football on the grassy area ahead of us. I finished my Potato Cake roll before posing another question.
“Similar question - if you’re Siamese twin was a pedophile, would it make you one too?”
Nick inhaled the puzzling conundrum as I added a further layer.
“And then, would you have to go to jail for his crimes?”
A few moments of silence preceded Nick’s blunt answer.
“Yes.”
I replied with equal blatancy.
“I'd kick the shit out of my twin if he ever made me go to jail, especially if we shared the same arse. You know what they do to rapists in jail, man.”
“I don’t know if you would.” Nick said evocatively.
“Why not?” I asked, confused.
“Well, 1) You’re already used to anal violation and 2) if you shared the same penis then you most likely shared the same arse, so your anal cavity would most likely enjoy having a throbbing cock/broom handle/baseball bat inserted into it.”
“Why would I already be used to anal violation, if I was said Siamese twin?” I inquired.
“Because pedophiles often engage in sexual encounters with their own parents as young children.” Nick responded quickly. I was taciturn, taking it in. “And the mental effect of which is a depraved indifference as to the suffering of children as sexual objects.” He added as I remained silent. “I suggest sticking your finger in your own anus and seeing how you like it - if it’s uncomfortable but also exciting, you’re a fag!” He said smiling. I pondered pensively.
A few minutes later we had both finished our lunches and were lying down on the benches on either side of the table looking up at the clouds. Suddenly, impeding my view came Mr. Johnson, my English teacher.
“Hi Reece.” he greeted.
“G’day sir.” I responded.
“You ready for the SAC after lunch?” he asked, speaking about the creative writing essay we were doing. It was open topic and I had chosen to write an essay about whether or not all living creatures die alone.
“Sure am, sir.” I said, playfully grinning. He looked down at me and it was obvious that he knew I’d not put any thought or study into the upcoming test. I never did.
“Well, I’m expecting grand things, so it’d better be good.” He remarked before walking off and allowing the clouds to pass over me again. I watched, transfixed by the beauty of something that so many people take for granted, finding solace in that fact. The grandeur of the clouds above, I felt, was mine alone to appreciate, and it gave me an awesome feeling of independence.
Nick broke my stare with a new question.
“If you went back in time and found that your mother’s mother was a total GILF, would you give her the old high hard one, getting her preggers up the clax?”
Most people would be revolted. I meditated on the thought. The Old Michael J. Fox scenario he called it.
“For it might be a matter of fact that you HAVE to get her preggers,” he continued, “and that your mother was in fact your daughter, so that if you DON’T pollute the time line then you’re killing yourself.” It was an interesting question, definitely. “Temporal causality has some grey areas, but they really must be looked into.” He added with finality. I felt it was time for me to answer.
“Would it be an anonymous thing?” I asked. “Because I don't know whether I could handle family dinners with grandma if she knew that I’d traveled back in time and impregnated her.”
I looked at Nick under the table and he looked at me shaking his head softly.
“Oh she wouldn’t know. It’s the Back To The Future scenario.”
“Wouldn’t that make me inbred?” I asked.
“Yeah,” Nick answered. “But better to be inbred than to have never existed at all.”
“I don’t know man. We’ve both seen Wrong Turn. Those guys didn’t look too happy to be alive.”
“Are you kidding me?” Nick said with incredulity. “Living in the mountains, setting traps, killing scantily clad teenagers, those fuckers had it made.”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“Which brings me back to the question: if you went back in time and found that your grandma was hot, would you fuck her? Taking into consideration that it may be that you HAVE to fuck her to remain in existence.”
I thought long and hard about it then answered.
“If she'd never know, and she was hot then shit yeah, I'd fuck my Grandma.” I finally decided. “What about you?” I prodded.
“I’d go her for sure.” He said honestly.
“It’s a lot like my conundrum – if you go back in time and kill your parents before they ever met, would it ever happen? Because, if it does happen, that means you don’t exist, which would cancel the action out – but by canceling the action out, you have also made it happen again because as long as you DID exist, you would go back in time to negate your existence.”
Nick was hushed for a moment.
“I guess…” he started slowly “that it would cause an infinite loop in the time continuum. It would just keep happening and not happening and then happening again.”
I grinned.
“Man, that would seriously fuck up the lives of everyone who’d ever come into contact with me.”
“True it would.” Nick agreed. “Could even destroy all existence as we know it.”
“How so?” I asked.
“Because your existence or non-existence would completely change all those lives, and in turn change the lives of all in contact with them and so on. It would spread like a plague through the world until no one’s life is the way it was before and everything would be chaos. Plus, because this would just keep happening in the endless loop, it would mean that all time would become meaningless. The future would not exist because the world would be brought into oblivion by the chaos which your actions in the past had caused.”
“Well, theoretically,” I commenced, “if the future did not exist, I would not be alive to go back in time and negate my existence – in which case the world would not be destroyed and everything would be normal.”
“Yes. Normal for you to go back in time and start the whole cycle again.”
My brain was screaming and about to explode, but I didn’t mind. This was fun, and I was learning much more out in the sun using my brain than I ever could in any class room. Smiling, I said to Nick:
“There you go; I do believe we’ve solved it.”
“I do believe we have.” Nick concurred.
Then, as if God had been watching, waiting for the conclusion to our philosophical discussion, the bell went. I sighed, as did Nick. Slowly, slowly we sat up and got ourselves into gear. We headed into the VCE centre and retrieved our books from our lockers, and then we went to class.
And all the while, sitting in my chair, doing a SAC, I looked out the window at the sun and the clouds and thought to myself: under your guidance I could learn so much more.
SAC = test
VCE = Year 12 at school
