The Notebook. You're disappointed, aren't you? Upset? Hurt? Feeling overlooked and under-appreciated? It's understandable but don't blame me. All I did was judge the people in this company based on their performance, skill and potential. By simply applying that grading system I determined that all of you, bar one, are feckless dregs unworthy of my time, energy and most importantly, partnership. I told you all a few weeks ago that I was holding open auditions. I implored you to try your very best to impress me. I laid the world at your feet and the lot of you, bar one, failed. Quite simply, the abilities I require from a tag team partner were beyond you. Are beyond you. But they're not beyond Krunch. However, before I espouse the many virtues of my newly elected tag team partner, I, in an act of great benevolence, have decided to make my audition notes public so you can all see where you went (and are still going) wrong. Obviously, I can only do this as it applies to wrestling. If I were to dissect the perpetual mistake-ridden disasters you people call your personal lives, I'd be here all day and like a certain Irish boxer-turned-wrestler, I don't have all day (and I resent anyone who does!) So, for the benefit of those I deemed unqualified for the highly sought after position of My Partner, I give to you a selection of the notes I made whilst watching you audition for me over the past couple of weeks: AUDITION NOTEBOOK. Krunch vs. Darkness - Showdown (July 28) Does this Darkness guy do anything beyond quoting song lyrics and lighting fires? Krunch is RIPPED. And I don't mean “Ooh, I've got the munchies, I'm Jahmon Rastafari” drug-lingo ripped. He's built like a machine. This is like watching a horse fuck a chicken. Darkness is just getting pulverized in there! Should probably delete that chicken/horse video from my internet history. Lo and behold, Krunch wins. Colour me ever-so-sarcastically surprised. This guy looks the goods. Marcus T. vs. The Wizard of Arse - Turmoil (August 2) My made-up name for The Wizard is just as funny as his original name. How come HBO keep rejecting my screenplays? I'm hilarious! Marcus T. I've known him for nearly ten years and I still have no idea what the hell he's talking about. I'm like the reverse of that jive-talking old lady from Flying High. Is that reference too passe`? Maybe that's why HBO don't like my scripts? Watch the match, stupid! This is important! Does The Wizard have a magic trick that makes him win matches? Obviously not. Marcus wins the match but not the audition. Paper champion of the highest order. Can't wait to smash his face in with my Champions Case. Should I do that now? Nah. Too tired. Saber vs. Colt Crawford - Showdown (August 11) Surprised Saber's able to show his face after the lesson I gave him last fortnight. For a guy who claims to never quit, he sure tapped out easily. Liar, just like the rest of the pillocks backstage. I'm so much better than... oh, wait, match is starting. ”Colt” is right. The guy's built like a thoroughbred. Roids? Yeah, he's jacked up bad. I think there's a syringe still hanging from his sphincter. Jeez, these fans really lap up this Saber kid. I wonder if he uses that as consolation every time I defeat him? Colt's impressive but I can't afford to tag with a guy who's liable to fly into frenzied 'roid rages. Don't wanna end up with a cord around my neck and a bible at my feet. And now they're fighting to the back. No chance for these two. Colt's a wrestling tragedy waiting to happen and Saber's just tragic. I bet he thinks he's actually in with a shot too. Darkness vs. Tommy O'Malley - Showdown (August 11) Clumsy snapmare from Darkness. Must correct him on that after the match. If O'Malley really wants to be successful and marketable in this industry, he'll stereotype himself. Nobody's going to pay attention to an Irishman unless he pretends to be a leprechaun, a drunk or a drunk leprechaun. Might advise him on that post-match too. Though I'm sure O'Malley would leave his second-rate partner in an instant should I offer him a chance to be mine, he just doesn't have it. Darkness neither. This is beginning to feel like a waste of time. Brent Kersh vs. Scott Pandora - Showdown (August 11) Should I take the money and join with Kingpin and Sparrow? Come on, Pandora, put on a good showing, make it an easy decision for me. Shit, fell asleep! Damn you, Brent Kersh! Who won? Pandora comes up short. Would he be a reliable partner? For that matter, would Kingpin? Kingpin vs. Krunch - Turmoil (August 16) Kingpin has the money I need but what would Jenna say? I doubt she'd want to buy groceries and pay bills with money that came from a guy like him. Shit, things were so much easier when I had no ethics. Krunch is a wrecking machine. And here's Scott Pandora with the glass bat... and it's BARELY enough to put Krunch down. I think I've found my man. Standing outside the dingy two-storey apartment building which currently serves as home for Jamie Krenshaw is Australia's number one sports-correspondent, Tony Prescott. The host of hit Australian sports show “Fantastical Sport Wondertimes!” holds a microphone and speaks with his strong Australian accent. TONY: G'day blokes and shielas, Tony Prescott here, your man on the scene when it comes to news relating to Australia's Greatest Ever Sporting Hero, Jamie Krenshaw. From left of frame the man himself, the Virtuoso of Violence appears. JAMIE: Finally Tony, an introduction befitting my stature. TONY: I spent all week preparing it, Jamie. JAMIE: I'm sure you did. Jamie's nonchalance stands in direct contrast to Tony's eagerness to impress. If only TWD wrestlers had been so eager to impress during the audition stages. They may have had a chance. JAMIE: Tony, my time is precious so please, ask your questions quickly. TONY: Okay, Jamie, well first off... Jamie puts his hand up to Tony's face. JAMIE: Stop. You know what, let me take this. Jamie takes the microphone from Prescott who meekly gives it up. JAMIE: I'll save some time because I know what you're going to ask me. “Why did I reject Kingpin's offer?” “Why did I choose Krunch?” And “Am I confident that my choice will lead to victory in the Tag Team Turmoil match at Supercard II?” That pretty much right? Tony's shoegazing, feeling embarrassed and hurt. TONY: Yeah. JAMIE: Okay, well, as it pertains to Kingpin, it wasn't personal. I would have had no issue taking his money and doing his bidding if it was best for my family. Unfortunately, it wasn't. I'm a man of honour and integrity. A man deserving of respect and, to me, the respect of my wife, Jenna, and daughter, Emily, is paramount. If I'd have accepted Kingpin's money which comes from, shall we say, dubious sources, I would not be the man my family needs me to be. So, I rejected his offer, generous as it was. Tony goes to chime in but Jamie cuts him off. JAMIE: As far as Krunch is concerned, quite simply, he was far and away the best man for the job. As I sat and watched match after mediocre match featuring the likes of Adam Young, Darkness and Saber, I thought that nobody would step up. Fortunately for me, standing like a beacon of greatness amidst a sea of sub-par pretenders, was Daniel Pandora. The decision to recruit him was a no-brainer and his acceptance of my offer marked the beginning of a tag team dynasty of the likes this company has never seen. One more time Tony goes to speak. One more time, he is stopped. JAMIE: And as far as my confidence going into Tag Team Turmoil? Well, I haven't lost yet. And I don't see how adding a 6'3, 240 pound monster to the equation is going to make me any easier to beat. The fact is, I'm not just undefeated, I'm undefeatable. And Krunch? He's an iron-clad guarantee that that fact is not going to change. Jamie finally hands the microphone back to Tony. JAMIE: That was a good interview, Tony. Your bosses would be proud. And on that condascending note, Krenshaw exits the frame and, for another fortnight, Tony Prescott's life.

Not your tag team partner.