The moral of this story? SEND FEEDBACK.
Seated on the steps outside Flinders Street station, I practiced in my head the things I could say to Katya to prepare her for a meeting with my friends - possibly a way to dissuade her. The majority of people I spent time with were very nice people. Not this group. Hood, Damo and all the rest were loud and rude lads who would likely offend Katya with every word they said. I knew Katya could handle herself, my main worry was the reflection that their behaviour would have on her opinions and feelings for me.
Around me was the noise of the city at night. Cars going by, people speaking as they head to various places, religious fanatics going on about God – pointing at speeding ambulances and labeling them “Satan’s chariots”, taking the sinners whom the Almighty had struck down to the eternal flames of hell. On the steps beside me to my left was a junkie, stoned and sprawled out across the concrete steps in what would have been a terribly uncomfortable position had he not just cooked up recently. I looked at him and was torn by two separate emotions. Part of me was disgusted at the filth that lay beside me. How could someone let themselves get like that? Drool hung from his mouth as the man stared upward at the night sky, probably seeing nothing. My disgust of this was met with pity for the man. Maybe he was weak, but things would have to be unimaginably difficult for someone to allow themselves to fall into a trap like heroin. His situation was one that I would probably never be able to identify with. A misery I was glad I’d never know.
To my right were a group of people my age. Laughing and chatting happily. I imagined they were off to a party somewhere. Or a pub. Something fun. I felt tremendous jealousy, knowing that the night I was about to live would be terrible, whilst these dickweeds would maintain their stupid smiles for hours more. The only saving grace would be Katya. Even so, Katya may not wish to see me again after meeting Damo and the crew. She’d get the impression that these were the kind of people I was around often. The kind of person I truly was. She’d think that everything up until now had been an act. That I was a fraud. Worst of all, she’d be right. When I was around Damo I was a bad person. Many drunken nights with him had seen us break into cars, abuse people and just be dickheads in general.
I decided that I’d try to dissuade Katya from attending the party as soon as she arrived at the steps. Waiting for her, I took my notebook out from my bag and began writing some poetry.
Thoughts of worry infiltrate
As I wait for my white dove
Can not let her get away
For she is the one I …
But did I love Katya? I’d only spent two times with her, yet I felt I knew her better than I knew anybody. When she spent time together I felt something I’d never felt before. A constant warmth within my heart, and all day since we’d separated I longed for her. Was that love? I didn’t know, and I tried to figure it out for quite a time before my thoughts were interrupted by hands wrapping over my eyes. It could have been anyone. Someone trying to roll me, an old friend, anyone. Somehow though, I knew it was her. The softness of her hands. The gentle beauty of her touch.
Her voice confirmed what I knew.
“Guess who?” she said playfully.
“Well,” I started in jest, “judging by the amount of hair on your hands… is it Robin Williams?”
Katya protested my joke, taking her hands away from my face and slapping me over the back of the head fairly hard. I disguised how much the blow hurt by totally overplaying it, almost breaking into fake tears and all.
“Oh! My head! It’s bleeding! You monster!”
My melodrama elicited some curious and concerned glances from passers by. Train passengers now heading to their night out wherever, streaming past us, and watching. Probably the assumed we were just another two junkies dirtying the city streets. Getting up off the step I was seated on, I turned and hugged Katya. And she hugged back. Tightly. Uncomfortable in the embrace, I released her earlier than I normally would. Still she held on, clutching to me like a defendant to an insanity plea. After a few more unpleasant moments she let go, gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and took my hands. Looking into each others eyes she looked different. Before I could comment, she spoke.
“So, how are we getting to this friend’s house?”
Still keen to avoid that whole situation, I offered up a new solution.
“I was thinking – instead of going to Hood’s, why don’t we go to a pub or something? See if we can catch any good bands?”
Katya’s face changed, perturbed. She shook her head.
“No, no. I want to meet your friends. Come on Owen, it will be fun.” She said, persistent yet seeming to be saying it to reassure herself as much as me. She hugged me again, this time not so firmly.
I would have fought harder but it looked as if she’d persist, so I didn’t bother. Hand in warm hand we walked into the train station. Katya fast and almost pulling me along. We had to catch a train to Toorak – a rich neighbourhood. Where we were going was not an area of wealth however. Hood lived in a cheap unit. A small scummy place, unclean and covered in the stench of uncaring.
It didn’t take long for a train to arrive. As we boarded it I began the speech that I’d recited so many times in my head since coercing Katya into coming along with me.
“Just warning you – you’re probably not going to like these guys much. They’re all really loud and rude.”
Seated on the train, Katya stared out the window at the dark night. The city rolled by so fast as we sped out of the city. Glowing lights stretched as I continued.
“I don’t even hang out with them much. It’s just that I haven’t seen them in ages and I need to make it up to Damo for ditching him last night.”
Silent, Katya’s eyes scanned feverishly as the train came to a stop. Only a few more stations and we’d be there. She hadn’t known I’d ditched Damo for our adventure last night. She didn’t seem to care either.
As the train started up again I continued to justify my friendship with Hood and Damo. Trying to rationalize it as much for myself as Katya. Why was I friends with such people?
“I don’t know why I hang out with these guys. A while ago when things were fucked up for me, Damo was my only friend. It’s a loyalty thing I guess.”
Things were fucked up for me. Through my reasoning I’d revealed something that I now realised Katya knew nothing about. My past. Still observing the night life, Katya didn’t respond. She wasn’t listening. Slightly hurt, I ceased rationalizing. Instead of worry about the night ahead, I was now preoccupied with thoughts for myself. Why hadn’t Katya asked about my past? Aside from a brief inquiry into my past love life, we hadn’t discussed anything related to me. My past, my problems. My mind pondering – did she care? WHY HADN”T SHE ASKED?
Both silent we sat until we came to Toorak Station. Slowing to a stop, I informed Katya that we needed to get off. Again she didn’t listen, so I tapped her leg hard. Now I had her attention. She turned to me, smiling weirdly.
“This is us.” I said, taking her hand and bringing us both to our feet.
The walk from the station to Hood’s place was short and strange. Thought preoccupied with selfish thoughts for me-me-me, I was curious and concerned about Katya’s unusual behaviour. Or was it her usual behaviour? I didn’t know. I realised then that as much as I felt I knew her well, I’d only met her twice. She hadn’t asked too much about me and hence knew not much about me. I’d asked plenty about her – but even with all she’d told, how much could I really know? Thoughts crowded my brain.
“Are you okay?” I asked her as we walked from the station, heading through an alleyway as a shortcut to Hood’s.
Swaying musically as she walked all around her she watched. The lights illuminating the alley captivated her – and my mystification grew.
“What’s going on with you tonight?” Now speaking with more force, I needed to know. Finally I had her concentration. Finally she looked at me, and spoke with a smile.
“Nothing’s going on.” She said. “I’m just looking forward to meeting your friends.”
Oddly eyeing her, I accepted the explanation. More out of want than anything else. Attached by the hands we approached Hood’s unit. Once at the door I closed my eyes, breathed in deeply and clenched my fist. Beside me, Katya was still swaying. With eyes closed, between all my worries and over-analysis of everything, I tried to sense a relief. I attempted to let everything go. Whatever happens, happens - I told myself.
Music pumping from the house I knocked as loud as I could without hurting my hand. As Hood ventured to us to open the door I closed my eyes and breathed in again.
Whatever happens, happens.
The moral of this story? SEND FEEDBACK.
