OF SCRABBLE AND SAINTS

EXT. CLOUDS OF HEAVEN – DAY

Seated around a table playing a game of scrabble is JESUS, ST PETER, MATTHEW and LUKE. The game looks as if it has been going for quite some time. It is Jesus’ turn and he is eyeing the board, trying to find a word to add to. Eventually he finds the word ‘HIP’. Letter by letter from his row, he adds until he has made ‘HIPPOPOTAMUS’. Matthew, Luke and Peter’s faces contort slightly as they register the move.

JESUS

Hippopotamus. That’s (counting)... 27 points, plus 50 for using all my letters. This calls for celebration!

Before each of the players is their row of words and a glass of water. Jesus waves his left hand through the air over each of the glasses and turns the clear liquid into red wine.

JESUS

Drink up, boys. JC’s going for the high score.

Luke and Matthew pick up their glasses and go to drink. They stop, however, when St. Peter stands up angrily and looks at Jesus.

JESUS

What?

ST PETER

You cheated!

JESUS

Cheated? Whatever do you mean, Pete?

Peter points to the board and the word which Jesus has just made.

ST PETER

Don’t play coy with me, Christ. You’re tomfoolery has not gone unnoticed!

Jesus eyes Matthew and Luke curiously before turning his attention back to Peter.

JESUS

You need to calm down.

Jesus waves his hand over Peter’s glass and turns the wine back into water.

ST PETER

I’m plenty calm. I’m calm like an ADHD sufferer who’s gone on the meds. I’m calm like a summer sea. It is you who has reason to be worried. I’m onto you. You made ‘HIPPOPOTAMUS’ from the word ‘HIP’.

JESUS

So?

ST PETER

So? SO? So you added nine letters to the word and you’re only allowed seven! You cheated! You’re the Hanse Cronje of scrabble!

JESUS

Hey! There’s no need to bring Hanse into this. And anyway, you’re wrong. I didn’t cheat.

Peter is astounded. He looks to Matthew and Luke for help but neither will back him up. He faces Jesus again, desperate.

ST PETER

But you had two extra letters!

JESUS

No. The word I added to was ‘HIPPO’. I used my legally allotted SEVEN letters to create the word ‘HIPPOPOTAMUS’. You must have seen wrong. It’s okay, this happens. I forgive you.

ST PETER

But… but… You can’t be serious, I mean… you fucking cheated!

JESUS

Peter, watch your language. Nobody swears at the J-man. Well, nobody except Dad.

INT. GOD’S OFFICE – DAY (FLASHBACK)

In a room that looks much like the Oval Office, Jesus stands ahead of the desk with GOD (a round energy beam with arms) addressing him.

GOD

I’m sorry, son, but I just can’t tolerate the constant blasphemy that comes from your quarters at night. I know she’s your girlfriend, but she must not take your name in vain.

JESUS

But Dad, we were making love.

GOD

Regardless! She will pay for her sin.

Jesus’ face contorts, frustrated and upset.

JESUS

Oh, Dad, you’re not going to make her…

GOD (interrupting)

I’m afraid so.

God’s right hand takes a pen and his left rips a sheet of paper from a notebook. He writes furiously for a few seconds before holding the sheet up for Jesus to take.

GOD

You will see to it that she reads the note and make sure she understands that next time, she will burn. Okay?

Jesus turns back toward his father and reaches for the note.

JESUS

Okay.

Jesus grabs the note a little too eagerly and God’s hand withdraws hastily before the Lord holds it in front of his ‘face’.

GOD

Ow! A papercut! You idiot. I’m bleeding. You… you fucking moron.

INT. CLOUDS OF HEAVEN – DAY (RETURN TO PREVIOUS SCENE)

JESUS

Now sit down, Peter. You’re making a fool of yourself.

Peter growls maniacally before lunging at Jesus. He tackles him off his chair and starts laying in wild punches to the neck and face. Jesus squirms and grunts in pain as Matthew and Luke hurriedly get up from their positions and go to break up the fight.

ST PETER

Fuck you, you cheaterr! First you cheat death, now you cheat at scrabble. I’ll kill you!

Matthew and Luke pry Peter off of Jesus and hold him back.

ST PETER

Let me go!

St Peter stops resisting after a few seconds and Jesus gingerly gets to his feet.

JESUS

What’s your problem, Pete? Chill out!

Peter eyes JC with a look of pure hatred. Jesus’ demeanor eases slightly.

JESUS

Look. I’m sorry for provoking you.

ST PETER

So you admit that you cheated?

JESUS

Scrabble tests friendships. It probably wasn’t a good idea to play. Next time we’ll do GUESS WHO, something less controversial.

ST PETER

But…

JESUS (interrupting)

Peter. Let it go.

After squirming for a few moments, Peter shrinks in stature and decreases in aggression.

ST PETER

Okay. I’ll leave. I’d better get back to the Pearly Gates anyway. I’m not meant to leave it unattended.

EXT. PEARLY GATES – DAY

HITLER, STALIN, GENGHIS KHAN and THE INSANE CLOWN POSSE are standing at the open gates, looking around.

HITLER

This is too good to be true!

STALIN

Quiet! Someone could hear us!

GENGHIS KHAN

Will you both be quiet? We should just go in. If anyone interrogates us, we’ll just say we’re actors who died during a stage-play about how evil Stalin, Hitler and Genghis were.

VIOLENT J (of the ICP)

But what about us, the Insane Clown Posse?

HITLER

Oh, shut up. Nobody cares about you.

SHAGGY 2 DOPE (of the ICP)

I don’t understand why we’re even here. We’re not dead.

GENGHIS KHAN

No, but your music career is.

STALIN

Ha-ha. You zinged him!

Stalin and Genghis Khan slap hands before they and Hitler break out in hysterics. Shaggy and Violent look hurt. After a long time laughing, they slowly regain quietude.

HITLER

Anyway, we should go.

Stalin, Hitler and Genghis Khan enter Heaven. Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J watch, still upset, before looking to each other, shrugging, and following their peers.

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