The following news article is set to the musical theme of Godzilla. You know, the one where Jimmy Page rips off his own song and sells out just for the chance to work for that musical messiah Puff Daddy.
Fuck I hate Puff Daddy.
Last night, the Statue of Liberty was arrested. The arrest marked the end of a manhunt that began over a week ago, after Ms. Liberty leapt off her island home and started destroying the city. Letting out great Tyrannosaurus like roars, she smashed buildings, ate the cast of Seinfeld and caused major disruption amongst already-busy peak hour traffic.
After the initial attack, she just disappeared, leaving behind her a trail of destruction and large footprints. The New York police force was baffled and had no ideas as to where the Statue may have gone. One officer remembered that Statues liked to eat peanuts and immediately ordered the destruction of all peanut factories worldwide. Shortly thereafter, the same officer released a public apology and acknowledged that it was in fact elephants that enjoyed the taste of peanuts.
Distressed by the news of yet another attack in New York, U.S President George Bush vowed to deploy his very best troops into the city, to investigate and to find Lady Liberty. Shortly thereafter he released an apology acknowledging that all his best troops had been KIA due to friendly fire in Iraq and that there was no one he could send to New York. As the feed to the Oval Office cut off, he also mentioned something about declaring war on France, Germany, Australia and Muslims.
Left to sort out the mess themselves, the New York Police decided to watch every episode of NYPD Blue that had ever been created, in the vain hope that the show had dealt with a similar situation before and would offer an answer. It hadn’t and didn’t.
A whole day went by with nothing new happening. Cleaning parties started to sweep the city, removing debris and identifying corpses. Then Ms. Liberty returned. Rising out of the sea under the Brooklyn Bridge she let out a ghastly roar. Citizens began panicking and having random sex with whomever they could find, sensing their end was near.
The Statue climbed up onto the Brooklyn Bridge and commenced Round Two with the city. This time she showed no mercy as she tossed cars at buildings and defecated on the fire department. The NYPD were completely oblivious to this second attack, as they were enthralled by an episode of NYPD Blue.
After another day of death and destruction, the Statue disappeared again. Receiving a phone call in between episodes of NYPD Blue, the police were informed. Knowing there was nothing else they could do, the police brought in their secret weapon; Woody Allen. They briefed Woody on everything that had happened and then asked him to come up with a clever way to catch the beast. Realizing he hadn’t come up with anything clever in over a decade, Woody promptly ran away and shot himself.
The third attack by the Statue Of Liberty was the most devastating. Using her torch, she set the city on fire. With the Fire Department still buried in feces from the second attack, the blaze met no resistance. After spending much of the day watching the fire, Lady Liberty retreated again, where she went no one knew.
That was when the breakthrough came. Matthew Broderick, star of hit films “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” and “Addicted To Love” was flown into the city by John Travolta. Matthew was dropped off at the only place in the city that had not yet been destroyed; Police Headquarters. Rushing in, finding all the officers now watching reruns of Burke’s Law, he let out an almighty yell: “I KNOW HOW TO CATCH THE STATUE!”
Using sock-puppets, Broderick explained that he had starred in a movie with a very similar storyline to what was going on here; Godzilla. In the film, Godzilla always attacked and then retreated to obtain food. His favourite food was fish. The police did not understand, so Broderick set things out more plainly, stating “We need to find out what the Statue Of Liberty likes to eat, and then place a pile of it in an open area, so that when she comes to feed, we can catch her.”
The police, void of any alternative solutions, agreed. But what did Lady Liberty like to eat? They already knew it was not peanuts. After a few hours of pondering, the answer came to a retired hot dog vendor who lived in the roof of the Police HQ. Freedom Fries! Ms. Liberty stood for everything great about America (before she went on her murderous tirade) and the greatest thing about America was freedom! She MUST love freedom fries!
The police, still void of any alternative solutions and glad that they had not yet had to think too hard, agreed. Matthew Broderick phoned his good friend John Travolta and within minutes they had flown to a pile of rubble that used to be a McDonalds. A game of Paper, Scissors, Rock decided that it would be John who ventured into the rubble to find packets of Freedom Fries. After a few hours, he had a sack full. He climbed back into his plane and set off for Central Park, where the police already were, to set the trap.
Matthew Broderick shrieked like a pansy when he saw what had happened to Central Park. All that was left of it was baron burnt grassland. Putting his horror aside, he helped the police pile up all the Freedom Fries. An hour later, the trap was set. Not only had the food been piled up, but it had also been contaminated with Rohypnol. This was to help subdue the beast.
The police, John Travolta and Matthew Broderick took up various hiding positions and waited for the beast to arrive. It didn’t take long for the smell of the Freedom Fries to spread around the city and soon enough the Statue reappeared. Roaring and pounding her chest, she approached the trap, the police and movie stars lying in wait.
She dove on the pile of Fries, munching away maniacally. Watching, preparing to make their move, the police could not help but feel a little humbled in the presence of such a fierce eating machine. In a statement made by one of the officers that witnessed the feasting, he likened it to being at a luncheon with Oprah Winfrey.
As Lady Liberty finished the Freedom Fries, the police sprang out. Firing wildly, they angered the beast. She screamed and tried to run away, but it was too late. The affects of the Freedom Fries had started to wear in. The Statue Of Liberty had been drugged.
In a recent statement made by Sergeant Baker of the NYPD, he defended the use of Rohypnol to apprehend the Statue, saying that unlike the majority of people who spike others’ food and drink with the drug, they had not violated Lady Liberty while she was unconscious. It was a physical impossibility.
This morning, after finally waking from her drug induced sleep, the Statue Of Liberty was interviewed about her actions and asked why she had done such terrible things. She replied by informing the police that her actions were part of a peaceful protest against the War In Iraq. When asked how a murderous rampage could be considered a “peaceful protest” she asked the interviewing officer to “talk to the hand.”
Just hours ago, Ms. Liberty featured in a CNN Exclusive interview about her actions. She was given a few minutes to try and rationalize, here’s what she said:
“I am meant to be a symbol of the greatness that is America. I am meant to be a representative of this country, but this country and its Government is also meant to represent ME. I am the Statue Of LIBERTY, not the Statue Of Killing Muslims or the Statue Of Bombing Baghdad. I do not support this war and shame on Mr. Bush for making me and my fellow Americans go along with it. No blood for oil! No blood for oil!”
President Bush is expected to make an address to the nation tonight about what will be done with the Statue Of Liberty. Analysts say he has planned an elaborate execution for her involving tennis racquets, truth serum, baby food and Chinese people. To find out what it is, tune in to the news tonight!