Lost Child.

Lying on my bed staring at the phone which I held in my left hand, I knew what I had to do – but I couldn’t summon the courage to do it. I’d fucked up everything. Like I always do. I’d spent the morning hating Katya and being outraged at her actions toward me, now it turned out I was the one in the wrong. As usual I’d over-thought everything and created a whole sequence of events in my head that never happened. With the phone calling to me and the workers inside my body ordering me to take the leap and phone Katya, I was still over-thinking and thus doing nothing. I was frozen but time was not, and I knew it. Slowly but surely the clock was winding down and if I didn’t sort this mess out now, it would become impossible to sort out at all.

So in my bed, I closed my eyes, breathed in deeply and bit the bullet. I phoned her. After a few rings, there was an answer.

“Hello?” came her voice, timid and low. Already I hated myself even more. Not only for causing Katya pain, but also selfishly for committing myself to this conversation. As I opened my mouth, all I could think was: I’m a terrible person.

“Hi Katya. It’s Owen.” I spoke solemnly, not sure how she’d react. I waited for a response. Anything. All I got was silence, so I continued. “I am so sorry about last night. I was really fucked up and I saw things and I got everything confused and…” she interrupted my attempt at reasoning.

“Why did you run off last night?” again she was quiet.

I began telling her, feeling increasingly pathetic with each word of explanation. “I came out of the toilet.” I started. “When I got to the lounge room I saw you and Damo, and I thought you were…” it pained me to finish. I felt so stupid. So immature. “I thought you were together.”

The brief silence that followed was quickly forgotten when Katya exploded.

“You what?!” she was incredulous. I opened my mouth to begin another attempt at explaining away my idiocy, but it was in vain. She just continued. “You thought I kissed your friend?! Why would you think I’d do that?” she fired at me. I fumbled to form a strong reply.

“It was just… I thought you guys were kissing, and…” again she interrupted me, still steaming.

“I told you about my father and what he did to my mum. I told you how much I hate him for it, and you honestly believed I could do the same thing to you?”

“No.” I rejected. “Well, yes, I mean… I dunno. I’d been thinking all night about how we had only known each other for a few days, and it’s not like we were going out, and I –“

“You know what Owen, fuck you!”

And then she hung up. And then I opened my eyes. What if she rejected my explanations? What if she never wants to see me again? I was lost in thoughts of depravity. I was lost in my own self-pity. I had to get away from all the negativity flowing through my blood like heroin, corrupting me. I had to think positive, or else I’d never muster the bravery to confront Katya. Again I closed my eyes. And again I phoned Katya. This time when she answered I immediately proceeded with my desperate apologies, barely giving her a chance to speak.

“It’s Owen. Oh my God Katya, I am so sorry. I was an idiot last night and I did something really dumb – but I want you to know that I don’t hate you, and I really hope you don’t hate me. I feel the complete opposite about you Katya. I think I love you. I know that may sound weird and we’ve only known each other for a few days, but it’s the way I feel.”

As my words echoed throughout the line, I waited for a response. When it finally came, it was the last thing I expected. Crying. I could hear Katya sobbing like a lost child. It made me feel a million times worse. Inside, the workers were pulling at my heart strings and prodding my tear ducts. I had to say something. Anything to cease her tears.

“What’s wrong Katya? What is it?” With my ears pressed so tightly it hurt against the receiver, I heard her trying to catch her sobs. In between them, she spoke.

“I thought…” she paused as more tears flowed. “I thought that you were mad at me.” She confirmed what Damo had said, and then she broke down. Nearing hysterical tears, she continued. “I thought you’d found out that I took an E and that you just ran off and abandoned me. I thought you left me, just like…” she couldn’t finish but I knew what she was going to say. She thought I’d left like her father.

It was then that I realised what I was dealing with. She was more like me than I could possibly imagine. She was lonely just like me and she overanalyzed everything just like me. She was obviously still overcome by the abandonment she felt when her father cheated on her mother and left home. Or from the fact that her mother had not chosen Katya gave the ultimatum. Either way, Katya was fragile and I’d attacked that fragility by running away from her. Wishing I was with her so I could put my arms around in comfort, all I could do was offer words.

“It’s all right.” I said “I’m never going to abandon you. I’m going to be with you always.” And these weren’t just words of comfort. In the moment I was saying them I was being completely honest. All I wanted to do was holder and protect her and make her feel safe. On the phone her tears ceased and after a silence, Katya again spoke. Three simple words that melted me into the bed, engulfing me and making me feel completely at peace. Her words ended my life on earth and brought me to heaven.

“I love you.”

And then I opened my eyes and returned to reality. Still in my room with the phone in my hand, but yet to take the plunge. I had to make the call. I had to – otherwise I’d regret not doing it forever. So again I closed my eyes. Again I breathed in deeply. Then I dialed the number and called Katya. After a few rings, I got an answer. Over in my head I was repeating lines, trying to find the right thing to say.

“Hello?” the phone was answered.

“Hello Katya? This is Owen.”

And then the phone went dead. She hung up.