Jesus and a few of his friends sat around a table in his living quarters, playing scrabble. It was Jesus’ turn and he looked over the board for words he could add to. He saw the word “hip” and began to add his letters after it. His friends watched on as he used every single letter he had.
“Hippopotamus.” He said smugly, recounting his great word. “That’s… 27 points, plus 50 point bonus for using all my letters. 77 points. Not bad…” He leant back in his chair, grinning.
His friends stared at him. They knew something wasn’t right. Noticing this, Jesus’ face contorted.
“What?” he asked, accusingly.
A few seconds silence, then St. Peter leapt out of his chair. He threw the board off the table and began screaming at Jesus.
“This is bullshit! You’re a cheat!”
JC was astounded. “A cheat? What do you mean?”
“You! Hippopotamus! You cheated!” St. Peter now stood beside Jesus who was still seated. Their eyes met.
“Don’t be ridiculous.” Jesus said, trying to brush off the accusations. Peter would have none of it.
“Ridiculous? Hippopotamus! You started the word with ‘hip’ and then added ‘popotamus’. That’s nine letters. NINE!”
Jesus’ response was quick. “So?”
Peter was incredulous.
“So? SO? So you cheated! Popotamus is nine letters, you’re only allowed to have seven. SEVEN!” Peter was seething. “You used two extra letters. You CHEATED!”
Peter was screaming. He had bent over slightly so he could look Jesus directly in the eyes. Everyone in the room was silent. No one had ever argued with Jesus like this (except his father; they always bickered).
Peter repeated his words, slowly.
“You cheated.”
Jesus’ reply: “No I didn’t.”
“No? No you di…? No you didn’t?” Peter could not believe that Jesus was still denying the whole thing. He pleaded for some sort of sanity. “But you had two extra letters!”
“No I didn’t. You got it wrong.” Jesus calmly countered. “The word at the board was ‘hippo’. I added ‘popotamus’ with my seven letters.
Peter stood in awe of his friends blatant lies. He looked around to his contemporaries for help. For anything. No one came forward to dispute Jesus’ claim. Frustrated beyond the point of return, Peter leapt at Jesus and tackled him off the chair. Jesus let out a pained grunt as he hit the floor. St. Peter, who’d landed on top of him, started laying in punches. As he did, he screamed obscenities.
“Fuck you, you cheater! You always cheat! You cheated death and now you cheat at scrabble! You fucker!
As he continued to lay punches, he was pulled off by two of Jesus’ best friends, Matt and Dec. They pulled him back and captured his arms so that he could not swing any more punches.
“Let me go!” He screamed, but they didn’t listen.
Jesus pried himself off the floor, holding his jaw. He looked at St. Peter angrily. He’d been trying to annoy Peter, but he had no idea things would be taken so seriously.
“What’s the matter with you man?” Jesus yelled. “Chill out!”
Peter was still being held back by Matt and Dec. He yelled hysterically at JC. Jesus, sensing things were getting out of hand, tried to calm him.
“Look, it’s okay. I’m sorry for provoking you. I’m sorry.”
These words calmed Peter somewhat.
“You’re sorry?” he asked, looking for confirmation.
“Yes. I am.” Jesus looked into Peter’s eyes as he answered. He was genuine… or a really good liar. “Let go of him.” Jesus spoke to Matt and Dec. They obliged and St. Peter was free.
“Thanks” he said, and went to sit back down at the table. Jesus stopped him however, with some frightening words.
“Hey Peter, shouldn’t you be watching the Pearly Gates?” He asked.
A look of terror came across Peter’s face.
“Oh shit, how long have I been here?” asked Peter, dreading the answer.
Jesus checked his watch. “Well… we started playing Scrabble about two hours ago.”
No words could explain the terror that Peter felt. He had left the Pearly Gates unmanned for two whole hours. The Big Boss was going to be pissed off.
Meanwhile, at the Pealy Gates, Saddam Hussein celebrated his unchallenged entry into heaven.
Back at Jesus’ living quarters, St. Peter let out an almighty scream.
“Shiiiiiiiiiiiit!”
Without another word he shot out the door, leaving Jesus looking at Matt and Dec. As Matt began picking up the scrabble bits and pieces off the floor, he posed a question to his two friends.
“Why the hell do we hang out with that guy?”
Jesus answered quickly. “We don’t. He hangs out with us.”