HOW TO BE FAMOUS FOR DOING NOTHING AT ALL

a one-act play written by Corey Young

SCENE ONE - BIG BROTHER HOUSE 1

(Three Big Brother house mates sit on the couch to the left of stage. They are BELINDA, CHRISTIAN and PUFF-BEETLE. Puff appears confident and relaxed, sitting on the left side of the couch. Belinda sits in the middle, looking nervous. Christian sits to the right, not displaying any overt emotions. The three are bunched fairly tightly together as they await an eviction announcement.)

BELINDA
I know I’m going to go tonight. I just know it.

PUFF BEETLE
You say that every eviction night.

BELINDA
So?

PUFF BEETLE
You say it when you’re not even up for eviction!

(Belinda looks downward, embarrassed.)

BELINDA
I just want attention.

(From above and all around comes the voice of GRETEL KILLEEN.)

GRETEL
Good evening, house mates.

(The house mates light up at the sound of her voice.)

HOUSE MATES (IN UNISON)
Hi, Gretel.

GRETEL
Hello. Now, house mates, as we know, and as I’ve repeated several times to our national audience during this eviction show, tonight, one of you three will be evicted. One of you will leave the Big Brother house. Christian, Belinda, Puff-Beetle - on this very night, live on national television, one of your journeys will come to an end.

(As she says each individual name, that individual is illuminated better than the other two.)

PUFF BEETLE
Not mine.

GRETEL
Don’t interrupt me, Puff-Beetle.

PUFF BEETLE
Sorry.

GRETEL
You’re still interrupting.

(Puff stops himself from replying, uncomfortably.)

GRETEL
Now, I’m not going to beat around the bush, house mates. I’m going to get straight to the cold, finite truth. I’m going to announce, live on national television, the fourth Big Brother evictee. (pause) Which one of you will be cast out from the Big Brother lunar module and set off into the dark emptiness of reality? Will it be Puff-Beetle? Will it be Belinda? Will it be Christian? (pause) Oh yes, tonight is the night. Eviction night. No doubt, house mates, the eviction butterflies are scuttling about your stomachs like so many swallowed sticks of chewing gum. Now, in my hand is the envelope which contains the name of the boy...

(Belinda appears excited.)

GRETEL (CONT’D)
Or girl...

(Belinda’s jubilation ceases.)

GRETEL (CONT’D)
Who will exit the house tonight. Yes, all I have to do is pry open the eviction envelope and allow the announcement to spring forth like an excited bunny in the autumnal fields of Ireland.

(Belinda is tensely holding both guys’ legs, worried about the announcement.)

GRETEL
Okay, the envelope is open. ( pause ) Are you nervous, house mates?

PUFF BEETLE
Oh, Jesus, bitch, just say the damn name!

GRETEL
Please, Puff-Beetle, no interruptions.

(Silence follows. Belinda starts crying.)

GRETEL
Okay. The verdict is in. Australia has voted and it’s time to go (pause) to commercial.

(The lights fade to black. The three actors arise from their seats and move to centre-stage. They stand next to one another in a line. The lights come up.)

SCENE TWO - ADVERTISEMENT 1

(The three stand in the same order they were sitting. As Belinda poses questions, the boys answer with urgency and move melodramatically.)

BELINDA
Have you ever dreamt of being famous?

CHRISTIAN
Of course!

BELINDA
Is it your private desire to be rich beyond all reason?

PUFF BEETLE
How did you know?

BELINDA
Do you live for the day you frequent hot parties with A-List
celebrities and they look at you as an equal?

PUFF AND CHRISTIAN
Who doesn’t?

BELINDA
Well, your secret wish is about to come true. Channel Ten, in conjunction with Nivea Visage, are proud to present to you a hot new reality-TV sensation that will have audiences gasping with orgasmic delight!

PUFF AND CHRISTIAN
Oooh! Oooh! Oooooooh!

BELINDA
If you’re young, sexy and willing to be penetrated on live TV, we want YOU for our new series: AUSTRALIA’S HOTTEST YOUNG CELEBRITY. We’ll put 12 contestants through countless challenging challenges to see who is most worthy of the title:

BELINDA, PUFF AND CHRISTIAN
Australia’s Hottest Young Celebrity!

BELINDA
Can you sing? Can you act? Are you so sexalicious that it doesn’t even matter? Well, send your details to Channel Ten and who knows, you could be rubbing shoulders, among other things, with the likes of Paris Hilton in no time.

BELINDA, PUFF AND CHRISTIAN
Australia’s Hottest Young Celebrity!

BELINDA
If you don’t enter, you’re not a person.

(Lights cut to black. When they return, the house mates are on the couch again. We are back in the Big Brother house.)

SCENE THREE - BIG BROTHER HOUSE 2

(Belinda holds tightly onto the knees of Puff and Christian. Puff looks smug, Christian still displays no real emotion.)

GRETEL
And we’re back to the Big Brother eviction show. Okay house mates, now is the time. The voting lines have been closed for well over two hours. Channel Ten is running 73 minutes overtime with this show. Ratings are soaring higher than a hang-glider who has leapt from the tallest building in Portugal. Now is the time. And here we go. (pause) It’s time to go... Christian!

(Christian looks shocked. Puff-Beetle smiles smugly and snickers. Belinda turns to Christian and hugs him hard.)

BELINDA
Oh my God. I’m so sorry, Christian. You don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve this.

(Christian slowly pushes Belinda aside and rises from the couch as the lights dim. A spotlight shines on him as he steps to centre-stage.)

CHRISTIAN
Like that, the journey was over. I’d never even considered that I might be evicted. Every time Gretel said “Who will go?”, I just assumed the answer was Belinda. But me? How could the people of Australia have voted for me? I mean, look. I’m hot, I’m young, I’m funny - what’s the deal? Being nominated was okay. I knew it was just because everyone else in the house was jealous and knew that I was gonna win, but as for being evicted... God. What is wrong with Australians?

(Christian shakes his head, clearly perturbed by the idiocy of his fellow countrymen.)

CHRISTIAN
All I wanted from my Big Brother experience was to win a million dollars and become a national icon, but as I was driven away from the house to the eviction stage, I knew that my dreams were ruined. My mind started racing. The people of Australia must have hated me! They must have thought I was a complete tool to have voted me off the first time I was up for nomination.

(Christian considers this notion and it infuriates him.)

CHRISTIAN
Well, fuck them, I told myself! Fuck the Big Brother audience with a sharp neon stick! I don’t need them.

(Christian pauses.)

CHRISTIAN
As I got closer and closer to the eviction stage, I just got more furious. If the people of Australia were gonna hate on me and ruin all my dreams, then I was going to do the same to them. I started planning all the mean things I was going to say to Gretel and the audience. I was gonna make every single one of those dickheads cry! But then I heard the chanting.

BELINDA AND PUFF (OFF-STAGE)
(chanting) Christian! Christian! Christian! Christian!

(Christian smiles.)

CHRISTIAN
The dickheads, the crowd - they were chanting my name! When I arrived on-stage, they screamed for me like I was Ashton Kutcher! Girls threw their panties and flashed their tits. Guys idolized me as their hero. Christian, the Big Brother Superstar had arrived. On the eviction show, the dickheads cheered my every answer and Gretel flirted like a giddy school girl. At the after-party, she spread her legs and let me into the reward room. After that, I was taken up in a whirlwind of interviews and photo-shoots. I’d achieved my dream. I was famous. It was over a week before I got back to Melbourne and stepped foot inside my house again.

(Lights fade to black.)

SCENE FOUR - IN WHICH CHRISTIAN COMES HOME

(Sitting on the couch is Christian’s brother, JAMES. He sits cross-legged, with a notebook in his lap. He is writing. Christian enters the scene from the back of the stage. He is wearing sunglasses and looking every bit the hot young celebrity.)

CHRISTIAN
I’m back!

(James continues writing, not even acknowledging Christian’s appearance.)

CHRISTIAN
Bro? James? Mega-star celebrity here.

(James still refuses to acknowledge his brother’s presence. Christian walks over to James and slaps the notebook out of his hands.)

JAMES
Hey!

(Christian is all smiles.)

CHRISTIAN
Hey bro.

JAMES
Why would you do that?

CHRISTIAN
“Aw, gee, hi, Christian. I sure missed you while you were in the Big Brother house.
Would you like a cup of beer?”

JAMES
I’m writing.

(James grabs his notebook.)

JAMES
(confused)
Cup of beer?

CHRISTIAN
Well, you could at least say hello. I have been gone for over a month.

JAMES
Was it that long?

CHRISTIAN
Yes, it was that long! Haven’t you been watching me on the television?

JAMES
I’m your brother. I grew up with you. I live with you. I know what you sitting on your arse doing nothing looks like. Hardly felt the urge to watch it every day on TV.

(Christian is aghast.)

CHRISTIAN
So you didn’t watch any of my Big Brother journey?

JAMES
Please don’t call it a journey.

CHRISTIAN
Why not? That’s what it was.

JAMES
No. What it was, was a bunch of show-offs vying for attention because they think it will make them as important to everyone else as they are to themselves.

(Christian gasps with disgust.)

CHRISTIAN
Was not! And anyway, it did make me important. I was on Rove!

JAMES
So was Corinne Grant.

CHRISTIAN
And I’ve been laid, like, a bazillion times this week.
How about you? Your palm pregnant yet?

JAMES
Look, man, what do you want me to say? You knew how much
I hated reality television before you were on Big Brother, so
why would you expect things to be any different now?

CHRISTIAN
I just thought you might be happy that your little brother
has gone and made a name for himself. But I guess you’re just too jealous.

(Now it is James’ turn to be aghast.)

JAMES
Jealous? Of what? You making a moron out of yourself
in front of all the other morons dumb enough to watch
the pathetic display? I don’t think so.

CHRISTIAN
Or, how about the fact that you spend all your time locked
in the house like a hermit writing script after rejected script
while I get onto television on my first try?

(James is further outraged by Christian’s blatant misinterpretations of the truth.)

JAMES
What are you talking about? You entered Australian
Idol and got laughed out of the audition room!

CHRISTIAN
That’s because I performed a comedy routine.
I was just joking around!

JAMES
You had two months of singing lessons beforehand.
I heard you practicing “What If God Was One Of Us?”
every night before you went to sleep!

(Christian shakes his head, his face contorted with disgust.)

CHRISTIAN
Your jealousy is disgusting. No wonder you’re
not famous. You’ve got a bad attitude.

JAMES
I don’t want to be famous!

CHRISTIAN
James, everyone wants to be famous. It’s a scientific fact. (sighs)
Whatever. Have fun writing. I’m going to a celebrity party and
I’m gonna fuck Bec Cartright. Come on!

(As Christian delivers the last statement, he raises his hand to his forehead ala Lleyton Hewitt. Then he turns and exits the scene. James shakes his head.)

JAMES
Jealous...

(James lets out a brief, indignant laugh. He then goes back to his writing. He begins on a sentence but stops halfway through. He scribbles it out. He starts again but quickly stops himself and lets out an annoyed grunt. He violently pushes his notebook to the side. Lights fade.)

SCENE FIVE - IN WHICH WE MEET SUZE

(James is sleeping on the couch. A few silent moments pass before Christian enters the scene. He stumbles awkwardly, holding his head.)

CHRISTIAN
Aw, my head.

(Christian looks at James.)

CHRISTIAN
James, I need a glass of water.

(James rolls over so as not to be facing Christian.)

CHRISTIAN
Aw, why did Molly Meldrum make me drink so much
of that Tequila? And why does my mouth taste weird?

(James wearily rolls over, this time to face Christian. He is partially awake and obviously tired.)

JAMES
You woke me up when you got home last night,
stumbling like a drunken fool.

(Christian is annoyed by James’ tone. When hungover, you don’t need to hear your brother’s bitching.)

CHRISTIAN
Oh, Christ, James. Can’t you think about anybody but yourself? I’m in agony here.

JAMES
Good.

(Christian recovers somewhat, smiling as he remembers fragments from the night before.)

CHRISTIAN
Was worth it though. What a party. Everyone was there.
Millsy, Stan Zemanick, all ten of the Daddo brothers. And Tom Cruise was there!

(James slowly props himself up into a sitting position.)

JAMES
He was not.

CHRISTIAN
Was so. He kept making people use their video-phones to
film him declaring his love for Katie Holmes. It was the best
acting I’ve ever seen.

JAMES
So, did anybody actually know who you were?

CHRISTIAN
Are you kidding? I was a hit. Delta, Missy, Eddie: they
all loved me. And guess what? I found out I have a hidden talent.

(James cringes and puts his hand to his face, completely embarrassed for his brother.)

JAMES
Oh, God. What is it?

CHRISTIAN
Celebrity Impressions! Check it out; guess who I am.

(Christian fiddles with his hair a little, preparing for his amazing impression.)

CHRISTIAN
You idiot.

(James looks on, dumbfounded. Christian continues enthusiastically with the impersonation.)

CHRISTIAN
Y..You idiot. (pauses and points at James) You idiot.

(Christian smiles and breaks out of character.)

CHRISTIAN
You know who I am?

(James continues to stare in awe of his brother’s crappy impression.)

CHRISTIAN
It’s Sam Newman! Come on, that was an easy one.

(James shakes his head.)

JAMES
You idiot.

CHRISTIAN
No, no, you’ve got to do it like this: (points happily) You idiot.

(Christian’s impression sounds no different from what James just said.)

JAMES
(sarcastically)
That’s great.

CHRISTIAN
Yeah! Eddie said he was going to get me a guest
spot on The Footy Show. I tell you what, my star
is really on the rise.

(Christian smiles a self-satisfied, smug smile. For some reason, it is this which sets James’ temper off. James rises from the couch.)

JAMES
Oh, Jesus, Christian - you’re star is not on the rise! Can’t you see? You’re a joke. You and all the other half-baked celebrities spawned by this reality-TV bullshit. The only reason you’re famous is because you’ve been on television everyday as part of a marketing campaign to sell mobile phones and zippy Hyundai’s. The people that watch Big Brother have attention spans shorter than Russell Crowe’s temper. In two weeks, you’ll be just another name in the long list of has-been never-weres who were thrust into the public eye by reality television.

(Christian is taken aback by this outburst.)

CHRISTIAN
What’s your problem, James?

JAMES
My problem is that you’re famous for doing nothing at all!
My problem is that our culture has suddenly decided that
all that matters is money and looks and fame.

CHRISTIAN
What are you talking about?

JAMES
I’m talking about the fact that nowadays, people are famous
just for being famous. They don’t have talent or integrity or
credibility. They just have money and looks and the backing
of major corporations who could make a star out of a fucking
thumbtack if they chose to. I mean, come on, man, did I go to
sleep and wake up in the OC? Why the fuck are imbeciles like
Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson famous? Why does Hilary Duff
have a recording contract? Why can’t I turn on a television without
seeing some generic host telling me to vote for contestants I don’t
recognize to win a competition I don’t fucking care about? Whatever
happened to people earning fame? Whatever happened to paying dues?
Today’s culture encourages mediocrity and rewards stupidity. Pauline
Hanson was a racist and a bad politician, but hey, she can dance
the tango, so now she’s a celebrity! I just... I hate everything that
reality television stands for and frankly, Christian, I hate you for
being a part of it.

(Christian is shocked. James is breathing heavy with anger.)

CHRISTIAN
Fine. But if you want to hate me, can you go and
do it in your bedroom. I’ve got my PR agent coming
over soon to discuss the details of my career.

(James seethes.)

JAMES
What?

CHRISTIAN
Last night, at the party, Bec Cartright hooked me up with
her PR agent. Said she could work wonders. Apparently
she’s single-handedly responsible for breaking up Kim
Clisters and Lleyton Hewitt.

JAMES
That’s horrible.

CHRISTIAN
Not for Bec Cartright. Now she’s engaged and
pregnant by one of Australia’s hottest commodities.

JAMES
Wow, this Public Relations woman sounds like just
the kind of person you should be dealing with.

CHRISTIAN
I know! Wait, were you being sarcastic?

JAMES
I...

(James is interrupted by a knock on the door. Christian’s eyes light up.)

CHRISTIAN
She’s here! Quick, go to your room. I don’t want
your negativity to ruin my meeting.

JAMES
Go to your own room, if you want privacy so much.
I’m comfortable right where I am.

(Christian stares James down before relenting and letting SUZE into the house.)

CHRISTIAN
You must be Suze. It’s great to meet you.

(Christian shakes her hand and kisses her on the cheek. He leads her toward the couch, which James is again sitting on.)

CHRISTIAN
Please, take a seat. This is my brother, James. He was just
about to go to his room and have a sleep.

(Suze goes to sit down on the opposite side of the couch to James.)

JAMES
No I wasn’t.

CHRISTIAN
He’s very tired. He didn’t sleep well last night.

(Suze turns to James, feigning concern.)

SUZE
Really?

CHRISTIAN
He has nightmares. Something about the OC, wasn’t it, James?

(James can’t find words spiteful enough to respond, so he just stares at Christian with intense hatred. Christian gestures toward the side of stage.)

CHRISTIAN
Would you like a cup of coffee, Suze?

SUZE
No, I’m fine, thanks. If you wouldn’t mind, I’d like
to get on with our meeting. I have to see Shane
Crawford in an hour about a film script he wrote.

(James leans toward her, his interest piqued.)

JAMES
Shane Crawford wrote a film script?

SUZE
Yes. It’s an action-adventure-comedy in which he
plays a secret agent who goes undercover as a
champion soccer player to infiltrate a gang of terrorist
ninjas who plan to steal the moon. It’s called:
FOR THE GOOD OF THE ROUND BALL.

(James stares at Suze, dumbfounded. Suze turns her attention back to Christian.)

SUZE
So, should we get on with it, then?

(Christian is excited and obviously allowing Suze to take charge of the proceedings.)

CHRISTIAN
Oh, yeah. Definitely.

(He goes and sits between her and James. James watches as the meeting begins.)

SUZE
Okay, first off, I want to tell you that I
watched every episode of Big Brother this season.

(Christian beams.)

CHRISTIAN
Wow.

SUZE (CONT’D)
And you know why I watched it? Because of you, Christian.
I saw you on that show and I said to myself: ‘Wow. He is a star.’

(Christian is going along with this, being played like an instrument.)

CHRISTIAN
No way!

SUZE
Whether you were working out in the gym, bringing up a suggestion in the forum, cracking onto a girl - everything you did was entertainment to the extreme and I want you to know right off the bat, that you, Christian, you have IT.

CHRISTIAN
I do?

SUZE
In spades.

CHRISTIAN
Wicked!

(James is watching this conversation very cynically. He leans forward to catch Suze’s eye.)

JAMES
Ah, Suze, if I may...

(Suze interrupts James.)

SUZE
Actually, James, you may not. I’m in the middle of a meeting with my client. Oh, wait, I’m being presumptuous. Christian, I, of course, will understand if you would like someone else to represent you, however I would be quite saddened to lose such an amazing talent to another agent...

(Christian is gushing, completely excited due to how much he’s been buttered up.)

CHRISTIAN
No way! Suze, it’s me and you, babe. We’re going to the top!

SUZE
Excellent. You’ve made me very happy.

CHRISTIAN
Aw, no probs, Suze.

SUZE
I’ll be taking a 45% cut of all your earnings and reserve
the right to convert you to Scientology if it will benefit your career.

CHRISTIAN
Whatever you say, Suze. I’m in your hands.

(James has had enough. He rises, angry.)

JAMES
For Christ’s sake!

(Christian and Suze both look up at James who eyes them both with contempt and incredulity before storming off stage. They pause to watch him leave, then return to their conversation as if nothing had happened.)

SUZE
Okay, the first thing we need to do is plan your persona.

(Lights fade.)

SCENE SIX - IN WHICH CHRISTIAN IS MOVED TO WRITE A SONG

(James is in his room, hunched over a desk, writing. A few moments pass by before Christian barges in, gleeful and excited. James jerks violently out of his concentrated state to look up at Christian.)

JAMES
What are you doing? Get out of my room.

CHRISTIAN
Suze is, like, the coolest person ever.

JAMES
Oh, Jesus.

CHRISTIAN
She had so many ideas for my career. It was unbelievable.
With her by my side, nothing can stop me.

JAMES
I don’t doubt that, unfortunately.

CHRISTIAN
There’s gonna be movies, record deals - she even said I might
get a guest spot on Mcleoud’s Daughters playing a spunky
stranger with a mysterious past!

JAMES
Could you please get out of my room. Wait, record deals?

CHRISTIAN
Yeah! She’s already lined up a contract with Sony.
I’m gonna be huge.

JAMES
But, Christian, you can’t sing.

CHRISTIAN
Sure I can! Even you said you used to stay up listening
to me practicing “What If God Was One Of Us?” And
you’re a harsh critic, so I must be good.

JAMES
That’s not what I... Christian, how are you going to write a song?

CHRISTIAN
Oh, yeah, well, uh, that’s kinda what I wanted to talk to you about.
You didn’t really mean what you said about hating my celebrity status, did you?

JAMES
Yes! Yes I did. Very much so.

CHRISTIAN
Oh, come on, James. We’re bro’s. We’re homies. You’ve gotta be happy for me.

JAMES
We’ve had this conversation.

CHRISTIAN
Well, Suze wants me to write a song, you know, about
my Big Brother journey and how it’s affected me as a person.
Except, I’m, like, not that great at writing. That talent belongs to you, James.

JAMES
Oh yes. That talent. What was it you said? Script after rejected script?

CHRISTIAN
Stop living in the past, James. This is about the future. My future.
Our future. If I play my cards right, I could create a legacy for our
family name. But I need your help.

JAMES
I’m not writing a song about Big Brother for you, Christian.

CHRISTIAN
Oh, come on! I need this! Suze says we need to strike while the
iron’s hot, and the iron’s hot now. This is my dream, James.
Don’t you want to be a part of my career? Don’t you want me
to reach the level of stardom I deserve?

JAMES
You don’t deserve... (pause) Okay. I’ll do it.

CHRISTIAN
But! Wait, did you say you’ll do it?

JAMES
Yep.

(Christian runs over to James and hugs him hard. James struggles in the hug uncomfortably.)

CHRISTIAN
Oh, James, you’re the second best Big Brother I’ve ever had.

JAMES
Get off me.

(Christian obliges, though his excitement is still clearly present.)

CHRISTIAN
Okay. Now, Suze reckons this song really needs to touch on
all bases of pop-culture, so it needs to have a rock bit, a soul
bit and a rap bit. Do you think you can write a song with all those things?

JAMES
If Jesse McCartney can do it...

CHRISTIAN
Yeah! Jesse McCartney, that’s exactly the soul angle I’m going
for. (sings) You and your beautiful souuuuuuuuuuullll. (stops singing)

(James quivers at the atrocious sound of Christian’s voice.)

CHRISTIAN
So you’re down?

JAMES
Yes. I’m down. Just, promise me one thing. No matter what, you
can never tell anyone that I wrote this song, okay?

CHRISTIAN
Aw, you want the fans to love me as a lyricist as well?

JAMES
Yeah, that’s the reason.

CHRISTIAN
You are on in a million, James. I won’t forget this.

JAMES
Sure, sure. So, can you get out of my room now?

(Christian is confused for a second, but then thinks he understands the reasoning behind the request.)

CHRISTIAN
Oh. Of course, gotta let the genius do his work. See you later, homeboy.

(Christian leaves happily as James watches, smirking. Lights fade.)

SCENE SEVEN - IN WHICH CHRISTIAN SINGS

(The stage is dark for a few moments. Then, a spotlight is shone on the middle of the stage. Christian stands in the spotlight, ready to perform. Whilst performing, he overacts every emotion and dance move he possibly can.)

CHRISTIAN
(singing soulfully)
Girl. Girl, girl, girl. Big Brother house. Yeah. Come on.
I went to Big Brother house with all my hopes and dreams
Assuming nothing, expecting anything - nothing’s the way it seems
Formed some friendships, shared some laughter, O how the house loved me
I was shocked and torn apart when I was announced as a nominee

(now singing with a harder, growlier edge) Why O Why was I nominated?
Am I really such a bad guy?
I hope you’re happy, house mates
You made Christian cry.

(Christian stops suddenly. A minimalist hip-hop beat plays as the rap sequence of the song begins.)

CHRISTIAN
Yo. Turn that beat up. Yeah. Hot.
(rapping)
Let me break it down for the skeptics
Living in Big Brother house was hectic, hectic
Had to do the tasks and the chores, now
Had to clean the toilet and I didn’t even know how
But when I was nominated
I was devastated, ated, ated
Had to put things in perspective
That was kinda hard ‘cause I didn’t feel accepted
Why did they nominate me?
I was going crazy, crazy, crazy

(back to singing soulfully)
But then you came to me, girl
You fixed everything and changed my world
You’re my perfect spouse
Big Brother house.

(The sound of an audience cheering wildly plays as the lights fade with Christian blowing kisses to his audience.)

SCENE EIGHT - IN WHICH CHRISTIAN’S SONG IS WELL-RECEIVED

(James sits on the couch, reading a BEAT MAGAZINE. His face is contorted with disgust and horror as he reads an article. We watch for a while as his expression becomes increasingly animated. Eventually, he throws the magazine to the floor. Simultaneously, Christian enters the room. The magazine lands near his feet. Christian picks it up and smiles.)

CHRISTIAN
Did you see the article?

(James doesn’t respond, he merely stares at Christian. Christian opens the magazine and begins reading aloud from the article.)

CHRISTIAN
“Not only is Christian charismatic and attractive, his poetry
is also heartfelt and meaningful. His single (You Made Christian Cry)
puts to shame all other Australians who have ever attempted to
make music.” Can you believe that? They even call me a “lyrical miracle”.
Tell you what, at first I didn’t think my poem was very good, but now
I see my talents go way beyond celebrity impressions and singing. I’m a writer too!

(James is seething as he listens to this. Trying to maintain control, he responds.)

JAMES
But I wrote the song.

CHRISTIAN
That’s not what the credits say.

(This is too much for James to handle. He springs off the couch, angrily.)

JAMES
I don’t care what the fucking credits say! You know just as
well as I do that you came to me, begging me to write the song for you.

CHRISTIAN
Look, James, I’m a busy celebrity nowadays. I can’t be
expected to remember every conversation I have.

JAMES
Fuck you, Christian! You’re not a celebrity! You’re worthless!
You’re talentless! The only thing getting you by is that shrewd
bitch of a PR Agent. Are you so completely caught in your own
hype that you can’t even see that it’s just that: hype?

CHRISTIAN
This is obviously very important to you. Right now, however,
I’ve gotta go and meet my stylist. If you want to discuss this
further, organize a time with Suze. Here’s her card. Her office
isn’t far and she’s very easy to deal with.

(Christian hands a card to James.)

CHRISTIAN
I’ll see you around, okay?

(Christian leaves nonchalantly, completely oblivious to what just happened. James is furious. He kicks the couch and storms around before eventually stopping and looking at the card.)

JAMES
That’s it.

(James exits the same way Christian exited. Lights fade.)

SCENE NINE - IN WHICH SUZE AND JAMES ARGUE PHILOSOPHIES

(Suze sits at her desk, speaking into her mobile phone.)

SUZE
Oh, Bec, don’t be so silly. All I did was poke holes in the condoms.
You did all the hard work. (pause) Well, I’m glad you’re happy. You’ve
been an absolute pleasure to work with.

(Suddenly, James storms into the office. Suze is taken by surprise and gestures with her head for James to leave, but he just stands there staring at her. After a few seconds of staring, Suze relents.)

SUZE
Look, Bec, I’m going to have to go. A very rude person has
just barged into my office. (pause) Okay, bye-bye, sweetheart.
Say hi to Lleyton for me.

(Suze clicks her phone off and looks sternly to James.)

SUZE
You know, the usual run of things is to make an appointment.

JAMES
You’re poisonous.

SUZE
I beg your pardon?

JAMES
You’ve turned my brother into a crazed egomaniac.

SUZE
Your brother was a crazed egomaniac long before I met him.

JAMES
Maybe so, but he wasn’t famous before you met him. You went and justified his ego for him.

SUZE
What is this about, James?

JAMES
This is about you, you venomous, culture-shaping slut!

SUZE
Excuse me?

JAMES
Who do you think you are? You sit there at your fancy desk
with your manipulative mind, creating celebrities out of nobodies.
You’re destroying pop-culture!

SUZE
Destroying it? Hardly. If anything, I’m making it stronger.

JAMES
How can you possibly say that? You represent talentless
hacks and use your personality and stroke to thrust them
into the mainstream. How could that be making pop-culture
stronger? You’re clogging the creative media with mediocrity
and because of that, anybody who’s exposed to these so-called
celebrities is being dumbed down.

SUZE
You’re saying people who enjoy mediocre works of television or song-writing are dumb?

JAMES
Yes! Yes I am! Very much so!

SUZE
Oh, James. That’s such a narrow point of view. Yes, I
will concede that some, if not most, of the acts I represent
are not the greatest at their chosen profession. But that’s
not all that has to be taken into account here.

JAMES
Oh, really?

SUZE
Your brother told me how much you hated the idea of
him going on a reality-TV show. I know your type, James.
You think reality television is stupid and so you assume
that anybody who watches it is stupid and anybody who
stars in it is stupid and frankly, James, you’re stupid for
thinking that way. Do you know why people watch reality television?

JAMES
No. Please enlighten me.

SUZE
Because it sells an ideal. Whether you like it or not, James, most people do want to be famous. By nature, humans crave attention. That’s what everything comes down to when you really think about it. War, creativity, love: it’s all about being recognized, being put up on a pedestal and being told you’re worthy. The reason people watch reality television is because it tells them that anybody has a chance to be famous. People watch reality-TV shows and think “that could be me” and they analyse what they would do if put in the same situation as the “normal people” they’re watching.

JAMES
And is that the reason you do the job you do? To help “normal people”
become famous? To help them achieve their dreams?

SUZE
Yes, that is one reason. And of course,
there is the money. I make a lot of money.

(James stares at Suze, sickened by her.)

SUZE
Is that all you came here for, James? A debate?

(James continues to stare, then he looks down to the ground.)

JAMES
No.

(James raises his head and looks at Suze.)

JAMES
I’ll pay you double whatever Christian’s paying you
if you can just get him the hell out of the limelight. I
don’t want him to be famous. I don’t want him lording
that over me for the rest of our years. I’ll end up killing him.

(Suze considers the offer.)

SUZE
You know that Christian is paying me a lot of money?

JAMES
I don’t care. Some things are more important than money.

SUZE
I’m willing to accept your offer, James, but you do know what this means?

JAMES
What?

SUZE
Well, you’ve just attacked me for manufacturing celebrities
and forcing people to like something that has no merit, yet
you now want me to manufacture the downfall of a celebrity.
You want me to change the lives of thousands of fans, just to
suit your own greedy cause? I’ll do this if you want, James, but
you know that if we go through with this, then you can no longer
hold the moral high ground over me. Are you ready to live with that, James?
Are you ready to become a sell-out?

JAMES
I...I... dammit!

(James storms out of the office as Suze smiles. Lights fade.)

SCENE TEN - IN WHICH MATTERS ARE RESOLVED

(James sits on the couch, gazing vacantly at nothing in particular. Suddenly, Christian dances onto the stage. He moves to the centre of the lounge area and continues dancing. It takes a few moments before James pays him any regard. James watches his dancing brother, disappointed and defeated.)

JAMES
What are you doing?

(Christian does not stop dancing as he responds.)

CHRISTIAN
Practicing my moves. Suze says she can probably get me
a spot on Dancing With The Stars next year.

(James continues to watch pointlessly.)

JAMES
I’m moving out, Christian.

(Christian still does not stop dancing.)

CHRISTIAN
What? Why?

JAMES
It’s you, Christian. I dunno. Maybe it’s me. This whole Big
Brother thing, you being a celebrity - it’s driving me crazy. I
don’t know why it bothers me so much. I think it’s the fact
that it’s so close to home now. At least before I could keep
the TV off and not pay any attention to it, but now, because
of you, I’m constantly exposed to this world I don’t want anything
to do with. Does that make sense?

(Christian continues dancing without offering an answer. Eventually he stops.)

CHRISTIAN
You don’t have to move out.

JAMES
Yeah, Christian. I really do.

CHRISTIAN
Not because of me. I mean, I’m only going to be here for another week.

JAMES
What?

CHRISTIAN
Oh, man. I didn’t tell you, did I? Suze organized a stay for me
in America. I’m already signed up for two broadway shows
and I might even be doing a few movies.

(James just stares at his brother, the defeat getting continually worse.)

CHRISTIAN
So, yeah. I’m moving out in a week anyway. Don’t
worry, though. I’ve organized a replacement room-mate.

JAMES
What? Who?

CHRISTIAN
It was another Big Brother contestant. She doesn’t have
the talents I have, so when she was evicted, she pretty
much bombed. She needed a place to stay and you now
have a room to spare, so I offered for her to move in here.

JAMES
You’re not serious.

CHRISTIAN
Yeah, man.

(A knock on the door is heard. Christian continues to sell the idea to James as he goes to open the door. James remains sitting on the couch, helpless.)

CHRISTIAN
Oh! That’ll be her now. You’ll love her, man. She was a
really great person in the Big Brother house. Her name’s Belinda.

(Christian allows Belinda inside. Belinda springs forth, bubbly and excited. She hugs Christian hard.)

BELINDA
Oh, Chrissy! I’ve missed you so much.

(She releases him and walks to the centre of the room.)

BELINDA
And what a great place! Oh, there’s a lot of
hot redecorating I can do around here.

(Belinda finally notices James.)

BELINDA
And you must be Jay!

(She rushes over to him and leaps atop him with a mighty hug. After that, she leaps back off the couch and notices James’ bedroom. She runs into the room.)

BELINDA
I call this room!

(James turns around, horrified.)

JAMES
That’s my room!

(Belinda rushes back into the lounge.)

BELINDA
That’s okay. We can share.

(Christian watches all of this with a smile on his face. James looks to Christian, aghast, and then drops his head into his hands.)

CHRISTIAN
Well, I’ll leave you two to work out the living arrangements.
I’ve got a hot lunch date with Missy Higgins to get to.

(With that, Christian leaves and the lights fade to black.)

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