Hammond's Hero.

Robby C. was woken up at 10 AM by his priest, Father Hammond.

“Robby, wake up. You fell asleep in the confession booth again.”

Robby was quite tired, but he got up. His neck and hurt and subsequently he had a headache. He had been sleeping in an uncomfortable position.

“I’m sorry father, for falling ‘sleep like this
It’s just I had so many sins to confess.”

Robby C. was a rapper. A religious rapper. Father Hammond spoke to him kindly.

“That’s no problem Robby. You know you’re welcome here any time. As long as you keep up your performances.”

Robby’s performances. They’d become the Main Attraction of Father Hammond’s sermons lately. The congregation loved Robby’s new take on Christianity.

“Yo Ham, be assured my performances will continue
As I help the church bring in more revenue.”

At 11: 55 it was time for Robby to close the sermon with freestyle. He was introduces by Father Hammond.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, please make welcome… RELIGIOUS RAPPIN’ ROBBY!”

Everyone cheered as Robby, mic in hand, took stance at the altar. He let lose with a “phat” freestyle.

“His name is Jesus
He always aims to please us
His power’s seamless
And he uses it to lead us
Making miracles
Whilst others stay cynical
I get lyrical
And the church goes hysterical
He gave me tha gift of the gab
And I’m’a use it
No amount of Satan’s evil could ever defuse it
‘Cause he is the lord
Him and the almighty God
Team Messiah
You be knowin’ I won’t defy ya
I’m ya minion
Screw all others opinions
We are Christian
And now begins our mission
To give everyone the power to believe in faith
Fill the void with love, take away the hate
‘Cause I’m Triple R and I’m here to say
We all be Christian, doin’ things God’s way.”

Robby’s freestyle received a standing ovation. Father Hammond went to “Triple R” and shook his hand. Hammond then bid goodbye to his audience, adding as they left:

“I think we can all learn a great deal from Robby. He is definitely a great asset to his church and the Christian faith.”

Indeed he was. You see, in his spare time, Robby blew up mosques and synagogues. He killed monks. Slaughtered Hindus. Everyone whose religious beliefs differed from his was as good as dead. Some would call Robby a fanatic. Those some were hung from trees outside the church.

To Father Hammond and his congregation he was a hero. Eliminating al threats to the Christian faith. Each week the religious attacks became more frequent and each week more and more people attended Father Hammond’s church.

Robby C. wasn’t always like this though. He wasn’t always a religious rapper who went on murderous tirades. Only two years before he started freestyling at the church, he was homeless. His only source of revenue came from busking outside a local 7-11, mostly rapping about how much he needed a slurpee. Sick and alone, Robby slept under a bridge. One night however, Robby heard noises. Someone was nearby. Coming to his bridge. It sounded like two people. A man and a child. When he went to investigate he found Father Hammond.

“Hey, yo, who the hell are you fool?
Step back or I'll take yo punk ass ta skool!” asked/said Robby angrily, hoping to intimidate the man into running. Father Hammond turned, startled.

“Jesus! Who are you?”

“I asked first, my white brutha
So answer me... word to ya mother.” Robby replied.

“Okay. My name is Richard Hammond. I work at the St. Peter’s Cathedral.”

“Well, what the hell are you doing here?
Any body out this late has gotta be queer.”

Robby’s words filled the cold night air as Hammond looked cautiously to his left, where the river under the bridge ran. The river was quiet. Hammond turned back to Robby and answered. “I was just…I was sent here by… God.” Hammond looked intensely at Robby.

“You come to me heaven sent?
So why you all sweaty and look like your load is spent?” Robby inquired, wondering if the paint he’d been sniffing had finally caused permanent damage.

Hammond made up a story as he went. “Yes, I was sent here by God. He told me of your suffering and of how much you needed shelter. He sent me here to save you… sorry, I didn’t catch your name?”

“My name is Robby
And rappin's my hobby.” The soon to be religious rapper answered. He silently stared at Hammond for a moment before asking:

“You really here to give me shelter?
That's almost enough to make my heart melta.”

“Yes indeed I am.”

“Where?
... pear” Robby asked.

“Ah…” Hammond realised he had backed himself into a corner. There was only one option he could think of. “At my house.”

Robby did not decline the offer of free shelter. Nor did he inquire as to why Hammond felt so urged to help him out, he figured the sent by God story was true.

This situation could have easily turned into another incarnation of the famed “Odd Couple”. It didn’t however as Robby and Hammond got on like a mosque on fire. Hammond found Robby’s freestyles to be very entertaining, and Robby learnt a lot from Hammond about the church, Christianity and faith. Soon enough, Robby was a constant attendee at the cathedral.

Hammond took on the role of Robby’s mentor, teaching him everything that he could about the church, and telling him why all other religions were evil.

“What about Jews?
I’ve never heard bad stuff 'bout them on the news." Robby inquired. Hammond scoffed.

“Jews nice? Pffft! Where do they worship?”

“Um… Synagogues?
...Flinagogues.”

“That’s right. And they aren’t called SINagogues for no reason!”

Robby nodded in agreement. The statement made perfect sense.

Hammond’s teachings had a profound effect on Robby and made him the vigilant religious rapper that he turned out to be.

“I think we can all learn a great deal from Robby. He is definitely a great asset to this church and the Christian faith.”

Hammond’s words rang in the ears of the congregation as they left, making sure to shake hands with Robby as they did so. Each person that left the church that day had been moved by Robby’s rap and decided he was right. They were Christian and it was time to fight for their rights. Time to start the mission. Time to abolish all other religions.

After that sermon, hate crimes and religion-based murders increased by four hundred percent and every week they, and Father Hammond’s congregation (army) grew.