Too many friends.
You wake up in the morning, tired from a night of drinking and heroin. Despite this you manage to get yourself up and out to work. At work, you’re tired, but you still do your job. Then you get back home. Relaxation time. But what’s this? You get a phone call. It’s a friend, just wondering if you want to go out and shoot some pool and heroin. Obligingly, you accept the offer.
This is why so many Australian’s are so angry and tired. Because their friends keep them up. Well, this need be a problem no more, because if you follow my simple instructions below, you will learn instantly:
HOW TO LOSE FRIENDS.
I call this the party method.
First you ring up all your friends. Make sure to sound bright and chirpy on the phone. You’re going to have a barbeque. Make sure all your friends can make it, for ultimate effect.
Once everyone is at your home, invite them to the garage (you will need a decently sized one), where there is a table and some food already waiting. Watch as the parasites crowd around the food and start shoveling it on to their plates. Vermin they are. Then, as everyone is eating and talking (at the same time, freaks) and generally having a good evening, you go outside, turn on the hose and re-enter the garage, squirting everyone. Spray them all. They will quickly scatter themselves around your garage and backyard, trying to escape the water. Once they have all escaped, they will admonish you. All you have to do is laugh. They will be furious.
Some people are persistent, however, and though they and the food have been saturated in water, the people that you’re dealing with will want to finish it off anyway. For those people, we execute Part B of the plan.
“Hey, does anyone want some snags?” you will ask. Of course they will all reply affirmatively. This is all the opening you need. Go to your barbeque. Turn on the gas. Get some sausages out and put them atop the barby, to create the illusion of cooking. Then, get out some marijuana. Since all of your friends are druggies, they will love the idea of a nice dinner joint. Offer them the dope, free. They will accept. Give them all the accessories they need to roll the joint. Papers, bowl, the works. Then leave. Without saying goodbye, just leave. Make sure though, to have a suitcase pre-packed, and to take that with you. You’re not going to be returning to your house for a while.
Now with you gone, everything is in place. The maggots are chomping away at their food and rolling a joint simultaneously. Meanwhile, the air around them is filling with gas. They won’t smell this of course, because of the strong marijuana odor. Time will elapse as they roll and eat. The gas, which is now every where is slowly getting them high. But they need more. The joint is finished.
“Who’s got a lighter?” Human Filth #1 will ask. “I do.” Human Filth #2 soon replies. The trap is set. Hopefully you’re long gone by now. Slowly, Human Filth #1 puts the joint to his lips. He begins sucking gently and then… BOOM!
It’ll be like Christmas in Baghdad. Debris and destruction and death everywhere. The fire + the gas = the solution.
Now, all your friends are either dead or really angry with you. The next morning you wake up in your motel bed. Your back hurts a little, but no biggie. You go to work. Do your job. After the day’s work is done, you go back home. There will be police tape around your house. Ignore it. Just step right through and enter your home. Take a moment to admire the smoking hole in the ground that was once your garage. Then sleep.
A long, beautiful sleep. No annoying phone calls to wake you up. No one wanting to go to the footy, or train spotting. You will be alone, and it will feel great.
There you go, that is what I call the party method, and whilst it may involve having a garage and the will to murder people, it is quite effective. I know from experience. Once all this is done, you will finally be able to live a life of sleeping and immersing yourself in work. It will result in you being a much happier and caring person.
As a side note, just make sure if you are going to go ahead with this method, that you don’t leave the plans to your scheme on the kitchen bench, where anyone (especially Police) can find it. Once again, I know from experience.
So good luck readers! I hope the plan works better for you than it did for me.
Signed, Corey Young (Inmate #53425671)