Fading Façade.

What do you do when the one thing holding your world together suddenly collapses from beneath you?

Some things are just too big to deny. Sometimes, hiding from the truth is just time wasted. There was no way I was ever going to forget the sight of that needle, nor free my mind of the idea of such a dirty tool being inside Katya. The disgust I felt hurt almost more than the knowledge that everything I once knew was slipping away.

With my eyes closed, I tried to picture images that had once comforted me and made me feel all right. Though, every one was clouded, impaired by this revelation. Now I’d try to picture Katya naked in a stream, free and one with nature, yet all that unfolded in my mind were images of her out of it unconscious or asking for change on the steps of Flinders St. Station. I’d try to think back and relive my best times with Katya. Spending time together on the beach. Though, as hard as I thought, the images would not recreate themselves. They were lost. All that remained of them was the fact that I knew they’d occurred. At this stage, all that remained of me was my past. I had no present and if my future was to be anything like this, it would be just as inconsequential. I was wallowing in my own apocalyptic reality in Damo’s lounge room, uncertain of what to do next, meticulously going over all the possible scenarios that lay before me.

I was creating scenes in my head, all revolved around confronting Katya with this. Conversations, arguments, lectures – all of them leading to the exact same ending. I could never see her again.

As much as these scenes pained me, I knew that this ending was already scripted and perhaps had been since the first time we met. What I knew was that I loved and needed Katya, though I also knew some needs just aren’t healthy. As much as my thoughts continued to agonize me, my mind wandered back over every moment I’d spent with Katya. Every word said and every gesture made. Suddenly, occurrences that I’d dismissed, anything that may have cast a negative light on Katya at the time, came back to me and I saw that the needle was merely the breaking point. I saw into my past, not images, but knowledge, occurrences frozen in my mind for eternity. I saw Katya’s moodiness, I saw her frailty. In one moment, I saw everything objectively. Seeing all these negative points, still I loved her, though it was becoming imminently clear that our future as I’d seen it had never existed. I saw the way Katya’s presence in my life had affected me. The way she had plagued my mind. Poisoned my thoughts and everything else in my life so that all I had was her.

Katya wasn’t a girl. She was a dependency. By kissing her I’d infected myself with the poison that ran throughout her veins.

The knowledge that I’d have to free myself of her immediately tore at my insides. I felt an aching incomparable to anything in this world. Sitting in Damo’s lounge room, I was blinded by the unyielding light of truth. My thoughts told me that the time had to be now. I had to call her and end it. Now.

And just hope that ending it wouldn’t end me.

The phone was in my hand and I was staring at the numbers, the thought of dialing causing agony throughout my body. I was apprehensive and frightened. The intensity of the act was building up inside me and making the call seem infinitely harder with each passing second. Though, I knew I was resigned and, summoning up all the willpower I had, I forced myself to dial the numbers.

With my ears against the receiver, the ringing in my head was likely louder than the ringing in Katya’s house. Both went on for ages. After a long while, I realised that she probably wasn’t at home.

I realised that in all likelihood she had gotten up so early and suddenly to head to Jessie’s. To fix herself. I knew Jessie’s number off by heart now, having had to call it to catch Katya so many times. It took me another few minutes before I could recall the nerve to take the plunge.

Once this is done, everything will be different, I thought. Once I start dialing, the end begins, I knew. In that moment, I was convinced that this was the culmination of my being. The pinnacle of my existence. Though, if you try hard enough you can convince yourself of anything.

And I dialed. And my heart stopped. And I was one step away from oblivion or salvation. My whole world was about to change. How the change would affect me and shape the rest of life, I didn’t know. All I knew was what my memories told me.

“Hello?” Any thoughts I had were paralyzed by Jessie’s voice. Though my mind implored me, I was unable to speak. Possibly something in the core of my body knew this was wrong and was trying to prevent me from making the biggest mistake of my life. Or possibly I was just scared out of my mind. “Hello?” she repeated, and I forced air out of my mouth. Words flowing out with it.

“Hi. It’s Owen. Can I speak to Katya?” I felt choked up, unable to breathe. How I could speak was beyond me.

“She’s busy.” Jessie responded plainly, sounding as if she’d just woken up. My mind assured me she was high. Whether she was or not was of no relevance. All I wanted was to speak to Katya and end it as fast as I could, yet that was the exact opposite of what I wanted.

“It’s important.” I said, and now my instincts were trying to reverse themselves, attempting to convince me to change my mind. Silence followed for what could have been seconds but felt like days. Eventually she succumbed and put Katya on the phone. Her greeting was tired and worn and I adjudged it the same way I had Jessie’s. Whether I knew it or not, I was trying to pile more negativity her way to make the situation easier on myself. I knew I was right but a niggling feeling persisted within me. The need for Katya, the comfort of her warmth, her abluent nature contriving my thoughts and attempting to convince myself of anything but the truth. The disgust and hesitance must’ve been obvious when I began speaking.

“Katya, I need to see you.” Moments went by before she answered.

“You just saw me.” She said, and I could tell she knew something was up and was playing down the possibility of any problems we may have. I could tell.

“I need to see you again.” I replied plainly, brazen now that the premeditation of my mind was turning to reality. “I need to see you now.” And as I said this I wandered whether I could bring myself to do this to her face.

“I just got here, I’ll see you tonight.” Excuses that I refused to accept. My negativity had given me the courage to endeavor this for the moment.

“No.” I stated bluntly. “I’m coming over to Jessie’s. Where does she live?”

“Owen…” she sounded frustrated and saddened and aware of impending doom.

“What’s the address?” And I was sounding angry and unprepared to take any shit and probably much braver and more certain of myself than I felt.

“I’ll call you later Owen.” Her last words came rushed before the line went dead. Stopped as still as my heart. She’d hung up on me. Now I was lost. This was an issue I needed resolved immediately. I didn’t want this playing on my mind all day. What I wanted was to end the thing right now and begin dealing with the pain it would entail. Uncharacteristic of me. Possibly, I was evolving.

With all this chaos surrounding me, I was clarified. I had only one objective and despite how agonizing that only objective was, it felt somewhat comforting that there weren’t more complications. Sometimes you have to go crazy before the world can make any sense.

I had a one track mind. How can I reach Katya?

I dialed Jessie’s number again. No one answered. In spite of them, I maintained the call, envisioning them sitting beside the ringing phone wishing the noise away. Finally, the ringing ceased, one of them picked the receiver up. Though, whoever it was said nothing before ending the call.

Now I was growing frustrated. The problem with opening yourself up to other people is that when an issue arises, you usually need their help to resolve it. You can deny your own demons if you try hard enough, but when there’s another involved, that person is always there to reflect the problem. It’s difficult enough to work through your own shit, let alone that which is thrust upon you by the presence of others. That’s why so many people choose to be alone, to wallow in despair and always have their dreams remain just that – a fantasy to disappear to when they need to escape. If you dare the live the dream, there always stands the chance that you’ll discover that your perception was warped and that the chance that you’ll discover that your perception was warped and that the fantasy was a façade. The real thing usually can’t compete with whatever you first imagine. That’s why love grows stale. Why jobs get tiresome. That’s why Katya was slowly becoming more real to me. The façade had faded and now, though I still felt deeply for her, I could no longer convince myself that she was a perfect specimen. An angel. She had flaws just like everything else in the world. Perhaps that was the real reason I needed to get out. Because my vision, my fantasy of her had been destroyed by reality. The longer and better I knew her, the further she would stray from what I had first envisioned her being.

I needed away from Katya because each moment together would further separate us and bring us both misery. As my mind wandered, I subconsciously realised that I was merely using the needle as a catalyst. These feelings had been brewing within me since I first met Katya. Our first date had given me a glimpse of a girl that I then fantasized about. In reality, she could never live up to my dream of her. Though, still, my conscious mind told me that I was outraged that Katya could ever touch such a filthy drug. That was the reason we needed to be finished, I told myself.

All these thoughts were realised in a second and forgotten by the next.

Sammi, I thought. She may know Jessie’s address. As I dialed Sammi’s number, I hoped this would be the final stretch before I could resolve everything. By now, I saw breaking up as some kind of solution to all the insanity I’d been experiencing. The notebook, the room that somehow found itself in Damo’s house, all these things I’d attempted to forget, tried to lock away, still returned on occasion to play with my mind and morph my thoughts before quickly disappearing again.

Your mind is an infinite catalogue of information you’ll never be aware you have. Still, it will affect everything you do. That’s why so many things we do make absolutely no sense.

Sammi answered her phone and I immediately burst out with words I hadn’t planned.

“Do you know Jessie?”

Silence followed before Sammi asked “Owen?”

“Katya’s friend Jessie. Do you know her?”

“I know of her. But I don’t think Katya’s seen her in months.”

“You’re wrong.” I stated. “Katya’s been hanging out with her all month.” Sammi said nothing for a period. Finally, she confirmed everything I’d already figured.

“Last time Katya saw her, she said she was fucked.”

“Drugs?” I interrupted.

“Yeah…”

“Sammi, do you know where she lives? I have to speak to Katya.”

“Kat’s there?” She exclaimed, worry instantly finding a voice.

“Do you know where Jessie lives?” I didn’t answer.

“No. I never went to her…” and I hung up. If I couldn’t call and couldn’t visit, there was only one option remaining.

To got to Katya’s house and wait for her to return. How long I’d have to wait, I didn’t know. It would just be more time. More time before resolution. More time to pass by as my mind subconsciously morphs itself whilst telling me every reason dumping Katya is a good idea except for the truth.

More time to languish in the fantasy before trading in my dreams for reality, once and for all.