DO PUBIC LICE DREAM OF PHALLIC SHEEP?

CAST OF CHARACTERS:

ARIELLE - A mother lice whom once held aspirations of being something better, but has seen them dissipate after an extended period in a bad marriage.

STEVE - An aggressive father lice who is set in his ways. He has firm beliefs that he feels everyone else should adhere to and makes that clear constantly.

CLEOPATRA - The child lice of Arielle and Steve. He is ambitious like his mother was and is yet to have his spirit crushed.

DAN - A vegan, hippy, slightly sick-in-the-head young man whom hosts this wonderful family of characters in his pubic region.

STAGE DESIGN

Near the centre of the stage sits a yellow box. Apart from that the scenery is empty.

BEGIN.

Standing centre stage wearing second hand clothes and sporting an unkempt hairdo is Dan. Surrounding him in a circular fixture are Arielle, Steve and Cleopatra - a family of Pubic Lice that have been living with Dan for quite some time. They skip merrily around him whilst holding hands, singing together.

ARIELLE, STEVE & CLEOPATRA

It's a wonderful time to be pubic lice
The blood is good and the pubes are nice
Our host is clean and our life is rich
Still we make the poor bastard itch and itch

They unravel and form a line behind Dan, still hand in hand. All on stage are energetic and full of smiles, as if partaking in a children's program.

DAN

Hi everybody. I'm Dan and I'm host to crabs!

Dan dances sideways as Arielle steps forward.

ARIELLE

Hello, my name is Arielle. I used to be a creative thinking free-spirit but an extended period in a bad marriage has turned me bitter and worn away my potential for greatness. YAY!

Arielle dances away as Steve steps forward.

STEVE

G'day, my name's Steve. Outside of home I appear like a loveable caring lice, but when you get to know me I'm a real prick. COME ON!

Steve too dances off, this time Cleopatra skips forward.

CLEOPATRA

Greetings! I'm Cleopatra. WHAT A WACKY NAME! I'm young, energetic and super ambitious. Watch me go!

Cleopatra zooms off like an aeroplane, eventually flying through Dan's legs and taking position in the scenery. Arielle and Steve follow him. Dan again takes centre stage.

DAN

I used to have a girl. A beautiful girl. She was great. Full of smiles, always helpful, open to suggestion. What I didn't know was that she had more crabs than Bells Beach! One time was all it took before BAM! I was crawling with critters. It's quite bothersome.

Dan scratches himself uncomfortably.

DAN

My doctor gave me some special shampoo but I can't bring myself to use it. You see, I love animals. All animals. Sometimes more than the law would appreciate. I just don't have it in me to kill something, no matter how small. That's why my girl dumped me. She said I was being ridiculous. "It's not like they're important" she said. Maybe they aren't, but... I dunno. Deep down I believe that they can feel, can think, can love, just like any human. What kind of man would I be to take that away?

Exit Dan, scratching his groin all the way. Now the family is the main fixture of the scene, sitting in their "living room". Steve is sitting on a square yellow block relaxing and reading the newspaper. Sitting slightly ahead of him looking out to the audience in wonder is Cleopatra. Arielle approaches Steve timidly, cup in hand.

ARIELLE (eager to impress)

Husband, I've brought you blood.

She hands Steve the cup of blood and watches tensely as he tastes it. One sip is all that's needed before he spits and tosses the cup away.

STEVE

Aw! Where the hell'd ya get that from? An arse?

ARIELLE

No, I got it from the scrotum, just how you like it.

STEVE

Well, it tastes terrible.

ARIELLE

Hon, you always say that. Ever since we moved from that Danish girl.

STEVE

That's because everywhere we go now, the blood tastes like crap! I'm sure it's your fault, but maybe it's time we moved again.

ARIELLE

Oh, not again. We can't keep doing this to Cleopatra. Every time we get settled somewhere you find a reason to move and he has ro leave all his friends.

STEVE

Nonsense! You don't care if we move again, do you Cleo?

Cleopatra doesn't answer.

STEVE

Cleo... Cleo... OI! What are you doing?

Cleopatra jumps, startled, then, eyes still gazing outward, begins to speak.

CLEOPATRA

Mum, Dad... do you ever wonder if this is all there is to life?

ARIELLE

What do you mean, son?

CLEOPATRA

It's just so tedious. All we ever do is drink blood and sleep.

STEVE

See, he's bored with this place as well. We should move.

CLEOPATRA

It's not this place I'm bored with. It's... everything. As far as I can see, all our life consists of is mating and feeding, and then we die. It's pointless. Just like all this moving. Why do we bother if we're just trading one life for another that's virtually the same?

Arielle moves to Cleopatra and puts an arm around him. For a moment she too casts her eye to the audience, then relents, looking to her son.

ARIELLE

I never knew you felt this way. I thought you would want stability, steady friends.

Cleopatra faces his mother.

CLEOPATRA

No way. Who's got time for that? We only live for a few weeks at most. I want to use that time well. I want to explore the world.

Steve has had enough. He rises off his block violently and shouts.

STEVE

Oh, Jesus Lice! Will you listen to yourself, Cleo? You're giving me a headache!

Steve turns his attention to Arielle.

STEVE

This is all your fault, you know? These are all your crazy ideas recycled. I never should've let you name him. If he'd had a good strong name like Bruce or Hulk he wouldn't be thinking like this. He'd know his role and be content with it. You've ruined him!

Cleopatra stands up and turns to his father.

CLEOPATRA

Dad! I'm not ruined. Can't you see my point? If we're going to travel all the time, why don't we go somewhere other than a scrotum. Why don't we go out there?

Cleopatra points out to the audience.

STEVE

What? Out in the open? Don't be an idiot, moron. If we go out there, we'll die!

CLEOPATRA

How do you know?

STEVE

Because it's common bloody sense. Pubic lice live on pubes. That's what seperates us from the mosquitoes!

CLEOPATRA

But, isn't it better to die exploring, rather than just sitting back and waiting to die?

Steve is shocked. His whole idea of life is being threatened and he doesn't know what to do. He turns to his wife for help.

STEVE

Surely you can hear how stupid this sounds?

ARIELLE

No, actually. I agree with him.

STEVE

Shut up you contemptible harpy! I'll sort this fool out. You go get me some blood!

ARIELLE

Why? So you can throw it away and demean me? No more. You've sucked enough blood from this poor man's scrotum. You've sucked enough from everyone. Come on, Cleo. Let's go.

CLEOPATRA

Where to?

ARIELLE

For now, anywhere. But next time this guy *points upward* has a shower, we'll cling on to the towel. We'll explore, just like you've always wanted.

Cleopatra smiles. He takes his mother's hand and they walk off stage. Steve can't believe what has happened. More than hurt, he's outraged at the stupidity of his family.

STEVE

Fine! Chase your silly pipe dreams, I don't need you!

He goes to suck some blood from the ground. Shortly thereafter he shoots up violently, disgusted.

STEVE

Ew! *looks upward and shouts* Go to a Danish brothel!

END.

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