Whee....I think these all came from Patrick...its very philosiphical..so..whoosh. A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. - Mark Twain A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it rains. - Robert Frost I never thought much of the courage of a lion-tamer. Inside the cage he is at least safe from people. - George Bernard Shaw Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson What is the use of straining after an amiable view of things, when a cynical view is most likely to be the true one? - George Bernard Shaw I love Americans, but not when they try to talk French. What a blessing it is that they never try to talk English. - Saki (H. H. Munro) An autobiography is the story of how a man thinks he lived. - Herbert Samuel Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without. - Anonymous If thine enemy offend thee, give his child a drum. - Chinese Curse Everbody sets out to do something, and everybody does something, but no one does what he sets out to do. - George Moore He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. - George Bernard Shaw Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage. - H.L. Mencken Let us be thankful for fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed. - Mark Twain Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same. - George Bernard Shaw There's nothing wrong with the average person that a good psychiatrist can't exaggerate. - Toronto Star Newspaper ): I always get the better when I argue alone. - Oliver Goldsmith History repeats itself. That's one of the things wrong with history. - Clarence Darrow I am not young enough to know everything. - Oscar Wilde Nothing more clearly show how little God esteems his gift to men of wealth, money, position and other wordly goods, than the way he distributes these, and the sort of men who are most amply provided with them. - Jean De La Bruyere Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, sings. - Ed Gardner Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. - Oscar Wilde The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused. - Shirley Maclaine We can lick gravity, but sometimes the paperwork is overwhelming. - Wehrner von Braun Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. - Groucho Marx US intelligence is a contradiction in terms.-Patrick Beahan All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income. - Samuel Butler I distrust camels and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. - Joe E. Lewis If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to? - Bette Midler, singer and actress It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed. - Kin Hubbard Any sufficiently advanced bureaucracy is indistinguishable from molasses. - Anonymous The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it. - P.J. O'Rourke The years betwen 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down. - T S Eliot When Solomon said that there was a time and a place for everything he had not encountered the problem of parking an automobile. - Bob Edwards From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. - Groucho Marx I don't mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is the language I don't understand. - Edward Appleton Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. - George Bernard Shaw Middle Age is when your age starts to show around your middle. - Bob Hope The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up and does not stop until you get into the office. - Robert Frost As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't. - Carrie Fisher The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat. - Lilly Tomlin, actress, author and commedian When women go wrong, men go right after them. - Mae West It is extraordinary how potent cheap music is. - Noel Coward I have witnessed and greatly enjoyed the first act of everything which Wagner created, but the effect on me has always been so powerful that one act was quite sufficient; whenever I have witnessed two acts I have gone away physically exhausted; and whenever I have ventured an entire opera the result has been the next thing to suicide. - Mark Twain, 1891 My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me. - Benjamin Disraeli There's a helluva distance between wisecracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words. - Dorothy Parker One is never more on trial than in the moment of excessive good fortune. - Lew Wallace ): If you don't have time to do it right you must have time to do it over. - Anonymous ): I belong to no organized political party --I am a Democrat. - Will Rogers An atheist is a guy who watches a Notre Dame-SMU football game and doesn't care who wins. - Dwight D. Eisenhower Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult. - Edmund Gwenn, last word Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she has laid an asteroid. - Mark Twain The main ingredient of stardom is the rest of the team. - John Wooden Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. - Fletcher Knebel I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home. - Robert Orben Don't try to make children grow up to be like you, or they may do it. - Russell Baker Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. - Groucho Marx Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I have tested it. - Mark Twain Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain Know thyself? If I knew myself, I'd run away. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe I am a friend of the workingman, I would rather be his friend than be one. - Clarence Darrow Almost every man wastes part of his life attempting to display qualities which he does not possess. - Samuel Johnson Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy. - Spike Milligan If you drink like a fish, don't drive. Swim. - Joe E. Lewis I never loved another person the way I loved myself. - Mae West By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. - Mark Twain Everyone likes flattery, and when it comes to royalty, you should lay it on with a trowel. - Benjamin Disraeli Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house. - Jean Kerr On an occaision of this kind it becomes more than a moral duty to speak one's mind. It becomes a pleasure. - Oscar Wilde, from The Importance of Being Earnest To be in love is merely to be in a state of perpetual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess. - H.L. Mencken A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five. - Groucho Marx A conclusion is the place where you got tired thinking. - Martin H. Fischer The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post. - George Bernard Shaw Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. - Mark Twain When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. - Clarence Darrow To die for an idea is to place a pretty high price on conjectures. - Anatole France, from The Revolt of the Angels The books that everybody admires are those nobody reads. - Anatole France Ugliness is in a way superior to beauty because it lasts. - Serge Gainsbourg, French vocalist Never vote for the best candidate, vote for the one who will do the least harm. - Frank Dane I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight. - Mark Twain Ah! Don't say that you agree with me. When People agree with me I always feel that I must be wrong. - Oscar Wilde A conservative is a man who wants the rules changed so no one can make a pile the way he did. - Gregory Nunn Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny. - Kin Hubbard Perfume: any smell that is used to drown a worse one. - Elbert Hubbard Moral indignation is, in most cases, 2% moral, 48% indignation, and 50% envy. - Vittorio de Sica Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. - W. C. Fields Children are a great comfort in your old age --and they help you reach it faster, too. - Lionel Kauffman Love is the gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everyone else. - George Bernard Shaw Someday I hope to write a book where the royalties will pay for the copies I give away. - Clarence Darrow "Be Yourself" is about the worst advice you can give to people. - Mark Twain No opera plot can be sensible, for in sensible situations people do not sing. - W H Auden The only true love is love at first sight; second sight dispels it. - Israel Zangwill In America, anyone can become president. That's one of the risks you take. - Adlai Stevenson With sixty staring me in the face, I have developed inflammation of the sentence structure and definite hardening of the paragraphs. - James Thurber Research is an organized method for keeping you reasonably dissatisfied with what you have. - Charles Kettering Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing whatsoever to do with it. - W. Somerset Maugham, author No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. - H.L. Mencken, philosopher Laws are like sausages. It is better not to see them being made. - Otto von Bismarck If a man writes a book, let him set down only what he knows. I have guesses enough of my own. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds. - Will Rogers If you don't advertise yourself you will be advertised by your loving enemies. - Elbert Hubbard Don't give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening. - Oscar Wilde Men are what their mothers made them. - Ralph Waldo Emerson The tendency of an event to occur varies inversely with one's preparation for it. - David Searles Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it. - Don Marquis Old men are fond of giving advice to console themselves for being no longer in a position to give bad examples. - Francois de la Rouchefoucald All major weaknesses have been exposed, analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. - Bruce Leverett A pessimist is one who has been intimately acquainted with an optimist. - Elbert Hubbard The covers of this book are too far apart. - Ambrose Bierce If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a man and a dog. - Mark Twain Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat. - Jim Davis (Garfield the Cat) I have never seen pessimism in a Company prospectus. - Sir William Connor (Cassandra) When you're as great as I am, it's hard to be humble. - Muhammad Ali A careful driver is one who honks his horn when he goes through a red light. - Henry Morgan I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. - Lilly Tomlin, actress, author and commedian Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it. - Anonymous The more I see of man . . . the more I like dogs. - Madam de Stael People do not deserve good writing, they are so pleased with bad. - Ralph Waldo Emerson Give us the luxuries of life and we will dispense with the necessities. - Oliver Wendell Holmes The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between ligthning and the lightning bug. - Mark Twain