Men Vs. Women

Everybody on earth dies and arrived at pearly gates. St. Peter comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go to some distance from where they can’t see or hear their men."

With that said and done, the next time St. Peter looked, the women are gone and there are two lines.

The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

St. Peter got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. God created you in His image and you were all whipped by your women. You and your mates should be punished.

Look at the only one, learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

Religious

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol. Where upon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk tells , "No, I haven't found Jesus".

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again,! "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Animal Vs. Man

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little bastard on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."

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A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back  into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned  it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn  me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you and do *Anything* you  want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it  back into his pocket.

Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful  Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do *Anything* you  want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The boy said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time  for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."