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Buffy began her trek back to the Magic Box. The Plot Contrivance demon had been pretty useless. Turns out he was more concerned with finding contrived ways to get pizza delivered to his nest than anything else. Stupid demon.
Now how was she supposed to figure out how to defeat Amilaki before her bad fiction devices overran the world?
Buffy’s path took her path an old church. An old church in which something was moving.
“That’s not suspicious at all,” Buffy said to no one in particular.
She crept up to the church. Quietly and cautiously she stepped through the open door. A quick sweep of the place wasn’t going to be sufficient. It was dark and there were way too many shadows.
“Buffy.”
Buffy whirled around to find Spike sitting in the corner, holding a book and eating fried chicken, collard greens and what looked like –
“Spike, what the hell are you doing? Are those chitlins?”
“Oh, so sorry. Where are my manners? Cornbread?” he said as he offered her a small yellow muffin.
“No! Spike!” Buffy yelled as she kicked the cornbread out of his hand. “Those go straight to my hips! How dare you!” She threw Spike across the church, breaking a few pews. She smiled to herself, happy to have met her daily quota for senseless destruction. She had hoped it would involve much rolling around with Spike on the floor of his crypt and lots of primal grunting, but this would do.
“Ow! That bloody hurt! This thing is just useless. I can’t tell if it’s working. They didn’t give me any instructions just sent me on my merry way with this bleedin’ manual that doesn’t even have a troubleshooting guide,” Spike said as he held his book up for Buffy’s inspection.
Chicken Soup for the Undead…Buffy didn’t catch the rest of it, and frankly she had other things to worry about than trying to figure out what was on Spike’s summer reading list. Like trying to get into Spike’s pants.
“You wanna tell me what’s going on? Spike, what are you talking about? I’m listening now, but I gotta tell you, you’re starting to bore the hell out of me,” Buffy said as she stood over her sexpot and glared down at him.
Spike stood and pulled on a sequin-studded jacket.
“I went to go get my flash. They made me all flashy, and then just left me on my own,” Spike said as he moved towards the far end of the church.
“What? What flash? Why did you want to be flashy?” Buffy asked, confused.
“Why? I’ll tell you why.”
Suddenly bright red and blue lights shone down on Spike, and a microphone appeared out of nowhere. He spun around to face her and grabbed the mike, his hair suddenly styled in what could only be described as a jerry curl.
“Because you make me feel
You make me feel
You make me feel like an actual human,” Spike sang to Buffy.
Buffy stared at Spike, incredulous.
Spike continued, “And now I’ve got the flash, the sparkle and the bang, and baby, let me tell you—
I feel good.
I knew that I would now.
I feeeel good.
I knew that I would now.
So good, so good, cause I got you.
WHOAAAH”
Buffy watched as Spike started doing the Electric Slide, and she suddenly knew what had happened.
“Spike. You got soul!”
“Right on baby! WHOAAAH”
Giles stood up and brushed his trousers clean of Dawn’s hair, hoping her condition wasn’t contagious. He thanked Doc for coming and showed him out of the store. Time to see if Willow had made any headway.
“Willow,” Giles called out.
“Giles, I don’t think we can get any more from her. I asked her what she saw, and she drew me a picture, but then she set it on fire. And then she set herself on fire. I put it out, mostly, but then she ran away from me and decided to jump into the fish tank.”
“Willow, we don’t have a fish tank.”
“Well I tried to tell her that but she didn’t want to hear it,” Willow replied, glancing at Drusilla who was swimming back and forth on the display case, hair still smoldering.
“Well, do you remember what she drew? Is anything left of the paper? Maybe we can try to extrapolate what she saw in her vision.”
“Well the paper’s pretty much gone, but from what I saw of it, I think this demon is at the Bronze.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because Drusilla drew a picture of the Bronze. Inside of a puppy. Without it’s head. Giles, it was disturbing.”
“Right, then. We need to find Buffy. Why don’t you and Tara go look for her? Anya can stay here with Dawn. I can meet you at the Bronze after I pick up a few weapons from home.”
“What about Xander?”
“Xander? Is he here?” Giles asked while looking around the shop.
“Well, no, but he shouldn’t be left out. He is, after all, one of the core Scoobies. besides. He’s so large now that he’d be perfect to hide behind.”
“Well if you run across him, feel free to inform him of our plan. But finding Xander is currently the least of our worries.”
Xander was pacing back and forth in the alley next to the Magic Box. He had to find some way of stopping Buffy from ruining what had been the best night of his life. He remembered Spike’s cold hard body next to his, feeling Spike’s complete lack of heartbeat. He would find a way.
He heard a bell tinkle. Someone had come out of the Magic Box. He walked towards the street.
“Willow! Tara! What’s up?”
“Hey, Xander. We’re looking for Buffy. Have you seen her lately?” Willow asked, a worried look on her face.
“The last time I saw her she was at Spike’s crypt, looking for more demons to pummel.”
“Well, we think the big demon is at the Bronze. If you find Buffy, could you tell her that? Giles is going to meet us there,” Willow said.
“Right. Bronze.”
Willow and Tara walked towards Spike’s cemetery.
Xander waited until they were out of sight before he started to run.
Buffy made her way back to the Magic Box. She had to talk to Giles. She had to put a stop to this madness. She wasn’t sure how much more she could take.
“Buffy! Buffy! Buffy, stop!”
Buffy turned around to see Willow and Tara floating towards her. What was with all the floating these girls did? Don’t they know how to walk? It kind of creeped Buffy out, not that there’s anything wrong with floating. Buffy just didn’t need to see it.
“Will, what’s up?” Buffy asked in her most nonchalant-I-have-no-problems-with-your-choice-to-float way.
“Amilaki. We think she’s at the Bronze. Giles is gonna meet you there. Go ahead. Tara and I have some books to get from home.”
“Like the Mumermford Report?” Buffy asked with a cocked eyebrow.
“Yeah, something like that,” Willow replied sheepishly. “We’ll catch up.”
Buffy watched the witches float away before turning back to the church. She needed Spike for this. Soul or no soul, he was still the best fighter she had, amongst other things. She wanted him by her side.
Xander made it about two blocks before he had to stop, falling to his hands and knees, gasping for air and trying not to throw up. It was a good thing the Magic Box was close to the Bronze or he’d never make it at this rate. It was also good that no one ever seemed to remember their cars, cause otherwise he’d get laughed at by the rest of them for trying something as foolhardy as trying to run anywhere.
When he managed to scale down his wheezing to a brisk pant with an occasional heave, Xander started walking towards the Bronze again. He got there just in time to see Spike and Buffy enter. Good. There was still time.
Buffy stepped inside the Bronze and immediately stopped.
“Oh my. This, I didn’t expect.”
The Bronze was full of people, all prostrating themselves at the base of the stage, where a huge hole in the fabric of time and space lay gaping, the edges crackling with energy. Through the rip in reality, Buffy saw the demon Amilaki, surrounded by what looked like a large computer—-from hell.
“All hail Amilaki. Give us more. All hail Amilaki. The rest are but mere bugs, to be squished before your talent and grace. All hail Amilaki. Best of them all,” the people droned.
“Wonderful. Chanters. Why does chanting have to be so monotonous?” Buffy said as she unsheathed a sword.
“Buffy, this isn’t the time,” Spike said, zipping up his pants.
“Oh, fine. Gimme something I can kill her with,” Buffy said, turning to face Amilaki.
“YOU!” Amilaki had noticed Buffy. “Stop them!”
Amilaki pushed a few buttons and a swarm of demons came after Buffy and Spike.
Buffy started kicking and flailing, keeping the demons at bay. She grabbed a pool stick and started stabbing at them.
“Spike! Help me!”
“Sorry, love, but I’ve got my hands full over here,” Spike responded, kicking away a Cheap Characterization Ploy demon.
Xander ran in. Spike was in trouble. He had to help.
Xander started throwing demons away from Spike, in every direction. He had to save his sexy British love muffin.
“Spike, are you okay?” Xander asked, concerned.
"Well bloomin' begorrah and blimey bugger bediddle, yeh'll nevah get yer 'ands on me Lucky Charms!" Spike crowed at the demons as he danced around the room in his green velvet jumpsuit.
Xander stared at the suddenly green vampire. “Spike? Are you okay?”
“Yo, word, me and my dawgs are gunna go down wit da bling-bling and da smacksssss...." At that moment, Spike tipped over under the weight of his fifty pimp chains.
Xander shook his head, confused. Where’d the green jumpsuit go?
“Spike? What the hell is wrong? Where’d your sexy British accent go? That whole ‘from the hood’ look just doesn’t work for you.”
"Ah have nevah been so insulted in mah life, ah do declare!" Spike pursed his lips and twirled his parasol before leaving the room in a swish of purple taffeta.
Xander whirled around, ready to chase after the confusing but sexy vampire. “Spike! Why does you keep changing your accent? The southern one doesn’t work any better than that hardass gansta’ one you tried just now.”
"What aboot this one, eh? Yoo think this one is okay, eh? Eh?" Spike was standing in the doorway dressed as a Canadian mountie, holding up a moose.
“Where’d you get the moose? Though I have no problems with the outfit. Wait a minute—“
Xander rushed at Spike, knocking him down. He turned him over and pulled the Really Bad Accent demon off of him, flinging it against the wall. Then he laid his head down on Spike’s back, panting from over-exertion.
Buffy tossed a Conveniently Oblivious Character demon away from her and turned to find Spike. Seeing Xander atop her mountain of love, she screamed.
“XANDER! Get off of him! He’s my vampire sextoy!”
Buffy grabbed Xander and threw him aside. At that moment, Giles, Willow and Tara arrived.
“Buffy, we did some research. There’s only one way to close the portal. You have to get a hold of Amilaki’s computer,” Willow said, not noticing the Plot Contrivance Demon in her back pocket.
Buffy turned, her resolution steeled. She ran up to the stage, jumped into the hole and grabbed the keyboard Amilaki was using.
“Buffy, NO!” Xander called out. He didn’t have much time. He ran over to Spike, and embraced him. “Whatever happens, I’ll never forget what we had!”
“Willow! What now?” Buffy asked as she jumped back through to her own reality.
“Press the delete key!” Willow said.
“What? Will, I can’t hear you! This crackling portal and the chanters are just too loud!” Buffy cried, staring helplessly at the keyboard in front of her.
“Deliver! Press Deliver,” came a voice from above that sounded a lot like Cordelia’s.
“Cordelia? Is that you?” Buffy asked, looking around.
“Never mind that, you nimwit. Press Deliver!” the voice answered.
Buffy quickly looked at the keyboard and pressed the button marked DEL.
Nothing happened. The portal was still open.
“It didn’t work!” Buffy cried out.
Suddenly the chanting stopped. One by one, the worshippers stood up.
“What—what happened? Where are we?” one of the worshippers asked.
“You don’t remember anything? ‘Amilaki, you’re so great’? Not ringing any bells?” Buffy said as she stared at the worshipper like he was crazy, which he probably was.
“Amilaki? That two-bit hack? I must have been brainwashed.”
“NOOOOOO!! You horrible girl! You’ve ruined me! RUINED!”
Buffy turned to see Amilaki flailing in pain.
“I’ll never forget! I’ll never forget! I’ll never forget!” Xander chanted as he held Spike close to him.
Amilaki shriveled up slowly and died with one final drawn out scream. The portal closed, and the demons disappeared. The room filled with a bright, blinding light.
The Scoobies found themselves in the Magic Box.
Buffy looked around.
“Everyone okay? Oh my God. Dawn! Her hair? Where’s Dawn? DAWN!”
“Coming!” Dawn came out of the bathroom, her hair long and shiny, as usual.
“I’m so glad we managed to kill that demon,” Buffy said. “It was making all kinds of crazy things happen.”
Xander smiled at Spike and gave him a quick kiss.
“I love a happy ending,” Xander said as he and Spike began to snuggle.
“Xander? Spike? Still? But we killed Amilaki!” Buffy cried out, as she saw her friend draped over her vampire.
“I told you what we had was real. Nyah, nyah,” Xander said, sticking out his tongue, which Spike promptly took as an invitation for tonsil hockey.
“But! Oh, hell. I have a vibrator, thanks to Willow. Tara’s a lucky girl. Willow really knows what a girl needs. Looks like we saved the world from a fate worse than death. We managed to avoid really bad cliché’s and plot lines. I say we order pizza and watch videos,” Buffy said with a smile on her face.
“Capital plan,” Giles said as he led the way out of the store.
Xander held his hand out to Spike, who took it. Hand in hand, they followed the group out.
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8