Spike Touched My Special Place (And I Liked It): Chapter 7

Buffy walked around the graveyard. She knew she had seen those Plot Contrivance demons around here somewhere, and she was determined to find them. She passed Spike’s crypt and decided to see if Xander had noticed anything.

“Xander? You still here?”

She stepped inside, ready to shield her eyes in case the carpenter still had his hammer out in the open. She looked around and realized that the crypt was empty, the handcuffs were still in the corner and, somehow, all the lube had disappeared.

She heard footsteps behind her. She quickly stepped inside the door and pressed herself against the wall, ready to attack if necessary, and listened.

“Dude, that was, like, totally awesome.” A male voice. A stoned male voice.

“Yeah, it was wicked cool.” Make that two stoned male voices.

“The way that huge dam broke and washed every car in the parking lot? It was like we had those little scrubby things from that commercial.”

“Giddy up 409! Excellent!”

“Totally cleaned everything in site. My dad thought I did it so he completely ignored the huge mess from when we made those special brownies and summoned the crazy crack pipe demon. I didn’t even know we had a dam in Sunnydale.”

Buffy thought as quickly as her blonde head could think. Random previously unheard of dam in a small one Starbucks town? A random flood that cleaned everything without causing any major damage? Stoners talking about it loudly in a graveyard, at night, in Sunnydale, just as she was wondering where all the lube had gone? She was obviously in the right place. There had to be a Plot Contrivance demon nearby.

Something scampered behind Spike’s television. Buffy quickly crept behind it and grabbed it by the tail.

“Gotcha!”

“Lemme go or I’ll give you some debilitating disease!”

“So you can do that? You wouldn’t happen to be a Plot Contrivance demon, would you?”

“What if I am?”

“Perfect.” Buffy dragged the demon to the corner, and snapped one side of the handcuffs on her own arm, and the other around the demon’s neck.

“Now, then, tell me everything I need to know about Amilaki, and maybe, just maybe I’ll let you go.”

Spike stood outside of the building, the flyer in his hand. It was time.

He opened the door and was greeted by a deep, gritty voice.

“Welcome to Souls R Us.”

Spike turned towards the voice and saw a figure with green glowing eyes in the shadows.

“You’ll have to pardon the ambiance. The electricity went out when the Yengodji demon touched the metal doorframe. What do you want?”

“Give me what I came for,” Spike said.

“What makes you think you deserve it?”

“Got me one already reserved.”

“Then you shall have what you asked for. Here is – your soul!”

The demon reached out and touched Spike on the chest. Light filled the room and Spike fell to his knees, threw his head back and yelled out.

“Bugger all! That stings!”

“Oops. Forgot I had this hand buzzer on. You demons come in and out of my store all day, all serious and ‘Give me back my soul!’ A lurking, glowy-eyed guy’s gotta have some kind of fun right? Ooh, the lights are on again. The services provided are covered under warranty for ninety days. We cannot be held responsible for any wear and tear your soul may have. Blah blah blah, have a nice day.”

Xander entered the Magic Box. He had to find out about alternate dimensions. All these memories were flying back into his head--Jonathon’s superstar spell, Buffy and Spike being engaged, that strangely sexy vampire version of Willow. He had to find a way to see whether his feelings were real or just part of some spell.

Xander looked around. Who would know this kind of information? Giles was busy trying to talk to Drusilla, who was writhing on the floor and screaming about how the stars were attacking her with knives and poppy seeds. Dawn, or at least he thought it was Dawn, was banging her paper bag covered head against the wall. Willow and Tara were floating over Darla and would every now and then burst into a snippet of song about being complete. Buffy and Spike were nowhere to be seen. That left only one person he could ask for help.

“Anya.”

“What do you want Mr. Stupid-leaving-a-girl-at-the-altar-because-you-couldn’t-deal-with-your-juvenile-fears-and-couldn’t-tell-me-about-this-a-few-months-before-our-wedding-day-or-even-the-day-you-proposed-to-me-when-I-told-you-that-you-were-only-doing-it-out-of-fear-but-you-wouldn’t-listen-to-me-because-you-have-a-penis-and-never-have-any-blood-going-to-your-head-and-therefore-your-brain-leaving-you-incapable-of-thinking-in-any-kind-of-logical-form-and-now-I-wish-you-were-a-thousand-little-Xander-pieces-floating-at-the-bottom-of-a-septic-tank?” Anya asked with a smile.

“I need to know about alternate dimensions.”

“Well, there are thousands of alternate dimensions. For instance, there could be a world without shrimp, or a world with only shrimp, or a world where shrimp rip guys who desert their fiancés at the alter into tiny pieces starting with their syphilis-ridden penises, or a world full of shrimp porn, also known as prawnography, or a world where shrimp dance the cha cha for fifty cents, or a world where men who crack stupid jokes get turned into shrimp and then boiled and eaten by trolls. Why do you ask?”

“Is there any way to find out whether the things you’re thinking are real and not just due to some mind bending alternate reality experience?”

“Only if you find some way to turn the alternate reality into the real reality. Feelings are reality based. That’s why I’m trying to find my way back to a reality where you never existed and didn’t stomp on my heart with your cleats of manly stupidity. Figuratively, speaking of course.”

“Oh god, I have to stop Buffy before it’s too late.”

Xander ran out of the Magic Box. He didn’t know what he was going to do. All he knew was that he couldn’t let the reality disappear if it meant his feeling for Spike would go with it. And he suddenly had a craving for shrimp.

Giles shook his head, took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. Drusilla was doing the cabbage patch on the table and singing about the rowboats winning the dress rehearsal. His head hurt. He heard the tinkling of the bell and looked to see who had entered. It was time.

“Willow, come here for a moment.”

Willow walked over, her face rosy from singing and doing spells with Tara and Darla.

“What’s up?” she asked in a chipper “I just sang and did spells” voice.

“I’ve been trying to elucidate whether Drusilla here has had any visions that would aid in our search for some way to close the dimensional distortion Amilaki has caused. But I haven’t been able to get very far and I currently have something else to deal with. Do you mind taking over for me?”

Willow glanced at the loony vampire, who’s running man was knocking all the books off of the table.

“I guess I can. But I don’t think I’ll get much further,” she replied with a look of distaste.

“Wonderful.” Giles walked over to the newcomer.

“Are you ready, then?”

“Yes, whenever you are. I brought the thing you asked,” said the newcomer.

Giles motioned for the newcomer to follow him as he walked over to Dawn.

“Dawn. I’m going to take the bag from off your head,” Giles said as he reached for the bag.

“But Buffy said—,” Dawn protested.

“Buffy couldn’t do what needed to be done. And sooner or later, that bag will be blown off of your head by some sudden gust of wind or you’ll forget to wear it and the bad hairdo will emerge. And the world will pay for Buffy’s mercy by having to look at that hair. Imagine how many eyes will be stricken blind or clawed out just to avoid having to look at that thing on your head. Buffy knows that and she still couldn’t do what was necessary. She’s a hero, you know, and for some reason incredibly sympathetic to everything you do or say, regardless of how whiny and annoying it may be, or how horrid you may look. She’s not like us.”

Giles pushed Dawn to the ground, pulled the bag off of her head and covered her mouth with his hand. He motioned to his friend to do what he came for.

Doc stepped forward, an electric shaver in his hand.

“Shallow cuts, shallow cuts. Let the hair go free,” Doc said as he shaved Dawn’s head.

Dawn tried to scream but her screams were muffled by Giles’ hand.

Doc finished and stood up, looking down on his work.

“Now this should be interesting,” he said as he pulled out a mirror to show Dawn his handiwork.

Not even Giles could stop the girl from screaming.

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