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Buffy and Xander both turned to stare at their bleached blond love god.
“Hey! That’s my coat!” Spike observed, as he yanked his coat away from Xander.
“Xander, what were you doing with Spike’s coat?” Buffy asked, confused.
“Well, it’s like…well see, um, it’s just I… aw hell. I’m in love with Spike,” Xander confessed.
“No, I’m in love with Spike. And the show is called Buffy the Vampire Layer, I mean Slayer, not Xander the Annoying Loser,” Buffy snarked.
“I am not annoying. I want Spike and I’m not going to let you stand in my way,” Xander said as he stepped in between Spike and Buffy.
“Uh, excuse me, don’t I get a say in any of this?” Spike asked.
“NO!” Buffy and Xander yelled simultaneously, but without breaking eye contact because they had entered phase one of any good cat fight—the stare down.
“Well, bollocks. Is this gonna take long? I haven’t had any kind of sex in a good fifteen minutes. I’m about ready to go hump a tree here,” Spike whined, only barely controlling his sexual urges.
“It shouldn’t take long for me to wipe the floor with him. I might even clean the walls and windows, dust the furniture and scrub the tub,” Buffy said in a singsong voice, obviously under the effects of a Badly Extended Metaphor demon.
“Try me Buffy. You think this extra padding is incidental? I wear the armor of Cheetos and potato chips. Every punch is deflected by my layers of blubber, and I’m much more difficult to throw around.”
“Sod it all. I’ll be in my crypt,” Spike said. He turned and walked back to his crypt, stopping to hump the occasional mailbox, tree and German shepherd.
Buffy and Xander started walking in circles around an invisible axis between them. It was time for phase two—the catcalls.
“What’s this all about, Xander? Couldn’t think of any better way to parade your hypocrisy?”
“Well Buffy, you always were my hero. I just figured I’d follow your game plan.”
“Bitch.”
“Whore.”
“Asshat.”
“Bitch.”
“Whore.”
“Asshat.”
“Bitch.”
“Whore.”
“I can’t believe you said that! Oh, that’s it. It’s going down,” Buffy yelled as she ran towards Xander. It was time for phase three. Slap fighting.
Xander and Buffy came at each other, arms pin wheeling, faces turned to the side, hands turned into claws as hair was pulled and skin was scratched. Xander got the upper hand when he grabbed Buffy’s jacket and pulled it down, incapacitating her left arm. She blocked is first attempt with her free arm, but was hit with the full force of the second slap, full across the face.
She felt the sting, fortunately not very painful because, well, it was Xander, and was shocked. She stared at her puffy faced friend.
“Xander, I love you. You know that right?”
“Of course I know Buffy. I love you too, even if you are a skanky vampire loving ho,” Xander said as the two of them hugged, without settling any of their problems or apologizing for any of the things said earlier, or pain inflicted during the catfight. This was a true Scooby moment.
A piercing scream shocked them out of their tender, empty moment.
It sounded like Dawn.
Dawn stared at the mirror, unable to process what she saw.
“It can’t be! How could this happen? Why must the world hate me so? No one will ever want to be around me now! I might as well kill myself tonight!”
Tara ran into the tiny bathroom at the back of the Magic Box.
“Dawn honey, it’ll be alright.”
“You heard what I said? That was personal! I can’t believe you were eavesdropping!”
“I didn’t mean. You don’t really mean anything you’re saying. It’s just the demons”
“What demons? There haven’t been any demons near me. Buffy had Anya put a protection spell on me.”
Tara blinked.
Dawn sighed. Everyone thought Dawn’s personality was being affected by some demon. It happened all the time. She was used to it.
“I just want to be alone right now.”
Tara had barely had time to process that information before Dawn screamed, “Get out, get out, GET OUT!” It happened all the time. Tara was used to it.
After Tara left, Dawn sat on the toilet. She couldn’t go outside looking like this. Her hair had lost all of its shine. It was as dull as Riley.
She stood up to look one more time, in case it was just a trick of lighting.
She looked in the mirror. And she screamed. And screamed. And screamed.
It was worse than she ever could have imagined.
She had Xander’s worst hairdo.
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