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Buffy pulled Spike into the alley next to the Magic Box and began groping him and taking off her clothes.
At first Spike couldn’t believe it was happening, but then he composed himself, leered, tilted his head and said, “I knew you’d come back to me, Slayer. They always do. Well, you always do at the very least, Goldilocks.”
“Well, Spike. I figure that if the apocalypse is coming, I might as well get laid. If it’s the end of the world, then screw what everyone else would think. Tell me you love me. Tell me you want me. Tell me you’ll buy me shoes.”
Spike’s expression softened. “I love you, I’ll always love you. And I always want you. And even though you have so many shoes that you never wear the same pair twice, I’ll always buy you shoes. Cor, I just can’t believe we get to have sex at least one more time. It’s a bloody brilliant way to meet the end of the world, if you ask me.”
As Spike began to go through the motions of removing his jacket, he suddenly remembered the harsh reality of its disappearance.
“Bloody hell! Forgot the sodding jacket disappeared. You know what kind of dreams I’ve been having Slayer?”
“No talking. Just kissing. And groping,” Buffy said, trying to shut him up.
Spike was too caught up in his thoughts to pay attention.
“I keep dreaming that I’m acting like a wanker,” Spike complained.
“You don’t say,” an obviously annoyed Buffy replied.
“Yeh. I do say. I have this recurring dream where I attack you, but not in the violent ‘Oh I’m gonna bite and kill you, Slayer’ way. In a desperate, loser, needs to be loved kind of way.”
“Spiiike! I wanna have sex!” Buffy pouted. “And I never wanted to have sex with you again. The world is about to end, this may be your last chance with me. Why do you have to keep going on and on about this?”
“Oh. Buffy, I want you so bad. I just hate that something out there is telling me that I can’t be a monster and I can’t be a man. I feel like a bloody Britney Spears song.”
Suddenly they heard something shuffling in the corner of the alley. Moving closer, they heard some snickering.
An Irony demon ran past them and out of the alley, calling back “Thanks for the suggestion!”
“Wonder what that was all about,” Buffy mused. “Oh who cares. Lets have sex.”
“Absolutely not!”
Buffy turned around to find that Spike had changed.
He wasn’t a monster. He wasn’t a man. He was a nun.
“NOOOOOO!” Buffy screamed. “God damn you Powers that Be! Can’t I ever be happy?”
“Please don’t take the Lord’s name in vain, young lady. And put some clothes on. It isn’t proper for a girl to be going around in so little, unless she’s a harlot.”
“Spike! What’s happened to you?” Buffy asked, a look of absolute defeat on her face.
“That’s Sister Spike, thank you very much, and I’ve answered the call of God,” Sister Spike replied looking to the heavens.
Buffy dropped to her knees and wept for her libido.
Xander walked up to the Magic Box and paused at the door. Had he just heard someone crying?
He cautiously approached the alley and was surprised to find Buffy crying on her knees and being comforted by a nun with a strangely familiar British accent.
“Buffy? Hey Buffster, what’s wrong? And when did you become all Catholic, Buffmeister? Is the world about to end or something Buff? Princess Buffy, queen of Buffalonia, why won’t you talk to me?”
Buffy relayed the previous scene to Xander through broken sobs and the occasional wail of “Oh God! Where am I ever going to find someone else who can go for FIVE WHOLE HOURS?”
Xander was dumbfounded. “An Irony demon? Are those hard to kill or something?”
“Kill?” Buffy looked up at Xander, a glimmer of hope in her eyes. “I never even thought about trying to kill it.” She stood up, brushing herself off. “I know what I’ll do now. I’ll kill the Irony demon. That’ll put things right. I’m so glad I thought of it. Soon it’ll just be me and Spike doing the horizontal hokey pokey.”
After Buffy ran off, Xander sat on a box that always seemed to be in the alley and pondered whether the garbage collectors of Sunnydale ever even looked in alleys for trash. He was startled out of his thoughts when a demon conked him on the head and ran off.
Looking at Spike, Xander began to soliloquize.
“I’ve just discovered that I’m in love with Spike, and I haven’t been able to come to terms with his being a manly, evil, soulless creature. Now I have the chance to be with him without worrying about any of that. Is there anything more pure and womanly than a nun? Look at her, on her knees praying to God, blissfully unaware of the evil that walks this very Earth. Her simple black frock is so becoming and kneeling in that ray of light shining down on her from the heavens she looks almost like an angel. A real one, not a souled-vampire who spends too much time brooding and making it with Buffy to be anything more than a nuisance. That kind of Angel was never worth the effort it took to try and pretend that I actually liked him, when I really hated him for being an evil, though souled, creature of the night. Look at those stray bleached blond hairs peek out of her wimple. Even as I stand here, knowing all I need to do is coax her into breaking her vows of celibacy, or at the very least get her good and trashed, for me to realize my dream of being with Spike without getting any male monster cooties, I know that this isn’t how I want it. This isn’t the way it needs to be, the way I need it to be. Right now I would give anything to have that sexy bag of sexy British sex standing in front of me, tilting his head, raising his eyebrows, thrusting his hips towards me invitingly, while smiling that evil but knee weakening smile of his. I forever renounce my anti-monster, heterosexual ways! I love Spike! Not this hollow, religious, womanly shell of Spike, but the randy, devious, and oh so sexual Spike of yore!”
The effects of the Soliloquy demon were just wearing off when another demon ran past, Buffy following close behind. She cornered the demon in the alley.
“Give me back MY SPIKE!” she cried as she pummeled the demon into the brick wall.
With a final swing, she knocked the Irony demon’s head off.
Xander watched as Buffy kicked the head around a bit, amused by her heroically violent ways.
“Bloody hell! Why am I on my knees with my hands together like I was praying to some sodding git of a God?”
Xander froze, a chill moving up his spine to his big fat head. Spike, his Spike, was back.
Note from the author:
I’m not going to update again until I get at least 20,000 reviews.
Or until tomorrow, whichever comes first.
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8