TITLE: Alternative Sunnydale
The sunlight fell through the open curtains and landed on Angel’s arm, causing him to bolt up, hide in the corner and beat his arm against the wall, stopping only when he realized he wasn’t on fire and he was bruising quite easily. He looked at his arm, perfectly unburned and realized his heart was beating.
Angel leapt up and started doing a gross imitation of the Macarena, resolving to find the rest of the gang and let them know he’d gotten his sanshu.
He suddenly discovered that he didn’t know where he was. This wasn’t the Hyperion, that was sure.
He walked to the closet and was shocked to find not a single iota of black. His heart broke. How was he supposed to brood without his head to toe black wardrobe? He pulled out the darkest thing he had, a hideous green suit with an electric blue shirt. He got dressed, feeling like a Miami Vice reject and walked into the bathroom to fix up his hair.
He stopped in front of the mirror in awe. It was the first time he’d seen himself in a really long time, and he was shocked to realize he was 5’4”, red haired and freckled.
“Oh my God!” he said with a British accent that was accompanied a sudden craving for tea and scones.
“Goddess, you’re supposed to say Goddess!”
Angel was too stunned at his appearance to care that there was no one else in the apartment with him. The last he remembered, he had been tall, dark and handsome, if a little pudgy. The dork he saw in the mirror didn’t look at all familiar, but he decided to make the best of it. He started searching the bathroom for his hair gel. Not finding it in the bathroom, he quickly tore the apartment apart. After looking through all the nooks and crannies, Angel dropped to his knees and started sobbing. No dark clothing was one thing, but this was too much. How would he live if he couldn’t obsess about how he spiked his hair?
He had to get help. He found his wallet and looked through it. According to his business card, he was a lawyer in Sunnydale, which explained why he still felt blood thirsty. He found a card for the Wicca Crate, and decided to go there. Maybe someone there could help.
Angle walked through the door of the Wicca Crate and felt relief wash over him at the sight of a familiar face.
“Buffy! Thank god”
“Goddess! Why don’t you people ever remember?” came the same voice.
“Who said that?” Angel said, whirling around to look for the speaker.
“Oh, that’s just Tara. We aren’t sure why, but she’s been haunting this place for a year or so now. All she ever does is correct people on the whole G-o-d-d-e-s-s thing.” Buffy said, smiling broadly. “So what brings you hear today, Angeliamus?”
Angel furrowed his brow and started shaking and breathing heavily to convey that he was confused and upset.
“Why’d you call me that?” he asked Buffy.
“Because that’s your name, you dork.” Buffy said, not taking any notice of his epileptic movements.
“Something strange is going on. Where’s Giles?” Angel asked.
“Giles? Oh, you mean Schmoopie Rupie? He’s over there.”
Buffy was pointing to a back corner of the magic shop where Giles was snuggling a deeply tanned Spike.
Angle ran over to Giles and pulled him aside.
“Giles, you have to help me. Something’s wrong. This world just doesn’t feel right.” Angel huffed with a constipated look that he hoped conveyed his pain.
“Yes, Angeliamus, I’m quite aware of that. I’ve been thinking we should call a meeting, but somehow all I can bring myself to do is have sex with Spike repeatedly, in many different positions.”
Giles then looked over at Spike and said “I love you my sexy bag of dead sexy British sex.”
“Oh Rupie” Spike mooned before attacking the British librarian.
Angel didn’t know what to do. He was just going through the motions, faking it somehow. He wasn’t even half the man he-
“Ow!” Zander cried out as Giles’ shoe hit him in the back of the head.
Angel was pulled from his thoughts and looked up to see Zander and Oz coming out of the back room.
“Oh no, are Shmoopie and Spike at it again?” Zander said, looking disgusted at the British pair, who were moving from position # 4 to position #5.
Buffy ran up to Oz, leaping into his arms and covering him with kisses.
“Oz! I’ve missed you! It’s been a whole six minutes since I last saw you!”
Angel couldn’t believe his eyes.
“You’re with the werewolf?”
“Well, yeah? I mean, there’s nothing wrong with that is there? Sure, it’s brought some kink into our sex life. I mean, there’s the chains and the muzzle. And besides, it’s only really bestiality three nights a month, right?”
Angel fell to the floor, writhing and shaking and breathing unevenly to make sure everyone understood that he was in severe shock.
When Willow arrived, Giles took a break between positions 10 and 11 to call a meeting.
“It appears that we’re in some alternative universe where Spike and Angel are human, and Spike is a bloody good lay. He’s so strong and handsome and he’s got beautiful cheekbones and that tight hot little body that I just want to absolutely devour.”
The group patiently waited as the Spike and Giles worked through positions 11, 12 and 13.
After Spike and Giles got off the table, Willow spoke up.
“I’ve had all kinds of crazy thoughts all morning. I thought I was going psycho. One minute all I could think of was lesbian gay love, then all I could think of was bedazzling, but not in a gay way, and then it was just thoughts of magic! Gay now magic! Am I gay? I don’t feel gay? Should I be gay? I have nothing against gay love…”
While Willow continued to ponder her gayness, the group moved on.
“What do we do to fix this, Giles?” Angel said, his whole face twitching.
“I don’t know if I want to fix it. I can’t think of living in a world where Spike’s not mine to love and cherish and cuddle and gush over. I might hate him in the real universe! How could I hate this sexy masculine sex machine?”
Angel paced as he waited for Giles and Spike to finish positions 14 though 21. As he walked around the shop, he found a glowing orb where no glowing orbs should ever be in a well and properly organized magic shop.
He took a chance and smashed it.
Angel woke up in his bed in the Hyperion. He vamped out quickly and then sighed a sigh of relief, and felt an overwhelming but not quite soul-losing sense of happiness.
He quickly drove to Sunnydale and found that everything was just as he remembered it. He’d escaped alternate universe hell.
“I wonder what that was all about.” Giles said after Angel had left. He started to clean his glasses again.
“Do you always do that when you think?” Buffy asked.
“Buffy, everyone knows I only clean my glasses when I can’t see Spike clearly enough to marvel at his sexiness. Silly girl.”
Buffy laughed at her stupidity and settled down with a box of popcorn to watch Spike and Giles work on their newest positions. She was glad everything was back to normal.
AUTHOR: nongenius
SUMMARY: Angel finds himself in an AU world and tries to get out. (parody)
RATED: PG-13
SPOILERS: Through the end of Angel Season 1
FEEDBACK: Email me or leave a review at fanfiction.net
ARCHIVE: More than likely okay, but please ask first
DISCLAIMER: I don’t own any of these characters, though I really wish I did. Unfortunately, for me, they all belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox.
NOTES: Inspired a long long time ago by the badfic thread at Television Without Pity. This was my first fic, thoroughly unbeta'd. So I'll appologize in advance.