Numb
~By: Portishead

Unable so lost,
I can't find my way,
Been searching, but I have never seen,
A turning, a turning from deceit.

?Cause the child roses like,
Try to reveal what I could feel,
I can't understand myself anymore,
?Cause I'm still feeling lonely,
Feeling so unholy.

?Cause the child roses like,
Try to reveal what I could feel,
And this loneliness,
It just won't leave me alone, oh no.

I'm fooling somebody,
A faithless path to roam,
Deceiving to breath this secretly,
A silence, this silence I can't bear.

?Cause a child roses light,
Try to reveal what I could feel,
And this loneliness,
It just won't leave me alone, oh no,
And this loneliness,
It just won't leave me alone.

A lady of war,
A lady of war.

Feeling roomy
I just bought some curtains for my bedroom yesterday, really nice ones. $12 each. The thing is that they are actually supposed to be for the shower. But I figured being alittle creative couldn't hurt. They look nice. The gold sheer adds a bright feel to my room when I wake in the morning. I hung my canopy over the old chair that is beside my bed. I am holding it up with duct tape. Still can't find a thing that stuff isn't good for. : )

Still have yet to frame that huge Lancelot and Guinvere painting that is hanging above my bed. Soon. I am supposed to be saving my money to go to New Zealand. LOL! Good job I am doing at that! Spent $54 bucks today! Oh well. Theres always tommorow.

Well, I must be off. Farewell.

Headaches
So nothing special has happened. I guess you could count the two times I saw Lord of the Rings was pretty noteworthy. Except I saw the second time all by my lonesome. A three 1/2 long movie all by yourself is so sucky. Especially when you've already been feeling like crap someone just stepped in, have to sit in between two couples and wear a smile on your face like nothing was wrong at all. I've been getting these headaches everyday recently. Nothing gets rid of them except sleep. By morning (or whenever I do awake) they are right there waiting for me though. I told my friends this new website was darker than my old one. I am unsure whether I want to give them the URL to it. I know everyone wants me to be happy but I can't keep pretending everything is fine with me when I feel in my heart like crying. I don't think they understand that I DO want to be happy but that I just can't. They're all really upbeat people, that like to have good times and don't let whats wrong in their lives bother them all too much. But I live with these problems constantly. I can't get rid of them; they torture my mind like a movie reel running itself to the bone. I admit when things get really bad, I ask God if I can just let go. I know his answer of course without ever needing to hear it. 'No, it'll be alright. Just hang on.' Truth is, hang on to what? I've tried! Everything I love just slips past my reach! I drown myself in movies that I watch night by night, do the same things everyday, just so I don't have to notice the days that are passing. No one cares that I feel like I'm dying. No one cares that this smile is fake. No one cares because I've stopped caring. These headaches will never go away...

clothing optional
Sometimes I don't know why I just don't kill myself and end it all at once. I really just do not know. But here I am, still breathing, still sucking up the venom spit at me by those whom I despise.
I gave myself a black eye. I am that dumb. I fell on my bed post in a drowsy drift towards my cat who was about five feet out of my grasp.
My co-worker Carissa treats me like garbage and I still take it, still try and be the bigger person.
I am sick with the flu/cold/depression.....whatever. I could make a little pool of snot for seamonkeys. (Which reminds me that I intended on buying some to just see if there is one pet I do have the power to keep alive.)
I finally recieved an email from this guy I like who still appears to not have any of the same affections for me. Le' sigh.
I got a new poster for my bedroom. It is of Lancelot and Gwenivere. Gwen's handmaidens are assisting her with attaching the crown to her head as Lancelot stares off in the corner merrily. The picture has no story to it, that I know. Nevertheless, I will make one up.
Oh and bye. I'm too tired to talk to you anymore. Now go away before I have to bite you.

welcome to my blog
I am glad I have decided to finally remake a website closer to the person I really am. My old website was full of who I used to be. Alot has changed in a year. I am darker. I am unknown to even myself. Perhaps writing in here, I may discover some of who I am again. I lost myself and all that used to shine brightly in my world. Where did it go? I don't recall where. All I know is-I must find it. Find it before it is too late.