THINGS CHANGE

As the wind blows so strong

I’m wondering if I’m wrong

As the rain pours down

I’m wondering if I’m a clown

As the snow freezes over

I’m sill looking for a clover

As the sun shines real bright

I’m still wondering if I’m right

As the flowers grow up real tall

I’m still waiting for my call

Feelings can change as seasons do

But I can’t let that make me feel blue

It’s not only time that you take

It’s not only pain that you make

It’s my soul that ends up lost

And that is way too much a lost

Written 1992

Try as we must - it will never be done,

Sometimes spicy most of the time bland,

At times you are so happy

And you think you have won,

Then it all crashes

And you want to leave this land.

Happiness is so hard to find,

And sadness seems to come on its own,

Is every ones life in such a bind?

Or is it just the way my feelings have grown,

Why can’t I always be happy and kind?

Why do all the wrong people die?

I feel so sad and so alone,

A knot around my neck I want to tie,

I wish a dog would eat me like a bone,

Try as I might - I can no longer lie.

I feel like everything is just hopeless,

I’m so tired of fighting and trying,

Why does there have to be so much stress,

How much longer do I have to keep crying?

Unless I must I don’t even bother to dress.

Worrying makes me so very tired,

But I just don’t know how to stop,

If life was a job I would have long ago been fired,

I wish I had some money but too much did I shop,

Lord please take me - I’m just so tired.

I had chances to go but I blew it,

A foolproof way is what .1 need,

As a human I am not fit,

I could get out of this mood if only I had weed,

Instead sad and hopeless I just sit.

I don’t want to be here when one of my kids hurt,

I just don’t want to feel that kind of pain,

I never want to see someone I love go to the dirt,

I can’t fix this life - there’s so little to gain,

Please let me go - I’m so tired and so burnt.

Written 1993

HIGH

Being high is a state of mind

That makes me happy and kind

Go go go is what meth is for

Gives lots of energy enough to store

Acid makes my brain fry fry fry

When really I just want to fly fly fly

Getting loaded and drunk makes me have fun

But it steals my ability to think and to run

Why are so many fun things bad?

Why does life seem so unfair and sad?

Just say no and stay clean

You cannot miss what you haven’t tasted

And then you won’t spend part of your life wasted

Written 1987

Once I stood about to stab my heart

I didn’t want an end - just a new start

So I lined up the blade and closed my eyes

I wondered if the sin of suicide really applies

I’ve tried for twenty-five years to find peace

Only to feel empty - stripped of my fleece

I had my vision of the lady in white

She was standing on a bridge ready to take flight

I realized just then that the lady was I

I watched myself jump - I sure didn’t fly

I waited to watch what would happen to me

Myself as I stood then was all I could see

Then I understood - it was all really clear

I wouldn’t get a new life - it wouldn’t be near

I got this life because I failed the last

And I was about to do it again - just as fast

Written 1987

The day is so hot and clammy,

But it looks so wondrous to the eye.

Watching the cat climb the shammy,

And there’s not a cloud in the whole sky.

Watching the leaves blow from a breeze,

And all the games the children play,

Can I play with them please?

Never mind I know what you’ll say.

I MUST PLAY ALONE!!!!

Written 1979

I wonder if they ever would,

Try to find me.

I wonder if they even could,

Ever find the hidden key.

From others I try to hide,

Will they ever see?

Will they ever see my side?

Or will they just let me be.

Would they think that I have lied?

It really didn’t happen that way.

If they could see what’s inside my mind,

What would they think of to say?

Would they try to get me out of my bind?

Or would they send me to live by the bay.

In one of those prism like homes,

Where they put everyone who is crazy.

Where they regulate everything even the phones,

And everyone learns to be lazy.

I know I couldn’t even stand it there,

Where choices I’d never get to make.

All the rooms are so very empty and bare,

And everyone seems so very fake.

I’ve lived all of my long years,

Outside of those special places.

Always dealing with all my fears,

While my life is always shifting paces.

I do not want to be sent away,

It would be better just to be dead.

Then to be sent away to the place by the bay,

And get strapped to my bed.

So I just can let them see how crazy I am,

It is not lying - just pretending.

Even if my life feels like a sham,

Like it’s always almost ending.

It’s better than causing my family shame,

So I’ll let them think I’m okay.

And not let them see that my mind is very lame,

That’s my only excuse - what more can I say

Written 1996

I once had a dear sisterly-type friend,

  Who I thought I’d know until the end.

Over the years we have parted,

  I guess our own lives we have started.

She and I had so many plans,

  We were going to be famous and have lots of fans.

We used to lie there at night,

  Trying to use our foresight.

We used to think we’d always be together,

  Little did we know always isn’t forever.

I still think of her lots of days,

  She’s still in my dreams in lots of ways.

I still miss her all the time,

  I still think our parting was fault of mine.

Maybe I’ll see her again someday,

  Then she can hear what I have to say.

She is still so important to me,

  Maybe I’ll be able to make her see.

I know we’ll never say goodbye,

  Since we both share the same sky.

I wonder if she thinks about me still,

Maybe she waits for me also – at her window sill.

Written 1995

  Dedicated to my friend Lisa Lawrence Beegle whom I haven’t seen in many years.

I’ve been here for twenty-five years

Still nothing has really changed its all quite deranged

With all the same fears

Mow can I control this feeling

When places are always trading

Always getting different grading

There will never be any healing

What should I do is there a solution

Or should I just wait

Even if that is what I most hate

Will I ever see my evolution?

Twenty-five years is a very long time

What does time justify

Can you please classify?

Am I at my prime?

Why have I been forgotten?

Why is it me they wish to harm?

How come I can’t learn to charm?

When I’m not spoiled rotten

When I am gone and deceased

Will, they ever remember

That I was really a good member

Or maybe they won’t care in the least

When I am gone will they write my story?

So everybody will know

All my feelings I couldn’t show

Will it be my final glory?

Written 1996

Why hunt for an activity

Only eat meat born in captivity

Don’t mess with the lions, tigers, and bears

All wild animals should be without fears

Murder just can’t be an appropriate pastime

It is wrong - so stop - make it a crime

There are animals we breed just to eat

So why mess with wild animal meat

We really have to let nature be

Or later there won’t be much to see

Maybe nature can heal the damage done

There’s nothing to lose - and lots can be won

Written 1996

Can you tell me where my life has went

And how come letters to me were never sent

I spent lots of time mourning real silent

But the hurt is still caused - no way to prevent

Life isn’t easy - it just goes way too slow

I wish it was time for me to go

But it isn’t — I haven’t finished my task

So I have to keep wearing the “happy” mask

Please tell me when its time to remove it

‘Cause its too tight - it just doesn’t fit

Written 1997

When time stands still

The pain just grows

And so do feelings I wish I could kill.

How nice it would be not to feel pain

Only to find warmth and joy

Then there would be so much to gain.

Life is so full of shame

With a world so full of pain

It’s all so very lame.

Trying hard to believe in the Lord

For an excuse to be good

Sometimes wishing to be caught in a ford.

People even kids dying from not having food

Or getting shot just being on the street

Yet we still have to pretend life is good

.

Hoping not to be caught on the hill

Not always knowing where home is

When time stands still.

Written 1997

What’s with all these gangs?

All the colors - all the bangs

The war is between the bloods and the crips

But does anyone know - what is their trips

The world was already so full of hate

Does this really have to be our fate?

The blood is flowing in our streets

And it’s all because of all the little creeps

No one is safe - not even our babies

We just sit around - running out of maybes

What was done to destroy our youth this time?

Was it revenge that chased them over the line?

You blame them for being so bad and so wrong

But did you ever tell them they had to get along

We could save them if we all try

Instead of waiting for our turn to cry

Maybe if we teach them to love and be kind

It will be all of our clocks we will wind

Written 1997

It’s another lonely night,

Without my love in sight.

My machine just keeps getting hot,

While I’m lying on my cot.

Listening to songs that make me sad,

Trying to think about why I went bad.

Needing him I very much love,

But he is there far above.

It’s another lonely night

Wondering if it will ever be alright.

Wondering if I ever could,

Even though I know I should.

Hang on to the love someone gave,

So my heart I can save.

It’s another lonely night,

But I will make it if I think I might.

Written 2002

Just when you think friendship is impossible

You find it is really quite plausible

And when you think it’s at its best

You find it’s only a test

When you think you’re the only one sane

And you find out its all just a game

When you think you found someone true

They only seem to make you feel blue

And when you’re in so much pain

That’s too strong even for cocaine

You stop looking for love

And then you find a dove

The feeling called lust

Is the only one you can trust?

Someone comes along and makes you feel good

Does everything like he should

He does everything oh so right

He even stays all though the night

Friendship should always be the first

For empty love only makes you thirst

Love cannot be started by baking

It begins first with love making

Written 1999