Lost Voyage Induces Loss of Vision
While America prepares for war against the bitter oppressive country of Iran or Turkey or where ever, all us common folk are still engaged in our own war over tyranny. This war has been raging on for centuries now, not against Arabian children with machine guns or suicide bombers or even cyborgs. This is a war each one of us fights when we enter into the battle-torn wasteland that is our local Blockbuster in an attempt to find a decent movie.
I recently left such an awful metaphorical battlefield as this, carrying a recently rented DVD under my right arm. The DVD in question was none other than Lost Voyage directed by Satan-spawn Christian McIntire. Now then, I'm not going to say that this was a bad movie. I'm just going to say that I would rather have my eyes gouged out by a spoon-wielding zombie Hitler than to ever see it again. I also must say that if I find any of you ever renting this movie, I will personally come over to your house and impale your knee caps with my icepick.
This movie is about a ship called the S.S. Queen O' Donnel or something that went into the Bermuda Triangle and then came back 25 years later. Of course there's a news reporter who narrowly avoids getting sued for so obviously copying the Gale Weathers character from the Scream movies, a geeky loner with scraggly hair, a militant jerk, and a bunch of mean dorks who you know are going to die sooner or later.
While the cast may be lacking, the special effects make up for it. I think the special effects guy (that's right. All the movie's special effects were done by one man) was going for a nostalgic feel to make the audience remember the good 'ol days of REALLY FREAKIN' TERRIBLE CGI! There are parts of the movie that reminds one of the early days of the Sega CD. Don't remember the Sega CD? That's probably all for the better, my friend.
I'm not going to go for a plot analysis here. Probably because there is no plot to begin with. The whole movie is such a blatant rip off of Event Horizon that it makes one wonder how the director could even get the rights to make this vomit inducing crapheap.
if you ever find yourself thinking about going to Blockbuster and renting
yourself a movie, why don't you do something useful and go sign up for the
Army? In the end, trying to defend your country is a much better way to
die than watching a movie such as this and trying to defend your retinas
from melting from the sheer incomprehendable filth that radiates from it.
-- The Microfetus