Born December 26, 1969
Left for heaven July 7, 1989
Beautiful son of Mary Lou and Carl Shields
of Beaverton, Oregon
Brother of Catherine Shields
THERE'S A HOLE IN METhere's a hole in me. You see, a part of me is missing. I keep looking for my son, and all I find are bits and pieces of him - something he wrote, a picture he took, a book he read, a tape he made, something he drew - but there is an emptiness in me that these bits and pieces cannot fill, that nothing will ever fill. I wander around, and sometimes without realizing I am doing it, I shake my head in disbelief, thinking it can't be true. But I know it is. My son is gone and he is not coming back. I will have to go to him and someday I will.
There's a hole in me and it hurts terribly, much worse than I ever imagined anything could hurt. I am angry - not at God or at my son for leaving me, as some have suggested. I am not angry at anyone or anything in particular. I am just angry. I want to scream and strike out at something. Sometimes I feel as if I am going to explode and I expect to see pieces of me flying in all directions.
I want to fill this hole in me so that everything that is left within me will not spill out. I want someone else who loved him to hug me when I cry and tell me it will be all right, even though I think it will never be.by Johnie Maxwell, TCF Lake Jackson, TX
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