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      Signs of a...
Netaholic


  • You find yourself staring for hours at your INBOX waiting for new e-mail to arrive.

  • You chat with people on other continents more often than you do with your own neighbors.

  • Your home page is advertised on a bumper sticker on your car ...as a link.

  • You promise yourself that you'll only stay online for another 15 minutes ...at least once every hour.

  • You only goal is to create the world's greatest web site.

  • You are obsessed with your page stats and the number of guest book entries.

  • You start using smileys in your snail mail.

  • You stay up late every night waiting for your wife and children to fall asleep so you can go online.

  • Everyone you know asks why your phone line is always busy ...and you're seriously considering getting a second phone line.

  • You get up before the sun rises to check your e-mail ...and you find yourself in the very same chair long after the sun has set.

  • You cancel your newspaper subscription.

  • You buy a pager so family and friends that really need to get through can beep you in case there's an emergency.

  • When someone asks you for your address you tell them your URL.

  • You sit down at the computer right after dinner and your spouse says "See you in the morning."

  • Your kids start referring to you as "that guy in front of the monitor".

  • You yell at your wife for using the phone for stupid things ...like talking.

  • You purchase a laptop so you can surf while sitting on the can.

  • You think more about being online than you do about sex ...and to heighten the sensation, you install a mirror over your PC.

  • You set up a web-cam as your home's security system.

  • You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two just so you can have the free Internet access.

  • You started college as a chemistry major ...and walk out four years later as an Internet provider.

  • You brag to all of your friends about your date Saturday night ...but you don't tell them it was in a chat room.

  • You spend Saturday night making the counter on your home page pass the 1000 mark.

  • At parties you introduce your spouse as your "Service Provider".

  • You e-mail your boss, informing him you'll be late.

  • Your divorce papers are served via e-mail ...and you never even knew that your spouse had left you.

  • You develop a liking for cold coffee and warm cola.

  • Your computer cost more than your car.

  • You go outside and look for a brightness knob to turn down the sun.

  • Your "significant other" erases every one of your bookmarks ...except the one to this page.

  • You and your friends get together regularly on IRC ...even though all of you live in the same city.

  • When told to "go to your room" you inform your parents that you can't because you were kicked out and banned.

  • You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.

  • You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

  • You finally do take that vacation ...but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.

  • You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop computer on your lap and your child in the overhead compartment.

  • Even your dog has its own home page.

  • You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're now halfway through Lycos.

  • It takes you two hours to check all 14 of your mailboxes.

  • Your wife asks for sex and you tell her where to find you on IRC.

  • You can't even call your mother ...because she doesn't have a modem!

  • You finally decide to give up smoking ...for the health of your computer.

  • You go outside for the fresh air and open the window first to hear new mail arrive.

  • Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

  • Your husband leaves you and takes the computer ...and you call him up crying, and beg him to bring the computer back.

  • You wait for a slow loading web page before going to the toilet.

  • You sprinkle Carpet Fresh on the rugs and put your vaccume cleaner in the hallway in case someone comes by, so it looks like you are attempting to do something about the mess that has amassed since you discovered the Internet.

  • You insist the car dealer install a bank of cigarette lighters in your new car to power your laptop.

  • Your only goals for the future are obtaining an ISDN connection and a 60 gig hard drive.

  • When people ask about the Presidential Election you ask "Which country?"

  • You are late picking up your kid from school and you explain to the teacher you were stuck in Web traffic.

  • You eagerly await the update of the "Cool Site of the Day."

  • You consider bandwidth to be more important than carats.

  • You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.

  • You check your e mail and it says "no new messages" ...So you check it again.

  • On Super Bowl Sunday, you followed the score by going to the Yahoo main page instead of turning on the TV.

  • Your phone bill comes to your door in a box.

  • You quickly hand over your wallet and car keys during a mugging ...then proceed to beat the crap out of the guy when he demands your laptop.

  • You don't know the real first names of any of your closest friends.

  • You regularly make fun of people with 28.8 modems.

  • Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.

  • You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

  • Your sex life has drastically improved... even if it's only cyber-sex!

  • You try to vote for foreign officials.

  • You move into a new house and you Netscape before you landscape.

  • You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html.

  • You actually try that 123.elm.street address.

  • Your virtual girlfriend leaves you for someone with a larger system.

  • You invent another personality so you can chat with yourself in empty chat rooms.

  • You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's busy working" ...and you don't even have a job.

  • You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.

  • You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 4.5 or higher."

  • Alta Vista asks you what sites are missing in their index files.

  • You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

  • You wonder how on earth your service provider can call 250 hours per month "unlimited."

  • Turning on your computer turns off your wife.

  • Your wife says communication is important in a marriage ...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

  • After your car crashes your first instinct is to hit the "back" button.

  • You read all of Netaholics and you still don't understand why they're funny.

  • The remote to the T.V. is missing ...and you don't care.

  • The last time you looked at the clock it was 11:30pm, and in what seems like only a few minutes later your sister runs past you to catch her 7am school bus.

  • Your hard drive crashes and you haven't logged on in two hours, so you dial your computers ISP access number and humm attempting to communicate with it. ...And you succeed.

  • E-mail Dependency Disorder (EDD) forces you to repeatedly send e-mail to yourself all day long
    ...anonymously

  • You lie, even to yourself, about how long you were online yesterday.

  • You do get that second phone line, but use it to call your secondary ISP.

  • You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

  • You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

  • You start introducing yourself as "Jim at A-O-L dot com."

  • Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.

  • You step out of your room and realize that your family has moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.

  • Your only friends all have an @ in their names.

  • You look at a page of someone else's links ...and you notice all of them are highlighted as already visited.


      And last but not least,
          you just  MIGHT  be a Netaholic if...

  • You never get a busy signal when logging on...

                 Because you never log off!






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