I’m trying to think of why I am writing this and it smells kind bad in hear and I dunno why I wrote that I feel confused by something maybe life and I don’t know ho to speak any foreign languages and I went to taco bell tonight and the one thing I hate about life is that you can’t change things by force ever… I always wanted to become something but that probably won’t happen.. Sometimes I think I am the best poet to evolve in quite some time but then other times I read other poetry and I’m fucked.. Cause theirs is so much truer then mine, I feel I hold some things back and well that is not right… I want to be completely un-inhibited in what ever I do and I never want to feel self conscious again… and maybe that’s why I write poetry and show so many people so I won’t have to explain who I am and I can be more comfortable in situations but then I think that’s bullshit because most of the time people don’t care and when they don’t care they usually say that’s great…. But whatever really.. because that doesn’t matter.. I’m just letting other people’s opinions affect me again.. I’m like a 6-year old playing blind mans bluff with god on a mountaintop… we’re completely pedistled from the rest of society and the children look up to the top where me and god play… kids who realize life is such a struggle wonder why those who don’t see the same as them and they don’t know how they can they live in such hate and kiss-ass idiocy it pisses them off… mostly those who don’t get are afraid of getting it and then suppress their bitterness from life and turn it out ward into aggression or maybe insults…. When people are bottling up their emotions it creates a volcano of fiery hate that will erupt eventually and force them to deal with at least a little bit of reality… I hate the way people think and they believe that if they don’t feel physically hurt then they mustn’t be hurt and when people who don’t get the picture become scorned by a bad situation they turn their backs on it sort of and walk away and nothing resolves and it’s so wrong for it to happen and they should accept reality… if everyone just would let their emotions be felt there would be a lot happier emotions to be had… I believe whole heartedly that if some one tells another person how they feel nothing bad can come from it unless the other person is a bottled anger…. If I was to tell a girl I loved her because she was innocent and sweet she could either be content with that statement and pass it off as something a friend would say or she could accept it and be WOWED and try to create a heaven in life’s hell…. Another thing that could happen would be for her to take it wrongly and turn away from you… because they won’t let their emotions be felt…. People hide what’s really important and that is being accepted completely and wholly for what they are and what they stand for…. Everyone loses sight of this… I am a victim as well.. I could just say to myself everyone sees me as something good, I would be such a better person but the one critic stands out more than the chearers of myself… the one bad seed ruins the crop of supporters … do not dwell on the critics remarks for his view is as flawed as yours… do not worry about the person who questions your ideas because his idea of what’s right is probably wrong too…and I feel some what annoyed… but then the jocks hate the people who give them dirty looks but since other jocks and preppies feel the eyes of their peers on them they feel mortified too and they just turn to chopping down others trees to build their own houses of protection and acceptance…. The stairs to see acceptance often turn sour when they see the eye who judges… and therefore that person feels obligated to protect his life style and look so he in turn finds acceptance by knocking some one else down… everyone judges but no one convicts…. To convict some one is to say, hey this is what I believe in and by fulfilling my personal belief, I am convicted and to do it time and time again is to further be convicted… judgment is something so wrong… the law that guides the judgment is often normalcy and if something is against the law of normalcy well then the judge convicts the outcast and sentences him to a loss of personal acceptance of themselves… it’s oh so wrong… because the jocks hate the punks the jocks remain in their “left-out” comfortableness and the punks are forced into further seclusion and well the two poles of this war get further apart but are caused by each other…. they remain at the same battle front but are dug in further and further in their own beliefs... (4 weeks later) Wow what a thought pattern, sometimes I make so much sense maybe I’ll write a book! I’d be a fucking millionaire if all you needed to be wealthy was common sense.. I’d be the wealthiest man alive in my mind… I am watching TV right now and oprah winfrey is on television and they’re talking about how they can sort between girl and boys before birth and people can basically custom order their kids… WOW HOW FUCKED IS THAT!!! Technology will eventually kill man…. There will be no massive war… well maybe a war but what I fear is that man will eventually become so caught up in making his life perfect.. all emotion will be lost.. what if everyone was perfect.. what then… weather we like it or not man is not perfect… who the fuck cares… doctors being paid $150,ooo a year do… so they invent these ways to make man perfect.. grafting arms on to stumps is wrong… what happens when the arm is cut off again.. Ahhh so sick it makes me… so how’s that… man is perfect.. reading a porn magazine… his mind is corrupt he goes rapes a chic… no utopia yet… erase the blackboard try again… fuck society and their way of making everyone feel left out… with so many feeling left out who is really in… what kind of logic is this.. magazines give us a false idea of whats's right.. but who is right.. the people telling us what is right dream up the best guy the best girl and then tell us what to look for when we go out on dates… and of course we never find them.. people are fucked literally and metaphorically and then what happens.. we go buy a magazine that says “didn’t work out? Try this” what the hell is this… America you spend to much to get no where in the end… more than money you spend morals.. you have no morals America.. you act cool, sacrificing real morals to loose self respect in the end… hanging in a group smoking pot not cause of the state of being but the state of politics… I smoke with friends to get hi.. no you smoke with friends to get by you fucker… don’t tell me you like it… if you liked it why do you feel so guilty… is friendship worth guilt.. is smoking pot worth the friends… it leaves you spending money to smoke with friends take out the pot and you’re just buying friends… America you piss me off.. there is no American dream.. it’s an American night mare… the formula is life liberty and the pursuit of happiness… there should have been parentheses after that saying so feel free to fuck whom ever you want on the way to the top.. sure there are people holding hands on their climb but most of the time it’s people playing king of the mountain.. well I got news for you big shot you’re on the mountain and it gets pretty lonely after the whore goes home or your wife leaves, you abusive fuck… And to all the kids in high school now, there is no need to humiliate others, trust me it doesn’t go unnoticed, a lot of people hate you, so stop this humiliation theory… you will never find happiness through insult, only hollow comfortableness that will fade… show you care, cause I know you can, I have no time for you…*** Ahhh a few days later.*** I dunno why I tell people what my problems are.. it makes me feel worse.. cause no on is physically there for me. I tell people my problems on this fucking computer.. they say.. awww.. I’m sorry… then whatever happens to the “I’m there for yah” shit… aww man.. people try but they never pan out from either self consciousness or selfishness… I need unselfish people in my life.. I need people who inspire me… not people who inhibit me… I need some one to listen to me… I think I need to start thinking of who I reallllly am and then go from there.. I am so fucking lost.. I need to drive some where… stay there a really long time and come out who I am.. I need to regenerate my mind my goals my life and my being… I am lost… my friends all seem to care for me.. but.. then I always feel like an outsider… there are two friends I have my computer and the idea of friends… only when I see them do they really care how I am … they don’t go home and say.. gee I wonder how Nate is… nah.. it’s more of.. oh hey Nate how are yah… and then blah blah.. see yah later… they mean well when I am around I don’t think they hate me, it’s just they never care to pick up the phone to do stuff unless I suggest it to them… I wonder what the hell is the point of life really if everyone is so worried about what they look like and not who they affect.. I guess that is the real question in life…. Why are we here??? and that leads to why can’t I be happy??? Maybe we should find the answer out of those two questions.. we are here to be happy… What really is happiness though? Happiness is more of an intangible indescribable icon… “to reach true happiness one should…………..” no answer.. and if you have it tell me…. I think happiness is being free to do what makes you happy…. And feeling no guilt from that… if you get there tell me how John Doe… and don’t try to be too selfish.. share the wealth of happiness with everyone… loneliness is I guess one of the worst feelings I’ve felt.. So don’t be lonely with your happinessI’ve known it all my life… I feel lonely as I type this page to no one… I feel lonely as I talk to my self… I feel lonely standing in the mirror trying to make my self pretty… I feel lonely… all the time….. I always think about life.. and as I do.. it seems to pass me by.. that is a famous quote.. that I just made up.. so remember it… now the other night I was at a party.. lets see how many girls I noticed.. Denise.. ex girlfriend… Melissa.. possibility but flirts so it’s hard to tell if she likes me or not… and there is Andrea newland who is some sort of angel but with a hidden agenda and there is andrea v who is an angel with a disposition on life… and then there are others who I notice but not more than notice…. It was at even mega’s graduation party.. me and paul showed up at 11 after preoccupying oruselves with 5 beers a joint (he smoked not I) and a fat stogie.. which I milked for a bit… trying to look cool but probably starting to be addicted… I think if nobody was really lonely then everyone would be happy… people need to have a lot of friends around them to be happy.. friends that don’t make you feel guilty for saying stuff.. friends that see what you mean… not just a phrase but they actually know what you mean… I showed erin all this one night and she said she felt she was writing some of what I was saying.. connections are great… especially when they help bring up topics that can make things better… lets all plant a tree of memories to help you and me let not hide abandoned and alone lets all just pick up a phone call home and tell them you’re not alone…. Being unselfish is very big things in life… don’t be selfish America.. you’ll find people will be as equally nice to you if you’re nice to them.. the golden rule is true… who knew.. not me and certainly not Hitler to the Jews… well then how profound I sound fuck this…. next topic… I always want to be where I am right now… I am completely at ease with myself.. sort of a no worries type personality.. I need to do stuff to accomplish goals so I can live a life that is not difficult for me to live in.. I need to set goals and keep them and I know if I don’t.. it’s my fault.. it’s you Nate.. it’s only you… go get some happiness… go be yourself… I love myself.. no one is even close to being like me…. Moment of inspiration after hours of hardship… take everything easy.. be yourself.. don’t let the small things piss you off… just be whatever you want… no one can hate you if you are who you are and if they realize hey.. he’s just being himself… (couple days later) I think to myself everyone is acting under a code of normalcy.. trying not to be different in a group because they don’t want to be laughed at… so the are under this secret code to be normal.. but let me see… what is normal… hmm, good question Nate.. nothing is normal… the word normal isn’t normal.. that statement alone isn’t normal… my point is what ever makes sense to you is normal… there is no code of normalcy America if you just be yourself.. then the code of normalcy is be yourself.. everyone would be so free.. it’d be like walking around nude and not giving a shit.. not hiding anything.. emotions would be as bare and understandable as a naked man walking down the street…. I am drinking coke and talking to some friends on-line and I am thinking to myself life must have some more direct point to it then just wandering around lost and alone all the time. The reason why we were put here can’t be to strut around headless like a chicken.. empty mind just flailing there.. I wonder what life is all about…. I can’t get passed this idea a friend gave me that there must be more to life… there really must be… because as of right now life is meaningless to me… I thought it was to be happy.. and I am sure that is part of it.. but at what cost to be happy. To just do stuff enough to get by and be happy or to work like a dog and be happy at the end either way it’s a struggle.. so I’ll look for another meaning in life… perhaps the meaning of life is love.. maybe if you feel love you’ll be happy… it make me wonder… everything is indirectly or directly linked to each other… just as the face that smiles at you in a crowd sticks out and makes you feel happy later when you remember it… love is linked to happiness which is linked to being happy in life.. which is perhaps the meaning of life… I watched a movie I think it was called city slickers and they had a rather profound bit about the meaning of life.. it’s one thing… and I got from that.. even at a young age that the meaning of life is the one thing you want in life.. it varies from everyone to everyone… one person can say.. I think life is about doing as much shit and being happy until you die.. tat could be good or bad cause you might develop a god complex and just like think you can do everything until you die or you could do so much shit that you become passive towards life and you say fuck it and kill yourself.. don’t burn out too fast.. let the candle burn slowly most of the time.. fast at given moments until it burns out quietly.. don’t burn all at once… take life in steps.. don’t jump and fall into cazms… take steps so you don’t loose your balance… make strides when you need to get to the finish line but don’t sprint cause you’ll probably trip and never finish… my mind is a huge metaphor completely unfolding until I discover it’s meaning.. so far I am stumped.. haha… I never thought I’d die alone… another 6 months and I’ll be alone… I can’t wait till I get home.. to pass the time in my room alone… thank god for music because at the one side of it I don’t even know them but at another side I completely relate to this strangers words and I can feel unity in music… everyone should dance to music in life.. not cursing the noise… god damn it.. look at me I’m a motivational speaker.. or maybe just a great thinker… or maybe an arrogant bastard.. who knows.. not me… The American dream has manufactured liberty and the pursuit of happiness… but since there is no liberty stopping this sick happiness no one is really happy… people are sick of liberty keeping rule but there must be order to have happiness or everyone dies… liberty should warden happiness not the other way around.. Lights are out and the American dream rules.. The closed eyes of Americans are fluttering back in their eye sockets… the technopoly society they live in has sent everyone into convulsions and seizures by the overload of what’s right and what’s wrong, snoozing all the while. The anti-Christ of media has polluted the wading pool of the human mind and now festering leaches called spokesmen swarm the pool with ideas of happiness, sex, cheap thrills, and what’s normal all the while trying to find the meaning which this techno dream has to offer… I’ve woken up from this American dream because I was frightened by what I saw… a surreal society functioning on impossibilities, manifesto-ing their dreams, and choking on the drool foaming on their pillow… much like a pillow to keep the head comfortable this pillow we all drool on is a feeling of comfortableness… no unlike a midnight raid on a peaceful camp there is a ominous tidal wave about to wash society down the drain of ages… Our time draws closer… we will have 2000 flushes blue until there is nothing left… The dream drags on and no one is waking up… visions of lump-sums and lotto dance in their heads… as their wallet thins and the welfare office rings to tell ignorant ears America won’t fit their bill anymore… These trailer park terrors could have been in the driver’s seat of capitalism but instead are choking in the trunk letting the driver take them where they want to go blindly… Educate your mind America and drive into your own destiny… no longer should you curse the steering of our leaders.. you should learn to drive yourself… DO not curse this driver if you expect him to drive you… change comes from hands on the wheel not back seat curse-outs Denise you made me cry for only 5 minutes after I left you… you were attached to me and you cried longer… I let go and you didn’t… every now and then you play with my hair and I think to maybe care but I don’t.. you never connected with me… or should I say I never connected with you.. only you connecting with me… you really killed me for one month.. it was horrible.. you were lovely as could be.. I was not mad at your physical presence.. but you were so passive to anything I’d say about my life.. well I’m glad you told me Nate was all you could say… it wasn’t enough.. you are what you are and it wasn’t enough.. I’m sorry, I want to cry right now but I won’t cause I did the right thing.. I just wish you were there for me… I needed so much help.. life was fucking me up the ass… and you were saying sorry… but nothing more…. Ahhh god why did you have to be so sweet… ahhh shit why did you never care more than just a sorry…. it's hard to look at some one you care about in the eye when there is something wrong… You make me cry Denise.. never touch my hair again.. never call me Hun again.. never say hey baby... never talk to me... but I know that won’t happen… this wound won’t heal.. I am left out you are left with another guy… you were attracted to me for god knows why… and I let you go… no one’s ever been attracted to me enough to go out with me… 5th grade doesn’t count… we were both so lost but yet.. I found a way to get out of my fear of our togetherness… it was more than together it was ahhhh… man… I wanted to throw up.. I didn’t… I let you go… love is a bitch.. I wish you knew what to do… I did.. I let you go… sorry.. it was right for me.. maybe wrong for you… it’s over.. I’m sorry… but not really I went for a run at 1:30 in the morning because I felt like it… this trip started off as a walk.. I walked about a mile down my winding road and I wound up by a girls house whom I kinda like.. upon finding she wasn’t coinsodently awake I decided to run… and I ran for about 2 or 3 miles by estimate… it made me feel quite alive and healthy.. I really felt great after that night… when I got home around 2:30 … it was like after years of drowning and panicking under water.. grasping and gasping for air I finally broke through this water and was on top of the water… it was alerting.. my senses were alert… I felt like a million smiles all at once smiling to the symphony of life… the violins of conversations the trumpets of information and technology and the percussion of reality all blaring in my ear to an amazing symphony of breathe and stimulus… I miss that time that night… I had cantaloupe and milk.. I felt a bit of greatness in me that night I haven’t felt ever… I want to recapture my greatness and have it be a constant… I don’t want to ever be told I can’t run…
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