Dirty Johnny's father walks into the bathroom and catches him jerking off.
He says, "Son, every time you do that you kill an innocent baby."
The next day his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again.
Johnny says, "Bow your head, Pop. Can't you see we're having a funeral?"
In little Johnny's class at school, there's this kid with no arms or legs called
Philip. One day after school, Johnny goes round his house and knocks on
the door.
Philip's mother answers the door, and says, "Yes Johnny, what can I do
for you?"
"Can Philip come out? - we're all skipping in the park"
Philip's mum says, "But Johnny, you know he's got no arms or legs."
"Yeah, I know," says little Johnny, "I just want to see his stumps bleed."
In little Johnny's class at school, there's this kid with no arms or legs called
Philip. Johnny knocks at the door of Philip's house and asks if Philip can
come out to play soldiers.
"Johnny, you know full well that Philip hasn't got any arms or legs" says his
mother.
"Yeah, I know that," says Johnny - "I was going to use him as a sandbag."
Little Johnny is excited because the circus has come to town and his mum
has got front row tickets for him. Finally the evening comes and Little
Johnny and his mum go off to the big top. Little Johnny sits there and
enjoys the lions and the tigers and the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and
finally out comes little Johnnys favourites, the clowns.
Johnny is loving the clowns and their humorous japes until one of the
clowns comes up to him and says 'Little boy are you the front end of an
ass?'
'No,' replies little Johnny.
'Are you the rear end of an ass?'
'No,' replies little Johnny again.
'In that case,' says the clown, 'you must be no end of an ass.'
Little Johnny is distraught and he runs out of the circus and all the way
home in tears. When his mum catches up with him she says, 'Little Johnny
don't worry, your Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and
repartee, is coming to stay tomorrow. We will take him to the circus and
he will sort that nasty clown out.' At this news little Johnny cheers up and
looks forward to the next night.
The next night comes and, sure enough, Uncle Marvo, the master of
lightning wit, backchat and repartee arrives and the three of them set off for
the circus. When they get there Little Johnny, his mum and Uncle Marvo,
the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, sit down and enjoy the
lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and then out come the
clowns.
Again Little Johnny is enjoying their antics and yet again one of the clowns
comes up to him and says, 'Little boy are you the front end of an ass?'
Quick as a flash, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and
repartee jumps up and shouts at the very top of his voice:
'Fuck off you Red nosed Cunt!'
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence
twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my
mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he
said.
"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fuckin' beautiful!'"
One day Johnny went to his father and asked him if he could buy him a
$200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have an $ 80,000 mortgage on the house
and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Xmas"
Xmas came around and Johnny asked again.
The father said, "Well the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that.
Ask me again some other time."
Well, about two days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with
all his belongings in a suitcase.
The father felt sorry for him and asked him why he was leaving. The boy
said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that
you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she
was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 Mortgage!"
One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and
think of a story to tell, and then conclude the moral of that story.
The following day when the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their
story, little Suzy raises her hand.
"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the
truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we
hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all
your eggs in one basket."
Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we
take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8
of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy
replies, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was
shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only
a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank
the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100
Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of
bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his
machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to
his story.
Billy replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event
that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his
essay.
It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."
"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"
"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
One day in school, the teacher wanted her kids to go through the alphabet
and give a word that started with each letter. She started with 'A'.
Dirty Ernie was waving his arm higher than all the other kids. She didn't
want to call on him, because he was a pervert and always said bad things.
She called on Betty instead. Betty stood up and said "Apple".
"Very good, Betty! Next is the letter 'B' ." Again, Ernie was waving his arm
as high as he could, but she picked Andy instead.
"Butterfly."
"Excellent, Andy! How about 'C' ." Ernie was almost having a seizure he
was waving so hard. The teacher picked Billy, still afraid of what Ernie
would say.
"Caterpillar."
"Great job, Billy!"
She continued going through the alphabet, never calling on Ernie. When
she got to 'R', Ernie was the only child waving his arm. She thought to
herself and couldn't think of anything too bad that started with 'R' so she
said, "OK Ernie, give me a word that starts with 'R' ."
Ernie stood up straight, smiled and yelled, "RATS!!!! BIG FUCKING
RATS WITH COCKS THIS FUCKING LONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an
interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other
animal in the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The
neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff!
ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate
him!"
One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her
class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to
correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.
She started with, "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly
jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."
"Congratulations," said the teacher, "you may go home."
The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before
she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F.
Kennedy."
"Very good," says the teacher, "you may go."
Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnnie said, "I
wish those girls would just shut up."
Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know
who said it. Johnnie instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see
you Monday."
A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked
little Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss."
"Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?"
"He went blue, held his chest and moaned aaaaarrrrrrggg, and collapsed."
Tommy, Johnny and Harry were standing around bullshitting about how
tough their fathers were.
"My dad went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Lick that!" said young Harry.
"Well, my dad did two tours of Vietnam and killed 19 men... so lick that!"
Tommy said.
"That's nothing!" declared little Johnny. "My dad hasn't wiped his ass in 10
years... so lick that!"
Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day,
so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said,
"Johnny. This is where you come from."
Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now
refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."
"Why?" one asked.
Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close
to being a turd."