* Pub etiquette
The crucial thing here is the "round" system, in which each participant
takes turns to "shout" an order. To the outsider, this may appear casual;
you will not necessarily be told it's your round and other participants
may appear only too happy to substitute for you. But make no mistake, your
failure to "put your hand in your pocket" will be noticed. People will
mention it the moment you leave the room. The reputation will follow you
to the grave, whereafter it will attach to your offspring and possibly
theirs as well. In some cases, it may become permanently enshrined in a
family nickname.
* Woolly jumpers
Ireland produces vast quantities of woolen knitwear and, under a US/Irish
trade agreement, American visitors may not return to the States without a
minimum of two sweaters, of which one at least must be predominantly
green. Airline staff may check that you have the required documentation
before you are allowed to disembark. Note: under no circumstances will
you see an Irish person wearing a woolen jumper. These jumpers are worn
solely by Americans to identify them to muggers, thieves and knackers.
* Irish people and the weather
It is often said that the Irish are a Mediterranean people who only come
into their own when the sun shines on consecutive days (which it last did
around the time of St Patrick). For this reason, Irish people dress for
conditions in Palermo rather than Dublin; and it is not unusual in March
to see young people sipping cool beer outside city pubs and cafes
enjoying the air and the soft caress of hailstones on their skin. The
Irish attitude to weather is the ultimate triumph of optimism
over experience: Every time it rains, we look up at the sky and are
shocked and betrayed. Then we go out and buy a new umbrella.
* Ireland has two time-zones: (1) Greenwich Mean Time, and (2)
"local" time.
Local time can be anything between ten minutes and three days behind GMT,
depending on the position of the earth and the where abouts of the man
with the keys to the hall. Again, the Irish concept of time has been
influenced by the thinking of 20th century physicists, who hold that it
can only be measured by reference to another body and can even be affected
by factors like acceleration. For instance, a policeman entering a
licensed premises in rural Ireland late at night is a good example of
another body from whom it can be reliably inferred that it is fact closing
time. When this happens, acceleration is the advised option. Shockingly,
the relativity argument is still not accepted as a valid defence in the
Irish courts.
* Traditional music
Many visitors to Ireland make the mistake of thinking of traditional music
as mere entertainment. In some parts of Ireland this may even be an
accurate impression. However, in certain fundamentalist strongholds such
as Clare, traditional music is founded in a strict belief system which has
been handed on from generation to generation. This is overseen by bearded
holy men, sometimes called "Mullahs", who ensure that the music is played
in accordance with laws laid down in the 5th century. Under this system,
"bodhran players" are required to cover their faces in public. Other
transgressions, such as attempting to play guitar in a traditional
session, are punishable by the loss of one or both hands. A blind eye may
be turned to the misbehaviour of foreigners, but it's best not to push it.
* Irish Dancing
There are two main kinds of Irish dancing: (1) Riverdance , which is now
simultaneously running in every major city in the world except Ulan
Bator, and which some economists believe is responsible for the Irish
economic boom; and (2) real Irish dancing, in which men do not wear frilly
blouses and you still may not express yourself, except in a written note
to the adjudicators.
* The wearing of the green
Strangely enough, Irish people tend to wear everything except green, which
is associated with too many national tragedies, including 1798, the Famine
and the current Irish rugby team. It's possible that green just doesn't
suit the Irish skin colour, which is generally pale blue (see Weather).
* Gaelic games
St Patrick's Day brings the climax of the club championships in Gaelic
games, which combine elements of the American sports of gridiron and
baseball but are played with an intensity more commonly associated with
Mafia turf wars. The two main games are "football" and "hurling", the
chief difference being that in football, the fights are unarmed. There is
also "camogie," which is like hurling, except that in fights the hair may
be pulled as well.
* Schools rugby
St Patrick's Day also brings the finals in schools rugby, a game based
around the skills of wrestling, kicking, gouging, ear-biting, and assaults
on other vulnerable body parts. The game is much prized in Ireland's
better schools, where it's seen as an ideal grounding for careers in
business and the law.
* St Patrick
It is well-known that St Patrick banished the snakes from Ireland. Less
publicised is that he also banished kangaroos, polar bears and Vietnamese
pot-bellied pigs, all of which were regarded as
nuisances by the early Irish Christians.
* Signposting
In most countries, road signs are used to help motorists get from on place
to another. In Ireland, it's not so simple. Sign-posting here is heavily
influenced by Einstein's theories (either that or the other way round) of
space/time, and works on the basis that there is no fixed reference point
in the universe, or not west of Mullingar anyway. Instead, location and
distance may be different for every observer and, frequently, for
neighbouring road-signs.
* The good news is Language
Ireland is officially bilingual, a fact which is reflected in the
road-signs. This allows you to get lost in both Irish and English.
* Clothes
Visitors to Ireland in mid-March often ask: What clothes should I bring?
The answer is: All of them!
* Religion
Ireland remains a deeply religious country, with the two main
denominations being "us" and "them". In the unlikely event you are asked
which group you belong to, the correct answer is: "I'm an
atheist, thank God". Then change the subject.
For all you foreigners out there - take note of Pub etiquette in
particular.