"When I said they'd scored two goals, of course I meant they'd scored one."

-RTE (Radio Telefis Eireann, TV) Commentator George Hamilton

"That mail used to be handled by hand, now it's handled manually."

-Chief Executive of An Post, (Post Office) John Hynes.

"The referendum went as most people hoped it would"

-Irish Times editorial displaying acute understanding of the Democratic Process.

"'Clap your feet!"

-Bernie of the Nolan Sisters (Somewhat "bimbo" singing group).

"He's pulling him off. The Spanish manager is pulling his Captain off!"

-George Hamilton as Butragueno comes off against Ireland (football).

"The idea is well and good in theory, but tell me this, who is going to feed them?"

-Wicklow Councilor objects to a proposal to boost tourism by putting gondolas on Blessington Lakes. This provided the inspiration for "Don't feed the Gondolas", an RTE TV game show.

"We are not prepared to stand idly by and be murdered in our beds"

-Rev. Ian Paisley.

"If you're a fifty pence piece in a pile of ten pence pieces, you have to shine so much brighter in order to be noticed."

-Bono of U2

"What we are doing is in the interest of everybody, bar possibly the consumer."

-Aer Lingus spokesman.

"Deep down I'm a very shallow person."

-Charles Haughey - previous prime minister.

"I can hold a note and I know I'm not ugly so, in ways, that's enough."

-Keith Duffy of Boyzone.

Larry Gogan: "With what town in Britain is Shakespeare associated?"

Contestant: "Hamlet"

Larry Gogan: "Name the BBC's Grand Prix commentator? .... I'll give you a hint It's something you suck...."

Contestant: "Oh, Dickie Davies"

Larry Gogan: "What was Jeeve's occupation?"

Contestant: "He was a carpenter"

Larry Gogan: "Complete the following - & I'll give you a clue, it relates to my name - "As happy as ...." "

Contestant: " .... a pig in shit"

Larry Gogan: "Where is the Taj Mahal?"

Contestant: "Across the road from the Dental Hospital"

Job Application Form: Do you support the overthrow of the Government by force, subversion or violence?

Applicant: Violence.

Ian Dempsey: "What would you give Andrew and Sarah as a wedding present?"

Caller: "I'd love to give Fergie AIDS and put a bomb up Andy's hole."

"I'm always suspicious of games where you're the only ones that play it"

-Jack Charlton on hurling.

"Outside HIV in Grafton Street"

-Gay Byrne plugging Hot House Flowers appearance. (HMV is the large music store he meant to name).

* Some Irish news headlines:

THOSE DISGRACEFUL MADONNA PICTURES - FOUR PAGE SPECIAL INSIDE

The Sun

VIOLENCE DELAYS PEACE - LENIHAN

Irish Times

CONCERNED RAPIST WORE A CONDOM

Evening Herald

MRS REAGAN BETTER AFTER FALL

Irish Times

SHARING THE BURDEN OF SCHIZOPHRENIA

Irish Times

DOG SHOOTS MAN

Evening Press

RAPIST: I THOUGHT SHE WAS MY WIFE

Star

MAN KEPT ARMS UNDER BED AFTER RELATIVE'S DEATH

Irish Times

DEAD MAN INJURED IN CRASH

Irish Times.

"A top level Garda internal inquiry is being held in Connemara into an allegation that a local garda shot a cow .... There has been no statement from the cow."

Irish Press.

Interviewer: "Is it not dangerous to sell people knives called Rambo Knives?"

Shopkeeper: "I wouldn't say so, a lot of them can't spell"