Happy headlines

English is a marvelously flexible language, much to the chagrin of headline writers everywhere. If any of these headlines seem reasonable, try reading it again in a slightly different way!

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

6. Farmer Bill Dies in House

7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

8. Stud Tires Out

9. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

10. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

11. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

12. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

13. Eye Drops Off Shelf

14. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

15. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

16. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

17. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

18. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

19. Miners Refuse to Work after Death

20. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

21. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

22. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

23. Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

24. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

25. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000

26. '84 War Dims Hope for Peace

27. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

28. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

29. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

30. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

31. Deer Kill 17,000

32. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

33. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

34. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

35. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

36. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

37. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

38. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

39. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

40. Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

41. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

42. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

43. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

44. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

45. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

46. Air Head Fired

47. Steals Clock; Faces Time

48. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

49. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

50. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

51. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

52. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

53. Sex Education Delayed; Teachers Request Training

54. Include Your Children when Baking Cookies