Ceate instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin into a bowl of iron filings.

B Villbens, Birmingham

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

Sam Neffendorf, Weybridge

A Hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties.

L. Traintu, Clarkesville

Make cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop stick to an empty matchbox, then filling it with ten woodlice.

Ms G. M. Dowd, Wigan

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Phil Wasey, Liverpool

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate.

Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

S Goldhanger, Fulchester

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

Sgt. R. J. Crowe, 662 Squadron, Germany

Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.

Mr D. Hughes, Lancaster

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

B. Batten, Dublin

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road.

D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

P. Witney, London

Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be worn around the neck.

B. Morgan, Criccieth

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

P. Witney, London

Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your Head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide out.

Kate Emblen, Uxbridge

Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.

A. Sharp, Birmingham

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

Nick Jeggo, Adbaston, Staffs.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood

Next time you go drink driving ask a friend or relative to follow you on a motobike carrying a camera. Then, if you crash, they can take they blame.

Bastien Phelp, Bath

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood

Always fart into the rings on top of your gas cooker. This will turn back the gas meter, and save you pounds over a period of time.

C. Custer, Little Bighorn

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Sister S., Berwick, Blackrod

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

B. Johnson, Canada

Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa anytime by just turning on the tap.

Greengrocers. Why throw away old, shrivelled, unsold fruit and veg? simply label it "Organic Produce" and charge twice the usual price.

When buying fruit by the pound, buy grapes instead of apples. Apples are much heavier.

Beat bicycle theft by towing a horse box behind your bike. When you stop, simply padlock the cycle securely inside the horse box.

Beat the credit card companies at their own game. Run up a massive bill on your credit cards and then kill yourself before your statement arrives, thus avoiding repayment.

BY using arm signals only at junctions, one can lull motorists into thinking your indicator lights are defective.

IF you like riding motorbikes then always wear leather trousers, even if you haven't got your bike with you. This will let other motorbike riders recognise you, while making everybody else unsure about your sexuality.

Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.

INTERNATIONAL master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.

AMERICAN organised crime leaders. Upon capturing the 'A' Team do not under any circumstances lock them in a shed full of tools and useful scrap materials

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.

MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.

BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.

WHEN out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.

BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock. >>

SAVE money on doorbell batteries by removing them and simply popping to the door every two minutes to see if anyone is there.

RE-SPRAYING your car? Cover it with 'Cling Film' first. If you don't like the new colour, simply peel it off and start again.

BUY a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.

LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhoea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

AVOID being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.>>

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the fuck you're going.

OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.

MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.

NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.